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WHO: John and a bunch of people who may sorely regret things
WHERE: The Town Without A Name
WHEN: Maaay
WHAT: Questers on a grand quest or two or six
WARNINGS: Violence bc fight threads ig, John's goofy taste in pop culture and tbh John and Vriska deserve their own warning

So anyway, prompts in the comments x2

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[Naturally, the universe exists to subvert his expectations...because a very feminine laugh echoes in the trees...]

Come a long way...haven't you?

[Haunting tree-voices are never a thing he's comfortable with and he keeps the grip on Vrillyhoo tight as he looks up. He glances at Momo as a signal to wait before he approaches the trees.]

It happens when we have a job to do. [He'll float upward to see if he can spot this creature. He murmurs down to Momo then.] I don't see her yet.

[It's not John she goes after, however. It's Momo.

A hand reaches out, touching her arm, and Momo jumps as a beautiful woman dressed in an elaborate kimono steps out of a hollow in a tree. That hand runs up to her shoulder and leaves the girl frozen in place...]

What...on earth?

[Momo seems to relax mid sentence, going from jumpy to at ease in heartbeats.]

It's good that you both came. I was beginning to worry that nobody would rescue me. I've been hiding for so long for someone to come and help me get away from that awful spider. I just...

[She gestures to her foot, pointing out that it's swollen.]

I twisted my ankle, and there's no way I could outrun it.

[There's a pause because what he sees is, in fact, a beautiful woman. His guard doesn't go down yet but he pauses from his place a few feet above as he watches the exchange. Given that what he's seeing looks a little legitimate, he pauses to consider it.]

That's a bummer. [And for a moment he believes it.] But wait, if you twisted your ankle wouldn't the spider have just eaten you by now? That seems weird that it would wait. [He glances at Momo again.] We should maybe go back and get help if that's true.

[Still on guard and watching, but...] We'll take care of the spider. Where is it?

[Momo's eyes glaze a little, and the woman's fingers run up and down her spine, inch by inch...]

I was hiding, you know. And I don't know where it is. Somewhere up ahead? I imagine, anyway. Where the webs get deeper.

[...noooo. He'll inch closer suddenly.]

Okay. Well we'll take care of it, but I need my friend back. Momo, let's go. [But there's kind of an empty expression and John starts suddenly.] Huh?

[Wait.] Hey! [Belatedly he realizes the hand that's moving.] Hands off.

[Momo just stands still, and the woman's hand moves lower...]

Why? She's going to stay and protect me. You're the big, strong boy, you can go deal with that spider...

[He's approaching and this time he's actively reaching to grab the woman's wrist, forcibly trying to remove her hand from Momo's back.]

I'll deal with the spider when you stop feeling up my friend. [His free hand waves in front of Momo's face.] Hey, come on. The plan, remember?

[Momo, still dazed, doesn't respond.

The woman, however, has very...uh...hairy hands. Almost like spider hairs.]

Unhand me...human.

[...well that's not creepy at all. It's the "human" that tips him off though and so John does three things.

One, he immediately turns to push Momo instead, shoving as hard as he can to get her out of the way.
Two, he summons Vrillyhoo back to his hand and twirls it to get a good grip on the handle.
And three, he immediately swings the hammer right at the lady's beautiful face with zero regret because it's easier to apologize later than it is to wait around for someone to get eaten.]

You first!

[The creature shoves Momo aside and skips back to dodge the hammer. The dazed girl tumbles, but seems otherwise fine, just needing a moment to recover.

The woman, however, morphs. Her lower body shifts into eight spidery legs, a bulbous body growing out of her ass. And her face? Definitely not pretty anymore.]

YOU!!!!

[Spidery legs take a swipe at John, trying to pin him with the tips.]

[It's enough to fly forward again, jerking back in surprise as the woman transforms.]

This is why spiders are gross! [The legs swipe and John turns into the wind briefly to just barely miss. The creature doesn't seem thrilled by that though, given there's an enraged sound before John pops back up near Momo.]

Momo, can you aim the spray? [He's doing his best to guard until Momo recovers, but the spider-lady probably won't wait for too long.]

Y...yeah.

[Still dazed, she fumbles with the can and starts the pumping process...]

Give me a moment!

You got it, I'll distract her until then! [He whirls around again to focus on the spider lady, avoiding her spindly legs as best as possible while bopping her with his hammer and trying to keep her away from Momo. The creature continues to shriek angrily, half-attempting to crawl back to Momo and half-attempting to swat John out of the way.]

[Momo keeps her distance and pumps the pump as fast as she can. It's not too bad, since the thing is distracted and John is truthworthy.]

OKAY!

[And here comes a sprayyyyy]

[He disappears with the wind as the spray lands a hit, dousing the spider-demon as she shrivels and shrieks. John reappears beside Momo with his hammer at the ready.]

I think we've almost got her! One more spray and I'll hit her from the top and she should be done for. [Other than the spider's still turning, hissing aggressively and quickly moving to try and descend upon them.]

Right! Go!

[Momo starts spraying full blast, undoing the limiter aerator with a flick of her fingers and hitting the bug creature full in the face. That probably paralyzes it long enough for John to basically crush her head with that crazy hammer!]

[It works out. It works out because the creature screams before finding herself frozen as John approaches from behind, whacking her over the head repeatedly in his own game of whack-a-mole while the dice inside the hammer roll around. With the force of the blunt object and the bug spray, it isn't long before the spider-demon stumbles and falls to her feet, legs twitching and arms clawing briefly before settling in the dirt and growing motionless.

The dice didn't activate, thankfully, but John hovers just above her.]

...think that did it?

[Momo walks over and untwists the lid of her canister, upending it all over the spider.]

If it didn't, I hope that did. I never, ever want to deal with one of those things again.

[Farewell, spider bitch!!! John looks pretty damn pleased even as he hovers out of the way.] You and me both. I almost cannot believe something like this lives out here, but given the minotaur and the harpies maybe there's a theme here.

Are you okay? She was kind of hypnotizing you, I think.g

[Momo dusts herself off and steps clear, nodding.]

I'm just fine. She definitely got me. Probably something to do with touch. But I feel alright now.

You want to head back? I don't want to stick around and see if she had any children. I've heard stories about them having giant spider kids.

What a creep. [That's putting it lightly. But he nods before dismissing the hammer.] Let's get out of here before round two starts. It's just like I thought though. We still make an awesome team.

We do.

[And away they go!]

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