Who told you so, dilly dilly, Who told you so? ‘Twas my own heart, dilly dilly, That told me so.
ouch is one of the most intimate, romantic ways to be close to someone else. The Town knows this very well -- the Town wants everyone to be as close as possible.
Perhaps that's why this bonding is so...aggressive.
Because you're in for quite the shock on this otherwise peaceful day when you brush against the next person on your path.
Maybe you're going out of your way to touch people. Maybe you've got a terrible urge to just see what's lurking in someone's heart. Maybe you trip over a conveniently placed rock -- whatever the cause, you're getting an up close and personal look into someone else's heart.
Welcome to Awash's eighteenth event log, everyone! Further information on this event can be found here at the OOC post. You are welcome to make your own logs and posts for this event!
If there are any questions, please ask them here. Thank you!
[ Even as he says so, his voice is soft and breaking. He does not fight against the hug; his shoulders drop as his exhaustion seems to all but radiate off of him now. Not like it was not before. He blinks, and feels like he may start crying, but he tells himself it is because she's crying for him. ]
You don't understand. [ How can you still see me as a saint? Really? Is your brain filled with water? There is little venom in his thoughts. There is little fight left in him to have any anger about misunderstandings. ] Luo Binghe suffered even before he came to me. Everything has been constantly unfair for him. He was always brought to ruin by everyone around him.
Yet he finally had a master that was kind to him. He finally had a chance to believe that the world would not be so heartless and thoughtless to him and his suffering ... to the suffering of others. [ Indeed, no matter what his disciple held onto his optimism and hope that as soon as he became a high-grade cultivator that he could save others. He breathes out, sounding ruined in such a breath. ]
I betrayed his trust and that hope in the world. Don't you understand? [ He implores her to see the truth of everything. ] Whatever sins that he does... they are my sins. Whatever he does now, it is my own fault. If I was going to be cruel at the end, if I was going to cast him away, I should have just cast him away from the start.
[ He repeats what the older Binghe said. Yes, if he was just going to be cruel, he should have never been kind. ]
And more than that... acting friendly with everyone... saying I will return color... all those things... when I have caused only trouble for everyone around me! You can't just remain blind to these things forever. You'll only end up hurt. [ His gaze shifts to her arm. ]
[ It is as if he's trying to convince her that he deserves this, but no matter what reasons he or this System gives, she still cannot see it, cannot accept it, cannot believe that this is the sort of fate to which he must surrender. ] Shen Qingqiu, the only way you've hurt me here... is by saying these things about yourself. But even for that, I forgive you... because I understand.
[ Her hand falls from his cheek, fingers curling back towards her, withdrawing her touch, her warmth from him as she looks over him, distraught... but not undetermined. Perhaps it's not a matter of trying to convince him that he is deserving of life and living and all the potential happiness that comes with the opportunity, perhaps whatever she says here will be dismissed by him in return, or blocked by yet another pop-up screen. But perhaps....
She draws a breath.
In the future, there will be only one who would ever dare say to her you can't rewrite the act now, it's too late. ] I think... I understand now. [ And indeed she would prove them wrong. ]
Remember when I told you about that sword? [ The sword that can predict and change the future. A pause, a soft smile, and then her hand goes to the side of his face again, cupping him gently and turning his head upward so that he might look at her. Her eyes are misted over, but they are filled and shining with as much hope as there are tears. She wants him to listen. ] Someone like you... doesn't need such a thing.
[ It won't be by her power, no. He doesn't need to have some sort of extraordinary, reality warping ability, he doesn't need a god's divine artifact, he-- ] That power to change your destiny... it's been here the entire time. [ How silly she had been to tell him of it before. ] That's how strong you are... you just haven't realized it yourself. And if you don't believe it, then... there will be those that will help you open your eyes.
[ A pause, then, and she appears to have come up with some sort of idea. ] ...System. [ She calls out again, hoping that it might listen as well, but her eyes do not leave his. ] I have one more request, before we continue. [ She doesn't wait for its acknowledgement. ]
Show me, Peak Lord Shen Qingqiu of Qing Jing Peak,.... [ Her firm tone then melts into something softer. ] ...my family. [ If he has actual blood-relatives as an immortal, she doesn't know. But she means it more in the symbolic sense; he had referred to the others on the mountain as sect brothers and sisters, those who are within his same generation. ] Show me every single person who cares for me. [ No doubt his disciples, no doubt many people here in Chroma, herself included... and if the tears and anguish in Luo Binghe's eyes, the way he held onto her as they fell into the Abyss was any indication at all-- he must be there, too.
But she doesn't stop there. ]
Show me every single person who wishes me to live. [ In some twisted sense, she's sure that the older Luo Binghe will be among these people, too... But she also wonders if the System will manifest a phantom of Shen Qingqiu himself as well among them, revealing his own desire to live. Either way-- ]
Show me who will fight alongside me so that that I will live, if I do not have the strength. Show me those who wish for me to be happy. Show me the ones who forgive me and still accept me even though I have done wrong.
Show me all of those who would help me rewrite the future.
[ His head feels heavy but he's able to lift it, able to look up to see her face. He feels his lips press together into a thin line because he has to also see her so close to tears once more, because of him.
No, that is a selfish way of viewing it -- it's because her heart is filled with so much love for the world, for every world, that she cannot help but give a little to his own misery. Her heart is moved by those in pain, and he can't deny that he is in pain. Her tears are filled with goodwill, and upset for those who cannot hope to see such mercy and grace in their own futures.
He breathes in as she asks the System to show her -- nothing. His hand reach out, his chest feeling more and more like it is constricting, as he takes her hands in his own. ]
It's me. I'm the System.
[ Perhaps, she knew that. Perhaps, she knew that and wanted to tell him that how he saw himself; how he understood his own actions were wrong. His eyes close, feeling something shudder violently inside. Like it is about ready to break. ]
The way to escape my heart is to name me a villain, Pyra. That is the only way to leave. [ What else could it be? Didn't it say it so clearly? Every piece of it showing what scum that he is -- he would choose his life over the life of someone that relied upon him; he would choose his life over the lives of his sect brothers and sisters. ]
You're right that someone like me does not need a sword that can alter his destiny. The destiny of someone who steps on others is ... it's one that will be shaped by good people who can stop them. [ A soft smile, warm and forgiving. ] So... you have to stop me.
[ She watches as her one hand is taken into his, and oh how she wishes she had her other to hold onto his as well. Her gaze travels up his arm and then to his face once more, seeing his forgiving smile... and she can't help but think it's the most terrifying look she's ever seen on him. How can he accept his fate like this?
There is another way... there is always another way. There is always hope. Does she really have to actually tell him this? She doesn't think so, because she's certain that he would be able to tell the same to someone else if they were is despair. He would say that same thing to her, if she revealed everything about herself to him. So why-- ]
No--
[ Pyra's shoulders shudder as she looks down. ] I-- I refuse...! [ Ah, there are tears falling from her cheeks and onto his hands that hold her one. ] I refuse to name you as the villain-- to kill you.
[ She refuses to name him as the villain, she refuses to call him anything she doesn't see as unjustified or undeserving. This heart has shown her a couple of different things, how he will push his disciple into the Abyss, then later suffer at the hands of Luo Binghe, and how apparently he had lied about doing so and deceived many people. But she knows him-- or believes she does-- and all she sees of the man before her is defeat and regret. ] Is that what you see yourself as? Evil? [ A derisive breath is choked out between a sob. ]
The System--... you... you've never shown me anything here that makes you come off as vile, much less unrepentant. [ If anything he's been nothing but remorseful! ] You've never made it seem as if you're taking pleasure from committing something heinous. You aren't laughing as the world burns. [ She bites her bottom lip, then whispering, ] You aren't... you aren't destroying it.
[ But even for them, she never believes that they deserve death. Because she has seen them, known them, and still... And still she would try to find a way to see that they would live.
She raises her gaze, tearful, to meet his. If she had her other hand, it would go to his cheek again. If she had her other hand, it would probably also go to the top of his head to pat it. If she had her other hand, it would move to be about his shoulders, so that she could pull him into a hug, to pat him on his back.
He belongs here, too, in this world. He belongs here happy and healthy and safe. ]
How could I say you are evil... when you are one of those many reasons why I love this world?
[ His resolve keeps him steadfast; he doesn't share in her tears this time. He can't. The minute that he starts crying, he knows that he has lost in some way. Instead, he stares at her with a composed, even stare. A villain can only look at the leading lady's tears and not even offer a sympathetic sniffle, after all.
Shen Qingqiu makes the same small joke to himself as he did in the castle, before he lifts his hands to wipe away her tears. Because she can't do so herself. It isn't necessarily what he meant to ruin her arm and cause sensation to leave her other; he had wanted to stop her from choosing the wrong choices and reaching out. He didn't realize that his heart would translate that order into what it did, but well, it's the heart of scum.
Really, why was he surprised? ]
Aren't I destroying it? [ This is the big confession of the villain; he doesn't like the idea that he's being given the chance a redemption arc. ]
I am merely part of the world, aren't I? There isn't any reason to love me because I am in it. [ Pyra, don't use such backwards logic, okay? ] Consider me just background to the great many other things that make the world beautiful and worthwhile.
[ His shoulders drop. Maybe not even background to it. ] Didn't I show you my vile self? It is because of me that he will end up hurting so many people. That disciple of mine ... he really was an unloved child. Yet he held onto a single hope in his heart that someone could love him even as he was.
[ He breathes in, out. ] I took that hope and ground it down to dust. He's fallen into the Endless Abyss and there he'll decide to change. He'll decide to burn and ruin, because he was hurt ... is hurting. [ He shakes his head. ] But he'll find those that will love him, that will adore him. This teacher is only happy that he won't feel so unloved anymore.
[ Look, okay? Look. ] ... he should not have had to suffer in order to get there. [ Firmly: ] Please tell the System to kill the villain before you. You can't keep believing in someone ... in someone like Shen Qingqiu.
[ Again, she gets the notion that he's trying to convince her of something that she cannot readily believe. If he's saying that he's at terrible person for betraying someone's love and trust, all the while admitting that he's done wrong and willingly accepting their punishment; he's even saying that he's glad that his beloved disciple has found those who love and care for him. There's a bewildering disconnect between the narrative of the villain and his actions. It's like some part of his heart is telling him that no matter what he does, he must spin it as evil.
Maybe there's some moral theme behind it all, where if actions or intent speak louder. But no matter how much she looks upon either his actions or his intentions behind them, all she sees is-- him, as he is now, remorseful and self-hating for what he's done, asking that he may be judged and executed.
Missing one hand and the one having gone numb, she can only kneel there in front of him as he holds her hand, when she so desperately wishes to bring him to her and hold him and comfort him. Instead, she can only whisper: ]
...Am... I still acting as you?
[ Aren't I destroying it?
She doesn't believe that he is. But if a scholarly and wise Peak Lord can deem that that is a criteria to justify killing someone terrible and evil, then... she fits just as well. She is a villain, by his standards. She must be executed.
But she already knew that. ] Then I will take your place.
[ His eyes widen. He thought he had been doing a good job at keeping his expression under control. Panic strikes him as he honestly doesn't know what his heart will do with such a request! Will it actually fulfill it?!
Blood pours into his mouth and he swallows it. This is not done by her. It's because of his own cultivation -- the energy that flows in his body due to his stress causes something inside to rupture and he ends up having to swallow blood. A terrible habit, both hurting himself and hiding his anxiety at all times. ]
Don't...! You can't die for me! No one should have to sacrifice their life for another person to live. [ Is she an idiot!? He reaches to lightly clap his hands on either side of her face, letting her feel the pressure of the almost slap. Get a hold of yourself! You're the leading lady! You can't go dying here in someone's heart! ]
You would...! You would be a villain if you did that! Don't you know that this old man would never forgive you if you did such a thing! [ What is he doing? He's giving her a talking to, is what! ]
Cherish yourself more! Don't just love this world and love all of us without being kind to yourself, too!
[ There's something about the way he talks to her now that strikes her as desperate. And despite his tone being almost as if lecturing her, he soundsyoung, like he's trying fruitlessly to hold sand within the palm of his hands as the tide crashes all around him. Blink, and everything is washed away.
She is unable to look away from him, when both of his hands are upon either of her cheeks. ] Cherish yourself more...no one should have to die for another, mm? [ She says with a breath, a soft smile.] ....Now, why can't you say the same thing for yourself?
[ Because didn't he agree that the world was beautiful? That the world isn't cold, but warm?
Pot meet kettle.
She sees his hypocrisy as easily as she sees her own, but at least she acknowledges it even if she can't be so sure about him. However, what she does see him overall is as a knowledgeable and sophisticated man wise beyond many she knows, and someone who shares many of her own worldviews. She respects him for many reasons; she's never met someone like him in her life, an immortal who passes on his knowledge to others to have. And if someone as esteemed and sagely as he believes that villains should be tortured and suffer and perish even if they are remorseful, then-- ]
...I'm far more of a villain than you by your standards. [ --Is all she'll say on the subject. ]
......A weapon, Shen Qingqiu. You need a weapon. [ Mustering up what control she has of her one remaining arm, she lifts up her hand to cup over one of his at the side of her face, momentarily closing her eyes and leaning into his touch. It would be far more comforting, she imagines, if she were to keep his hand there. But instead she takes his fingers into hers, and removes his palm from her cheek.
Then she brings his hand down, down past her shoulder where she then presses his palm to her chest, just a little lower and to the side of the crystal that glows. ] Right here.... [ A thoughtful, almost whimsical pause. ] My heart would be here, I think.
You'll need a weapon [ She repeats once more. ] to cut through it. [ If that's how this is going to work, or if the System will simply and swiftly kill here where she kneels, or bring Luo Binghe back to do the job himself. She honestly has no idea. Yet her eyes are nothing but reassuring, don't be afraid. And, it's going to be all right, despite how grave the subject matter is. If he kills her-- if he kills her... then surely the System will be satisfied just as if she would oblige his request.
And ironically, if this is done by his hands, he can become the hero instead. A villain must pay for what they have done... didn't he also say that once, that any punishment would be justified? If she takes his words to heart, destroying her wouldn't only be an act of saving the world, it would be righteous. ]
Edited (gomen for the edits) 2019-02-19 06:05 (UTC)
His head barely moves side-to-side to deny her claims that he should be allowed to hear such words. Didn't I cherish myself enough to only worry about myself than anyone else?! No one should die for anyone else, but if I didn't know the outcome, wouldn't I have killed Luo Binghe?! No, who could destroy that protagonist halo?
He tries to make a joke to himself, but it sounds hollow in his own head.
There is a part of him that thinks if he closes his eyes that he would be able to close off what he is hearing as well. The idea that he should need a weapon to kill her. His insides lurch violently, but he doesn't swallow anymore blood. That's right. I said that I would stop seeing you as a saint. You think that you're more than a villain than me, huh? Then, that means that you've been suffering all by yourself while smiling and wishing us well?
Shen Qingqiu lifts his eyes away from the crystal to look carefully at her face. I'm sorry. This old man is sorry for not realizing. ]
I forgive you. [ A sudden confession, a sudden decision. ] For the things you can't forgive yourself for, I forgive you. For the reasons that you think you have to sacrifice yourself, I'll forgive you.
[ His expression became more determined. ] When you're wrong, this old man will tell you that you're wrong... but he will also forgive you for those things! I will give you a second chance, a third chance... until you get it right.
[ Calmly: ] So, don't think dying will fix anything!
[ His own words -- saying it to the person that is supposed to be himself -- are what his heart wants to hear. It tells the truth in backwards ways. It wants to be told he is a villain, and he took it as what should happen to all villains at the end of stories to stop the heroes from suffering.
His own heart let him make that decision, because that it wants is to be allowed to be forgiven for the wrongs that he did; it didn't want to be told that it was okay! It didn't want to be told that he did all that he could! He could have done more! He should have done more! And if that's the case, then, that is the case!
He was wrong. He was wrong! He was wrong!
But he could still be forgiven for those wrongs and be given a chance to change himself.
He may not be able to fix what he has done; he may never be able to fix what has been done, and all sins that Luo Binghe does may come to rest at his feet, but he wants to say that he's changed just a little from who he was.
The scenery melts as they return to the real world. ]
[ Would he be so accepting of those words if she said them to him? That she forgives him for what he’s done— or that even if it is not her forgiveness that is her right to give, she accepts what he has done and acknowledges that he must only move forward? And that death is not the answer?
She hopes that his heart fading away to the real world is proof enough that he would accept such reassurance. She hopes.
With his hand still upon her chest and hers keeping it there, she closes her eyes and lets out a breath she didn’t even realize she had been keeping in. ] So, this is your answer...
[ To not kill her. To say that he forgives her... and, perhaps, that he wants to forgive himself. She’s glad for that. She’s glad that this is what brings his heart realm to finally fade.
Her eyes open. Basked in the pale light of Chroma, it feels as if she’s suddenly exposed. The story, the script that the system wished to play out within his heart, had been nothing but a contained, solitary scenario trapped within his heart. ]
Do you feel better, now that it’s over?
[ She too had come to a few new realizations after her own heart had been explored by others, like she found some sort of peace. Shaken, yes, but content in some small way. She wonders if this Peak Lord has gleamed a few things for himself, or if he’ll need to reflect on them further. Either way, her eyes regard him gently. ]
[ In his head, he sees dialogue choices that he could pick to answer that question. His smile turns a little rueful as he knows that he's just making a joke to shield himself. ]
No. [ His heart feels better, of course, but he doesn't feel better. ] You had to see a disgusting side of me. A lot of people had to see a side of me that I would rather that they did not.
[ A sigh. ] This teacher is not happy with throwing his problems onto others and telling them that it is theirs to fix.
[ His eyes widen. Ah... that is why he is forced to say those words to someone acting like himself. Because he doesn't like the idea of others having to fix his mistakes. With every person that enters his heart, it won't always be that way, of course, but he sees now why that allowed them to leave. ]
[ She wouldn't call that side of him disgusting. If anything, it makes him more... relatable, in a way, to know that he's not completely perfect. ] What I saw... I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of.
[ Quietly, she she draws away from him and settles with sitting back on her heels. ] If anything, I'm honored that I've gotten to know a little bit more about you. [ Well, maybe not a lot. But she did gleam especially how deeply his guilt goes.
She smiles at him. Smiles, despite having moments ago offered to take his place to be the one killed. ] And you say that you don't like passing your problems to others but...ah--
[ Her smile turns tired. ] Will you at least ask for help? Can you do that? If not me, then someone who you truly trust here.
Because whoever they are-- if I can speak for them-- they would want to know. [ She would want to know, but then again. She doesn't know exactly what he thinks of her, or how much he trusts her. He seems so--... unhappy right now, as if she's chosen the wrong outcome, and she can't help but wonder if she's pushed him away. The thought of that is... saddening, because she likes the friendship they have. She likes him. She believes they share a lot of the same beliefs. But if it means protecting him and pestering him, she has no choice.
But then there's a shake of her head. ] They would want to be there when you are in pain. That's what happens when you become close to others, and if you push them away, then... then you're only making more problems for yourself.
[ His expression turns a little doubtful in that she doesn't think that he should have been ashamed of how badly he roasts himself in his own heart. Really, that just makes him look like some masochist that is only happy if he's being kicked down! Who wouldn't think that's disgusting?! ]
Honored to know this teacher thinks so poorly of himself? [ He should just speak plainly since, well, it isn't like he can hide anything at this point on that front. ]
Ask for help. [ He wasn't even sure what he would be asking. What FAQ could he access? His laughter in his head sounds wrong and so he decides to stop making light of his own situation -- until he tries to do it, again, anyway. ]
It will cause problems down the line, but ... I always think that's better than seeing someone I care about look so stricken over my own mistakes. [ He lets out a very small sigh. ] There is no easy way to have a person like themselves again. [ He winces, hating to admit something so pathetic in the open. ]
There is nothing I can ask anyone to do for me. There is no help I can ask for them to give. I merely will re-learn to like who I am... or not. [ Or not. What a thing to say. His insides twist a little bit, but she deserves to know these things without him side-stepping away and laughing it all off. ]
I am still happy when I am able to help others, so this teacher is not always so sad. [ So, well, don't worry, okay? ]
[ He only sounds like he's hating himself more and more. This isn't the Shen Qingqiu she's really used to, as collected and calm as he is. He's being so cold, so dismissive towards himself. ]
You have to believe there is a way to accept who you are-- to like who you are and forgive yourself... because... because...
small>[ She appears to struggle for a bit. Because if he doesn't believe there is a chance that he might be satisfied with who he is as a person now despite his past sins, if he believes that there is no help for him... then that's giving her a very terrible message in the end.
He said he forgives her for what she's done, and she took that as a stand-in for saying that he wants to be told that he wants to be forgiven himself, but here he's beating himself down again. ]
[ You know what, fuck it, it's time for another hug. Probably an awkward hug because, ya know, she only has one arm, but..... it's something. She hopes it's something. She hopes it means something to him. ]
Don't--
[ It's just as she said to him all those months ago in the library. Don't. Only this time she means it in regards to everything that he seems to believe of himself, that he is a despicable person, that he's not sure if he could ever bring himself to accept himself once more... that he would hide things from her, from others just so that they might not worry. ]
Please... let us worry over you. [ She tells him, drawing a shaky breath. ]
I'm your-- [ She pauses, hesitant, and then she asks: ] Aren't I your friend? And as your friend... it's okay... it's okay to let others worry and help you.
[ It takes him a second of hugging him awkwardly that he realizes that her arm is still gone. He thought that it would be one of those situations where it would be returned as soon as they exited his heart. But it's still among the missing! Holy fuck! I maimed her! Wait, is that the right word -- it's not good, is what I'm saying!
His heart got what it wanted, in a way. He can push back a little to reach out to touch her ruined arm. The way she talks, that shaky breath, his heart isn't completely closed off to it. He remembers how she cried over him; he couldn't forget something like that at all, but he can't let her think about him! ]
You are my friend. [ Whether he deserves it or not is still up for debate. ] But don't worry about this old man. You're the one that's injured. Which one of us is really in worst shape right now? And I'm going to answer that in saying that it isn't me.
[ This really does cement that she isn't human, but so what? So what?! ] ... what do we do...? This isn't going to just be how it is for you... is it?
[ Oh no don't try to deflect this away from him! (Which is what she thinks he's doing.) If he's worried about her losing an arm... what about him? What about what she's witnessed that may or will happen to him within his own heart? Surely she just saw him hung by chains and hooks without any of his limbs! Losing an arm is simply benign just in comparison to what he may suffer!
And so she denies his attempt by turning this back onto her. No; no: this is about him. What Chroma has decided is honored to him, and that she has entered his heart instead of he entertaining her own is... well, it makes it solely about him instead, and so she must continue its resolution.
She loosens the embrace only by a margin, so that his her hand may go to his chest, to where this heart might lie. But to continue the closeness that they have managed, she rests her forehead against his and speaks. ] No.
No. You are free to worry, but I assure you that you that I will be fine. [ True, she is not saying that he ought not be concerned, but that it is by his own choice but to be concerned. But that isn't the main issue here. Instead: ]
I want you to promise.
To promise that you will tell me.... when you need help. To treat me as... not as one of your disciples or even as one of those you that may advise.....
But as a friend, and that as a friend... you will trust me to let me--
To please let me... [ She pleads with a breath, fingers drawing in the fabric of his garments across his back. ]
--Know when you are in need of of my help.
Promise. You must promise. I won't go away until you do. [ By the Architect, she could even joke that: ] "Peak Lord" or not; did you know that sharks are millions more ancient than trees? Don't think I haven't lived longer than you. You must listen to me, if I'm your senior.
[ He lets out half a choked sound when she rests her forehead against his own. Honestly, it is not something that he had been expected, but he should have expected it.
His lips press together into a firm, thin line. He understands what she is saying, but he feels his chest contract and ache at the words all the same. She'll be okay? Will she regrow an arm?
Was that why she wasn't hesitant to take any injury meant for someone else? Because she would recover from it?
His mouth curves down into more of a glower even as she happens to be looking at him with such fondness, such gentleness. He can only stare back at her with his jaw set and eyes filled with concern. ]
[ He attempts to keep bunching his jaw, but his hold loosens. It's difficult to maintain a serious expression when she's asking him to promise such things. It's difficult with her fingers drawing on the back. It's difficult to tell her that he doesn't want to promise such things, because he doesn't deserve them.
He's forgiven. He was wrong. He's forgiven. He can change. He can become a little better than who he was before.
He understands that as that's what his heart really wanted for him! He understands that he wants that for himself -- the chance to say that he could be a better, less vile person!
But even if he changes into those things, even if he forgives himself for what he has done, he can't like himself anymore than what he does. Which is obviously an abysmal amount. He has to admit that now that he's seen how his heart views his own existence.
His eyes close. ]
You're my senior, Pyra. [ A ghost of a smile touches his lips. ] So, that's what you meant before ... about being immortal. [ Ah, he got it wrong. ]
Pyra, I need your help. [ He opens his eyes. ] I will die of guilt if I don't know how to fix what I ruined in my heart.
[ ...Ah. Has she... finally gotten through to him? Has she? She doesn't know. But she hopes, she hopes. I need your help... Architect, she wishes he would have said that sooner to her, to others, to anyone who would have certainly wished to help him so often before. ] ....Look at me.
[ And here she brings her remaining hand up to his chin, tilting his face so that their eyes might meet. ] ...The answer that you gave us-- [ That, either of them might be forgiven. Or should be. Or will be told that they are wrong, and then subsequently be forgiven thereafter-- ] is important.
Your answer is more human than my own... and, still, maybe... wiser than my own, because it is human. [ But in the end: ] I... don't have a complete answer to give.
[ It should start with that, she thinks. That what's she's starting with, a love for the world... and she's believed, at least, that he too loves this world. ]
Or... what does your heart tell you, Shen Qingqiu?
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ouch is one of the most intimate, romantic ways to be close to someone else. The Town knows this very well -- the Town wants everyone to be as close as possible.
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[ Even as he says so, his voice is soft and breaking. He does not fight against the hug; his shoulders drop as his exhaustion seems to all but radiate off of him now. Not like it was not before. He blinks, and feels like he may start crying, but he tells himself it is because she's crying for him. ]
You don't understand. [ How can you still see me as a saint? Really? Is your brain filled with water? There is little venom in his thoughts. There is little fight left in him to have any anger about misunderstandings. ] Luo Binghe suffered even before he came to me. Everything has been constantly unfair for him. He was always brought to ruin by everyone around him.
Yet he finally had a master that was kind to him. He finally had a chance to believe that the world would not be so heartless and thoughtless to him and his suffering ... to the suffering of others. [ Indeed, no matter what his disciple held onto his optimism and hope that as soon as he became a high-grade cultivator that he could save others. He breathes out, sounding ruined in such a breath. ]
I betrayed his trust and that hope in the world. Don't you understand? [ He implores her to see the truth of everything. ] Whatever sins that he does... they are my sins. Whatever he does now, it is my own fault. If I was going to be cruel at the end, if I was going to cast him away, I should have just cast him away from the start.
[ He repeats what the older Binghe said. Yes, if he was just going to be cruel, he should have never been kind. ]
And more than that... acting friendly with everyone... saying I will return color... all those things... when I have caused only trouble for everyone around me! You can't just remain blind to these things forever. You'll only end up hurt. [ His gaze shifts to her arm. ]
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[ Her hand falls from his cheek, fingers curling back towards her, withdrawing her touch, her warmth from him as she looks over him, distraught... but not undetermined. Perhaps it's not a matter of trying to convince him that he is deserving of life and living and all the potential happiness that comes with the opportunity, perhaps whatever she says here will be dismissed by him in return, or blocked by yet another pop-up screen. But perhaps....
She draws a breath.
In the future, there will be only one who would ever dare say to her you can't rewrite the act now, it's too late. ] I think... I understand now. [ And indeed she would prove them wrong. ]
Remember when I told you about that sword? [ The sword that can predict and change the future. A pause, a soft smile, and then her hand goes to the side of his face again, cupping him gently and turning his head upward so that he might look at her. Her eyes are misted over, but they are filled and shining with as much hope as there are tears. She wants him to listen. ] Someone like you... doesn't need such a thing.
[ It won't be by her power, no. He doesn't need to have some sort of extraordinary, reality warping ability, he doesn't need a god's divine artifact, he-- ] That power to change your destiny... it's been here the entire time. [ How silly she had been to tell him of it before. ] That's how strong you are... you just haven't realized it yourself. And if you don't believe it, then... there will be those that will help you open your eyes.
[ A pause, then, and she appears to have come up with some sort of idea. ] ...System. [ She calls out again, hoping that it might listen as well, but her eyes do not leave his. ] I have one more request, before we continue. [ She doesn't wait for its acknowledgement. ]
Show me, Peak Lord Shen Qingqiu of Qing Jing Peak,.... [ Her firm tone then melts into something softer. ] ...my family. [ If he has actual blood-relatives as an immortal, she doesn't know. But she means it more in the symbolic sense; he had referred to the others on the mountain as sect brothers and sisters, those who are within his same generation. ] Show me every single person who cares for me. [ No doubt his disciples, no doubt many people here in Chroma, herself included... and if the tears and anguish in Luo Binghe's eyes, the way he held onto her as they fell into the Abyss was any indication at all-- he must be there, too.
But she doesn't stop there. ]
Show me every single person who wishes me to live. [ In some twisted sense, she's sure that the older Luo Binghe will be among these people, too... But she also wonders if the System will manifest a phantom of Shen Qingqiu himself as well among them, revealing his own desire to live. Either way-- ]
Show me who will fight alongside me so that that I will live, if I do not have the strength. Show me those who wish for me to be happy. Show me the ones who forgive me and still accept me even though I have done wrong.
Show me all of those who would help me rewrite the future.
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[ His head feels heavy but he's able to lift it, able to look up to see her face. He feels his lips press together into a thin line because he has to also see her so close to tears once more, because of him.
No, that is a selfish way of viewing it -- it's because her heart is filled with so much love for the world, for every world, that she cannot help but give a little to his own misery. Her heart is moved by those in pain, and he can't deny that he is in pain. Her tears are filled with goodwill, and upset for those who cannot hope to see such mercy and grace in their own futures.
He breathes in as she asks the System to show her -- nothing. His hand reach out, his chest feeling more and more like it is constricting, as he takes her hands in his own. ]
It's me. I'm the System.
[ Perhaps, she knew that. Perhaps, she knew that and wanted to tell him that how he saw himself; how he understood his own actions were wrong. His eyes close, feeling something shudder violently inside. Like it is about ready to break. ]
The way to escape my heart is to name me a villain, Pyra. That is the only way to leave.
[ What else could it be? Didn't it say it so clearly? Every piece of it showing what scum that he is -- he would choose his life over the life of someone that relied upon him; he would choose his life over the lives of his sect brothers and sisters. ]
You're right that someone like me does not need a sword that can alter his destiny. The destiny of someone who steps on others is ... it's one that will be shaped by good people who can stop them. [ A soft smile, warm and forgiving. ] So... you have to stop me.
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There is another way... there is always another way. There is always hope. Does she really have to actually tell him this? She doesn't think so, because she's certain that he would be able to tell the same to someone else if they were is despair. He would say that same thing to her, if she revealed everything about herself to him. So why-- ]
No--
[ Pyra's shoulders shudder as she looks down. ] I-- I refuse...! [ Ah, there are tears falling from her cheeks and onto his hands that hold her one. ] I refuse to name you as the villain-- to kill you.
[ She refuses to name him as the villain, she refuses to call him anything she doesn't see as unjustified or undeserving. This heart has shown her a couple of different things, how he will push his disciple into the Abyss, then later suffer at the hands of Luo Binghe, and how apparently he had lied about doing so and deceived many people. But she knows him-- or believes she does-- and all she sees of the man before her is defeat and regret. ] Is that what you see yourself as? Evil? [ A derisive breath is choked out between a sob. ]
The System--... you... you've never shown me anything here that makes you come off as vile, much less unrepentant. [ If anything he's been nothing but remorseful! ] You've never made it seem as if you're taking pleasure from committing something heinous. You aren't laughing as the world burns. [ She bites her bottom lip, then whispering, ] You aren't... you aren't destroying it.
[ Not how she has ruined parts of it. ]
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She raises her gaze, tearful, to meet his. If she had her other hand, it would go to his cheek again. If she had her other hand, it would probably also go to the top of his head to pat it. If she had her other hand, it would move to be about his shoulders, so that she could pull him into a hug, to pat him on his back.
He belongs here, too, in this world. He belongs here happy and healthy and safe. ]
How could I say you are evil... when you are one of those many reasons why I love this world?
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Shen Qingqiu makes the same small joke to himself as he did in the castle, before he lifts his hands to wipe away her tears. Because she can't do so herself. It isn't necessarily what he meant to ruin her arm and cause sensation to leave her other; he had wanted to stop her from choosing the wrong choices and reaching out. He didn't realize that his heart would translate that order into what it did, but well, it's the heart of scum.
Really, why was he surprised? ]
Aren't I destroying it? [ This is the big confession of the villain; he doesn't like the idea that he's being given the chance a redemption arc. ]
I am merely part of the world, aren't I? There isn't any reason to love me because I am in it. [ Pyra, don't use such backwards logic, okay? ] Consider me just background to the great many other things that make the world beautiful and worthwhile.
[ His shoulders drop. Maybe not even background to it. ] Didn't I show you my vile self? It is because of me that he will end up hurting so many people. That disciple of mine ... he really was an unloved child. Yet he held onto a single hope in his heart that someone could love him even as he was.
[ He breathes in, out. ] I took that hope and ground it down to dust. He's fallen into the Endless Abyss and there he'll decide to change. He'll decide to burn and ruin, because he was hurt ... is hurting. [ He shakes his head. ] But he'll find those that will love him, that will adore him. This teacher is only happy that he won't feel so unloved anymore.
[ Look, okay? Look. ] ... he should not have had to suffer in order to get there. [ Firmly: ] Please tell the System to kill the villain before you. You can't keep believing in someone ... in someone like Shen Qingqiu.
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Maybe there's some moral theme behind it all, where if actions or intent speak louder. But no matter how much she looks upon either his actions or his intentions behind them, all she sees is-- him, as he is now, remorseful and self-hating for what he's done, asking that he may be judged and executed.
Missing one hand and the one having gone numb, she can only kneel there in front of him as he holds her hand, when she so desperately wishes to bring him to her and hold him and comfort him. Instead, she can only whisper: ]
...Am... I still acting as you?
[ Aren't I destroying it?
She doesn't believe that he is. But if a scholarly and wise Peak Lord can deem that that is a criteria to justify killing someone terrible and evil, then... she fits just as well. She is a villain, by his standards. She must be executed.
But she already knew that. ] Then I will take your place.
The System... You.... must kill me instead.
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[ His eyes widen. He thought he had been doing a good job at keeping his expression under control. Panic strikes him as he honestly doesn't know what his heart will do with such a request! Will it actually fulfill it?!
Blood pours into his mouth and he swallows it. This is not done by her. It's because of his own cultivation -- the energy that flows in his body due to his stress causes something inside to rupture and he ends up having to swallow blood. A terrible habit, both hurting himself and hiding his anxiety at all times. ]
Don't...! You can't die for me! No one should have to sacrifice their life for another person to live. [ Is she an idiot!? He reaches to lightly clap his hands on either side of her face, letting her feel the pressure of the almost slap. Get a hold of yourself! You're the leading lady! You can't go dying here in someone's heart! ]
You would...! You would be a villain if you did that! Don't you know that this old man would never forgive you if you did such a thing! [ What is he doing? He's giving her a talking to, is what! ]
Cherish yourself more! Don't just love this world and love all of us without being kind to yourself, too!
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She is unable to look away from him, when both of his hands are upon either of her cheeks. ] Cherish yourself more...no one should have to die for another, mm? [ She says with a breath, a soft smile.] ....Now, why can't you say the same thing for yourself?
[ Because didn't he agree that the world was beautiful? That the world isn't cold, but warm?
Pot meet kettle.
She sees his hypocrisy as easily as she sees her own, but at least she acknowledges it even if she can't be so sure about him. However, what she does see him overall is as a knowledgeable and sophisticated man wise beyond many she knows, and someone who shares many of her own worldviews. She respects him for many reasons; she's never met someone like him in her life, an immortal who passes on his knowledge to others to have. And if someone as esteemed and sagely as he believes that villains should be tortured and suffer and perish even if they are remorseful, then-- ]
...I'm far more of a villain than you by your standards. [ --Is all she'll say on the subject. ]
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......A weapon, Shen Qingqiu. You need a weapon. [ Mustering up what control she has of her one remaining arm, she lifts up her hand to cup over one of his at the side of her face, momentarily closing her eyes and leaning into his touch. It would be far more comforting, she imagines, if she were to keep his hand there. But instead she takes his fingers into hers, and removes his palm from her cheek.
Then she brings his hand down, down past her shoulder where she then presses his palm to her chest, just a little lower and to the side of the crystal that glows. ] Right here.... [ A thoughtful, almost whimsical pause. ] My heart would be here, I think.
You'll need a weapon [ She repeats once more. ] to cut through it. [ If that's how this is going to work, or if the System will simply and swiftly kill here where she kneels, or bring Luo Binghe back to do the job himself. She honestly has no idea. Yet her eyes are nothing but reassuring, don't be afraid. And, it's going to be all right, despite how grave the subject matter is. If he kills her-- if he kills her... then surely the System will be satisfied just as if she would oblige his request.
And ironically, if this is done by his hands, he can become the hero instead. A villain must pay for what they have done... didn't he also say that once, that any punishment would be justified? If she takes his words to heart, destroying her wouldn't only be an act of saving the world, it would be righteous. ]
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His head barely moves side-to-side to deny her claims that he should be allowed to hear such words. Didn't I cherish myself enough to only worry about myself than anyone else?! No one should die for anyone else, but if I didn't know the outcome, wouldn't I have killed Luo Binghe?! No, who could destroy that protagonist halo?
He tries to make a joke to himself, but it sounds hollow in his own head.
There is a part of him that thinks if he closes his eyes that he would be able to close off what he is hearing as well. The idea that he should need a weapon to kill her. His insides lurch violently, but he doesn't swallow anymore blood. That's right. I said that I would stop seeing you as a saint. You think that you're more than a villain than me, huh? Then, that means that you've been suffering all by yourself while smiling and wishing us well?
Shen Qingqiu lifts his eyes away from the crystal to look carefully at her face. I'm sorry. This old man is sorry for not realizing. ]
I forgive you. [ A sudden confession, a sudden decision. ] For the things you can't forgive yourself for, I forgive you. For the reasons that you think you have to sacrifice yourself, I'll forgive you.
[ His expression became more determined. ] When you're wrong, this old man will tell you that you're wrong... but he will also forgive you for those things! I will give you a second chance, a third chance... until you get it right.
[ Calmly: ] So, don't think dying will fix anything!
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His own heart let him make that decision, because that it wants is to be allowed to be forgiven for the wrongs that he did; it didn't want to be told that it was okay! It didn't want to be told that he did all that he could! He could have done more! He should have done more! And if that's the case, then, that is the case!
He was wrong. He was wrong! He was wrong!
But he could still be forgiven for those wrongs and be given a chance to change himself.
He may not be able to fix what he has done; he may never be able to fix what has been done, and all sins that Luo Binghe does may come to rest at his feet, but he wants to say that he's changed just a little from who he was.
The scenery melts as they return to the real world. ]
Um... [ What can he say, really?! ]
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She hopes that his heart fading away to the real world is proof enough that he would accept such reassurance. She hopes.
With his hand still upon her chest and hers keeping it there, she closes her eyes and lets out a breath she didn’t even realize she had been keeping in. ] So, this is your answer...
[ To not kill her. To say that he forgives her... and, perhaps, that he wants to forgive himself. She’s glad for that. She’s glad that this is what brings his heart realm to finally fade.
Her eyes open. Basked in the pale light of Chroma, it feels as if she’s suddenly exposed. The story, the script that the system wished to play out within his heart, had been nothing but a contained, solitary scenario trapped within his heart. ]
Do you feel better, now that it’s over?
[ She too had come to a few new realizations after her own heart had been explored by others, like she found some sort of peace. Shaken, yes, but content in some small way. She wonders if this Peak Lord has gleamed a few things for himself, or if he’ll need to reflect on them further. Either way, her eyes regard him gently. ]
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No. [ His heart feels better, of course, but he doesn't feel better. ] You had to see a disgusting side of me. A lot of people had to see a side of me that I would rather that they did not.
[ A sigh. ] This teacher is not happy with throwing his problems onto others and telling them that it is theirs to fix.
[ His eyes widen. Ah... that is why he is forced to say those words to someone acting like himself. Because he doesn't like the idea of others having to fix his mistakes. With every person that enters his heart, it won't always be that way, of course, but he sees now why that allowed them to leave. ]
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[ Quietly, she she draws away from him and settles with sitting back on her heels. ] If anything, I'm honored that I've gotten to know a little bit more about you. [ Well, maybe not a lot. But she did gleam especially how deeply his guilt goes.
She smiles at him. Smiles, despite having moments ago offered to take his place to be the one killed. ] And you say that you don't like passing your problems to others but...ah--
[ Her smile turns tired. ] Will you at least ask for help? Can you do that? If not me, then someone who you truly trust here.
Because whoever they are-- if I can speak for them-- they would want to know. [ She would want to know, but then again. She doesn't know exactly what he thinks of her, or how much he trusts her. He seems so--... unhappy right now, as if she's chosen the wrong outcome, and she can't help but wonder if she's pushed him away. The thought of that is... saddening, because she likes the friendship they have. She likes him. She believes they share a lot of the same beliefs. But if it means protecting him and pestering him, she has no choice.
But then there's a shake of her head. ] They would want to be there when you are in pain. That's what happens when you become close to others, and if you push them away, then... then you're only making more problems for yourself.
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Honored to know this teacher thinks so poorly of himself? [ He should just speak plainly since, well, it isn't like he can hide anything at this point on that front. ]
Ask for help. [ He wasn't even sure what he would be asking. What FAQ could he access? His laughter in his head sounds wrong and so he decides to stop making light of his own situation -- until he tries to do it, again, anyway. ]
It will cause problems down the line, but ... I always think that's better than seeing someone I care about look so stricken over my own mistakes. [ He lets out a very small sigh. ] There is no easy way to have a person like themselves again. [ He winces, hating to admit something so pathetic in the open. ]
There is nothing I can ask anyone to do for me. There is no help I can ask for them to give. I merely will re-learn to like who I am... or not. [ Or not. What a thing to say. His insides twist a little bit, but she deserves to know these things without him side-stepping away and laughing it all off. ]
I am still happy when I am able to help others, so this teacher is not always so sad. [ So, well, don't worry, okay? ]
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You have to believe there is a way to accept who you are-- to like who you are and forgive yourself... because... because...
small>[ She appears to struggle for a bit. Because if he doesn't believe there is a chance that he might be satisfied with who he is as a person now despite his past sins, if he believes that there is no help for him... then that's giving her a very terrible message in the end.
He said he forgives her for what she's done, and she took that as a stand-in for saying that he wants to be told that he wants to be forgiven himself, but here he's beating himself down again. ]
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Don't--
[ It's just as she said to him all those months ago in the library. Don't. Only this time she means it in regards to everything that he seems to believe of himself, that he is a despicable person, that he's not sure if he could ever bring himself to accept himself once more... that he would hide things from her, from others just so that they might not worry. ]
Please... let us worry over you. [ She tells him, drawing a shaky breath. ]
I'm your-- [ She pauses, hesitant, and then she asks: ] Aren't I your friend? And as your friend... it's okay... it's okay to let others worry and help you.
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His heart got what it wanted, in a way. He can push back a little to reach out to touch her ruined arm. The way she talks, that shaky breath, his heart isn't completely closed off to it. He remembers how she cried over him; he couldn't forget something like that at all, but he can't let her think about him! ]
You are my friend. [ Whether he deserves it or not is still up for debate. ] But don't worry about this old man. You're the one that's injured. Which one of us is really in worst shape right now? And I'm going to answer that in saying that it isn't me.
[ This really does cement that she isn't human, but so what? So what?! ] ... what do we do...? This isn't going to just be how it is for you... is it?
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And so she denies his attempt by turning this back onto her. No; no: this is about him. What Chroma has decided is honored to him, and that she has entered his heart instead of he entertaining her own is... well, it makes it solely about him instead, and so she must continue its resolution.
She loosens the embrace only by a margin, so that his her hand may go to his chest, to where this heart might lie. But to continue the closeness that they have managed, she rests her forehead against his and speaks. ] No.
No. You are free to worry, but I assure you that you that I will be fine. [ True, she is not saying that he ought not be concerned, but that it is by his own choice but to be concerned. But that isn't the main issue here. Instead: ]
I want you to promise.
To promise that you will tell me.... when you need help. To treat me as... not as one of your disciples or even as one of those you that may advise.....
But as a friend, and that as a friend... you will trust me to let me--
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--Know when you are in need of of my help.
Promise. You must promise. I won't go away until you do. [ By the Architect, she could even joke that: ] "Peak Lord" or not; did you know that sharks are millions more ancient than trees? Don't think I haven't lived longer than you. You must listen to me, if I'm your senior.
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His lips press together into a firm, thin line. He understands what she is saying, but he feels his chest contract and ache at the words all the same. She'll be okay? Will she regrow an arm?
Was that why she wasn't hesitant to take any injury meant for someone else? Because she would recover from it?
His mouth curves down into more of a glower even as she happens to be looking at him with such fondness, such gentleness. He can only stare back at her with his jaw set and eyes filled with concern. ]
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He's forgiven. He was wrong. He's forgiven. He can change. He can become a little better than who he was before.
He understands that as that's what his heart really wanted for him! He understands that he wants that for himself -- the chance to say that he could be a better, less vile person!
But even if he changes into those things, even if he forgives himself for what he has done, he can't like himself anymore than what he does. Which is obviously an abysmal amount. He has to admit that now that he's seen how his heart views his own existence.
His eyes close. ]
You're my senior, Pyra. [ A ghost of a smile touches his lips. ] So, that's what you meant before ... about being immortal. [ Ah, he got it wrong. ]
Pyra, I need your help. [ He opens his eyes. ] I will die of guilt if I don't know how to fix what I ruined in my heart.
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[ And here she brings her remaining hand up to his chin, tilting his face so that their eyes might meet. ] ...The answer that you gave us-- [ That, either of them might be forgiven. Or should be. Or will be told that they are wrong, and then subsequently be forgiven thereafter-- ] is important.
Your answer is more human than my own... and, still, maybe... wiser than my own, because it is human. [ But in the end: ] I... don't have a complete answer to give.
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[ There's a breath, a smile. ]
Isn't the answer obvious, though?
Shouldn't it be about love?
[ It should start with that, she thinks. That what's she's starting with, a love for the world... and she's believed, at least, that he too loves this world. ]
Or... what does your heart tell you, Shen Qingqiu?
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