Who told you so, dilly dilly, Who told you so? ‘Twas my own heart, dilly dilly, That told me so.
ouch is one of the most intimate, romantic ways to be close to someone else. The Town knows this very well -- the Town wants everyone to be as close as possible.
Perhaps that's why this bonding is so...aggressive.
Because you're in for quite the shock on this otherwise peaceful day when you brush against the next person on your path.
Maybe you're going out of your way to touch people. Maybe you've got a terrible urge to just see what's lurking in someone's heart. Maybe you trip over a conveniently placed rock -- whatever the cause, you're getting an up close and personal look into someone else's heart.
Welcome to Awash's eighteenth event log, everyone! Further information on this event can be found here at the OOC post. You are welcome to make your own logs and posts for this event!
If there are any questions, please ask them here. Thank you!
......A weapon, Shen Qingqiu. You need a weapon. [ Mustering up what control she has of her one remaining arm, she lifts up her hand to cup over one of his at the side of her face, momentarily closing her eyes and leaning into his touch. It would be far more comforting, she imagines, if she were to keep his hand there. But instead she takes his fingers into hers, and removes his palm from her cheek.
Then she brings his hand down, down past her shoulder where she then presses his palm to her chest, just a little lower and to the side of the crystal that glows. ] Right here.... [ A thoughtful, almost whimsical pause. ] My heart would be here, I think.
You'll need a weapon [ She repeats once more. ] to cut through it. [ If that's how this is going to work, or if the System will simply and swiftly kill here where she kneels, or bring Luo Binghe back to do the job himself. She honestly has no idea. Yet her eyes are nothing but reassuring, don't be afraid. And, it's going to be all right, despite how grave the subject matter is. If he kills her-- if he kills her... then surely the System will be satisfied just as if she would oblige his request.
And ironically, if this is done by his hands, he can become the hero instead. A villain must pay for what they have done... didn't he also say that once, that any punishment would be justified? If she takes his words to heart, destroying her wouldn't only be an act of saving the world, it would be righteous. ]
Edited (gomen for the edits) 2019-02-19 06:05 (UTC)
His head barely moves side-to-side to deny her claims that he should be allowed to hear such words. Didn't I cherish myself enough to only worry about myself than anyone else?! No one should die for anyone else, but if I didn't know the outcome, wouldn't I have killed Luo Binghe?! No, who could destroy that protagonist halo?
He tries to make a joke to himself, but it sounds hollow in his own head.
There is a part of him that thinks if he closes his eyes that he would be able to close off what he is hearing as well. The idea that he should need a weapon to kill her. His insides lurch violently, but he doesn't swallow anymore blood. That's right. I said that I would stop seeing you as a saint. You think that you're more than a villain than me, huh? Then, that means that you've been suffering all by yourself while smiling and wishing us well?
Shen Qingqiu lifts his eyes away from the crystal to look carefully at her face. I'm sorry. This old man is sorry for not realizing. ]
I forgive you. [ A sudden confession, a sudden decision. ] For the things you can't forgive yourself for, I forgive you. For the reasons that you think you have to sacrifice yourself, I'll forgive you.
[ His expression became more determined. ] When you're wrong, this old man will tell you that you're wrong... but he will also forgive you for those things! I will give you a second chance, a third chance... until you get it right.
[ Calmly: ] So, don't think dying will fix anything!
[ His own words -- saying it to the person that is supposed to be himself -- are what his heart wants to hear. It tells the truth in backwards ways. It wants to be told he is a villain, and he took it as what should happen to all villains at the end of stories to stop the heroes from suffering.
His own heart let him make that decision, because that it wants is to be allowed to be forgiven for the wrongs that he did; it didn't want to be told that it was okay! It didn't want to be told that he did all that he could! He could have done more! He should have done more! And if that's the case, then, that is the case!
He was wrong. He was wrong! He was wrong!
But he could still be forgiven for those wrongs and be given a chance to change himself.
He may not be able to fix what he has done; he may never be able to fix what has been done, and all sins that Luo Binghe does may come to rest at his feet, but he wants to say that he's changed just a little from who he was.
The scenery melts as they return to the real world. ]
[ Would he be so accepting of those words if she said them to him? That she forgives him for what he’s done— or that even if it is not her forgiveness that is her right to give, she accepts what he has done and acknowledges that he must only move forward? And that death is not the answer?
She hopes that his heart fading away to the real world is proof enough that he would accept such reassurance. She hopes.
With his hand still upon her chest and hers keeping it there, she closes her eyes and lets out a breath she didn’t even realize she had been keeping in. ] So, this is your answer...
[ To not kill her. To say that he forgives her... and, perhaps, that he wants to forgive himself. She’s glad for that. She’s glad that this is what brings his heart realm to finally fade.
Her eyes open. Basked in the pale light of Chroma, it feels as if she’s suddenly exposed. The story, the script that the system wished to play out within his heart, had been nothing but a contained, solitary scenario trapped within his heart. ]
Do you feel better, now that it’s over?
[ She too had come to a few new realizations after her own heart had been explored by others, like she found some sort of peace. Shaken, yes, but content in some small way. She wonders if this Peak Lord has gleamed a few things for himself, or if he’ll need to reflect on them further. Either way, her eyes regard him gently. ]
[ In his head, he sees dialogue choices that he could pick to answer that question. His smile turns a little rueful as he knows that he's just making a joke to shield himself. ]
No. [ His heart feels better, of course, but he doesn't feel better. ] You had to see a disgusting side of me. A lot of people had to see a side of me that I would rather that they did not.
[ A sigh. ] This teacher is not happy with throwing his problems onto others and telling them that it is theirs to fix.
[ His eyes widen. Ah... that is why he is forced to say those words to someone acting like himself. Because he doesn't like the idea of others having to fix his mistakes. With every person that enters his heart, it won't always be that way, of course, but he sees now why that allowed them to leave. ]
[ She wouldn't call that side of him disgusting. If anything, it makes him more... relatable, in a way, to know that he's not completely perfect. ] What I saw... I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of.
[ Quietly, she she draws away from him and settles with sitting back on her heels. ] If anything, I'm honored that I've gotten to know a little bit more about you. [ Well, maybe not a lot. But she did gleam especially how deeply his guilt goes.
She smiles at him. Smiles, despite having moments ago offered to take his place to be the one killed. ] And you say that you don't like passing your problems to others but...ah--
[ Her smile turns tired. ] Will you at least ask for help? Can you do that? If not me, then someone who you truly trust here.
Because whoever they are-- if I can speak for them-- they would want to know. [ She would want to know, but then again. She doesn't know exactly what he thinks of her, or how much he trusts her. He seems so--... unhappy right now, as if she's chosen the wrong outcome, and she can't help but wonder if she's pushed him away. The thought of that is... saddening, because she likes the friendship they have. She likes him. She believes they share a lot of the same beliefs. But if it means protecting him and pestering him, she has no choice.
But then there's a shake of her head. ] They would want to be there when you are in pain. That's what happens when you become close to others, and if you push them away, then... then you're only making more problems for yourself.
[ His expression turns a little doubtful in that she doesn't think that he should have been ashamed of how badly he roasts himself in his own heart. Really, that just makes him look like some masochist that is only happy if he's being kicked down! Who wouldn't think that's disgusting?! ]
Honored to know this teacher thinks so poorly of himself? [ He should just speak plainly since, well, it isn't like he can hide anything at this point on that front. ]
Ask for help. [ He wasn't even sure what he would be asking. What FAQ could he access? His laughter in his head sounds wrong and so he decides to stop making light of his own situation -- until he tries to do it, again, anyway. ]
It will cause problems down the line, but ... I always think that's better than seeing someone I care about look so stricken over my own mistakes. [ He lets out a very small sigh. ] There is no easy way to have a person like themselves again. [ He winces, hating to admit something so pathetic in the open. ]
There is nothing I can ask anyone to do for me. There is no help I can ask for them to give. I merely will re-learn to like who I am... or not. [ Or not. What a thing to say. His insides twist a little bit, but she deserves to know these things without him side-stepping away and laughing it all off. ]
I am still happy when I am able to help others, so this teacher is not always so sad. [ So, well, don't worry, okay? ]
[ He only sounds like he's hating himself more and more. This isn't the Shen Qingqiu she's really used to, as collected and calm as he is. He's being so cold, so dismissive towards himself. ]
You have to believe there is a way to accept who you are-- to like who you are and forgive yourself... because... because...
small>[ She appears to struggle for a bit. Because if he doesn't believe there is a chance that he might be satisfied with who he is as a person now despite his past sins, if he believes that there is no help for him... then that's giving her a very terrible message in the end.
He said he forgives her for what she's done, and she took that as a stand-in for saying that he wants to be told that he wants to be forgiven himself, but here he's beating himself down again. ]
[ You know what, fuck it, it's time for another hug. Probably an awkward hug because, ya know, she only has one arm, but..... it's something. She hopes it's something. She hopes it means something to him. ]
Don't--
[ It's just as she said to him all those months ago in the library. Don't. Only this time she means it in regards to everything that he seems to believe of himself, that he is a despicable person, that he's not sure if he could ever bring himself to accept himself once more... that he would hide things from her, from others just so that they might not worry. ]
Please... let us worry over you. [ She tells him, drawing a shaky breath. ]
I'm your-- [ She pauses, hesitant, and then she asks: ] Aren't I your friend? And as your friend... it's okay... it's okay to let others worry and help you.
[ It takes him a second of hugging him awkwardly that he realizes that her arm is still gone. He thought that it would be one of those situations where it would be returned as soon as they exited his heart. But it's still among the missing! Holy fuck! I maimed her! Wait, is that the right word -- it's not good, is what I'm saying!
His heart got what it wanted, in a way. He can push back a little to reach out to touch her ruined arm. The way she talks, that shaky breath, his heart isn't completely closed off to it. He remembers how she cried over him; he couldn't forget something like that at all, but he can't let her think about him! ]
You are my friend. [ Whether he deserves it or not is still up for debate. ] But don't worry about this old man. You're the one that's injured. Which one of us is really in worst shape right now? And I'm going to answer that in saying that it isn't me.
[ This really does cement that she isn't human, but so what? So what?! ] ... what do we do...? This isn't going to just be how it is for you... is it?
[ Oh no don't try to deflect this away from him! (Which is what she thinks he's doing.) If he's worried about her losing an arm... what about him? What about what she's witnessed that may or will happen to him within his own heart? Surely she just saw him hung by chains and hooks without any of his limbs! Losing an arm is simply benign just in comparison to what he may suffer!
And so she denies his attempt by turning this back onto her. No; no: this is about him. What Chroma has decided is honored to him, and that she has entered his heart instead of he entertaining her own is... well, it makes it solely about him instead, and so she must continue its resolution.
She loosens the embrace only by a margin, so that his her hand may go to his chest, to where this heart might lie. But to continue the closeness that they have managed, she rests her forehead against his and speaks. ] No.
No. You are free to worry, but I assure you that you that I will be fine. [ True, she is not saying that he ought not be concerned, but that it is by his own choice but to be concerned. But that isn't the main issue here. Instead: ]
I want you to promise.
To promise that you will tell me.... when you need help. To treat me as... not as one of your disciples or even as one of those you that may advise.....
But as a friend, and that as a friend... you will trust me to let me--
To please let me... [ She pleads with a breath, fingers drawing in the fabric of his garments across his back. ]
--Know when you are in need of of my help.
Promise. You must promise. I won't go away until you do. [ By the Architect, she could even joke that: ] "Peak Lord" or not; did you know that sharks are millions more ancient than trees? Don't think I haven't lived longer than you. You must listen to me, if I'm your senior.
[ He lets out half a choked sound when she rests her forehead against his own. Honestly, it is not something that he had been expected, but he should have expected it.
His lips press together into a firm, thin line. He understands what she is saying, but he feels his chest contract and ache at the words all the same. She'll be okay? Will she regrow an arm?
Was that why she wasn't hesitant to take any injury meant for someone else? Because she would recover from it?
His mouth curves down into more of a glower even as she happens to be looking at him with such fondness, such gentleness. He can only stare back at her with his jaw set and eyes filled with concern. ]
[ He attempts to keep bunching his jaw, but his hold loosens. It's difficult to maintain a serious expression when she's asking him to promise such things. It's difficult with her fingers drawing on the back. It's difficult to tell her that he doesn't want to promise such things, because he doesn't deserve them.
He's forgiven. He was wrong. He's forgiven. He can change. He can become a little better than who he was before.
He understands that as that's what his heart really wanted for him! He understands that he wants that for himself -- the chance to say that he could be a better, less vile person!
But even if he changes into those things, even if he forgives himself for what he has done, he can't like himself anymore than what he does. Which is obviously an abysmal amount. He has to admit that now that he's seen how his heart views his own existence.
His eyes close. ]
You're my senior, Pyra. [ A ghost of a smile touches his lips. ] So, that's what you meant before ... about being immortal. [ Ah, he got it wrong. ]
Pyra, I need your help. [ He opens his eyes. ] I will die of guilt if I don't know how to fix what I ruined in my heart.
[ ...Ah. Has she... finally gotten through to him? Has she? She doesn't know. But she hopes, she hopes. I need your help... Architect, she wishes he would have said that sooner to her, to others, to anyone who would have certainly wished to help him so often before. ] ....Look at me.
[ And here she brings her remaining hand up to his chin, tilting his face so that their eyes might meet. ] ...The answer that you gave us-- [ That, either of them might be forgiven. Or should be. Or will be told that they are wrong, and then subsequently be forgiven thereafter-- ] is important.
Your answer is more human than my own... and, still, maybe... wiser than my own, because it is human. [ But in the end: ] I... don't have a complete answer to give.
[ It should start with that, she thinks. That what's she's starting with, a love for the world... and she's believed, at least, that he too loves this world. ]
Or... what does your heart tell you, Shen Qingqiu?
[ He looks carefully at her before realizing that the two of them are missing one another. Shen Qingqiu had meant that he wanted to fix her ruined arm -- and hoped that they could do something about it.
It only takes a few seconds to realize that she's believes that he's saying something else. But his chin turns away as he fixes on something what she was saying. ]
Even if you're not human, so what? Pyra is someone who doesn't need to be human to be wise or right or good.
A delicate pause follows his question. And then she answers: ]
You... and I. Us.
[ She says, tone especially careful in this instance. ] You claimed both of us as villains, didn't you? [ Kinda. Sorta. Yeah. If he's moving his head away from her hand, then fine. She'll just give him a motherly head pat instead. ]
If you don't believe that you should be forgiven, then I shouldn't either. A scholar shouldn't cherry-pick.
[ His brow furrows, but he can't quite place why that doesn't sound right. It isn't wrong to say that he was speaking to "himself" and her at the same time. ]
I didn't claim you were a villain. [ The head pat is met with a small sigh. ] But ... you do feel like you're also hurting. This teacher's eyes are a little worn and miss a few things, but he noticed that much.
[ A half-smile. ] Scholars cherry-pick all the time. But ... I do want to be forgiven. [ Ah, that hurts to say. Not in a painful way, but like he is slowly releasing some pressure on his chest. ]
You are someone that I will forgive. I'll say it out here in reality. I'll forgive you. I'll tell you that you were wrong and scold you... but I'll forgive you.
[ He looks back to her. ] You have lived a long life... and living here with us now. Should you not be living with a little kinder to yourself? [ A softer smile. ] You cannot ask me to rely on you and ask for help, if you won't do the same for yourself, ah?
[ Would he believe her, she wonders, if she told him that she's only learned the concept of relying on others within the past five hundred years? And even then... she is not an expert on relying on others in any sense. Or confiding in them.
But she has learned what friendship is and what love is. And she's come to respect both of those human constructs as... not constructs as all, but very real, and very true things that exist within the world. They are things that she respects, things that she wants to have for herself. ]
Likewise, I forgive you... I'll tell you when you're wrong, when you're doing something wrong-- like pushing others away, those that want to help you. [ Also, she wants to call him out with trying to guide the conversation away from him! When this isn't about her at all! This is all about his heart! So she's not going to even to acknowledge that he suspects she is hurting. ]
But I'll also forgive you for that, because I know it's difficult.
[ She withdraws her hand, and now she's completely separated from him. ] I suppose we're at a stand-still, huh? We already said we would protect each other.
[ Shen Qingqiu wants to argue that he isn't doing that at all, but he's so used to deflecting his own emotions that he can honestly say that he no longer knows if he is or is not doing it. Not the healthiest of revelations to have! ]
This teacher will do what he can to listen. [ And he will smile warmly at her, because he should give her something to hope for rather than feel like he is such a lost cause. ] Sometimes, that will be difficult. You need not have patience if I am too hard-of-hearing.
[ Even if she knows it is difficult, he tells her that it is okay to yell at him. ]
We already did say that, yes. We said those things and ... did we do those things when they mattered? [ His eyes drop down to her arm; the warm smile changes to a rueful one quickly. ] Protecting Pyra from making poor decisions like dying for someone... I can say I did that, and am happy I did so.
[ His gaze drifts back up. ] And Pyra protected me from having to keep thinking it would be impossible to be forgiven... even though, I wished for it to be possible. So, it seems like we are living up to our promises... even if I broke mine slightly by hurting you. [ Listen, you can say the real pain is seeing me hurting, but I ain't letting this go! Okay? Okay! ]
[ Ah... he's looking at her injured arm again. She's been trying to place his attention away from that this entire time, but it seems that he hasn't left his mind. She hopes he won't feel guilt about that in the future. Because if it was the System-- or, himself, as he has said-- that did this to her, then it probably would have inflicted something terrible onto him all the same.
She doesn't regret the choices that she made in his heart, only that it took stepping into his heart in the first place to realize just how much he is hurting.
.....It occurs to her, then, that he knows very little about her. Perhaps, in part, by how little she talks about herself, but also because she is so much more fascinated with him. An immortal, a peak lord (whatever hat means), a leader, an intellectual, a being to passes on his knowledge to obtain that immortality onto others, helping them. Who knows how many he has helped within his long life time.
She might claim to be his "senior", but she was only being partly facetious to pull rank and get him to listen. But really, who is she in comparison? A tool of the god of her world, nothing more. Meanwhile, he... ]
...Looks like I'll have to take better care of myself, too, to take better care of you.
[ She extends her remaining hand out. ]
So.... would you lend me a bit of your power?
[ Ordinarily... she would simply wait for the energy within her to reconstruct the parts of her body that was lost, to take care of things herself, alone. But maybe this will show him that she too is willing to reinforce the lesson that she's learned of others intruding within her own heart, that she is not alone. That she has others to help her. ]
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ouch is one of the most intimate, romantic ways to be close to someone else. The Town knows this very well -- the Town wants everyone to be as close as possible.
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......A weapon, Shen Qingqiu. You need a weapon. [ Mustering up what control she has of her one remaining arm, she lifts up her hand to cup over one of his at the side of her face, momentarily closing her eyes and leaning into his touch. It would be far more comforting, she imagines, if she were to keep his hand there. But instead she takes his fingers into hers, and removes his palm from her cheek.
Then she brings his hand down, down past her shoulder where she then presses his palm to her chest, just a little lower and to the side of the crystal that glows. ] Right here.... [ A thoughtful, almost whimsical pause. ] My heart would be here, I think.
You'll need a weapon [ She repeats once more. ] to cut through it. [ If that's how this is going to work, or if the System will simply and swiftly kill here where she kneels, or bring Luo Binghe back to do the job himself. She honestly has no idea. Yet her eyes are nothing but reassuring, don't be afraid. And, it's going to be all right, despite how grave the subject matter is. If he kills her-- if he kills her... then surely the System will be satisfied just as if she would oblige his request.
And ironically, if this is done by his hands, he can become the hero instead. A villain must pay for what they have done... didn't he also say that once, that any punishment would be justified? If she takes his words to heart, destroying her wouldn't only be an act of saving the world, it would be righteous. ]
1/2
His head barely moves side-to-side to deny her claims that he should be allowed to hear such words. Didn't I cherish myself enough to only worry about myself than anyone else?! No one should die for anyone else, but if I didn't know the outcome, wouldn't I have killed Luo Binghe?! No, who could destroy that protagonist halo?
He tries to make a joke to himself, but it sounds hollow in his own head.
There is a part of him that thinks if he closes his eyes that he would be able to close off what he is hearing as well. The idea that he should need a weapon to kill her. His insides lurch violently, but he doesn't swallow anymore blood. That's right. I said that I would stop seeing you as a saint. You think that you're more than a villain than me, huh? Then, that means that you've been suffering all by yourself while smiling and wishing us well?
Shen Qingqiu lifts his eyes away from the crystal to look carefully at her face. I'm sorry. This old man is sorry for not realizing. ]
I forgive you. [ A sudden confession, a sudden decision. ] For the things you can't forgive yourself for, I forgive you. For the reasons that you think you have to sacrifice yourself, I'll forgive you.
[ His expression became more determined. ] When you're wrong, this old man will tell you that you're wrong... but he will also forgive you for those things! I will give you a second chance, a third chance... until you get it right.
[ Calmly: ] So, don't think dying will fix anything!
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His own heart let him make that decision, because that it wants is to be allowed to be forgiven for the wrongs that he did; it didn't want to be told that it was okay! It didn't want to be told that he did all that he could! He could have done more! He should have done more! And if that's the case, then, that is the case!
He was wrong. He was wrong! He was wrong!
But he could still be forgiven for those wrongs and be given a chance to change himself.
He may not be able to fix what he has done; he may never be able to fix what has been done, and all sins that Luo Binghe does may come to rest at his feet, but he wants to say that he's changed just a little from who he was.
The scenery melts as they return to the real world. ]
Um... [ What can he say, really?! ]
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She hopes that his heart fading away to the real world is proof enough that he would accept such reassurance. She hopes.
With his hand still upon her chest and hers keeping it there, she closes her eyes and lets out a breath she didn’t even realize she had been keeping in. ] So, this is your answer...
[ To not kill her. To say that he forgives her... and, perhaps, that he wants to forgive himself. She’s glad for that. She’s glad that this is what brings his heart realm to finally fade.
Her eyes open. Basked in the pale light of Chroma, it feels as if she’s suddenly exposed. The story, the script that the system wished to play out within his heart, had been nothing but a contained, solitary scenario trapped within his heart. ]
Do you feel better, now that it’s over?
[ She too had come to a few new realizations after her own heart had been explored by others, like she found some sort of peace. Shaken, yes, but content in some small way. She wonders if this Peak Lord has gleamed a few things for himself, or if he’ll need to reflect on them further. Either way, her eyes regard him gently. ]
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No. [ His heart feels better, of course, but he doesn't feel better. ] You had to see a disgusting side of me. A lot of people had to see a side of me that I would rather that they did not.
[ A sigh. ] This teacher is not happy with throwing his problems onto others and telling them that it is theirs to fix.
[ His eyes widen. Ah... that is why he is forced to say those words to someone acting like himself. Because he doesn't like the idea of others having to fix his mistakes. With every person that enters his heart, it won't always be that way, of course, but he sees now why that allowed them to leave. ]
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[ Quietly, she she draws away from him and settles with sitting back on her heels. ] If anything, I'm honored that I've gotten to know a little bit more about you. [ Well, maybe not a lot. But she did gleam especially how deeply his guilt goes.
She smiles at him. Smiles, despite having moments ago offered to take his place to be the one killed. ] And you say that you don't like passing your problems to others but...ah--
[ Her smile turns tired. ] Will you at least ask for help? Can you do that? If not me, then someone who you truly trust here.
Because whoever they are-- if I can speak for them-- they would want to know. [ She would want to know, but then again. She doesn't know exactly what he thinks of her, or how much he trusts her. He seems so--... unhappy right now, as if she's chosen the wrong outcome, and she can't help but wonder if she's pushed him away. The thought of that is... saddening, because she likes the friendship they have. She likes him. She believes they share a lot of the same beliefs. But if it means protecting him and pestering him, she has no choice.
But then there's a shake of her head. ] They would want to be there when you are in pain. That's what happens when you become close to others, and if you push them away, then... then you're only making more problems for yourself.
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Honored to know this teacher thinks so poorly of himself? [ He should just speak plainly since, well, it isn't like he can hide anything at this point on that front. ]
Ask for help. [ He wasn't even sure what he would be asking. What FAQ could he access? His laughter in his head sounds wrong and so he decides to stop making light of his own situation -- until he tries to do it, again, anyway. ]
It will cause problems down the line, but ... I always think that's better than seeing someone I care about look so stricken over my own mistakes. [ He lets out a very small sigh. ] There is no easy way to have a person like themselves again. [ He winces, hating to admit something so pathetic in the open. ]
There is nothing I can ask anyone to do for me. There is no help I can ask for them to give. I merely will re-learn to like who I am... or not. [ Or not. What a thing to say. His insides twist a little bit, but she deserves to know these things without him side-stepping away and laughing it all off. ]
I am still happy when I am able to help others, so this teacher is not always so sad. [ So, well, don't worry, okay? ]
1/2
You have to believe there is a way to accept who you are-- to like who you are and forgive yourself... because... because...
small>[ She appears to struggle for a bit. Because if he doesn't believe there is a chance that he might be satisfied with who he is as a person now despite his past sins, if he believes that there is no help for him... then that's giving her a very terrible message in the end.
He said he forgives her for what she's done, and she took that as a stand-in for saying that he wants to be told that he wants to be forgiven himself, but here he's beating himself down again. ]
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Don't--
[ It's just as she said to him all those months ago in the library. Don't. Only this time she means it in regards to everything that he seems to believe of himself, that he is a despicable person, that he's not sure if he could ever bring himself to accept himself once more... that he would hide things from her, from others just so that they might not worry. ]
Please... let us worry over you. [ She tells him, drawing a shaky breath. ]
I'm your-- [ She pauses, hesitant, and then she asks: ] Aren't I your friend? And as your friend... it's okay... it's okay to let others worry and help you.
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His heart got what it wanted, in a way. He can push back a little to reach out to touch her ruined arm. The way she talks, that shaky breath, his heart isn't completely closed off to it. He remembers how she cried over him; he couldn't forget something like that at all, but he can't let her think about him! ]
You are my friend. [ Whether he deserves it or not is still up for debate. ] But don't worry about this old man. You're the one that's injured. Which one of us is really in worst shape right now? And I'm going to answer that in saying that it isn't me.
[ This really does cement that she isn't human, but so what? So what?! ] ... what do we do...? This isn't going to just be how it is for you... is it?
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And so she denies his attempt by turning this back onto her. No; no: this is about him. What Chroma has decided is honored to him, and that she has entered his heart instead of he entertaining her own is... well, it makes it solely about him instead, and so she must continue its resolution.
She loosens the embrace only by a margin, so that his her hand may go to his chest, to where this heart might lie. But to continue the closeness that they have managed, she rests her forehead against his and speaks. ] No.
No. You are free to worry, but I assure you that you that I will be fine. [ True, she is not saying that he ought not be concerned, but that it is by his own choice but to be concerned. But that isn't the main issue here. Instead: ]
I want you to promise.
To promise that you will tell me.... when you need help. To treat me as... not as one of your disciples or even as one of those you that may advise.....
But as a friend, and that as a friend... you will trust me to let me--
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--Know when you are in need of of my help.
Promise. You must promise. I won't go away until you do. [ By the Architect, she could even joke that: ] "Peak Lord" or not; did you know that sharks are millions more ancient than trees? Don't think I haven't lived longer than you. You must listen to me, if I'm your senior.
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His lips press together into a firm, thin line. He understands what she is saying, but he feels his chest contract and ache at the words all the same. She'll be okay? Will she regrow an arm?
Was that why she wasn't hesitant to take any injury meant for someone else? Because she would recover from it?
His mouth curves down into more of a glower even as she happens to be looking at him with such fondness, such gentleness. He can only stare back at her with his jaw set and eyes filled with concern. ]
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He's forgiven. He was wrong. He's forgiven. He can change. He can become a little better than who he was before.
He understands that as that's what his heart really wanted for him! He understands that he wants that for himself -- the chance to say that he could be a better, less vile person!
But even if he changes into those things, even if he forgives himself for what he has done, he can't like himself anymore than what he does. Which is obviously an abysmal amount. He has to admit that now that he's seen how his heart views his own existence.
His eyes close. ]
You're my senior, Pyra. [ A ghost of a smile touches his lips. ] So, that's what you meant before ... about being immortal. [ Ah, he got it wrong. ]
Pyra, I need your help. [ He opens his eyes. ] I will die of guilt if I don't know how to fix what I ruined in my heart.
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[ And here she brings her remaining hand up to his chin, tilting his face so that their eyes might meet. ] ...The answer that you gave us-- [ That, either of them might be forgiven. Or should be. Or will be told that they are wrong, and then subsequently be forgiven thereafter-- ] is important.
Your answer is more human than my own... and, still, maybe... wiser than my own, because it is human. [ But in the end: ] I... don't have a complete answer to give.
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[ There's a breath, a smile. ]
Isn't the answer obvious, though?
Shouldn't it be about love?
[ It should start with that, she thinks. That what's she's starting with, a love for the world... and she's believed, at least, that he too loves this world. ]
Or... what does your heart tell you, Shen Qingqiu?
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It only takes a few seconds to realize that she's believes that he's saying something else. But his chin turns away as he fixes on something what she was saying. ]
Even if you're not human, so what? Pyra is someone who doesn't need to be human to be wise or right or good.
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You said ... us?
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A delicate pause follows his question. And then she answers: ]
You... and I. Us.
[ She says, tone especially careful in this instance. ] You claimed both of us as villains, didn't you? [ Kinda. Sorta. Yeah. If he's moving his head away from her hand, then fine. She'll just give him a motherly head pat instead. ]
If you don't believe that you should be forgiven, then I shouldn't either. A scholar shouldn't cherry-pick.
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I didn't claim you were a villain. [ The head pat is met with a small sigh. ] But ... you do feel like you're also hurting. This teacher's eyes are a little worn and miss a few things, but he noticed that much.
[ A half-smile. ] Scholars cherry-pick all the time. But ... I do want to be forgiven. [ Ah, that hurts to say. Not in a painful way, but like he is slowly releasing some pressure on his chest. ]
You are someone that I will forgive. I'll say it out here in reality. I'll forgive you. I'll tell you that you were wrong and scold you... but I'll forgive you.
[ He looks back to her. ] You have lived a long life... and living here with us now. Should you not be living with a little kinder to yourself? [ A softer smile. ] You cannot ask me to rely on you and ask for help, if you won't do the same for yourself, ah?
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But she has learned what friendship is and what love is. And she's come to respect both of those human constructs as... not constructs as all, but very real, and very true things that exist within the world. They are things that she respects, things that she wants to have for herself. ]
Likewise, I forgive you... I'll tell you when you're wrong, when you're doing something wrong-- like pushing others away, those that want to help you. [ Also, she wants to call him out with trying to guide the conversation away from him! When this isn't about her at all! This is all about his heart! So she's not going to even to acknowledge that he suspects she is hurting. ]
But I'll also forgive you for that, because I know it's difficult.
[ She withdraws her hand, and now she's completely separated from him. ] I suppose we're at a stand-still, huh? We already said we would protect each other.
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This teacher will do what he can to listen. [ And he will smile warmly at her, because he should give her something to hope for rather than feel like he is such a lost cause. ] Sometimes, that will be difficult. You need not have patience if I am too hard-of-hearing.
[ Even if she knows it is difficult, he tells her that it is okay to yell at him. ]
We already did say that, yes. We said those things and ... did we do those things when they mattered? [ His eyes drop down to her arm; the warm smile changes to a rueful one quickly. ] Protecting Pyra from making poor decisions like dying for someone... I can say I did that, and am happy I did so.
[ His gaze drifts back up. ] And Pyra protected me from having to keep thinking it would be impossible to be forgiven... even though, I wished for it to be possible. So, it seems like we are living up to our promises... even if I broke mine slightly by hurting you. [ Listen, you can say the real pain is seeing me hurting, but I ain't letting this go! Okay? Okay! ]
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She doesn't regret the choices that she made in his heart, only that it took stepping into his heart in the first place to realize just how much he is hurting.
.....It occurs to her, then, that he knows very little about her. Perhaps, in part, by how little she talks about herself, but also because she is so much more fascinated with him. An immortal, a peak lord (whatever hat means), a leader, an intellectual, a being to passes on his knowledge to obtain that immortality onto others, helping them. Who knows how many he has helped within his long life time.
She might claim to be his "senior", but she was only being partly facetious to pull rank and get him to listen. But really, who is she in comparison? A tool of the god of her world, nothing more. Meanwhile, he... ]
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[ She extends her remaining hand out. ]
So.... would you lend me a bit of your power?
[ Ordinarily... she would simply wait for the energy within her to reconstruct the parts of her body that was lost, to take care of things herself, alone. But maybe this will show him that she too is willing to reinforce the lesson that she's learned of others intruding within her own heart, that she is not alone. That she has others to help her. ]
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