WHO: Cairngorm + various WHERE: Around! WHEN: Memory sharing event! WHAT: Closed prompts for characters to get a glimpse into ~the land of the lustrous~ WARNINGS: crystal body horror, dismemberment
[ Immediately, the most noticeable thing about this memory? An abrupt absence of autonomy.
There's a gem visible, but it is visually not recognizeable as Cairngorm themself. The pale glinting of their hair and their one visible eye is similar, but their face is too serene looking to be distinctly them— and yet, when this gem's hand comes to hold their face, the feeling of that contact presents itself all the same. It's strange; it doesn't feel quite like your own face is being touched, though you undoubtedly know it's your arm being forcibly moved. And a voice, eerily similar to Cairngorm's, though not nearly as assertive hums out with an exasperated, almost embarrassed sigh:
When the other party gains more control than me, they often surprise everyone... like what happened yesterday. Apparently they wanted to save Lapis.
What's strangest of all is the sensation of speaking; it's like your lips are moving but you aren't saying anything, like your mouth is being used to talk for someone else. From sight alone, it'd be impossible to confirm that these physical feelings are truly coming from Cairngorm, and not this curiously similar looking gem, but even if all the stimuli align with the motions the crystal goes through, layered over those feelings is a thick physical sense of being restrained, of having no control over the sensations that movement and talking are bringing them. It is almost as if they are an extremely aware doll, with the capability to feel everytime they are moved or made to say something.
As soon as the memory fades, that looming feeling of limitation fades with it, and Cairngorm only waits a beat to snap out of what they've just relived, shaking their head briefly before taking in a breath. ]
Ah. Where was I? I was asking you about returning a book you'd borrowed...
[ They don't seem to think this is something worthy of being discussed, nor is it worrying in the least sense. ]
[ All he wanted to do was make sure his friends were all doing okay and now he gets to feel what Extreme Dissociation feels like instead and that, my friends, is Not Great. It's enough to chill his spine, but furthermore, is enough to cause quite a bit of concern.
There's a lot to process here, aside from the strange sensations that made Caramia feel like maybe he needed to lie down and take a few deep breaths to remind himself he's alive and actually here. Hoo boy, that certainly was a Trip. However, his worry over the gem was a little more pressing at the moment, and... they were just going to ignore that happened entirely? He... understood that much, he guessed. He's done the same with some of his own run-ins with memory stuff, but... ]
...Cairngorm. [ He didn't want to ask questions, but also he wasn't going to let them just... gloss over that!! ] What... was that?
[ Well. They were kind of hoping he wouldn't ask since it's so tricky to even start explaining it. So they sigh. ]
...That was my former state. I was born with a double-structure.
[ Unfortunately, they don't really have a way of knowing just how unnatural living how they lived with Ghost would feel to someone who had never known it, so they have to assume that the reason he looks like that is because its a Very Bad Feeling. To them, it's living like this that feels unnatural. They sincerely doubt that look of concern is just because of how different they looked in that memory. ]
Meaning, there used to be another gem formed over this body.... we've since then been separated.
[ Never "my body", just "this one". That alone should explain why they looked so different, though they're not sure how good of a job that will do of explaining the sensations he must have felt. ]
Hey remember when I tagged at a Normal Speed because I don't
[ You know, he was totally expecting an explanation he didn't understand, because that's just how Cairngorm was, but he couldn't even Frankenstein a vaguely coherent answer out of all that? Double-structured? Another gem over them? Come on, Gorm, he's an idiot. ]
Er- [ He contemplated how the best way to say "What the fuck?" was at that moment. But he was feeling very much "what the fuck" himself, so trying to piece together coherent words on top of his scattered thoughts wasn't going to happen. Not immediately, anyway. ]
Who... are they? [ That might be a good place to start...? Maybe? ]
[ Their response is quick, and simple. They're not exactly sure what else he'd like to know about them, but they're trying to recall what has been the best way to explain this to others in the past. ]
You can think of myself and Ghost as being two personalities that shared one body. You felt that much, didn't you...?
[ How Cairn's will and the motions of that body he'd felt hadn't exactly lined up? Yeah. They don't look terribly concerned questioning him about it, since that was the norm for the last eight or nine centuries, after all. ]
[ For someone who knows that gems operate in daylight, it may be strange that this memory is drenched in the dark of night, the room around them only lit by two jellyfish on either side of a long table.
Ghost! I'm so sorry! Thank goodness you're safe! No, really, I'm so glad!
There's a bright, cheery voice that echoes throughout the chamber, and the first physical sensation that comes from this memory is that of their shoulders tensing up, their fist clenching at their side.
Ghost... it's you, right?
At that, the memory-Cairngorm swings around, revealing their unpowdered form, and most importantly, their furious, threatening expression. It is unmistakably them, even with their hair shaggier than it's usual proper cut, looking more or less like it'd been hacked at with arrows (it had been).
This gem, with these suspiciously familiar golden arms, that'd been so relieved of "Ghost's" safety seems stricken at their appearance, but they don't get more than a beat to look shocked over it before Cairngorm's clenched fist makes contact with their face. Which immediately shatters it into dozens of shards with a loud crack, both eyes flying in different directions and rolling far away as the other shards clatter loudly against the floor— though not as loudly as the rest of that gem's body does when it falls limp to the ground, the gold that had been making the distinct shape of their arms melting into puddles. There's no sensation of pain that comes from striking that gem's face, but it is a certainly inhuman sensation, to feel something so dense break under your fist alone. Everything about this memory is inhuman, from that display of violence to the unbreathing, unfeeling nature of gems themselves; though the one human thing about this memory is that there is a man who comes into the room at the sound, looking appropriately horrified at Cairngorm's actions.
Not that the outcome of this memory nor the identity of that mystery dude become apparent, because in the next moment, Lupin will see the powdered Cairngorm again, who looks more Mildly Annoyed that a memory was shared against their will than concerned about the content of said memory. ]
[ He catches on quickly; this isn't the first memory Lupin's been thrown into, and he doubts it will be the last, though he has yet to figure out the mechanism they're being shared through. It was easy to assume that touching was the trigger at first, but he hadn't done more than meet Cairngorm's eyes before he was dragged summarily into their past.
And what a past it is. He recognizes Cairngorm, he thinks he recognizes Phos, too - if only by the voice and the arms, because he doesn't get a good look at their face before Cairngorm destroys it. Lupin is a criminal who grew up on the streets; he's been party to plenty of violence, but this is extreme and visceral. He can feel their face shattering under his knuckles right down to the nose buckling. There's no pain, but that might be worse. He can hardly focus on the unfamiliar (human?) man that walks into the room when his mind's so shaken from the sensation of breaking another person into pieces with his bare hands.
It's over soon enough; he forgot what he was actually going to say to Cairn. Instead, he just looks kind of pale for a second, silent, before his expression turns to something closer to disgust. ]
-- What the hell was that? Why did you...
[ he'll regret jumping to conclusions and letting his feelings show so openly in his face and voice in a second, but the experience was so raw that it simply comes out the second he has his bearings back. ]
[ They were about to gladly elaborate in a dry comedic way on why Phos totally deserved that punch, but instead they're met with... that. Lupin's reaction completely catches them off guard, and it definitely shows in how their eyes go wide, how they look oddly hurt when they read his expression. They'd rather not think about why it makes them feel so badly to be stared at that way by him, so they're quick to force their hurt expression into one closer to 'fuck you, Lupin'. ]
That was the night after Ghost got taken to the moon, since it wasn't obvious enough. [ They snap, their lip curled into a sneer. ] The first time we'd been separated since birth. And it was Phos' fault.
[ That's justification enough, and as far as they're concerned, this is more of an explanation than Lupin currently deserves. Sure, they've grown past the anger they felt towards Phos for causing it to happen, but the Cairngorm of that time, still "Ghost Quartz" by name, who'd had their way of life ripped away from them over a stupid, pointless mistake? The present Cairngorm will defend them; they're not like their sibling who would cower away when challenged. ]
[ Even if they're quick to chase it off their face, Lupin catches the look of hurt before it's gone. Were this someone else, he might not be bothered by it much; after all, he feels like he did just watch them murder someone. But this is Cairngorm. He doesn't want to hurt them. He feels guilty about it, almost instantly, in spite of what he just witnessed, and he wants to forgive them. It feels a little like a betrayal of his trust in them; he prays that there's a reasonable explanation for it so that he can heal that hurt and not have to stand by it. Lupin - does care about Cairngorm, more than he'd realized, but his devotion to his ideals and his justice can't be shaken.
His expression relaxes quickly into something more neutral, and he sighs, running a hand through his hair. ]
... Is that why Phos has someone else's head? Because you destroyed it?
[ what does that mean? did they kill them when that happened, and now they're "Lapis," at least partially? he has a hard time grasping it, and a hard time imagining them being able to put Phos's head back together after what happened.
Just because Phos did something wrong doesn't mean they deserved to die for it like that. ]
You think that I— what part of we can be rebuilt do you still not understand?
[ From their perspective, the head is just like any other part of the body— why would it being shattered prevent Phos from being revived? Lupin has only seen them lose whole limbs, clearly he isn’t aware that gems get broken like this constantly, even if not usually by other gems themselves.
What’s more important here is— is this what Lupin thinks of them? That they would permanently destroy other gems if angry enough, like some Lunarian...? They look away, not particularly interested in his feelings of guilt or staying here longer than they have to; they make motions to get up, visibly set on storming off after they say their piece. ]
I gave them that precious head on their shoulders, after Lunarians stole the one they had.
[ They don’t say it to enlighten him or to prove their innocence, its only to make him feel badly for thinking so lowly of them. They should be well accustomed to being written off as violent and cruel, given that their whole life people’s only impression of them was based off of when they could get mad enough to get control over Ghost, but somehow this still stings. ]
So that’s why they’re like that, not because “I destroyed them”. But go ahead, think whatever you want.
[ They're right - he isn't aware, and for a human, a head is an absolutely vital organ that can't be destroyed. He applies the same thinking to the gems. Incorrectly, it seems. When Cairngorm clarifies that they can rebuilt, and that Lunarians are the ones who stole Phos's head, he breathes out a sigh of relief.
(Does that change that Cairngorm broke their head? No - nor does it really ease the fresh memory of shattering it that Lupin now shares. But it means that it at least wasn't a fatal injury, and he can forgive lashing out in a moment of anger in a second.)
This is a lot to process in a few seconds, even for him, but he does his best to compartmentalize what he just saw for the moment, with his immediate fears of misjudging Cairngorm soothed, and focus on the new problem: he's hurt Cairngorm's feelings. It's obvious in every inch of their body language and in their poisonous tone of voice, and on one hand, he feels quite defensive - what was he supposed to think, seeing something like that? - but the much greater part of him is suddenly worried he's done something he can't take back. ]
Cairngorm -- You know I'm not going to think whatever I want. That's why I was asking you - I was confused.
[ He remembers now that he'd just been swinging by to check in on them; he hadn't made it further than their doorway before this all happened, and now, he stands his ground firmly there, hoping to block Cairngorm from running off. ]
[ This also isn't the sort of reaction they were expecting. Most people steer right out of Cairngorm's way when they are visibly pissed off, especially to this extent. For a moment, it seems like they are unsure of whether they should just steamroll past him or hear what he has to say, having not thought ahead this far. So they are left at a loss of what to do, other than to let out a short, curt exhale, and to stubbornly dig their heels in further.
From that memory alone it should've been clear that Phos deserved it, and they didn't get hurt from it. He felt it all the same. They'd never been so upset in their life than at that moment, so to be immediately blamed for how they were acting is invalidating, not to mention plain insulting. So, when they speak again, after a long pause, it's with carefully crafted aggravation, keeping any sign that they are anything other than irritated out of their voice and expression. ]
What? What else do you want. If you're only going to ask me more accusing questions, then get out of my way.
[ For all their bluster, it's obvious that they aren't bluffing this time; they fully intend to physically move him if he crosses the very thin line he's treading. ]
[ yeah, he doesn't think Cairngorm's ever been this mad at him before. Lupin still feels like he's missing something here (it's the fact that gems getting broken like that is apparently common), and he still feels like it's not fair that he's getting treated like the bad guy when he did just watch Cairngorm suddenly destroy someone's face... but, in the end, he cares more about not upsetting them than preserving his pride this time. Lupin sighs, rubbing his temples and looking awkward. ]
I didn't mean to yell at you like that. I just got... a little freaked out. I knew you could put limbs back, but the head's another matter entirely.
[ They were scared in that moment, though, weren't they? He can put the pieces together (no pun intended) from what he saw in the memory and what they said to him. They were suddenly in control of their own body, alone, for the first time; they were ragged from just being in a fight, he has to assume, and Phos was calling them by the name of their "sibling" who was presumably gone forever. And it was Phos's fault, too, somehow. Cairngorm is clumsy, Lupin thinks, and quick to anger. That kind of reaction isn't unbelievable. Even if it is a little alarming. ]
... I was scared you killed someone, is all. [ and that he was wrong about them - it wouldn't be the first time, he reflects sardonically, but he continues on, not budging from where he stands. ] I'm glad you didn't.
[ Do they like trying on clothes? No. Do they like socializing with people they don't have to? Also no. But are they easily pulled around if the other party is persistent and annoying enough? Yes.
So that's how they've landed themself here, changing into whatever dumb fashionable clothes Lottie has told them to— as standoffish as Cairngorm is, they're not the type to swim upstream for too long. And Lottie is undoubtedly persistent, as well as annoying. Who knows what kind of even more aggravating task could be waiting for them if they don't comply with this, if they let Lottie think of something even worse to force them into. Besides, it'll be just like old times with Red Beryl. ]
Remind me again what the point of this is...
[ They complain (loudly) from inside their own room, through the shut door to Lottie who is presumably standing on the other side, waiting for them to be finished. ]
[ Deal with it.. They at least owe Lottie that much when she's officially the designated Rock Doctor now. She needs to check if all her clothes are fine, and any help she can enlist is better for her. While Cairngorm certainly didn't want to, they did. Lottie is secretly thankful for their help - but she won't admit it just yet. ]
This is expensive stuff, Gorm! [ She says this as if they should know how much those garments cost, by now. Lottie stands against the wall to their room, a little ways from the door. ] I need to see if all my clothes are damaged from that well.
[ While her suitcase was waterproof... She's paranoid. She has to check them specifically. And if she has people - well, rocks. If she has rocks - to help her, she'll try her best to get the ball rolling.
And also because she heard something particularly interesting happen in this house. ]
[ Jesus, her priorities are so bad. That's all they can think while they hear her go on and on, and it's a good thing she's not in here to catch their huge eye roll. This is the behavior of someone who has never had to deal with life much harder than the mundane, has never had to fight or anything like that— though that much is obvious by her sub-par physical skills and lack of weaponry.
They open the door expectantly, the dress she'd handed off to them now on their slim and lanky figure. Admittedly, without their heels on, they're smaller than she is, but their proportions belie any lacking in the height department. ]
How am I supposed to know? This is your dress. You tell me.
[ That's as open of an invitation as she's going to get to inspect the garment on them, as a hand comes to rest at their hip, their black crystal nails glinting softly with the movement. ]
Ugh, fine. [ Lottie doesn't really notice the drastic change in height - her best friend Misty is literally half her height. What she does notice is a snag of fabric on the side of the dress, which she instinctively reaches out to touch.
She can't really pinpoint when this must've happened, but at least she has her scissors and sewing kit with her. There's a long, painful, sigh that comes from her lips before she circles Cairngorm. ] I can't even mark it either 'cuz I forgot that.. Great. [ She needs to get her glasses, too... She runs her hands through her hair before grabbing at the sleeve of the dress they wear. ]
I'm gonna take a pic, so stay still.
[ And then she takes out her phone - the one that's barely surviving - and positions it in front of her in their direction. But then she kneels down when she realizes at her height, it just makes them look seriously unflattering from that angle. ]
[ A century of being tailored into cute dresses has prepared them for this. This, being, her touching the garment while they're wearing it, and circling around them like they're some store mannequin. They have no clue what she's doing with that tiny device, nor do they have an inkling of what photography is, so they just tilt their head to the side a bit when she prompts them not to glare. ]
I have no idea what you're talking about. [ This is their natural expression?! Their eyebrows are permanently stuck like that, Lottie. At least they half follow her instructions by casting their gaze off to the side, looking more neutrally confused than angry. ] Just tell me when this is over.
[ And then, they stay perfectly still for whatever it is that she's doing, you know, like the good model they've been forced into being in the past. ]
[ How sad... That's just their face. Lottie tilts the camera back a bit more, shuffling around to try and find a good angle where the light hits their face well. It's only a few more seconds after that does she stop, squatting before standing up. ]
Wow.. You don't know what a picture is?
[ She says, scrolling through her phone to delete the ugly ones. And then takes her time zooming in on the dress they wear with the ones they look decent in. Her face looks pleasantly surprised, peering down at the device. ]
Look at it.
[ She raises the phone to their eye level, and when they come to grips about what the hell is happening, she'll let them take control of it to swipe as they please. ]
[ They look at the device curiously, brows furrowing a little bit more when they see the picture of themself. It's weird, because it's like... looking into a mirror, but the mirror depicts the past? Strange. Magical, kind of, though they understand distantly that this is a feat of technology, not magic. Because she prompts it, they reach out to take the device from her, which is when the memory roulette goes off again.
Typical of all of Cairngorm's shared memories, Lottie will first be painfully aware of a lack of human sensations: no beating heart, no need to breathe, no sense of temperature. The landscape around her is that of a few days before winter; there are small piles of snow that litter the ground, there's no green in sight, and even without feeling the icy temperature this tundra must have, it's clear that the air must be chilly.
That aside, there are some more attention grabbing things in this memory: and that's the gems. Cairngorm themself, scythe in hand, left arm unpowdered and shining black, is walking in stride with a certain someone with suspiciously familiar golden arms. Their face and hair is completely different than the Phos Lottie would be familiar with, so maybe she doesn't even recognize them.
In less than a few seconds of the memory starting, there's a strange and forceful contact that brushes into Cairngorm, inhuman in it's abruptness and how it makes their body rattle, and looking to the side, Lottie would be immediately greeted by a simply dazzling character: Yellow Diamond, glittering brilliant gold with their quick and carefree movements.
Yo!!
They chime out, wrapping their arm around Cairngorm's shoulders.
Ack!! Yellow... you could break someone.
Cairngorm complains in as respectful of a way as they can, shrugging off the other gem and watching worriedly as the pair of diamonds make their way off. There's another pair of gems that come to Phos and Cairngorm, gifting them flowercrowns and singing things like 'they're for your recovery!'. But no, that certainly isn't the focus of this memory— what is more raw and attention grabbing is that when Cairngorm moves their left arm to adjust the crown on their head, there's a barely audible crack, and an abrupt feeling of numbness at the junction of where that limb has been glued to the rest of their body. The last thing Lottie would feel is Cairngorm's eyes looking down at the arm in fear, before the both of them are consciously aware of the room around them again.
There's a few beats of awkward silence, but they still have the phone in their hand. ]
Oh... if I touch this the way you were, I'll scratch the glass.
[ They'll just. Try to give her her phone back to smooth things over. ]
That's the most obvious thing from the first glimpse of this memory, triggered by Phos getting a little too touchy with them during this inconvenient week. Phos would immediately recognize it as their room, though memory-Cairngorm is standing inside, almost awkwardly in front of where Phos lays under a white sheet.
Oh, these clothes? They gesture to their newly fashioned white uniform. I didn't want to wear too much black in the snow. Last year I could evade them, but Red Beryl has gotten really intrusive as of late...
There's a long, heavy pause. Aside from the usual exhaustion that knowing you'll have to stay awake even in the faint winter light brings, there's an additional weight that sits on Cairngorm's shoulders, an exhaustion that's deep in their core. It's palpable in every part of their body, from their tensed brow to the rigidness of their shoulders.
This year makes it exactly one hundred since I started winter duty. I'm just now better than you at breaking ice floes. At the end, this wasn't a short path...
Giving them Lapis' head, they mean. They'd thought this would have been a better alternative to waiting for who knows how long for acceptable materials for Phosphophyllite, but they're starting to lose hope. The expression they're wearing and their tone of voice are ones Phos would have never seen on them— and that's just it. They could never show to the conscious Phos how devastating this had all been to them, how each time winter came and another year was added to the wait for them to wake up, they became more and more tired, lost more and more faith.
I'll see you in the evening.
With that last somber note, they turn to leave the room, and that's when the memory fades. Cairngorm had been pushing away rudely at their partner's playfulness, as is their usual dynamic, but after reliving that? They seem frozen, controlling their expression into one that's decidedly neutral. They need to blow this off before Phos makes a big deal about it. ]
Ugh, look what you did. If you'd listened to what I said about touching me...
[ With a frown, they turn their face away, looking anywhere but in their direction. They really don't want to see however Phos will react to that. ]
[ At the start of the memory, Phos keeps their annoying hold on Cairngorm, even as the scene begins to unfold— blanketed in the familiar white silence that belongs to winter, they recognize their room immediately. It's only once they realize what this memory is of that causes them go completely still, not knowing but understanding that it's their own unconscious body laid out under that sheet.
When the Cairngorm in this memory begins to speak, Phos' own body aches with assortment of different sensations. The overwhelming exhaustion of winter duty weighs heavier than they remember, and despite the secondhand tension keeping their shoulders taut with what can only be Cairngorm's own strain, Phos can feel their arms begin to sag.
"I'll see you in the evening."
They're hanging onto every word, stricken by the softness of them, and when the memory dissipates and takes those feelings with it, Phos has to blink a few times to make sure it's reality they're seeing around them again. ]
..Every day?
[ There's so much racing through their mind, but it's the first thing they can think to ask, ignoring Cairngorm's own complaints. Slowly, they separate themself from the stiffness of their frame, focusing on their face in search of an explanation they know they'll have to drag out of their partner. ]
[ Phos letting go of them does not in fact do anything to help them relax. No, they feel just about as tense as they had in that memory from two— almost three years ago now. They sigh. ]
...Only during winter.
[ As if that makes it any better. They admit it, but not without a note of shame. The fact of the matter is that Phos, Cairngorm, and all the other gems are obsessive creatures, just because of their immortal nature— Phos should know this by now, young lifespan aside. When the other gems were awake, they could keep their mind off of Phos and everything that happened, but with everyone asleep and no one to distract them, the grief was almost overwhelming. ]
You were taking forever to wake up... [ Their eyes don't meet, and they cross their arms over their chest almost defensively now that they're free of Phos' hold. ] I didn't give you that precious head so it could erode away under some sheet.
[ Yes, they can always fall back on the fact that it's Lapis' precious head to try and divert their care for their partner. The two of them have been through this song and dance so many times that they're almost certain Phos must see through it (especially given what the two of them just relived), but what else are they supposed to do? Admitting it would be accepting that they're partners for real, not substitutes for each other's lost ones. And that's a dangerous line to cross. ]
[ This feels like a side of Cairngorm that Phos hasn't been permitted to see before. Parts of it had begun to filter through the cracks back home, barely visible and easily dismissed by Phos themself at most times under the weight of their own thoughts. A hundred and two winters of waiting, though- that's not so easily looked over, and they feel almost guilty for having taken so long. ]
I'm sorry.
[ And they are, truly, even if it's not something that could have been helped. They feel maybe a little sorry that it didn't turn out exactly the way Cairngorm would have preferred, with Phos' body simply being a replacement for Lapis' own, consciousness overtaken. They'd promised to be a good substitute, but how well have they stuck to that, really? The weight of every forgotten and broken promise to take care of this precious head hangs as heavy on Phos as the exhaustion they'd felt in Cairngorm's memory, shoulders sagging as a sigh escapes them. ]
I kept you waiting, and I've been making you do all sorts of things you don't want to right after that. I'm a terrible substitute, aren't I? [ A self pitying laugh, in the hopes that Cairngorm realizes Phos isn't going to be toeing over that line just yet, either. The scope of their own self awareness is usually narrow, but they think they can see a little more clearly in this moment, if enough to make one more flimsy promise. ]
When all this is over, I'll return Lapis' head to your care.
[ With no clarification on what "this" is- they offer a smile to combat Cairngorm's own sullen expression. The same old song and dance, indeed. ]
[ That self pitying laugh stings them, but they don't let it show on their expression. They don't like this air between them. It's never comfortable when things between them and Phos get too serious— this is why the two of them are always diverting their true intentions, covering up any serious relation with petty bickering, and dancing around the very obvious baggage between them. Antarc, Ghost, Lapis, the moon. "When all this is over", they say. ]
I already told you... keep it, I gave it to you.
[ It's the most placating thing they can offer, without being directly comforting. Lapis isn't coming back, they want to say, so it doesn't matter either way, but what's more is that they're not sure if they could take the head back if Phos would go back to being dormant, care for Lapis aside. They can't admit that, though. Like Phos, they're unwilling to cross that line, at the very least until "all of this" is over.
They finally meet Phos' gaze again, pushing their neutral expression into a frown, pensive and firm. ]
"All this" isn't going to end anytime soon, so long as we are here. So you can save that promise for when we get back. And for Ghost.
[ It's true, Phos is no Lapis, but they find themself more okay with that than Ghost must be. This promise is empty to them, but it wouldn't be to their sibling, provided all three of them make it back, and Phos needs to be aware of it before they go offering. ]
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CARAMIA
There's a gem visible, but it is visually not recognizeable as Cairngorm themself. The pale glinting of their hair and their one visible eye is similar, but their face is too serene looking to be distinctly them— and yet, when this gem's hand comes to hold their face, the feeling of that contact presents itself all the same. It's strange; it doesn't feel quite like your own face is being touched, though you undoubtedly know it's your arm being forcibly moved. And a voice, eerily similar to Cairngorm's, though not nearly as assertive hums out with an exasperated, almost embarrassed sigh:
When the other party gains more control than me, they often surprise everyone... like what happened yesterday. Apparently they wanted to save Lapis.
What's strangest of all is the sensation of speaking; it's like your lips are moving but you aren't saying anything, like your mouth is being used to talk for someone else. From sight alone, it'd be impossible to confirm that these physical feelings are truly coming from Cairngorm, and not this curiously similar looking gem, but even if all the stimuli align with the motions the crystal goes through, layered over those feelings is a thick physical sense of being restrained, of having no control over the sensations that movement and talking are bringing them. It is almost as if they are an extremely aware doll, with the capability to feel everytime they are moved or made to say something.
As soon as the memory fades, that looming feeling of limitation fades with it, and Cairngorm only waits a beat to snap out of what they've just relived, shaking their head briefly before taking in a breath. ]
Ah. Where was I? I was asking you about returning a book you'd borrowed...
[ They don't seem to think this is something worthy of being discussed, nor is it worrying in the least sense. ]
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There's a lot to process here, aside from the strange sensations that made Caramia feel like maybe he needed to lie down and take a few deep breaths to remind himself he's alive and actually here. Hoo boy, that certainly was a Trip. However, his worry over the gem was a little more pressing at the moment, and... they were just going to ignore that happened entirely? He... understood that much, he guessed. He's done the same with some of his own run-ins with memory stuff, but... ]
...Cairngorm. [ He didn't want to ask questions, but also he wasn't going to let them just... gloss over that!! ] What... was that?
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...That was my former state. I was born with a double-structure.
[ Unfortunately, they don't really have a way of knowing just how unnatural living how they lived with Ghost would feel to someone who had never known it, so they have to assume that the reason he looks like that is because its a Very Bad Feeling. To them, it's living like this that feels unnatural. They sincerely doubt that look of concern is just because of how different they looked in that memory. ]
Meaning, there used to be another gem formed over this body.... we've since then been separated.
[ Never "my body", just "this one". That alone should explain why they looked so different, though they're not sure how good of a job that will do of explaining the sensations he must have felt. ]
Hey remember when I tagged at a Normal Speed because I don't
Er- [ He contemplated how the best way to say "What the fuck?" was at that moment. But he was feeling very much "what the fuck" himself, so trying to piece together coherent words on top of his scattered thoughts wasn't going to happen. Not immediately, anyway. ]
Who... are they? [ That might be a good place to start...? Maybe? ]
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[ Their response is quick, and simple. They're not exactly sure what else he'd like to know about them, but they're trying to recall what has been the best way to explain this to others in the past. ]
You can think of myself and Ghost as being two personalities that shared one body. You felt that much, didn't you...?
[ How Cairn's will and the motions of that body he'd felt hadn't exactly lined up? Yeah. They don't look terribly concerned questioning him about it, since that was the norm for the last eight or nine centuries, after all. ]
LUPIN
Ghost! I'm so sorry! Thank goodness you're safe! No, really, I'm so glad!
There's a bright, cheery voice that echoes throughout the chamber, and the first physical sensation that comes from this memory is that of their shoulders tensing up, their fist clenching at their side.
Ghost... it's you, right?
At that, the memory-Cairngorm swings around, revealing their unpowdered form, and most importantly, their furious, threatening expression. It is unmistakably them, even with their hair shaggier than it's usual proper cut, looking more or less like it'd been hacked at with arrows (it had been).
This gem, with these suspiciously familiar golden arms, that'd been so relieved of "Ghost's" safety seems stricken at their appearance, but they don't get more than a beat to look shocked over it before Cairngorm's clenched fist makes contact with their face. Which immediately shatters it into dozens of shards with a loud crack, both eyes flying in different directions and rolling far away as the other shards clatter loudly against the floor— though not as loudly as the rest of that gem's body does when it falls limp to the ground, the gold that had been making the distinct shape of their arms melting into puddles. There's no sensation of pain that comes from striking that gem's face, but it is a certainly inhuman sensation, to feel something so dense break under your fist alone. Everything about this memory is inhuman, from that display of violence to the unbreathing, unfeeling nature of gems themselves; though the one human thing about this memory is that there is a man who comes into the room at the sound, looking appropriately horrified at Cairngorm's actions.
Not that the outcome of this memory nor the identity of that mystery dude become apparent, because in the next moment, Lupin will see the powdered Cairngorm again, who looks more Mildly Annoyed that a memory was shared against their will than concerned about the content of said memory. ]
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And what a past it is. He recognizes Cairngorm, he thinks he recognizes Phos, too - if only by the voice and the arms, because he doesn't get a good look at their face before Cairngorm destroys it. Lupin is a criminal who grew up on the streets; he's been party to plenty of violence, but this is extreme and visceral. He can feel their face shattering under his knuckles right down to the nose buckling. There's no pain, but that might be worse. He can hardly focus on the unfamiliar (human?) man that walks into the room when his mind's so shaken from the sensation of breaking another person into pieces with his bare hands.
It's over soon enough; he forgot what he was actually going to say to Cairn. Instead, he just looks kind of pale for a second, silent, before his expression turns to something closer to disgust. ]
-- What the hell was that? Why did you...
[ he'll regret jumping to conclusions and letting his feelings show so openly in his face and voice in a second, but the experience was so raw that it simply comes out the second he has his bearings back. ]
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That was the night after Ghost got taken to the moon, since it wasn't obvious enough. [ They snap, their lip curled into a sneer. ] The first time we'd been separated since birth. And it was Phos' fault.
[ That's justification enough, and as far as they're concerned, this is more of an explanation than Lupin currently deserves. Sure, they've grown past the anger they felt towards Phos for causing it to happen, but the Cairngorm of that time, still "Ghost Quartz" by name, who'd had their way of life ripped away from them over a stupid, pointless mistake? The present Cairngorm will defend them; they're not like their sibling who would cower away when challenged. ]
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His expression relaxes quickly into something more neutral, and he sighs, running a hand through his hair. ]
... Is that why Phos has someone else's head? Because you destroyed it?
[ what does that mean? did they kill them when that happened, and now they're "Lapis," at least partially? he has a hard time grasping it, and a hard time imagining them being able to put Phos's head back together after what happened.
Just because Phos did something wrong doesn't mean they deserved to die for it like that. ]
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[ From their perspective, the head is just like any other part of the body— why would it being shattered prevent Phos from being revived? Lupin has only seen them lose whole limbs, clearly he isn’t aware that gems get broken like this constantly, even if not usually by other gems themselves.
What’s more important here is— is this what Lupin thinks of them? That they would permanently destroy other gems if angry enough, like some Lunarian...? They look away, not particularly interested in his feelings of guilt or staying here longer than they have to; they make motions to get up, visibly set on storming off after they say their piece. ]
I gave them that precious head on their shoulders, after Lunarians stole the one they had.
[ They don’t say it to enlighten him or to prove their innocence, its only to make him feel badly for thinking so lowly of them. They should be well accustomed to being written off as violent and cruel, given that their whole life people’s only impression of them was based off of when they could get mad enough to get control over Ghost, but somehow this still stings. ]
So that’s why they’re like that, not because “I destroyed them”. But go ahead, think whatever you want.
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(Does that change that Cairngorm broke their head? No - nor does it really ease the fresh memory of shattering it that Lupin now shares. But it means that it at least wasn't a fatal injury, and he can forgive lashing out in a moment of anger in a second.)
This is a lot to process in a few seconds, even for him, but he does his best to compartmentalize what he just saw for the moment, with his immediate fears of misjudging Cairngorm soothed, and focus on the new problem: he's hurt Cairngorm's feelings. It's obvious in every inch of their body language and in their poisonous tone of voice, and on one hand, he feels quite defensive - what was he supposed to think, seeing something like that? - but the much greater part of him is suddenly worried he's done something he can't take back. ]
Cairngorm -- You know I'm not going to think whatever I want. That's why I was asking you - I was confused.
[ He remembers now that he'd just been swinging by to check in on them; he hadn't made it further than their doorway before this all happened, and now, he stands his ground firmly there, hoping to block Cairngorm from running off. ]
Don't just run away. [ a beat. ] ... Please.
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From that memory alone it should've been clear that Phos deserved it, and they didn't get hurt from it. He felt it all the same. They'd never been so upset in their life than at that moment, so to be immediately blamed for how they were acting is invalidating, not to mention plain insulting. So, when they speak again, after a long pause, it's with carefully crafted aggravation, keeping any sign that they are anything other than irritated out of their voice and expression. ]
What? What else do you want. If you're only going to ask me more accusing questions, then get out of my way.
[ For all their bluster, it's obvious that they aren't bluffing this time; they fully intend to physically move him if he crosses the very thin line he's treading. ]
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I didn't mean to yell at you like that. I just got... a little freaked out. I knew you could put limbs back, but the head's another matter entirely.
[ They were scared in that moment, though, weren't they? He can put the pieces together (no pun intended) from what he saw in the memory and what they said to him. They were suddenly in control of their own body, alone, for the first time; they were ragged from just being in a fight, he has to assume, and Phos was calling them by the name of their "sibling" who was presumably gone forever. And it was Phos's fault, too, somehow. Cairngorm is clumsy, Lupin thinks, and quick to anger. That kind of reaction isn't unbelievable. Even if it is a little alarming. ]
... I was scared you killed someone, is all. [ and that he was wrong about them - it wouldn't be the first time, he reflects sardonically, but he continues on, not budging from where he stands. ] I'm glad you didn't.
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LOTTIE
So that's how they've landed themself here, changing into whatever dumb fashionable clothes Lottie has told them to— as standoffish as Cairngorm is, they're not the type to swim upstream for too long. And Lottie is undoubtedly persistent, as well as annoying. Who knows what kind of even more aggravating task could be waiting for them if they don't comply with this, if they let Lottie think of something even worse to force them into. Besides, it'll be just like old times with Red Beryl. ]
Remind me again what the point of this is...
[ They complain (loudly) from inside their own room, through the shut door to Lottie who is presumably standing on the other side, waiting for them to be finished. ]
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This is expensive stuff, Gorm! [ She says this as if they should know how much those garments cost, by now. Lottie stands against the wall to their room, a little ways from the door. ] I need to see if all my clothes are damaged from that well.
[ While her suitcase was waterproof... She's paranoid. She has to check them specifically. And if she has people - well, rocks. If she has rocks - to help her, she'll try her best to get the ball rolling.
And also because she heard something particularly interesting happen in this house. ]
Any tears or holes? Wet spots? Discoloration?
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They open the door expectantly, the dress she'd handed off to them now on their slim and lanky figure. Admittedly, without their heels on, they're smaller than she is, but their proportions belie any lacking in the height department. ]
How am I supposed to know? This is your dress. You tell me.
[ That's as open of an invitation as she's going to get to inspect the garment on them, as a hand comes to rest at their hip, their black crystal nails glinting softly with the movement. ]
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She can't really pinpoint when this must've happened, but at least she has her scissors and sewing kit with her. There's a long, painful, sigh that comes from her lips before she circles Cairngorm. ] I can't even mark it either 'cuz I forgot that.. Great. [ She needs to get her glasses, too... She runs her hands through her hair before grabbing at the sleeve of the dress they wear. ]
I'm gonna take a pic, so stay still.
[ And then she takes out her phone - the one that's barely surviving - and positions it in front of her in their direction. But then she kneels down when she realizes at her height, it just makes them look seriously unflattering from that angle. ]
And don't just glare into the camera.
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I have no idea what you're talking about. [ This is their natural expression?! Their eyebrows are permanently stuck like that, Lottie. At least they half follow her instructions by casting their gaze off to the side, looking more neutrally confused than angry. ] Just tell me when this is over.
[ And then, they stay perfectly still for whatever it is that she's doing, you know, like the good model they've been forced into being in the past. ]
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Wow.. You don't know what a picture is?
[ She says, scrolling through her phone to delete the ugly ones. And then takes her time zooming in on the dress they wear with the ones they look decent in. Her face looks pleasantly surprised, peering down at the device. ]
Look at it.
[ She raises the phone to their eye level, and when they come to grips about what the hell is happening, she'll let them take control of it to swipe as they please. ]
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Typical of all of Cairngorm's shared memories, Lottie will first be painfully aware of a lack of human sensations: no beating heart, no need to breathe, no sense of temperature. The landscape around her is that of a few days before winter; there are small piles of snow that litter the ground, there's no green in sight, and even without feeling the icy temperature this tundra must have, it's clear that the air must be chilly.
That aside, there are some more attention grabbing things in this memory: and that's the gems. Cairngorm themself, scythe in hand, left arm unpowdered and shining black, is walking in stride with a certain someone with suspiciously familiar golden arms. Their face and hair is completely different than the Phos Lottie would be familiar with, so maybe she doesn't even recognize them.
In less than a few seconds of the memory starting, there's a strange and forceful contact that brushes into Cairngorm, inhuman in it's abruptness and how it makes their body rattle, and looking to the side, Lottie would be immediately greeted by a simply dazzling character: Yellow Diamond, glittering brilliant gold with their quick and carefree movements.
Yo!!
They chime out, wrapping their arm around Cairngorm's shoulders.
Ack!! Yellow... you could break someone.
Cairngorm complains in as respectful of a way as they can, shrugging off the other gem and watching worriedly as the pair of diamonds make their way off. There's another pair of gems that come to Phos and Cairngorm, gifting them flowercrowns and singing things like 'they're for your recovery!'. But no, that certainly isn't the focus of this memory— what is more raw and attention grabbing is that when Cairngorm moves their left arm to adjust the crown on their head, there's a barely audible crack, and an abrupt feeling of numbness at the junction of where that limb has been glued to the rest of their body. The last thing Lottie would feel is Cairngorm's eyes looking down at the arm in fear, before the both of them are consciously aware of the room around them again.
There's a few beats of awkward silence, but they still have the phone in their hand. ]
Oh... if I touch this the way you were, I'll scratch the glass.
[ They'll just. Try to give her her phone back to smooth things over. ]
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PHOS
That's the most obvious thing from the first glimpse of this memory, triggered by Phos getting a little too touchy with them during this inconvenient week. Phos would immediately recognize it as their room, though memory-Cairngorm is standing inside, almost awkwardly in front of where Phos lays under a white sheet.
Oh, these clothes? They gesture to their newly fashioned white uniform. I didn't want to wear too much black in the snow. Last year I could evade them, but Red Beryl has gotten really intrusive as of late...
There's a long, heavy pause. Aside from the usual exhaustion that knowing you'll have to stay awake even in the faint winter light brings, there's an additional weight that sits on Cairngorm's shoulders, an exhaustion that's deep in their core. It's palpable in every part of their body, from their tensed brow to the rigidness of their shoulders.
This year makes it exactly one hundred since I started winter duty. I'm just now better than you at breaking ice floes. At the end, this wasn't a short path...
Giving them Lapis' head, they mean. They'd thought this would have been a better alternative to waiting for who knows how long for acceptable materials for Phosphophyllite, but they're starting to lose hope. The expression they're wearing and their tone of voice are ones Phos would have never seen on them— and that's just it. They could never show to the conscious Phos how devastating this had all been to them, how each time winter came and another year was added to the wait for them to wake up, they became more and more tired, lost more and more faith.
I'll see you in the evening.
With that last somber note, they turn to leave the room, and that's when the memory fades. Cairngorm had been pushing away rudely at their partner's playfulness, as is their usual dynamic, but after reliving that? They seem frozen, controlling their expression into one that's decidedly neutral. They need to blow this off before Phos makes a big deal about it. ]
Ugh, look what you did. If you'd listened to what I said about touching me...
[ With a frown, they turn their face away, looking anywhere but in their direction. They really don't want to see however Phos will react to that. ]
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When the Cairngorm in this memory begins to speak, Phos' own body aches with assortment of different sensations. The overwhelming exhaustion of winter duty weighs heavier than they remember, and despite the secondhand tension keeping their shoulders taut with what can only be Cairngorm's own strain, Phos can feel their arms begin to sag.
"I'll see you in the evening."
They're hanging onto every word, stricken by the softness of them, and when the memory dissipates and takes those feelings with it, Phos has to blink a few times to make sure it's reality they're seeing around them again. ]
..Every day?
[ There's so much racing through their mind, but it's the first thing they can think to ask, ignoring Cairngorm's own complaints. Slowly, they separate themself from the stiffness of their frame, focusing on their face in search of an explanation they know they'll have to drag out of their partner. ]
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...Only during winter.
[ As if that makes it any better. They admit it, but not without a note of shame. The fact of the matter is that Phos, Cairngorm, and all the other gems are obsessive creatures, just because of their immortal nature— Phos should know this by now, young lifespan aside. When the other gems were awake, they could keep their mind off of Phos and everything that happened, but with everyone asleep and no one to distract them, the grief was almost overwhelming. ]
You were taking forever to wake up... [ Their eyes don't meet, and they cross their arms over their chest almost defensively now that they're free of Phos' hold. ] I didn't give you that precious head so it could erode away under some sheet.
[ Yes, they can always fall back on the fact that it's Lapis' precious head to try and divert their care for their partner. The two of them have been through this song and dance so many times that they're almost certain Phos must see through it (especially given what the two of them just relived), but what else are they supposed to do? Admitting it would be accepting that they're partners for real, not substitutes for each other's lost ones. And that's a dangerous line to cross. ]
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I'm sorry.
[ And they are, truly, even if it's not something that could have been helped. They feel maybe a little sorry that it didn't turn out exactly the way Cairngorm would have preferred, with Phos' body simply being a replacement for Lapis' own, consciousness overtaken. They'd promised to be a good substitute, but how well have they stuck to that, really? The weight of every forgotten and broken promise to take care of this precious head hangs as heavy on Phos as the exhaustion they'd felt in Cairngorm's memory, shoulders sagging as a sigh escapes them. ]
I kept you waiting, and I've been making you do all sorts of things you don't want to right after that. I'm a terrible substitute, aren't I? [ A self pitying laugh, in the hopes that Cairngorm realizes Phos isn't going to be toeing over that line just yet, either. The scope of their own self awareness is usually narrow, but they think they can see a little more clearly in this moment, if enough to make one more flimsy promise. ]
When all this is over, I'll return Lapis' head to your care.
[ With no clarification on what "this" is- they offer a smile to combat Cairngorm's own sullen expression. The same old song and dance, indeed. ]
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I already told you... keep it, I gave it to you.
[ It's the most placating thing they can offer, without being directly comforting. Lapis isn't coming back, they want to say, so it doesn't matter either way, but what's more is that they're not sure if they could take the head back if Phos would go back to being dormant, care for Lapis aside. They can't admit that, though. Like Phos, they're unwilling to cross that line, at the very least until "all of this" is over.
They finally meet Phos' gaze again, pushing their neutral expression into a frown, pensive and firm. ]
"All this" isn't going to end anytime soon, so long as we are here. So you can save that promise for when we get back. And for Ghost.
[ It's true, Phos is no Lapis, but they find themself more okay with that than Ghost must be. This promise is empty to them, but it wouldn't be to their sibling, provided all three of them make it back, and Phos needs to be aware of it before they go offering. ]