awashlogs | [CLOSED] planting berries and growing feelings

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[CLOSED] planting berries and growing feelings

WHO: Akechi and Akira
WHERE: The gardens
WHEN: Late August
WHAT: Quest 20
WARNINGS: Feelings!!

[ His mask had slipped.

Not so much that it had jeopardized his disguise, but enough that anyone who had witnessed his blunder could find him not so pleasant anymore. Sure, there had been plenty of reasons that could reasonably justify it; his illness, the collective disappearance of people he cared about, stress from planning the rescue, even physical exhaustion from having overly relied on his powers-- any of those factors alone could have been enough to make a person snap, but combined? They could be taxing even on the strongest of souls.

But as much as he can take some small comfort from this knowledge, he doesn't want to settle for this. His affable and charismatic persona has become something of a crutch, the only thing that's tangible and safe in a myriad of uncertainties-- his plans, his sense of self, his feelings, very little had solid shape to him these days. These days, the only thing real in his life was a fake. So he'll latch on to it.

He then decides that he needs to make amends, and the best place to start would be with the one person who took the brunt of his rage. A message is sent, and a few quick words exchanged, scheduling a time and place: the gardens, where he's currently seated with a small basket of coffee berries and whatever gardening tools he could find. He waits, anxious over yet another uncertainty-- the thought that Akira might not come, that they might lose whatever progress they had made even after the werewolf incident. That choice meant little in the presence of fate.

And it's not until that moment that he realizes it, how much that prospect is one he absolutely dreads. ]

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...I know.

[He pauses for a moment in his troweling, looking down. Haru... he hopes she got home safely. Of course, things back home aren't good for her right now; but then, it's still better than being here.]

...She didn't know it yet, but she'll be okay. [He sits up a little straighter, and goes back to digging.] It'll take time, but she's strong.

[And he has to wonder what Akechi will say about it - her situation resulted from a murder he committed, after all.]

I understand losing a parent is a painful experience, but surely Okumura-san will face it with her customary grace. She has people by her side to offer her support, after all.

[ And that's about as much as he can say in honesty, without having to resort to fake pleasantries and concern that isn't actually there. As much as having witnessed Okumura's gruesome death had made an impact on him, as much as he can understand what it's like to be an orphan, he can't truly bring himself to regret his actions. He was a rotten man, not very different from Akechi's own father, willing to destroy lives for his own benefit; naturally, it was time he paid for those favors in full.

As for Haru... she'll be fine. Akechi made it through without help-- financial, emotional, no support whatsoever. Compared to him, poor little rich girl has it easy. ]

Regardless, her disappearance is just another reminder of the impermanent nature of this place. [ And that's his turn to pause his digging, idle gaze falling on damp soil. ] Whether they're acquaintances from home or people we have come to know in this town, there's no telling when we'll be seeing them last. I find that... disconcerting.

[ Well. Maybe more than disconcerting, because now he's thinking about the select few people he does care about. ]

[He nods in agreement. She certainly will, and she'll come out the other side stronger for it. Of course, he'd rather she not have had to go through it at all, and that's still one of the things that makes this relationship he's cultivating with Akechi... confusing.

He did that to Haru, and possibly to Futaba. Does he feel any remorse for it? Akira wishes he could ask, but for now he just has to listen in silence.

Akechi does have another point, after all.]

Mm. That's true. [Though in some ways, life is the same way, isn't it? He couldn't have known, that last time he saw Akechi, that they would never see each other again until...]

I wouldn't dwell on it too much, though. If you're always worrying, you can't just enjoy the moment with someone.

[ Life is the same way? He'd thought about that, but in the end, the conclusion he'd come to is that it wasn't quite the same. Cases of people disappearing without a trace are rare, whereas death was just final, solid and absolutely certain. There were no questions of whether or not he would see people again; there was only dealing with it, and moving on.

Not that he'd had any people to grieve over, to begin with. That required growing attachments to them.

That was exactly what made his life in Chroma so different. ]

It's hard not to. Especially so to someone like me.

[ Another bit of truth, concealed in a sigh and carefully selected words. It's easy to chalk this up to his nature as a detective, always logical and sensible, adamant about placing the pieces of the puzzle back together and finding the truth. That should be the one and only connection Akira would make. ]

I do try, of course, otherwise I couldn't lead any semblance of normal life in this place. But every time something new happens, something that throws everyone into danger... I can't help but let myself indulge in these musings. They do have been happening a lot more frequently as of late, too.

[ Well, maybe not more so than they had strange events when they first arrived, but they sure do seem to be affecting him harder for the past couple of months or so. Hmm. ]

[Are they happening more frequently? Or is it simply that Akechi has more people to care about now?

Akira leans back from the hole he's digging, and turns to look at Akechi more fully. So he really is worrying about all this... Maybe what happened to Akira, but also what happened to Caramia, and perhaps even others.

He really is growing a lot.]

Do you want to talk about it?

[ Akechi mirrors his move and also turns to face him in full, considering his words. He's still new to just talking about his concerns, and if he says there's no practical point to it, they'll engage right back into one of their circular conversations.

It's almost a tried and true routine by now: Akechi wants a tangible solution when there's none, Akira points out that sharing the burden is helpful, then refuses to do any talking of his own. It's far too one-sided, even when Akechi is the only one with troubles weighing him down.

And he knows this isn't the case right now, knows Akira has been dealing with a burden of his own. But is he willing to also do the sharing, this time? ]

Do you?

[ Though it may be a question, it holds a silent promise to it; Akechi will talk, as long as he's not the only one. ]

[Akira hesitates.

Normally, he would say no, he's here to listen; Akechi is the one voicing his concerns about people disappearing, after all. Whatever worries he may have, they're his to deal with. He can set them aside to help a friend.

But hasn't Akechi told him he doesn't agree with that? That he can't just listen to others without ever confiding in them, too. That's not how trust is built.

And he still isn't sure how much he buys into that, but finally, slowly, he nods.]

Yeah.

[If talking is how he'll get Akechi to talk, then he'll do it.]

[ There's a subtle arch to Akechi's eyebrows, but that's all the reaction he offers despite his considerable surprise. So Akira was willing to cooperate, huh? ]

Very well. Then we'll talk.

[ We, a solid compromise, a binding agreement that neither can step back from.

So he resumes his work, eyes back on the berries and the soil. It's easier to sort through his thoughts like this, engaging in menial tasks as the cogs in his brain work their way through words. ]

I noticed you were rather quiet during the rescue-- more so than usual, I mean. While I could understandably attribute that to exhaustion, you were far too ready to jump at the thought of grabbing a dagger and helping everyone else, so that could not have been the reason. And for the past couple of weeks since then, I haven't seen much activity from you, either.

[ Sure, around the forums, and it's a small town so everyone is always running into everyone at one point or another, but there's also Akira's would-be cafe, and how there hasn't been any progress made there lately.

(Has Akechi been there, several times since the rescue? Possibly. Had he been hoping to find Akira there and re-establish some semblance of normalcy? Maybe. But he's not about to reveal that much.) ]

My conclusion is that you, too, must have something that has been troubling you. Something connected to the incident with the sirens, perhaps?

[Had he been checking in on the cafe? He hadn't been coming by the house, so that can really be the only reason Akechi knows this. That, and Akira probably would have invited him to come help.

It makes him feel... warm, that Akechi was checking on him like that, as indirect as it might be. But he also feels... more than a little embarrassed.]

...It's mostly related to that. And the werewolf situation, before it.

[And before Akechi can get any wrong ideas, he quickly elaborates.]

Both times... I was overwhelmed by creatures from this place. [He looks down at his hands.] Both times, I was powerless to help anyone.

[He reaches up, runs a hand through his hair, not caring that it's a bit dirty.]

I just haven't felt like much of a leader.

[ There's a pause in his digging when the werewolf situation is mentioned, but then Akira clarifies what he means, and Akechi finds himself breathing a sigh of relief-- one he wasn't aware he had been holding.

The thing that was really troubling Akira... It wasn't easy, but something that could be worked on. Something that could be mended. ]

... I see.

[ He remembers a time not too long after the werewolf incident, when the two of them decided to take on a chimera quest on a whim, and how Akechi had all but made it clear he didn't trust Akira's leadership-- but after their quest had been completed, they had also agreed that Joker would keep on leading the Phantom Thieves as usual. Could it be that one time distrust from several weeks ago was still weighing him down?

... no, probably not. It would be too self-important of Akechi, to think Akira cared that much about his opinion. ]

If you don't mind my asking, why is it that you feel like you should be a leader in this place? Even with other members of the team in the town, it's not as though the Phantom Thieves have been operating under the usual MO, is it?

[ He really doesn't mean it as an insult (for once), he's just pointing out that exploring Palaces and changing hearts is currently impossible. ]

[On the contrary, it's in large part due to Akechi's opinions that he's arrived to this conclusion. The insistence that Akechi protect him, the berating over his inability to stay out of trouble... they've all weighed on his mind.

And that's not all. He remembers the chimera incident too, and even earlier then that, when they went out to fight harpies, and Akechi kept trying to weasel his way into the leadership role. At the time, he attributed it to Akechi's ego sneaking through, but now lately... maybe they all just already knew what Akira hadn't faced up to yet.]

...Does that matter?

[Not having Shadows to face or Palaces to explore... is that enough to completely change the dynamic?]

There are still people in this town who need direction, and protection. But instead of helping them, I'm the one that needs directing and protecting.

[He falls silent, but the unspoken words ring out. He's useless, isn't he?]

[ Hmm. Okay, so he kind of sees the problem here: Akira is still the usual dumb hero who wants to help everyone with little regard to his own well-being, and while Akechi doesn't really approve of it, he's come to accept it as immutable fact. But, in that case-- ]

Is this really about leadership, though?

[ Because, for one, Akira never stuck him as the type to have any personal attachment to his title; he was serious about the role, but not power hungry or overly proud. ]

You've made serious mistakes lately, it's true, but leaders aren't immune to them. Well-meaning though he may be, and considering his military experience on top of it, Guren-san has made far more severe mistakes, some of which have even cost lives, and yet his position as impromptu leader is still firmly established.

[ Well. Maybe not as firmly established, since Akechi has begin to question it, but that's also Akechi's own issues. It's hard to trust anyone but himself. ]

So, my question is, what is it that is truly bothering you? That you feel inadequate as a leader, or that you feel vulnerable at all?

[There's a subtle tensing of Akira's shoulders when Akechi mentions Guren's mistakes costing lives. Though he's admitted he still considers Guren family, the knowledge of the deaths on Guren's hands (more than just the ones here in Chroma) still weighs on him.

But that's not really the topic here today, and he's promised not to tell anyone, anyway, so he sets it aside for now.

Instead, he listens to Akechi's question, and now the tensing is less than subtle.]

...This isn't my first time being vulnerable.

[But maybe it's the first time someone has called him out on it.]

It's just that it never mattered as much, before.

[ Hah. So it is about vulnerability, after all.

Akechi can relate, on some level; he certainly doesn't like to feel vulnerable, physically or otherwise, and this place has toyed with his feelings and his weaknesses more than once before. But he has also learned his lesson the first time, learned not to trust these illusions no matter how tempting they might be, and that's maybe the difference between them; Akira has yet to master that art.

But, there's something else Akechi needs to understand, first. ]

Then, why does it matter so much now?

[Akira is slow to answer this one. There are a million things he could say here, some of them evasive, some of them half-true. But if he's going to open up to Akechi, he has to swallow his pride and say the truth, right?

So finally, he does.]

Because it keeps complicating things between you and me.

[Maybe even more than Akechi shooting him. Of course, the relationship between them hasn't been anything but complicated from the start, this is just a very different kind of complication than he's used to. This isn't antagonistic, it's... something else.]

I've never had anyone... call it out, like you have.

[ Complicating, huh...?

In a sense, Akechi has been used to this for a long time now; his feelings for Akira have always been complex, jumping from genuine interest and fondness to bitter jealously that's often mistaken for hate. Their time together in Chroma hasn't made it much better, either; they closer they grow, the angrier Akechi becomes that he's allowed himself to get attached to someone so... ordinary, without any notable traits to speak of. Someone so laughably weak that he's all but had to be babysat all this time. Worthless.

But then he remembers the laughter and the flirting, the times they talked about things no one else could understand-- and they could talk about so much more, if only Akechi didn't have to keep his powers a secret. The times he felt genuinely welcome, and wanted, and not just for his celebrity status or the assistance he could provide. The time they realized they were brought together by fate, but stayed together by choice.

He remembers, and ponders over memories and feelings. His attachment, he concludes, is perfectly justified. ]

... I see.

[ The words sound like so little, compared to everything in his mind. It's simple acknowledgement, and a real attempt at understanding. Just the first step into settling their differences. ]

I... understand I may have been too harsh on you lately. [ And that might be an understatement, especially considering his Pleasant Boy persona and the events that came to pass during the rescue. ] I never meant to hurt your pride, or to make you feel lesser for needing help. I know you're a capable individual, and your Persona powers are extraordinary. I also know your teammates would agree. But--

[ A pause, and by this point, the task they had originally set out to accomplish is all but forgotten, his eyes falling on the stationary trowel as the only reminder of their plans. ]

I suppose it is like I've told you before. Personally, I find that caring for you is... rather exhausting.

[ Personally, so Akira won't take it as a character flaw that needs to be corrected. Personally, so they can keep with the theme of being honest with each other.

Personally, because, to Akechi, caring for anyone at all is taxing. ]

Edited 2018-08-23 02:32 (UTC)

[Akira starts to say that he doesn't have to patronize him now, but as he listens to Akechi's words, and how he struggles to say them, he realizes this isn't patronizing. Akechi is being sincere, at least about what his friends would think.

But they aren't talking about his friends. They're talking about them. Akira and Akechi.

And so Akechi's feelings come out, and Akira leans back, considering. This isn't the first time he's let slip he might care for Akira, but there's something different this time. Something unsaid.]

...I'm glad you care for me at all. [He tries to smile, but it's more than a little tentative.] But... exhausting, huh...?

[He doesn't think Akechi is trying to be insulting, though. But he has to ask...]

Because I'm reckless? Or for other reasons?

[Is Akechi simply afraid to care?]

... Because it's weakness.

[ The words come out before he can realize, spoken as though out of reflex, and once his brain finally catches up with the fact, it's too late to take them back.

This isn't a truth he was quite prepared to divulge, but now he has to cover up for it. ]

All my life, I have mostly relied on logic and reason to get by. I always thought those were my greatest strengths, and I have learned to take quite some pride in them, especially as a detective. I face most problems I run into as another case to be solved.

[ That's... not entirely a lie, at least. He's learned to be cool and calculating, learned to find the patience required to execute his plans for revenge to their fullest potential. But it's never really come naturally to him.

Inside, he's always been fueled by burning hatred, resentment and rage. He's always been fueled by the worst that feelings had to offer. ]

In that same vein, for a detective to have personal investment in a case... that is a fatal mistake. Attachment clouds judgement, and affects behavior in ways that don't follow much rhyme or reason. You... saw the way I acted, during the rescue.

[ And that hadn't even been the first time, either. He remembers when Akira came back from death, and how he rushed to investigate everyone else who had also returned, how he conducted a decisively ruthless interrogation with Dextera, in ways that the ever professional detective prince would never do. Because he cared too much.

Panic, and overwhelming worry... Yet again, he was fueled by feelings. ]

I know there were other contributing factors at the time-- stress and sleep deprivation, a sense of urgency and even physical illness holding us all back, but the end result was the same.

[ A short pause for a breath, deep, as though gathering his courage before he finally turns to face Akira in full. ]

Logically, I shouldn't have channeled my frustrations onto you. But I did.

[ Whether as the Ace Detective or even his real self, Akechi does consciously realize that much of what he feels makes no sense-- that he shouldn't be angry at Akira for having been kidnapped, that he shouldn't hate him for having slightly better luck in life, that he was never the enemy, but just another victim instead. And yet, he still feels it all, as powerful and real as it is baseless.

Feelings, again and again. Treacherous little things, really. ]

I suppose that's what my issue is. [ A rueful laugh and a half shrug later, he continues. ] I can't seem to reconcile my emotions with what I rationally know is right and just.

[ He doesn't know how to find strength in bonds, because he's always been alone. Doesn't know how to find strength in good feelings, because he's never had any. ]

...I see.

[Just like Akechi before him, it feels like it's not enough, and yet he hopes the tone behind them carries sincerity as he gathers his thoughts. Akechi has just given him a lot to think about, and he has to process it before he responds.

He can't imagine what it's been doing to Akechi this whole time to have thoughts and feelings like this... and so he can start to understand, in part, why he's been acting this way.]

...You know, you're not just a detective. You're human, too. And still young.

[Akira knows that's a bit odd, coming from someone even younger, but he hopes Akechi hears him out.]

Sometimes feelings don't work out like you think they should. We get irrational, lost, frustrated... afraid.

[He grips his hand into a fist. He knows those feelings, too. But then he relaxes.]

But that's why I think... caring about people is a strength. It gives you something to focus on when things are hard. And when they care about you back, it gives you a soft place to land.

And sometimes, caring about people complicates things...

[He knows that well. Caring about his would-be murderer has certainly made things complicated, after all... but he thinks it's also helped.]

I just said caring about what you said about me complicated things, did I? [He shrugs.] We get frustrated, and we act irrationally, and we hurt each other. But... if I didn't care about anyone, it would be hard to keep going. If I didn't care about you, I would have missed out on good experiences with you.

[The flirting, the dancing, the camaraderie under the stars. He would have missed it all, and thinking about that makes his chest hurt.]

So I can hold on to those feelings when things are hard.

[And now, he smiles.]

So when you think about it like that, it does make logical sense after all, right?

[ Akechi listens to his exposition in silent, only nodding on occasion to acknowledge what's being said-- and it needs to be noted, this is the longest he has ever heard Akira talk. Usually he's more of the listener type, so that alone must mean this is important to him.

And in the end, it turns out to be just what he expected-- that Akira believes in the power of bonds and draws strength from them. They had talked about it before, of course, but this time it was different; this time, he gets to learn about the inner workings of that alleged source of power, the one that seems forever elusive to Akechi. And while he can't say that alone is enough to make it work for him, it sheds a bit of light where he previously saw none. It's a beginning, maybe.

He did always say talking to Akira could often change his perspective. Thesis and antithesis; even now, that still holds true. ]

So what you're saying is that, as long as the pros outbalance the cons, it's worth the trouble. It does make logical sense, when presented as such.

[ It's just hard to believe that Akechi could offer more good than otherwise. Nobody ever seemed to find any real good in him. ]

As Paracelsus would say, "the dose makes the poison." I imagine it must work similarly with feelings.

[ In the right amount, they are medicine, beneficial and welcome, and it would seem like Akira got the hang of that just fine; he cared, maybe a little too much, and even when the outcome didn't work in his favor, he could take comfort in all the good that had resulted from his bonds, and grow stronger from that. To him, feelings are a balm for the heart, and he knows just how much to take.

But Akechi? Akechi closes his eyes with a sigh, considers his options and his words, and when he opens them again, they're alight with resolution, a tentative but gentle smile playing on his lips. ]

Perhaps all I need is to adjust my dosage.

[ Perhaps he had been poisoning himself all along. ]

[Akira is indeed a listener, and so he listens quietly as Akechi speaks, and waits while he considers his words.

He doesn't know who Paracelsus is, but when Akechi smiles, and his eyes fill with light like that, Akira feels grateful to him and his words. Because maybe, just maybe, progress is being made here today.]

Maybe that's all.

[Though he hopes what Akechi means by that is that he plans to increase his dosage in a good way. The last thing he needs is to close himself off from these feelings, from caring and letting himself be cared for, again. He needs to feel things, if he's going to grow. If he's going to move past the dark place he's been for so long.]

I know it won't be easy... [Because it isn't.] But I meant what I said before. I'm here now.

[And he isn't going anywhere, not if he can help it. He's going to be here with Akechi through this. It'll be difficult, and he doubts what happened at the rescue was the last time Akechi will ever snap at him, but he's going to be patient. They're getting somewhere, and he's happy, and he hopes Akechi is too.]

[ He's here now, huh...? Akira has said that before, but somehow this feels different, like he means something else. It's almost as if he knew, that Akechi has been alone all this time. ]

I know. I'm happy that you are.

[ Happy... Well, that's not just a pleasant lie, either. He is happy to have Akira in his life, and glad for the good memories they have built together. And then there's everyone else, too-- Lupin, Caramia, and all the others he has grown fond of and come to care for, few though they might be. There's very little point in denying it now, how attached he's grown to them, how much he enjoys their company; they're something close to a family, perhaps not in the way Guren liked to tout the whole town as, but somehow more meaningful. They were people he could rely on.

But then there are the times when they're in danger, and the town has taken it as far as inflicting physical illness on everyone whose connections had been whisked away-- and even without that, just the constant worry and the trouble, the thought of losing them... That's the part he doesn't know how to deal with. The part where his emotions, chaotic and wild and ever so out of control, get the best of him, and cloud his judgement with despair.

Akira is just especially talented at reminding him of that. ]

But, I also feel like I can never be too sure how long that will last. You are painfully reckless, you see. That's part of what makes this so exhausting for me.

[ He's trying not to be so harsh again since they have established how much this affects Akira, but he can't bring himself to be quiet about it, either. And while they're being honest and open with each other, he might as well go ahead. ]

I don't mean to call you out, but I'm sure you realize you have been getting into a lot of trouble lately. And I understand you have your pride, so the idea of needing someone else to protect you is undesirable, but... That was the only solution I could find-- the only way to give myself some peace of mind.

[ Not that it worked very well, considering Akira went and got into trouble anyway, but that's beside the point at the moment. ]

I must admit, I'm not very good at delegating. I know it sounds arrogant, but I'm the type who would rather do the job myself, if it is to be done right. Especially so when it's important.

[ ... ah, that might be implying Akira is important, huh. ]

Edited 2018-08-24 03:56 (UTC)

[Akira knows he's reckless. He's always justified it by saying that it's what he needs to do, and there's a part of him that still believes that. After all, if he goes too far down that road, then everything from the past year will start to look like a mistake, won't it?

But during the werewolf attack, and the sirens... that was even more reckless than usual. He wandered from his group, got himself attacked, put himself in a vulnerable state... put Akechi in danger. He knows it's been worse here than ever before. Maybe it's because he's away from their world, where the rules are known to him by now.

He still doesn't know all the rules here.

So he understands what Akechi is saying about it being exhausting... but the more he thinks about it, the more it gets hung up in his mind. Why is it so exhausting? It could only be that exhausting if Akechi really, really cared for him.

Especially so when it's important..

The pieces are starting to fit into place. But still. He looks into Akechi's eyes, his head tilting to the side just a little. Instead of the apology for his mishaps that he meant to make, what comes out is...]

Am I really that important to you?

Edited 2018-08-24 04:31 (UTC)

[ Ah. So he did catch on to that, after all.

Akechi parts his lips to respond, but immediately closes them before any words can come out. What was he even going to say? Deny it? Is there even a point in trying, when he has already all but openly admitted as much?

Maybe there's a part of him that wishes he could still deny it to himself. But there's no point in that, either. ]

If you're looking for a measure, I'm afraid I cannot offer it to you.

[ A small compromise. He can at least deny the implications behind Akira's that, like he's a top priority or something of the sort. Can't let that get to his head. ]

But-- [ A deep breath. ] --as I've already said, you are someone I care about, more so than I would for a peer at work or a teammate. Someone I especially don't wish to see in danger, or hurt.

[ His gaze falls to the ground again, and he idly reaches for one of the coffee berries in the basket, stroking the surface with his thumb. Soft. ]

I know you're a capable fighter, but I wish you didn't have to fight at all. I wish I could protect your happiness.

[ He wishes Akira could spend his days running a cafe, making curry and small talk, and being a place of comfort for people. Wishes he would leave his Phantom Thief days behind, no more risking his freedom and his life. Wishes they would never have to stand on opposite sides again.

Wishes he could be part of that happiness, too. ]

So, I cannot tell you exactly how important that is. But--

[ He looks up, eyes seeking Akira's. ]

I would think it's important enough.

[Akira allows Akechi to meet his eyes, and if it's his happiness Akechi wants, he's certainly getting it. Akira's smile is small and light, but full of joy, though also a bit of uncertainty, still. Not because he doubts Akechi's words, but because there's something he still wonders...]

That's... what I want for you, too.

[He says it easily, watching Akechi's face carefully for his reaction.] You're strong, too. But I don't want you to have to fight, for me or anyone else. But... I'm also glad, that you think I'm important enough to fight for.

[Top priority or not, it still means a lot to be that important in Akechi's eyes. Akira is beyond happy to hear it.]

I... want to protect your happiness, too. I want to give you happiness.

[Now he looks away, almost shy.] But... I wonder...

[All the flirting, the offer for the kiss, the quiet, cozy moment under the stars. Was that all in Akira's head, or...]

Am I important... just as a friend?

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