awashlogs | [CLOSED] planting berries and growing feelings

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[CLOSED] planting berries and growing feelings

WHO: Akechi and Akira
WHERE: The gardens
WHEN: Late August
WHAT: Quest 20
WARNINGS: Feelings!!

[ His mask had slipped.

Not so much that it had jeopardized his disguise, but enough that anyone who had witnessed his blunder could find him not so pleasant anymore. Sure, there had been plenty of reasons that could reasonably justify it; his illness, the collective disappearance of people he cared about, stress from planning the rescue, even physical exhaustion from having overly relied on his powers-- any of those factors alone could have been enough to make a person snap, but combined? They could be taxing even on the strongest of souls.

But as much as he can take some small comfort from this knowledge, he doesn't want to settle for this. His affable and charismatic persona has become something of a crutch, the only thing that's tangible and safe in a myriad of uncertainties-- his plans, his sense of self, his feelings, very little had solid shape to him these days. These days, the only thing real in his life was a fake. So he'll latch on to it.

He then decides that he needs to make amends, and the best place to start would be with the one person who took the brunt of his rage. A message is sent, and a few quick words exchanged, scheduling a time and place: the gardens, where he's currently seated with a small basket of coffee berries and whatever gardening tools he could find. He waits, anxious over yet another uncertainty-- the thought that Akira might not come, that they might lose whatever progress they had made even after the werewolf incident. That choice meant little in the presence of fate.

And it's not until that moment that he realizes it, how much that prospect is one he absolutely dreads. ]

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[ He's here now, huh...? Akira has said that before, but somehow this feels different, like he means something else. It's almost as if he knew, that Akechi has been alone all this time. ]

I know. I'm happy that you are.

[ Happy... Well, that's not just a pleasant lie, either. He is happy to have Akira in his life, and glad for the good memories they have built together. And then there's everyone else, too-- Lupin, Caramia, and all the others he has grown fond of and come to care for, few though they might be. There's very little point in denying it now, how attached he's grown to them, how much he enjoys their company; they're something close to a family, perhaps not in the way Guren liked to tout the whole town as, but somehow more meaningful. They were people he could rely on.

But then there are the times when they're in danger, and the town has taken it as far as inflicting physical illness on everyone whose connections had been whisked away-- and even without that, just the constant worry and the trouble, the thought of losing them... That's the part he doesn't know how to deal with. The part where his emotions, chaotic and wild and ever so out of control, get the best of him, and cloud his judgement with despair.

Akira is just especially talented at reminding him of that. ]

But, I also feel like I can never be too sure how long that will last. You are painfully reckless, you see. That's part of what makes this so exhausting for me.

[ He's trying not to be so harsh again since they have established how much this affects Akira, but he can't bring himself to be quiet about it, either. And while they're being honest and open with each other, he might as well go ahead. ]

I don't mean to call you out, but I'm sure you realize you have been getting into a lot of trouble lately. And I understand you have your pride, so the idea of needing someone else to protect you is undesirable, but... That was the only solution I could find-- the only way to give myself some peace of mind.

[ Not that it worked very well, considering Akira went and got into trouble anyway, but that's beside the point at the moment. ]

I must admit, I'm not very good at delegating. I know it sounds arrogant, but I'm the type who would rather do the job myself, if it is to be done right. Especially so when it's important.

[ ... ah, that might be implying Akira is important, huh. ]

Edited 2018-08-24 03:56 (UTC)

[Akira knows he's reckless. He's always justified it by saying that it's what he needs to do, and there's a part of him that still believes that. After all, if he goes too far down that road, then everything from the past year will start to look like a mistake, won't it?

But during the werewolf attack, and the sirens... that was even more reckless than usual. He wandered from his group, got himself attacked, put himself in a vulnerable state... put Akechi in danger. He knows it's been worse here than ever before. Maybe it's because he's away from their world, where the rules are known to him by now.

He still doesn't know all the rules here.

So he understands what Akechi is saying about it being exhausting... but the more he thinks about it, the more it gets hung up in his mind. Why is it so exhausting? It could only be that exhausting if Akechi really, really cared for him.

Especially so when it's important..

The pieces are starting to fit into place. But still. He looks into Akechi's eyes, his head tilting to the side just a little. Instead of the apology for his mishaps that he meant to make, what comes out is...]

Am I really that important to you?

Edited 2018-08-24 04:31 (UTC)

[ Ah. So he did catch on to that, after all.

Akechi parts his lips to respond, but immediately closes them before any words can come out. What was he even going to say? Deny it? Is there even a point in trying, when he has already all but openly admitted as much?

Maybe there's a part of him that wishes he could still deny it to himself. But there's no point in that, either. ]

If you're looking for a measure, I'm afraid I cannot offer it to you.

[ A small compromise. He can at least deny the implications behind Akira's that, like he's a top priority or something of the sort. Can't let that get to his head. ]

But-- [ A deep breath. ] --as I've already said, you are someone I care about, more so than I would for a peer at work or a teammate. Someone I especially don't wish to see in danger, or hurt.

[ His gaze falls to the ground again, and he idly reaches for one of the coffee berries in the basket, stroking the surface with his thumb. Soft. ]

I know you're a capable fighter, but I wish you didn't have to fight at all. I wish I could protect your happiness.

[ He wishes Akira could spend his days running a cafe, making curry and small talk, and being a place of comfort for people. Wishes he would leave his Phantom Thief days behind, no more risking his freedom and his life. Wishes they would never have to stand on opposite sides again.

Wishes he could be part of that happiness, too. ]

So, I cannot tell you exactly how important that is. But--

[ He looks up, eyes seeking Akira's. ]

I would think it's important enough.

[Akira allows Akechi to meet his eyes, and if it's his happiness Akechi wants, he's certainly getting it. Akira's smile is small and light, but full of joy, though also a bit of uncertainty, still. Not because he doubts Akechi's words, but because there's something he still wonders...]

That's... what I want for you, too.

[He says it easily, watching Akechi's face carefully for his reaction.] You're strong, too. But I don't want you to have to fight, for me or anyone else. But... I'm also glad, that you think I'm important enough to fight for.

[Top priority or not, it still means a lot to be that important in Akechi's eyes. Akira is beyond happy to hear it.]

I... want to protect your happiness, too. I want to give you happiness.

[Now he looks away, almost shy.] But... I wonder...

[All the flirting, the offer for the kiss, the quiet, cozy moment under the stars. Was that all in Akira's head, or...]

Am I important... just as a friend?

[ Small though it may be, that smile is enough to send a jolt up his heart, and he immediately misses it when Akira looks away.

And then the question comes, and he really wishes Akira had just kept on smiling instead. ]

Just as a friend..?

[ It takes him a second to understand where that was even coming from, because Akira was always the type to value his friendships, and for someone like Akechi, calling anyone a friend at all was an enormous feat. So what could he be talking about...? ]

Well, you're no ordinary friend, certainly. [ He starts, tentative, offering as much as he can while he tries to figure out the real intent behind Akira's words. ] Although, to be honest, I can't say I'm entirely sure about the nature of our relationship. It's... fairly complicated, as you say.

[ A pause as he considers his next move. Of course, there's a lot that he can't say, about his role as a double (triple?) agent, his connection to Shido and the plans to betray the Phantom Thieves, but even without that, there's enough in there to throw off the delicate balance of whatever it was they had. ]

As a criminal and a detective, we started off on opposing sides as rivals, albeit as good acquaintances on our daily lives, then the circumstances changed and we became teammates. And then there was this place.

[ This place being the hardest part to put into words; they've grown closer, and that's exactly what makes it all the more complicated. ]

At times, I've felt like we could forget our troubles back home and be casual friends, having fun and enjoying our time together. Others, I've had to look out for you, almost like a caretaker. And sometimes... it seemed like something else entirely.

[ From silly flirting and nonchalant offers of kisses, to the times when it's felt like something much bigger-- the extended hand holding, his snapping and their following hug upon the rescue mission, and even just now, with the way Akechi's heart raced with a single smile and the thought that Akira wanted to make him happy... No, he's definitely not just a friend.

Alas, human relations are still beyond his comprehension; he's only just starting to understand all these bonds he's begun to cultivate. ]

I understand this isn't much of an answer, but...

[ (Or maybe he's known it for a long time, knows it even now, but fears to take that step without absolute certainty. Rejection is ever haunting.) ]

You're not just a friend. It's simply that our relationship is a mystery I have yet to solve.

[ This time, it's his turn to look away with a rueful smile. He's embarrassed, too, like a complete failure of a human being with no grasp of his own feeling, but with any luck, Akira will chalk it up to impostor syndrome.

For an Ace Detective, he's surely feeling exposed as the fraud that he truly is. ]

[Akira listens quietly; this is important, after all. But at the end... hmm. Seems Akechi still doesn't know exactly what he wants.]

A mystery, huh...

[Akira looks away, eyes landing on the trowel. He's quiet for a bit, considering his next move. He doesn't want to push anything, after all.]

...Take the time you need, to figure it out.

[Akira is still looking away, so maybe he can be forgiven, when his hand wanders aimlessly for a moment. But then it finds Akechi's own hand, and stays there, lightly over top of it.]

I think I already have my answer, though.

[ His eyes widen when he feels a hand over his, and Akechi spends a good long minute just staring at it, his mind scrambling for words. So Akira has his answer, huh? And that means...

... oh. As it turns out, Akechi wasn't wrong in his assumptions, it would seem. ]

... In that case, I'm sure I'll have mine soon. I can't as well let you beat me at that, can I?

[ While there's cocky confidence in his tone, it greatly contrasts with the way he flips his palm up and gives Akira's his trademark reassuring squeeze, shy and tentative, but firm, and longer than he normally would. It's never a rejection, but this time, perhaps it might be closer to acceptance than ever. ]

But, in the meantime-- [ Now he does let go, but under the excuse of picking his trowel back up. ] --I believe there is something else we need to figure out. Even though we've had this conversation now, I still would rather not have you so upset over my insistence that you need to be protected.

[ But he also has a feeling Akira won't stop being reckless, so this should probably be addressed now. ]

[The squeeze was nice. Hopeful, and reassuring. Akira feels a bit better; even if it's still up in the air, at least he knows he didn't just make a fool (hah!) of himself.

As though on cue, he also reaches for his trowel, and resumes his digging while Akechi speaks. Ah, this topic again; he can't say he's thrilled, but he's willing to hear him out.

Maybe I wouldn't be so upset if you would stop acting like I'm the only one that needs to be protected...

Mostly willing to hear him out.]

It's okay. I already know I can't stop you.

Just as I know I can't stop you from being reckless, but that isn't much of a solution to anything.

[ Because the way he sees it, he's just going to keep fretting and losing what little control he has over his emotions, and Akira will keep getting in trouble and moping when Akechi reprimands him, and then things will keep getting periodically awkward between them-- on top of this latest development and all the uncertainty still up in the air, that is.

He doesn't like that. He's far too practical and plan-oriented to like that.

(He also doesn't like how they always grow distant as a direct result from their arguments, but that doesn't need to be said right now. He's exposed enough as it is.) ]

I understand neither of us can change the way we feel, but there has to be a way to at least lessen the effects. Perhaps a compromise of some sort?

[ Maybe this is Akira's chance to speak out. Akechi, too, is mostly willing to listen. ]

A compromise...

[Akira has to take a moment, sorting out his thoughts as he quietly trowels holes for the berries. The key issues here are that Akechi needs to protect him, and needs him to not mope, but Akira also needs to feel some control over his pride, and his independence.

So what is the best solution here?]

The best I can think is... if something unexpected and sudden happens, then you're free to come find me, and I'll try to reach out to you if possible. But if it's something less sudden... a quest, or something like that... Just trust me, to call you when I need you.

[Maybe this is asking too much. Maybe Akechi can't trust him anymore, which is a bit funny, when Akira is talking to his would-be murderer...]

[ Akechi's grip on the trowel tightens, but that's all the indication he gives that he's not all that pleased with this arrangement. It's not much different from his original plan, to only act when these unexpected events happened, and trust Akira otherwise-- but then the sirens acted overnight, and Akira fell for them, and there was little he could have done to prevent it unless he had been keeping watch 24/7-- which Akira would definitely object to, even if it was feasible at all.

So this isn't much of a compromise, at least not one that can set him any more at ease about Akira's well-being. But-- ]

... Very well.

[ His eyes wander over again, to the basket filled with coffee berries. Soon enough, there will be a cafe to be run, open to the public and completely unpretentious. The perfect excuse. ]

I can't say for sure how well this will work, but I will try my best to trust your judgement.

[ But only because there is more than one way to keep checking on him. ]

[He's a bit surprised Akechi doesn't push back on that, and that makes him worry a little. There's no way he would give up easily; he must have other plans in mind.

But he chooses not to push his luck, instead nodding in agreement.]

Thanks.

[He goes back to working with the berries, but after a moment, he adds something else.]

You're still welcome as a VIP in my cafe, though.

[ Akechi realizes it might come off as odd that he doesn't try to argue back, but hopefully Akira will chalk it up to his attempts at making amends-- getting into another fight right now would be severely counterproductive, after all.

But then mentions the cafe, and he can't help but let a small smile form across his lips. This is beneficial to his plans, yes, but it also brings back fond memories from the first time they worked on the cafe together. ]

I'm happy to hear that.

[ Not just a pleasantry, either. ]

But, I haven't given you my contribution to the cafe's decoration yet. When are you planning to have it open?

In a week or two. The next round of quests will go up soon; maybe sometime after that.

[It's weird to plan things without a real calendar, so Akira hasn't set a specific date to be done by. Whenever he feels confident, he'll put out a message on the forum and see what happens.]

There's still some work to do. I found some good tables and barstools, but they need to be cleaned... Could stand a paint job, too.

A week or two... That will give me enough time to finish it, then.

[ To be honest, he hadn't really stopped working on his guestbook project all this time, but it was hard to make a lot of progress when it kept reminding him of Akira, and how things were, once again, strained between them. But that shouldn't be as much of an issue now. ]

I'm due for a supply run, so I could see if I can find any paints, and perhaps some more furniture.

[ A pause. ]

Well, assuming you do still want my help with that, of course.

[ Was it going to be awkward for him to be around Akechi, now that certain feelings had been exposed? Ah, so complicated... ]

[For Akira's part, he doesn't seem to think it's complicated at all.

Instead, he just nods, glancing over at Akechi from where he's busy troweling away.]

Of course.

[He thought he made it clear that Akechi is always welcome in the cafe no matter what, but then, things have been a bit weird between them.]

I could definitely use the help. And when I said you're welcome anytime... that still stands, too.

[Especially with these feelings. But even if Akechi rejects them, he'd still be happy to see him, as a friend.]

[ Akechi also shifts his gaze towards Akira, taking in his words and their meaning. Always welcome, huh...? That's quite the change, for the boy who no one ever wanted around.

Maybe it's all wishful thinking, maybe these feelings are only meant for a fake, but he can't help smiling at the idea, anyway. Whether this is real or not, he'll take it. ]

I'll try to keep that in mind.

[ That said, he focuses back on the task at hand, diligently troweling away and making a nice little bed for these berries. The smile is still there, though, a little less obvious, but still very much content. ]

So, there's cleaning and painting that we can do, but as for furniture... hmmm. I happen to know someone whose carpentry skills are remarkable. We could always employ her assistance to fix what we do already have.

A carpenter? Handy.

[He's curious about who that is, but so many people here have useful abilities and powers that it could be anyone.]

I don't know how much furniture we need... but I want to be able to fit several people comfortably.

[He wants this to be a gathering place, after all.]

There's still some buildings that haven't been raided, though.

[ Akechi nods in acknowledgement of Akira's wishes for the cafe, mentally browsing the area they were supposed to furnish. It's more spacious than Leblanc, though not by a whole lot, so-- ]

Considering how much room you have available, I believe about five tables should be good enough? And of course, however many bar stools we can find for added seats by the counter.

[ Those had always been his preferred seat, back home. There's never any need for tables or booths when you're always a party of one. ]

If we can find a couch somehow, it might be nice to place it by that back wall you suggested before. [ Y'know, the one where his giant-ass "A" was supposed to go. ] We probably won't find enough to set up booths, but having even just one could make for a especially relaxing spot.

Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

[He's some couches and love-seats around; they're old fashioned, usually with a patterned cloth on them, and some of them are pretty ratty, but at least they exist. They can always be fixed up.]

Five tables, a bunch of stools... a couch. Think we can have it all done by next month?

[The sooner the better.]

[ Next month? Akechi can't help but chuckle at Akira's eagerness. ]

Well, if you mean around the time new quests usually get posted, then I do believe it's possible.

[ It really is hard to plan a schedule without knowing the date; Akechi has been tracking the days since their arrival, but perhaps he really ought to start working on a rough calendar of some sort, even if only for personal reference. ]

We might have to really put our backs into it, though. Or perhaps find someone willing to help us with the grunt work.

[ It figures the one time Akechi actually misses having Ryuji around is when they need to carry heavy shit. ]

[He nods that that's what he means. He knows it can't be far off (the last batch was awhile ago, after all), but he still wants to aim for that time frame.]

We could probably post on the forum to find someone, but...

[He doesn't know. He kind of likes this time working with just Akechi, without anyone else around.

Maybe that's silly. It's certainly less productive.]

Well. We'll figure something out.

[ Akira's reticence doesn't slide by unnoticed, and Akechi takes his time to try and make sense out of it. As far as he remembers, Akira had been eager to get the cafe going by next month, so why wouldn't he want to get help?

Alas, the conclusion Akechi first comes to isn't all that accurate. ]

Well, if you're aiming for a big surprise, then we can always stick to schedule and open the cafe with whatever we have available, and then keep working on it at a later time. That way, nobody else will be in the know until the cafe has been made public.

[ And if Akira then decides he doesn't want outside help at all, well, he can have that, too. It can be their own thing. ]

[The conclusion isn't quite right, but it hits close enough that Akira doesn't try to correct him. After all, the real reason is a little embarrassing, and he's already pushed the limits of how much he's willing to show of his feelings at once.]

Yeah. A surprise.

[He's actually mentioned it to a person or two, but Akechi doesn't have to know.]

I think everyone will be understanding if it's not perfect right away.

[ There's... something slightly off about Akira's answer, and Akechi is under the impression he's not being entirely honest. But if not for making a surprise, then what could be his reason for not wanting to get more help?

Hmm. He'll have to figure that out later. ]

Yes, I agree. Anyone who has been in this town for any amount of time should know of our hardships, and appreciate all the effort that has been dedicated to this place.

[ A beat, and he looks over the basket again. He smiles. ]

Besides, the most important part of any cafe is not the furniture or decoration, but the actual coffee, itself. And even in the best Parisian cafes, I'm sure they don't have beans as freshly ground as these will be.

[CLOSED] planting berries and growing feelings

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