awashlogs | [CLOSED] planting berries and growing feelings

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[CLOSED] planting berries and growing feelings

WHO: Akechi and Akira
WHERE: The gardens
WHEN: Late August
WHAT: Quest 20
WARNINGS: Feelings!!

[ His mask had slipped.

Not so much that it had jeopardized his disguise, but enough that anyone who had witnessed his blunder could find him not so pleasant anymore. Sure, there had been plenty of reasons that could reasonably justify it; his illness, the collective disappearance of people he cared about, stress from planning the rescue, even physical exhaustion from having overly relied on his powers-- any of those factors alone could have been enough to make a person snap, but combined? They could be taxing even on the strongest of souls.

But as much as he can take some small comfort from this knowledge, he doesn't want to settle for this. His affable and charismatic persona has become something of a crutch, the only thing that's tangible and safe in a myriad of uncertainties-- his plans, his sense of self, his feelings, very little had solid shape to him these days. These days, the only thing real in his life was a fake. So he'll latch on to it.

He then decides that he needs to make amends, and the best place to start would be with the one person who took the brunt of his rage. A message is sent, and a few quick words exchanged, scheduling a time and place: the gardens, where he's currently seated with a small basket of coffee berries and whatever gardening tools he could find. He waits, anxious over yet another uncertainty-- the thought that Akira might not come, that they might lose whatever progress they had made even after the werewolf incident. That choice meant little in the presence of fate.

And it's not until that moment that he realizes it, how much that prospect is one he absolutely dreads. ]

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[ Hah. So it is about vulnerability, after all.

Akechi can relate, on some level; he certainly doesn't like to feel vulnerable, physically or otherwise, and this place has toyed with his feelings and his weaknesses more than once before. But he has also learned his lesson the first time, learned not to trust these illusions no matter how tempting they might be, and that's maybe the difference between them; Akira has yet to master that art.

But, there's something else Akechi needs to understand, first. ]

Then, why does it matter so much now?

[Akira is slow to answer this one. There are a million things he could say here, some of them evasive, some of them half-true. But if he's going to open up to Akechi, he has to swallow his pride and say the truth, right?

So finally, he does.]

Because it keeps complicating things between you and me.

[Maybe even more than Akechi shooting him. Of course, the relationship between them hasn't been anything but complicated from the start, this is just a very different kind of complication than he's used to. This isn't antagonistic, it's... something else.]

I've never had anyone... call it out, like you have.

[ Complicating, huh...?

In a sense, Akechi has been used to this for a long time now; his feelings for Akira have always been complex, jumping from genuine interest and fondness to bitter jealously that's often mistaken for hate. Their time together in Chroma hasn't made it much better, either; they closer they grow, the angrier Akechi becomes that he's allowed himself to get attached to someone so... ordinary, without any notable traits to speak of. Someone so laughably weak that he's all but had to be babysat all this time. Worthless.

But then he remembers the laughter and the flirting, the times they talked about things no one else could understand-- and they could talk about so much more, if only Akechi didn't have to keep his powers a secret. The times he felt genuinely welcome, and wanted, and not just for his celebrity status or the assistance he could provide. The time they realized they were brought together by fate, but stayed together by choice.

He remembers, and ponders over memories and feelings. His attachment, he concludes, is perfectly justified. ]

... I see.

[ The words sound like so little, compared to everything in his mind. It's simple acknowledgement, and a real attempt at understanding. Just the first step into settling their differences. ]

I... understand I may have been too harsh on you lately. [ And that might be an understatement, especially considering his Pleasant Boy persona and the events that came to pass during the rescue. ] I never meant to hurt your pride, or to make you feel lesser for needing help. I know you're a capable individual, and your Persona powers are extraordinary. I also know your teammates would agree. But--

[ A pause, and by this point, the task they had originally set out to accomplish is all but forgotten, his eyes falling on the stationary trowel as the only reminder of their plans. ]

I suppose it is like I've told you before. Personally, I find that caring for you is... rather exhausting.

[ Personally, so Akira won't take it as a character flaw that needs to be corrected. Personally, so they can keep with the theme of being honest with each other.

Personally, because, to Akechi, caring for anyone at all is taxing. ]

Edited 2018-08-23 02:32 (UTC)

[Akira starts to say that he doesn't have to patronize him now, but as he listens to Akechi's words, and how he struggles to say them, he realizes this isn't patronizing. Akechi is being sincere, at least about what his friends would think.

But they aren't talking about his friends. They're talking about them. Akira and Akechi.

And so Akechi's feelings come out, and Akira leans back, considering. This isn't the first time he's let slip he might care for Akira, but there's something different this time. Something unsaid.]

...I'm glad you care for me at all. [He tries to smile, but it's more than a little tentative.] But... exhausting, huh...?

[He doesn't think Akechi is trying to be insulting, though. But he has to ask...]

Because I'm reckless? Or for other reasons?

[Is Akechi simply afraid to care?]

... Because it's weakness.

[ The words come out before he can realize, spoken as though out of reflex, and once his brain finally catches up with the fact, it's too late to take them back.

This isn't a truth he was quite prepared to divulge, but now he has to cover up for it. ]

All my life, I have mostly relied on logic and reason to get by. I always thought those were my greatest strengths, and I have learned to take quite some pride in them, especially as a detective. I face most problems I run into as another case to be solved.

[ That's... not entirely a lie, at least. He's learned to be cool and calculating, learned to find the patience required to execute his plans for revenge to their fullest potential. But it's never really come naturally to him.

Inside, he's always been fueled by burning hatred, resentment and rage. He's always been fueled by the worst that feelings had to offer. ]

In that same vein, for a detective to have personal investment in a case... that is a fatal mistake. Attachment clouds judgement, and affects behavior in ways that don't follow much rhyme or reason. You... saw the way I acted, during the rescue.

[ And that hadn't even been the first time, either. He remembers when Akira came back from death, and how he rushed to investigate everyone else who had also returned, how he conducted a decisively ruthless interrogation with Dextera, in ways that the ever professional detective prince would never do. Because he cared too much.

Panic, and overwhelming worry... Yet again, he was fueled by feelings. ]

I know there were other contributing factors at the time-- stress and sleep deprivation, a sense of urgency and even physical illness holding us all back, but the end result was the same.

[ A short pause for a breath, deep, as though gathering his courage before he finally turns to face Akira in full. ]

Logically, I shouldn't have channeled my frustrations onto you. But I did.

[ Whether as the Ace Detective or even his real self, Akechi does consciously realize that much of what he feels makes no sense-- that he shouldn't be angry at Akira for having been kidnapped, that he shouldn't hate him for having slightly better luck in life, that he was never the enemy, but just another victim instead. And yet, he still feels it all, as powerful and real as it is baseless.

Feelings, again and again. Treacherous little things, really. ]

I suppose that's what my issue is. [ A rueful laugh and a half shrug later, he continues. ] I can't seem to reconcile my emotions with what I rationally know is right and just.

[ He doesn't know how to find strength in bonds, because he's always been alone. Doesn't know how to find strength in good feelings, because he's never had any. ]

...I see.

[Just like Akechi before him, it feels like it's not enough, and yet he hopes the tone behind them carries sincerity as he gathers his thoughts. Akechi has just given him a lot to think about, and he has to process it before he responds.

He can't imagine what it's been doing to Akechi this whole time to have thoughts and feelings like this... and so he can start to understand, in part, why he's been acting this way.]

...You know, you're not just a detective. You're human, too. And still young.

[Akira knows that's a bit odd, coming from someone even younger, but he hopes Akechi hears him out.]

Sometimes feelings don't work out like you think they should. We get irrational, lost, frustrated... afraid.

[He grips his hand into a fist. He knows those feelings, too. But then he relaxes.]

But that's why I think... caring about people is a strength. It gives you something to focus on when things are hard. And when they care about you back, it gives you a soft place to land.

And sometimes, caring about people complicates things...

[He knows that well. Caring about his would-be murderer has certainly made things complicated, after all... but he thinks it's also helped.]

I just said caring about what you said about me complicated things, did I? [He shrugs.] We get frustrated, and we act irrationally, and we hurt each other. But... if I didn't care about anyone, it would be hard to keep going. If I didn't care about you, I would have missed out on good experiences with you.

[The flirting, the dancing, the camaraderie under the stars. He would have missed it all, and thinking about that makes his chest hurt.]

So I can hold on to those feelings when things are hard.

[And now, he smiles.]

So when you think about it like that, it does make logical sense after all, right?

[ Akechi listens to his exposition in silent, only nodding on occasion to acknowledge what's being said-- and it needs to be noted, this is the longest he has ever heard Akira talk. Usually he's more of the listener type, so that alone must mean this is important to him.

And in the end, it turns out to be just what he expected-- that Akira believes in the power of bonds and draws strength from them. They had talked about it before, of course, but this time it was different; this time, he gets to learn about the inner workings of that alleged source of power, the one that seems forever elusive to Akechi. And while he can't say that alone is enough to make it work for him, it sheds a bit of light where he previously saw none. It's a beginning, maybe.

He did always say talking to Akira could often change his perspective. Thesis and antithesis; even now, that still holds true. ]

So what you're saying is that, as long as the pros outbalance the cons, it's worth the trouble. It does make logical sense, when presented as such.

[ It's just hard to believe that Akechi could offer more good than otherwise. Nobody ever seemed to find any real good in him. ]

As Paracelsus would say, "the dose makes the poison." I imagine it must work similarly with feelings.

[ In the right amount, they are medicine, beneficial and welcome, and it would seem like Akira got the hang of that just fine; he cared, maybe a little too much, and even when the outcome didn't work in his favor, he could take comfort in all the good that had resulted from his bonds, and grow stronger from that. To him, feelings are a balm for the heart, and he knows just how much to take.

But Akechi? Akechi closes his eyes with a sigh, considers his options and his words, and when he opens them again, they're alight with resolution, a tentative but gentle smile playing on his lips. ]

Perhaps all I need is to adjust my dosage.

[ Perhaps he had been poisoning himself all along. ]

[Akira is indeed a listener, and so he listens quietly as Akechi speaks, and waits while he considers his words.

He doesn't know who Paracelsus is, but when Akechi smiles, and his eyes fill with light like that, Akira feels grateful to him and his words. Because maybe, just maybe, progress is being made here today.]

Maybe that's all.

[Though he hopes what Akechi means by that is that he plans to increase his dosage in a good way. The last thing he needs is to close himself off from these feelings, from caring and letting himself be cared for, again. He needs to feel things, if he's going to grow. If he's going to move past the dark place he's been for so long.]

I know it won't be easy... [Because it isn't.] But I meant what I said before. I'm here now.

[And he isn't going anywhere, not if he can help it. He's going to be here with Akechi through this. It'll be difficult, and he doubts what happened at the rescue was the last time Akechi will ever snap at him, but he's going to be patient. They're getting somewhere, and he's happy, and he hopes Akechi is too.]

[ He's here now, huh...? Akira has said that before, but somehow this feels different, like he means something else. It's almost as if he knew, that Akechi has been alone all this time. ]

I know. I'm happy that you are.

[ Happy... Well, that's not just a pleasant lie, either. He is happy to have Akira in his life, and glad for the good memories they have built together. And then there's everyone else, too-- Lupin, Caramia, and all the others he has grown fond of and come to care for, few though they might be. There's very little point in denying it now, how attached he's grown to them, how much he enjoys their company; they're something close to a family, perhaps not in the way Guren liked to tout the whole town as, but somehow more meaningful. They were people he could rely on.

But then there are the times when they're in danger, and the town has taken it as far as inflicting physical illness on everyone whose connections had been whisked away-- and even without that, just the constant worry and the trouble, the thought of losing them... That's the part he doesn't know how to deal with. The part where his emotions, chaotic and wild and ever so out of control, get the best of him, and cloud his judgement with despair.

Akira is just especially talented at reminding him of that. ]

But, I also feel like I can never be too sure how long that will last. You are painfully reckless, you see. That's part of what makes this so exhausting for me.

[ He's trying not to be so harsh again since they have established how much this affects Akira, but he can't bring himself to be quiet about it, either. And while they're being honest and open with each other, he might as well go ahead. ]

I don't mean to call you out, but I'm sure you realize you have been getting into a lot of trouble lately. And I understand you have your pride, so the idea of needing someone else to protect you is undesirable, but... That was the only solution I could find-- the only way to give myself some peace of mind.

[ Not that it worked very well, considering Akira went and got into trouble anyway, but that's beside the point at the moment. ]

I must admit, I'm not very good at delegating. I know it sounds arrogant, but I'm the type who would rather do the job myself, if it is to be done right. Especially so when it's important.

[ ... ah, that might be implying Akira is important, huh. ]

Edited 2018-08-24 03:56 (UTC)

[Akira knows he's reckless. He's always justified it by saying that it's what he needs to do, and there's a part of him that still believes that. After all, if he goes too far down that road, then everything from the past year will start to look like a mistake, won't it?

But during the werewolf attack, and the sirens... that was even more reckless than usual. He wandered from his group, got himself attacked, put himself in a vulnerable state... put Akechi in danger. He knows it's been worse here than ever before. Maybe it's because he's away from their world, where the rules are known to him by now.

He still doesn't know all the rules here.

So he understands what Akechi is saying about it being exhausting... but the more he thinks about it, the more it gets hung up in his mind. Why is it so exhausting? It could only be that exhausting if Akechi really, really cared for him.

Especially so when it's important..

The pieces are starting to fit into place. But still. He looks into Akechi's eyes, his head tilting to the side just a little. Instead of the apology for his mishaps that he meant to make, what comes out is...]

Am I really that important to you?

Edited 2018-08-24 04:31 (UTC)

[ Ah. So he did catch on to that, after all.

Akechi parts his lips to respond, but immediately closes them before any words can come out. What was he even going to say? Deny it? Is there even a point in trying, when he has already all but openly admitted as much?

Maybe there's a part of him that wishes he could still deny it to himself. But there's no point in that, either. ]

If you're looking for a measure, I'm afraid I cannot offer it to you.

[ A small compromise. He can at least deny the implications behind Akira's that, like he's a top priority or something of the sort. Can't let that get to his head. ]

But-- [ A deep breath. ] --as I've already said, you are someone I care about, more so than I would for a peer at work or a teammate. Someone I especially don't wish to see in danger, or hurt.

[ His gaze falls to the ground again, and he idly reaches for one of the coffee berries in the basket, stroking the surface with his thumb. Soft. ]

I know you're a capable fighter, but I wish you didn't have to fight at all. I wish I could protect your happiness.

[ He wishes Akira could spend his days running a cafe, making curry and small talk, and being a place of comfort for people. Wishes he would leave his Phantom Thief days behind, no more risking his freedom and his life. Wishes they would never have to stand on opposite sides again.

Wishes he could be part of that happiness, too. ]

So, I cannot tell you exactly how important that is. But--

[ He looks up, eyes seeking Akira's. ]

I would think it's important enough.

[Akira allows Akechi to meet his eyes, and if it's his happiness Akechi wants, he's certainly getting it. Akira's smile is small and light, but full of joy, though also a bit of uncertainty, still. Not because he doubts Akechi's words, but because there's something he still wonders...]

That's... what I want for you, too.

[He says it easily, watching Akechi's face carefully for his reaction.] You're strong, too. But I don't want you to have to fight, for me or anyone else. But... I'm also glad, that you think I'm important enough to fight for.

[Top priority or not, it still means a lot to be that important in Akechi's eyes. Akira is beyond happy to hear it.]

I... want to protect your happiness, too. I want to give you happiness.

[Now he looks away, almost shy.] But... I wonder...

[All the flirting, the offer for the kiss, the quiet, cozy moment under the stars. Was that all in Akira's head, or...]

Am I important... just as a friend?

[ Small though it may be, that smile is enough to send a jolt up his heart, and he immediately misses it when Akira looks away.

And then the question comes, and he really wishes Akira had just kept on smiling instead. ]

Just as a friend..?

[ It takes him a second to understand where that was even coming from, because Akira was always the type to value his friendships, and for someone like Akechi, calling anyone a friend at all was an enormous feat. So what could he be talking about...? ]

Well, you're no ordinary friend, certainly. [ He starts, tentative, offering as much as he can while he tries to figure out the real intent behind Akira's words. ] Although, to be honest, I can't say I'm entirely sure about the nature of our relationship. It's... fairly complicated, as you say.

[ A pause as he considers his next move. Of course, there's a lot that he can't say, about his role as a double (triple?) agent, his connection to Shido and the plans to betray the Phantom Thieves, but even without that, there's enough in there to throw off the delicate balance of whatever it was they had. ]

As a criminal and a detective, we started off on opposing sides as rivals, albeit as good acquaintances on our daily lives, then the circumstances changed and we became teammates. And then there was this place.

[ This place being the hardest part to put into words; they've grown closer, and that's exactly what makes it all the more complicated. ]

At times, I've felt like we could forget our troubles back home and be casual friends, having fun and enjoying our time together. Others, I've had to look out for you, almost like a caretaker. And sometimes... it seemed like something else entirely.

[ From silly flirting and nonchalant offers of kisses, to the times when it's felt like something much bigger-- the extended hand holding, his snapping and their following hug upon the rescue mission, and even just now, with the way Akechi's heart raced with a single smile and the thought that Akira wanted to make him happy... No, he's definitely not just a friend.

Alas, human relations are still beyond his comprehension; he's only just starting to understand all these bonds he's begun to cultivate. ]

I understand this isn't much of an answer, but...

[ (Or maybe he's known it for a long time, knows it even now, but fears to take that step without absolute certainty. Rejection is ever haunting.) ]

You're not just a friend. It's simply that our relationship is a mystery I have yet to solve.

[ This time, it's his turn to look away with a rueful smile. He's embarrassed, too, like a complete failure of a human being with no grasp of his own feeling, but with any luck, Akira will chalk it up to impostor syndrome.

For an Ace Detective, he's surely feeling exposed as the fraud that he truly is. ]

[Akira listens quietly; this is important, after all. But at the end... hmm. Seems Akechi still doesn't know exactly what he wants.]

A mystery, huh...

[Akira looks away, eyes landing on the trowel. He's quiet for a bit, considering his next move. He doesn't want to push anything, after all.]

...Take the time you need, to figure it out.

[Akira is still looking away, so maybe he can be forgiven, when his hand wanders aimlessly for a moment. But then it finds Akechi's own hand, and stays there, lightly over top of it.]

I think I already have my answer, though.

[ His eyes widen when he feels a hand over his, and Akechi spends a good long minute just staring at it, his mind scrambling for words. So Akira has his answer, huh? And that means...

... oh. As it turns out, Akechi wasn't wrong in his assumptions, it would seem. ]

... In that case, I'm sure I'll have mine soon. I can't as well let you beat me at that, can I?

[ While there's cocky confidence in his tone, it greatly contrasts with the way he flips his palm up and gives Akira's his trademark reassuring squeeze, shy and tentative, but firm, and longer than he normally would. It's never a rejection, but this time, perhaps it might be closer to acceptance than ever. ]

But, in the meantime-- [ Now he does let go, but under the excuse of picking his trowel back up. ] --I believe there is something else we need to figure out. Even though we've had this conversation now, I still would rather not have you so upset over my insistence that you need to be protected.

[ But he also has a feeling Akira won't stop being reckless, so this should probably be addressed now. ]

[The squeeze was nice. Hopeful, and reassuring. Akira feels a bit better; even if it's still up in the air, at least he knows he didn't just make a fool (hah!) of himself.

As though on cue, he also reaches for his trowel, and resumes his digging while Akechi speaks. Ah, this topic again; he can't say he's thrilled, but he's willing to hear him out.

Maybe I wouldn't be so upset if you would stop acting like I'm the only one that needs to be protected...

Mostly willing to hear him out.]

It's okay. I already know I can't stop you.

Just as I know I can't stop you from being reckless, but that isn't much of a solution to anything.

[ Because the way he sees it, he's just going to keep fretting and losing what little control he has over his emotions, and Akira will keep getting in trouble and moping when Akechi reprimands him, and then things will keep getting periodically awkward between them-- on top of this latest development and all the uncertainty still up in the air, that is.

He doesn't like that. He's far too practical and plan-oriented to like that.

(He also doesn't like how they always grow distant as a direct result from their arguments, but that doesn't need to be said right now. He's exposed enough as it is.) ]

I understand neither of us can change the way we feel, but there has to be a way to at least lessen the effects. Perhaps a compromise of some sort?

[ Maybe this is Akira's chance to speak out. Akechi, too, is mostly willing to listen. ]

A compromise...

[Akira has to take a moment, sorting out his thoughts as he quietly trowels holes for the berries. The key issues here are that Akechi needs to protect him, and needs him to not mope, but Akira also needs to feel some control over his pride, and his independence.

So what is the best solution here?]

The best I can think is... if something unexpected and sudden happens, then you're free to come find me, and I'll try to reach out to you if possible. But if it's something less sudden... a quest, or something like that... Just trust me, to call you when I need you.

[Maybe this is asking too much. Maybe Akechi can't trust him anymore, which is a bit funny, when Akira is talking to his would-be murderer...]

[ Akechi's grip on the trowel tightens, but that's all the indication he gives that he's not all that pleased with this arrangement. It's not much different from his original plan, to only act when these unexpected events happened, and trust Akira otherwise-- but then the sirens acted overnight, and Akira fell for them, and there was little he could have done to prevent it unless he had been keeping watch 24/7-- which Akira would definitely object to, even if it was feasible at all.

So this isn't much of a compromise, at least not one that can set him any more at ease about Akira's well-being. But-- ]

... Very well.

[ His eyes wander over again, to the basket filled with coffee berries. Soon enough, there will be a cafe to be run, open to the public and completely unpretentious. The perfect excuse. ]

I can't say for sure how well this will work, but I will try my best to trust your judgement.

[ But only because there is more than one way to keep checking on him. ]

[He's a bit surprised Akechi doesn't push back on that, and that makes him worry a little. There's no way he would give up easily; he must have other plans in mind.

But he chooses not to push his luck, instead nodding in agreement.]

Thanks.

[He goes back to working with the berries, but after a moment, he adds something else.]

You're still welcome as a VIP in my cafe, though.

[ Akechi realizes it might come off as odd that he doesn't try to argue back, but hopefully Akira will chalk it up to his attempts at making amends-- getting into another fight right now would be severely counterproductive, after all.

But then mentions the cafe, and he can't help but let a small smile form across his lips. This is beneficial to his plans, yes, but it also brings back fond memories from the first time they worked on the cafe together. ]

I'm happy to hear that.

[ Not just a pleasantry, either. ]

But, I haven't given you my contribution to the cafe's decoration yet. When are you planning to have it open?

In a week or two. The next round of quests will go up soon; maybe sometime after that.

[It's weird to plan things without a real calendar, so Akira hasn't set a specific date to be done by. Whenever he feels confident, he'll put out a message on the forum and see what happens.]

There's still some work to do. I found some good tables and barstools, but they need to be cleaned... Could stand a paint job, too.

A week or two... That will give me enough time to finish it, then.

[ To be honest, he hadn't really stopped working on his guestbook project all this time, but it was hard to make a lot of progress when it kept reminding him of Akira, and how things were, once again, strained between them. But that shouldn't be as much of an issue now. ]

I'm due for a supply run, so I could see if I can find any paints, and perhaps some more furniture.

[ A pause. ]

Well, assuming you do still want my help with that, of course.

[ Was it going to be awkward for him to be around Akechi, now that certain feelings had been exposed? Ah, so complicated... ]

[For Akira's part, he doesn't seem to think it's complicated at all.

Instead, he just nods, glancing over at Akechi from where he's busy troweling away.]

Of course.

[He thought he made it clear that Akechi is always welcome in the cafe no matter what, but then, things have been a bit weird between them.]

I could definitely use the help. And when I said you're welcome anytime... that still stands, too.

[Especially with these feelings. But even if Akechi rejects them, he'd still be happy to see him, as a friend.]

[ Akechi also shifts his gaze towards Akira, taking in his words and their meaning. Always welcome, huh...? That's quite the change, for the boy who no one ever wanted around.

Maybe it's all wishful thinking, maybe these feelings are only meant for a fake, but he can't help smiling at the idea, anyway. Whether this is real or not, he'll take it. ]

I'll try to keep that in mind.

[ That said, he focuses back on the task at hand, diligently troweling away and making a nice little bed for these berries. The smile is still there, though, a little less obvious, but still very much content. ]

So, there's cleaning and painting that we can do, but as for furniture... hmmm. I happen to know someone whose carpentry skills are remarkable. We could always employ her assistance to fix what we do already have.

[CLOSED] planting berries and growing feelings

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