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welcome to my sexy castle

WHO: Maya, Lupin, Saber Nero
WHERE: The Castle
WHEN: Around 1/19 or 1/20?!
WHAT: Three enthusiastic heroes fight slimes in a dirty medieval bathroom for their friends.
WARNINGS: They are going to fall into a secret sex room at the end of this. thanks a lot, mods

[ Getting to the castle was actually the easy part. Lupin had some reservations about entering the forest with such small numbers, but he couldn't very well sit by while some of his friends were suffering, and he had a good amount of faith in his bond with Maya - not to mention the strength of Nero. All three of them were clever and competent, and had - as far as he knew - avoided getting pricked by any of the thorns. He had to imagine the answer to their problems lay somewhere in this castle, considering how the vines led to it. And so, mustering up all his knowledge of where some important items might be hidden in a typical castle layout (and of avoiding booby traps, and relying on his two much-stronger companions when trouble reared its ugly head), he eventually takes the group into a room deep within the castle that he's certain must be the treasury or the master bedroom. ]

... It's a bathroom? Seriously?

[ but it's not the treasury or the master bedroom. He wrinkles his nose in distaste at the unpleasant aroma wafting up out of the room, which looks like it hasn't been cleaned since the moment construction finished on this place. There's a mess of mysterious stains on the walls, the sink is filled with various brushes and old bottles and dried-on sediment, and there's a bathtub full to the brim with stagnant green water. A distressingly large spider hurries behind the toilet the moment light fills the room.

Ugh. ]

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Yes! Prepare yourselves!

[ Because things are going to get wet.

Without any of her earlier, diva-esque apprehension at going anywhere near the filthy bathwater, Nero takes "her" rusty bucket and dunks it into the water at an angle, then heaves it at Lupin's head, and thus the slime, which slowly dissolves. Maya unfortunately, is also not unscathed as some of the splashback lands on her as well. ]

[ Jesus this is the worst thing that's ever happened to him. In this moment, possibly worse than that time his thief dad died. He can't breathe, first of all, and can't really see, either, and his skin feels vaguely tingly in an unpleasant way being submersed in this monster, but the worst part is the knowledge that there is only one way he's getting out of this. Saber comes to his rescue before he's forced to dunk himself into that nasty water. It is mildly better than giving himself a bathtub swirly because he doesn't have to be submersed - but he's still got a horrible mixture of dissolving monster goo and fetid stankwater on his face at this moment.

Hurk. Well, he's not dead. He's not really thanking her for it either, though.

He wipes off his face as best he can with one hand, deftly batting away another slime in midair as it tries the same approach on him (it lands in the bathwater with a fearsome splash, sending more gross water everywhere, which is actually somewhat beneficial as far as the slime situation goes.)

[ Oddly enough, getting the splashback is both disgusting and strangely... helpful. Maya's cringing as water drips down her forehead, but for some strange reason, she also feels better than she has in days.

... Very odd, but not something she wants to think about right now. That larger splash just took out the closest wave of slimes oozing their way, and with gritted teeth, she's calling forth another icy blast of a Diamond Dust spell to take out the rest. It's going to get very cold, but.

Ah, well. ]

[ Poor Maya. Poor Lupin. Poor everyone. Everyone in this situation is quite unfortunate...would the slimes count? Absolutely not, to Nero. They brought this upon themselves by...sliming all over them.

Another slime, a rather large one at that, attempts to ooze onto her, and though she manages to dodge most of it, it plops right onto her bucket-holding arm and starts to ooze up it. With her superhuman strength, she attempts to wave the slime off of her arm (and bucket).

The feeling is, for lack of a better word, utterly grody, the way it wriggles and makes suctioning noises, and is it just her imagination, or are these slimes made of some of the same filthy liquid that inhabits this bathroom? It'd make sense, at least. But this thing also better not break the bucket!! That'd leave only Lupin's bucket... ]

This! Is! Disgusting! You, [ she means the slime ] I sentence you to a watery grave!

[ Truly the worst enemy she's had to face...from Knights of the Round Table, to Buddha, to homunculi, to Gilles' tentacle monsters, to all too many wyverns. ]

[ "Let's just get this over with" is what Lupin replies with - in his mind. In reality, he's afraid to open his mouth in case some gunk flies in. So he settles for jabbing the end of his cane straight through the slime attached to Saber's arm, trying to pull it off without touching it.

Maya's ice spells (and the increasingly slippery condition of the room) are making short work of the majority of the slimes, though. A few continue to drip down the walls, but if they touch the wet floor, they start melting away from the bottom up. A moist veneer of combination slime and grime is building up on the tiles... And something else. Lupin lets the floor distract him for just a brief moment, and it's not because it's ruining his shoes - it's because he swears he can see bits of it flaking off into the water, too, dispersing like wet cotton candy. ]

-- Hold on! Ladies, I don't think the floor is gonna --

[ last, is what he says, but it's more like laaaaaaast, because it rapidly loses structural integrity and falls apart beneath them, sending them plummeting into the space below. ]

L--?!

[ Well. She sure got far. Except then the floor is absolutely gone and Maya has nothing in her arsenal that will allow her to float, fly, or do anything to prevent any of them from crashing right through into a dimly-lit room.

Which she would investigate, but impact was not kind to her, so please give her a minute to lift herself off the floor first. ]

Aaaaaah?!

[ The floor gives way in the midst of the commotion, and as they crash through the floor (and the ceiling of their new destination), Nero falls flat on her face in the dimly-lit room. As if to add insult to injury, some of the bilgewater lands right on her outfit. She groans, and then picks herself up.

She is going to need a nice, hot, clean bath after this. Uuuuuuuuugh. ]

What...?

[ on the other hand, Lupin, naturally, lands just fine, his quick reflexes snapping into play and allowing him to roll right back up to a crouching position. Sometimes, being a master thief pays off. It doesn't change the fact that a bunch of water and half-melted slime entrails(?) lands on him, however. But at this point, what's a little more filth...

He can't quite make out where they are yet - he only gives the room the most cursory glance just to make sure they aren't in immediate danger before turning his attention to his companions. ]

Everyone okay?

Slightly dented, nothing broken...

[ Said with a groan, but she's eventually pushing herself up to wobble properly upright and look around. And, uh.

Hm. ]

... And very confused.

In body, yes. In dignity and soul...that is debatable.

[ Fending off slimes was indeed quite humiliating for someone like her. Nero squints into the dimness, and after getting back up on her feet, switches on her sword's flames, illuminating the area more. Said area is a secret room indeed, with a rather large and comfortably plush bed, a table, and shelves. Many, many shelves, filled with all sorts of scandalous objects. ]

Oh!

We're all about the same, then...

[ Lupin sighs, grumbling, as he pulls himself to his feet. His socks are soggy, and now he's going to have to walk all the way back home like this, which is possibly a worse punishment then getting a slime to the head. He starts glancing around, but can't make anything out until Nero fires up her sword - at which point he also lets out a rather strangled "oh."

Now, he's no prude, but even he has limits. This is not a place he wants to hang around in with two female friends. He quickly averts his eyes before they can linger in bewilderment on an impressively large and veiny-- ]

Not -- what I was expecting. [ his cheeks are more than a little red, despite his efforts, and he turns away, looking for the doorway out instead of for a cure. ] Let's hurry up and get out of here.

Hold on a second, Lupin!

[ And Maya is indeed reaching out to grasp his sleeve. Is she absolutely embarrassed? Yes, but she is doing her best to shove it down because she is an adult and they're on a very important mission! ]

We've still got to find a cure, don't we? There's probably something... helpful... here? Maybe?

[ You could stand to sound more convinced, Maya. ]

[ Meanwhile, on the completely different other end of the awkwardness spectrum, leaving her sword stabbed into where it is so the light source is unmoving, Nero bounds over to one of the tables, examining everything on it. Paying apparently little mind to the awkwardness in the atmosphere (or rather, it doesn't register as awkward for her at all), she squints at one of the jars. The label is too worn to tell any particular brand, but Nero picks up enough to read... ]

...A water-soluble gel. I see, I see. So that's what modern humans use.

[ She nods to herself. ]

What could there possibly -- don't touch that, Miss Saber, [ he interrupts himself to call over to her in a bit of a hurry, even though she sounds like she knows what she's looking at... all the more reason she shouldn't be touching it?! In any case, he at least turns to face Maya while they talk, because he's not a total coward. ] Anyway, you really think there'll be a cure in here? I don't think any medicine this room has would cure the sort of ailment we're dealing with.

[ he looks mortified, but also kind of annoyed... this situation is now even more gross. ]

Much as I actually hate to say it, for many reasons...

I'm pretty sure I caught what was going around. I was having a hard time just walking before we got to that bathroom, but as soon as I was splashed, I felt about ten times better.

[ Which she's grimacing at. ]

And I don't think that water was particularly medicinal, so maybe it's got something to do with the castle itself.

[ She does perk up at Maya's speculation. If it's being spoken from experience, then it might be quite a lead. ]

Perhaps it does! The curative properties of the castle may extend to the belongings in it. Maya, if your symptoms have yet to completely disappear, try to touch something else in this room and see if you feel any changes.

[ And for Nero and Lupin, well, there's no harm in taking something from here back to the town with them? Right???? ]

[ it's not exactly logical, from his point of view - wouldn't that mean the water from the castle had the cure in it? Maybe? - but if he follows her line of logic, he arrives at a conclusion that he doesn't particularly like. Saber's suggestion is, thankfully, innocent enough, but he's still drawing a hand down his face with a sigh, embarrassed. ]

You're not seriously implying that we'll need to... [ use the items in the room, is the implication, but he doesn't want to say that out loud?? In front of two nice women?? This feels like the beginning to some truly wretched pornography. ] -- No, no way. This is silly.

We've dealt with sillier.

... Um, but I'm not sure I want to actually touch anything here... maybe a pillow?

[ That's... the safest thing here, isn't it? ]

[ Then again... ]

Hm, the pillows may not have been washed in some time.

[ Isn't the bed the most suspect area in this place, if they're worried about things being "safe"??? Something about sweat.

Nero picks up a small container from the table, blows whatever dust might have been on it, and squints at the incredibly worn label. Not satisfied with that, she pops open the cap, revealing— ]

What about this scented candle?

[ It seems unburnt, at least, though it is certainly a garish red with heart-shaped patterns melded/dyed into it. And smells faintly of ~~elderberries~~ roses... ]

Have we?

[ he doesn't think so!!! he'll go back to the laser bears with crab claws over this, thank you!! Lupin watches with some trepidation as Saber actually opens something she found in here (she is truly brave), then sighs with relief when it's just a candle. That's harmless out of this context. ]

That... might work. Maya?

Do you think I'm supposed to sniff it or light it?

[ It's safe enough, thankfully (she hopes), so she steps closer to Saber and sniffs experimentally. Really waxy flower scent, but okay. That's not as bad as she'd thought. ]

Try lighting it.

[ She's already sniffed it anyway. Nero makes a gesture over to her flaming sword. At least they've already got a fire going. ]

[ they're so... okay with all of this. Is he the only one that's embarrassed? That's embarrassing in and of itself. Lupin shuffles uncomfortably while they crowd around the candle, staying put where he is and trying to find some spot in the room he can look at that isn't occupied by groinal paraphernalia. (Some of this stuff... definitely can't fit inside a human being. Can it? No, he doesn't want to know...) ]

[ Poor Lupin. Hopefully they'll be done here soon, but for now, it's easy enough for Maya to direct her focus entirely on the candle and hold it close enough to Nero's sword to light it.

It sure smells like waxy roses. ]

... I do feel better.

[ She sounds so baffled. ]

[ Nero is also kind of baffled, but her confusion quickly gives way to excitement! They were right! Maybe it is anything from the castle that possesses curative powers! Including all sorts of doodads from this room! ]

Wonderful! Our hypotheses were correct!

[ Great! Awesome!! Time to leave!!!!! ]

Seriously...?

[ why. Well, it could be worse... ]

I may be a thief, but I don't want anything here in my pockets.

If it helps... well, there's got to be things we can carry with us. Properly.

At least now we know how to help everyone.

[ WITH SEX TOYS. ]

Yes! A cure, as unorthodox as it may seem.

[ Nero points to the...blanket on that very plush bed, seemingly undeterred from the subject matter at all. ]

We can fashion a bag from that, or the sheets, or the pillowcases...fabric is quite versatile.

[ Granted, she's not sure how...clean said fabric is, but...surely there's got to be a spot or two that they can just hold onto as the opening. ]

... Wait.

[ that's not what he meant, exactly... he was expecting to steal something cool from this castle, not this - this isn't stuff he'd ever even think of stealing. But. With a heavy sigh, Lupin approaches the two of them. ]

I've... got a bag. I can carry some. Only some. We're not taking the whole bookcase of -- stuff.

[ don't make him put a dildo in his loot bag please ]

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welcome to my sexy castle

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