awashlogs | Event Seventeen.

[ She listens patiently to him, attentively, because she's discovered by now that his words are more guiding than not, spoken as calmly as any professor would during a lecture. ]

You'll be glad to hear, then, that the sword is currently being kept safe... sealed, and away from the world. [ Where, hopefully, no one can find it. Except she can't tell him that it's been five hundred years of being sealed already, and she definitely wouldn't be able to tell him if the world has changed in that time, if her legend has remained or faded, or if humanity's view of the blade has shifted at all. ]

...Maybe things will change, if it is left there to rest long enough instead of being destroyed. [ She'll give him that much, and... it's nice to hope for at least. She can do that.

It will be lonely though, to be kept sealed even longer until she completely fades from the peripheries of history. Being forgotten is the same as not existing at all. ] Maybe, after... who knows how long, the people of the future will find it, and they won't fear it any longer, fight with it, or over it...

It is?!

[ He does look actually quite happy to hear that the sword is not destroyed! A little unfortunate that it's somewhere no one can see it, but I guess that's better than where anyone can cause trouble! Right, right! An item like that -- it's a sin and a curse for it to not be around!! Where exactly do people think god-tier items come from? The air!?

... I think in this case, that might be the case. But it isn't like there are so many that they should just destroy one!! Think of the consequences! Breathing out a small sigh of relief, he nods as he agrees that he thinks things will change and for the better. ]

I believe that will be the case. All myths change a little as the years go on. If the people that sealed it are smart, they will change it to a better story. And little by little, good will bleed its way in. So, when the weapon is finally found in the future, perhaps, no one will even recognize it.

[ A small nod. ] And so, it will be treasured as simply being found. [ Rare swords like that definitely would go into a museum!! ]

[ Good will bleed its way in.

The good people that might believe in a legend of a holy blade? The good people that might salvage her from the bottom of the cloud-sea to put in some museum--? There is a saying in her world, that the next war involving her won't be fought with her, but over her. He sounds awfully idealistic to think that a legend of a terrible weapon will slowly change into a good one over time, that no one might want to use its power ever again...

But it's a nice enough fantasy that he presents, she supposes, to have... even if it's just a fantasy. She's grateful for him giving her some hope, something to think about. Her heart doesn't feel as heavy at least, to believe in a better future...

Ah. She had almost forgotten what hope felt like. ] Your disciple... [ She muses, linking this back to an earlier topic. ] What do you think he'd do with a sword like that? He wouldn't fear it either, I take it.

[ Ugh, do I have to say? If the sword can see the future, if it can see it and change what is to happen, the only way to do that is-- ]

He would [ His eyes widen before softening in apology. I've been talking a lot about god-tier weapons and how there's no reason to fear it, but. ] fear it. Not the sword itself, but the future. If the future is that I am to push him down and bring him ... years of suffering in doing so... if that is his future, he may come to think that I must die before it happens.

[ A small sigh. ] I think that would scare him. I know it would scare him. [ His head lightly shakes. ] Yet I would bear him no ill. I would rather he knew the future and knew all of his choices. [ I would still like to live, though! I would still like to! But if the protagonist decides a person needs to die, that's just what is going to happen. ]

[ ......................................Oh. ]

[ --That was quite the slip of her expression just then, as if he just said something that would take away her color all over again. Oh, yes, it's a metaphorical sword they're talking about that can predict the future now, since obviously they aren't from the same worlds. But it's hard not to picture her as being the one being handed off to someone to-- to basically be used against Shen Qingqiu. ]

You... still think he would choose to kill you? [ She asks cautiously, regaining her bearings. ]

Yet you'd give him the sword?

[ If he doesn't, he's an idiot! A fucking idiot! The person that has watched over him for years is going to be the one to cause him nothing but suffering! If he doesn't do something about it, all the readers are going to clamor and scream for justice!! ]

[ After all his suffering, after all his pain, he finally thought he got a fucking break. And he finds out that his precious Shizun is the one that's going to cause him the most heartbreak?! Are you kidding me! If he doesn't kill me--!! ]

[ I still want to live. I still want to do that! I still want it! ]

[ “Shizun, you really want to kill me?” ]

[ The silence lasts for just a few seconds. Just a few seconds of his mind going and going -- he closes his eyes.

And he opens them to stare at her, calmly, evenly. ]

Yes, I would give him the sword.

[ He breathes out and steps back. ]

But this is quite sad talk and there are books to look for, ah? [ He lifts his words at the end, like he is making a joke. His head gives a small tilt as he attempts a slight smile. The smile fades as he turns back toward the shelves. ]

[ It's like looking into a mirror, the resignation in his eyes is so familiar to her.

Ah, what good is a sword that can't save those she cares about? Or for all of its supposed abilities, not be able to right a wrong, prevent a tragedy, to protect? If his discipe is just going to kill him anyway, it doesn't matter if the sword exists or not in the first place. Yes indeed, this conversation has taken quite a sad, sudden turn, undoing all that had come before it.

How can he smile when he says that, too? Does he expect her to just go browsing back to books after telling her that?

So just as he turns back to the shelves she reaches for-- the sleeve of his robes, and just... Was she about to say something? She was about to say something, but maybe it doesn't matter what she says either, just like it doesn't matter what she is or who wields her or if she's actually here or not.

But in this moment, she.... yes, she wants to be here, right here, to hold onto his sleeve as he's turned away, because she knows that he might not be here within any given moment.

Because holding onto that person's sleeve as he turned away for the last time was something she never was able to do, and then? And then he was gone. ] ....Don't.

[ He pauses when she grabs onto his sleeve just as he is about to look through the books. His head slightly turns to look back to her in question. Pyra, this is really depressing talk, isn't it? It's okay! This old man is just having a senior moment. This is your chance to just skip and delete everything I said just now, too!!

Shen Qingqiu steadies his expression. I basically said I was okay with dying! I basically said that! Anyone who hears something like that is bound to get nervous and not want to keep doing what we were doing! I get it! I get it! I'm absolutely the one in the wrong! His prediction that he is going to be thought of as nothing but a negative loser comes back to haunt him.

I really should make it up to her! I really did just step all over the feelings of someone who has been nothing but a fucking saint to me! ]

This teacher is all right. I am all right, Pyra. [ He decides not to smile at her as he feels like that would be just another knife in her gut. When someone smiles as they say that, it's definitely like trying to laugh off the pain! ] My disciple is smarter than I am and so I missed in saying that he would most likely come up with a better answer than what I could have come up with.

Sorry. That was my mistake. [ See? It's all good. ]

[ Maybe it's a good thing that he doesn't turn around completely, because her eyes are misting.

What was the promise that they made, again? That they would look after each other? He's setting her up to fail that promise, if he's accepting his death from someone else.

She says quietly: ] You're... cruel. [ Her grip slackens, but she doesn't let go completely. ] Agreeing to a promise to protect each other, when you've already submitted your life to his hands. [ It's unfair.

But she's quite the hypocrite. ] If he appeared here, would you have me stand down?

[ I didn't avoid shit!

He didn't avoid cutting her deep and he did not avoid taking damage from her own response. Clenching his fist, he wonders if he could keep looking at the books instead of however she does right now. I really am scum. Steeling his resolve, he turns to face her completely.

Honestly, if he appeared here, you would stand down on your own. You'd be added to his harem in nothing flat and so, I don't even mind being betrayed. Though, I kind of hope it will happen where I won't see it?? If he is cruel, he is cruel.

So he offers a half-smile -- smiling and speaking easily when the person he is looking at appears near tears. Yes, that's exactly what a villain does. ]

I wouldn't do that to you. [ A beat. ] ... I would not take your choices away.

[ Her hand falls lower from his sleeve as he turns, and she withdraws into herself for a few seconds. Those words, that smile-- it's like she's lost him already. Why, why? Why is it that so many good perish? Why is it that she only loses those she cares about?

She doesn't want to lose them, she's had enough of that loss, she's only wanted them to live, to live and be happy and endure and thrive the best that they can in a fragile, dying world. And she wants that for him, for this immortal man who has lived and probably already has had his fair share of happiness as well, but she doesn't want to see him gone any sooner than whatever magic allows him to remain. This man standing before her has disciples that adore him, probably has ordinary people that worship him, and he surely must have had parents at one point, a mother who cherished him, a father that raised him, and knowing that he must be important to all of these people and more, knowing that if he throws his life away might pain so many others... She doesn't want to accept it.

I would not take your choices away.

What choice? If he knew what she was, he's already said what he'd do: he'd give her away to the person who would kill him, he'd let it happen. She would feel his blood on the edge of her blade, she would feel it boil away into oblivion, and then he would be no more. Ah, and he would probably be satisfied with that end, wearing that same smile that he's wearing right now, accepting of it all. This isn't the sort of expression that suits him.

Overcome, the hand that had been upon his sleeve quickly goes to his wrist, and then it's but a tug and a swift step forward to take him into an embrace. He's quite a bit taller than her so pulling him down to her level might make him stoop a bit, but it's going to happen either way. This isn't the kind of embrace between friends, as it's almost motherly with how she holds him to her shoulder, a hand going to the back of his head. ]

....I... don't want to lose you. [ She tells him quietly, and yes there are tears at this point, as quiet and soft as her voice. ]

[ Shen Qingqiu braces himself under her silent reply.

He thinks this will be the tipping point where Pyra finally lets him have it. So he metaphorically toughens his face to prepare to be slapped, and steadies his insides as he prepares to be screamed at for being the worst person that she has ever met. See? Thinking all those things about me!! I don't know how you got all those ideas, but really, really!! I didn't mean to let you down so hard and so fast! I was sure the revelation wouldn't come for a long time! The blackening of his reputation, he can almost feel it!

Only what she does honestly surprises him. He doesn't resist being pulled into the sudden hug as he had been prepared to not resist being struck in the face -- fist or slap, it didn't matter now that he thought about it!! Huh? HUH! Hello? His entire body stills as he is held, as he is leaning slightly to rest his head on her shoulder and her hand against his head.

His lips press together a little at her words -- quiet and filled with pain. Shen Qingqiu really hates that this library is so incredibly dusty! When was the last time anyone came to this place? He should complain to the maid service. If it has time to make all those traps, then there should be an automatic service to get rid of the dust. Which to say, his eyes feel wet and if he closes his eyes, he's certain that some tears will fall.

Really, how much of a saint do you think I am when I make you cry? But he doesn't quite trust himself to say anything. It's the dust in the library! If he says something now, it'll sound like his words are all choked up. He can feel how his throat is contracting and he just knows it'll make more misunderstandings. So he is quiet as he loosely wraps his arms around her. There, there. I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry. ]

[ Has he ever has a girl cry over him?

He is more than just a single person that she cares for: he represents the qualities and virtues of all that she has seen and cared for in others up until this point. There is a goodness and wisdom within him that she's seen only in one other in her life. A goodness that appeared, that lived, that vanished. Maybe she's projecting something on to him, confusing him with what she wants to believe is still there and still can be found within the world.

His benevolence and kindness is a gift to the world. And with the world being such a fragile, breakable thing, it cannot afford to lose one more source of that goodness. So to hear that he would let someone put an end to him, when he can do so much more--

Why?

She's often wondered if the bell tolling in one of her deepest memories is what qualifies as her heart. And if it truly is, it feels as if it's breaking. It's just too sad, to know that when the world has so few good people, they are the ones whose flames extinguish all too quickly.

We reject this fate of his, a voice reassures her, tired and quiet, and then it's gone.

She's surprised that he responds to the embrace by bringing his arms around her, and it only makes her hand upon his back tightens in response. He's trying to be comforting, she supposes, but he's still... ] Is there... [ Her breath is a shudder. ] Is there nothing out there, that would convince you to not give up?

[ It's as if he's already thrown away the sword, or more like, he's already positioned its tip to his gut. ]

[ Shen Qingqiu has only gotten very close to making one of his disciples cry. Poor Ning Yingying. She happened to catch him having a senior moment just like Pyra is catching him now! The upset in her heart was enough for tears to turn her eyes into water, and he remembers rushing to console her to prevent those tears from forming to something that could actually spill!!

Yet in this, I'm actually quite slow. I was slow to console someone who has tears in their eyes over me. I should feel so much shame in my heart that I could die. His heart feels like it's being crushed in a vice grip. He finally closes his eyes as he feels some of that damned dust-induced tears drip down. Misunderstandings! It's going to be misunderstood.

He gently places his hands on her shoulders. It gives him a second so that he can discretely -- though, how discrete can a person be when they're so close to someone else -- to rub his face against his sleeve to give it a quick clean. Clearing his throat, he once more steadies himself as he feels his heart crashing and breaking at such a simple question.

I haven't given up! I haven't! I want to live! I promise you that! I want to live more than anyone! I'm taking medicine! I'm kissing a man to avoid turning into a frog with my frog-bro! I've promised to watch over Berkut! I've promised to be at your side and protect you! I'm being a teacher to someone who wants a disciple even though-- even though --!! I'm doing all these things! I haven't given up! I haven't!

Hearing it so clearly, he denies it. He denies that he's given up everything, even though just a few minutes ago he willingly would give all these things away to make up for the pain he caused. Even though, he willingly gave up his chance to tell anyone about his transmigrated state and live a much more peaceful life under people who understood his struggling. He's worked like a dog and horse and cow for an ungrateful farmer!! He doesn't even get to reap the rewards that he worked for, and barely gets any luck sent his way!

But I haven't given up! ]

I am still here. If this teacher did not have any fight in him, did you think he would be working so hard now?

[ When he places his hands on either of her shoulders after the embrace ends, hers in turn withdraw from him. She looks up at him, still tearful, still sorrowful, but she's searching his expression for any ounce of hope she might find within it... and is surprised when she finds that she seems more emotion within them than ususal. Yes, he's told her that he's not perfect even if she's all but placed him upon a pedestal, but to see it, to hear it from himself that he has this weakness is...

It's actually reassuring in its own way. It shows that he may grow, that he is malleable, and with that growth he might change. It hard to believe his words, however, when just moments ago it's as if he's already decided to let himself be killed.

Ah, ...maybe that's it. He's thinking of the disciple he wronged and only him. Maybe it goes back to the initial promise he had tried to make her agree to: to think of herself. Maybe he's the one that should be the one to follow his own teachings. ]

....Are you fighting for yourself though?

[ She asks him, gazing at him. Her hand reaches out, this time going to rest upon his chest, fingers gently pressing into the fabric of his robes right over his heart-- still beating, still alive. Yet so vulnerable despite his immortality, protected by only a cage of rib bones. It's always struck her as unfair, how fragile the body can be. His disciple's sword-- whatever sword he uses-- would cut right through there, she's sure. Right where it may twist through him as cruelly as he can. ]

[ The corners of his lips turn down before he smiles.

Of course, of course!! All of this is to boost my reptuation! That's right! It's to boost how people think about me! I obviously have you fooled since you think I'm a saint! So, obviously, I'm working very hard for myself. I complained just now about getting no rewards, but I am getting the reward of being thought of so highly. ]

Of course, I am not so big-hearted that I would do things without any benefit to myself.

[ He breathes in to steady himself, eyes still a little red (from the moldy and poorly maintained library). Right, he should say things -- wait, if he says things clearly won't that ruin his reputation that he's saying he's doing everything for? Uh, well, it isn't like she won't find out about it eventually! She's already seeing a lot of unsavory things about me, so it's fine!

This could be just part of a means to manipulate so that she continues to think I'm a good person that says honest things from time to time! His head tilts as he words and rewords his own motivations so that they sound as a villain's should sound. It puts his heart at ease, and it no longer feels like it's so fragile it might break.

Yet even as he thinks that, he freezes when she places his hand over his freshly recovered heart. He decides to gently place his own hand over hers, lightly patting it. It really is fine. It's really fine. ]

I'm doing a lot just for myself. Even coming here is just to attempt to find the source of those thorns in these books... if it isn't in the castle itself. It is so I don't end up cursed, again.

[ Indeed, as soon as he awoke and recovered, he wanted to set off to find the source as soon as possible! If it is something that can be destroyed, then he won't have to worry about ever again! Very selfish. ]

[ He's claiming that he's being selfish, coming here, and that most of what he does it for himself. She can't truly believe it, not when he's spoken so fondly of letting himself perish for his disciple. No truly selfish individual would say something like this....

If his intention is to confuse her further, it's working, and again she thinks to herself that she can't truly figure him out. Because just when she thinks he's one thing, he's attesting to the other. ...But perhaps it's a balancing act; he can be self-motivated in some areas while selfless in others.

There's a third interpretation to all this as well: again she thinks of his heart within his chest. It doesn't know the whims and will of its owner; all it does is work and fight to live, day after day. It is not selfish to do as it needs to keep itself safe and live; similarly, he shouldn't be deemed selfish for merely seeking to self-preserve. ]

Your heart... [ With her hand upon his chest, and his over her hand there, it's almost as if she can feel through him. ] It beats only for you, to keep yourself alive and safe. You've come to this castle to find a way to ensure your own safety as well.

[ Her gaze lowers from his to their hands, and then she closes her eyes. ] Teacher, surely it is not a sin... to want to live. [ Although she says this, it comes out more like a question. ]

[ A sin to want to live? Of course not. Who was the one that chose his own life over his disciple's? It would only be a shameless person that could say honestly and clearly that it is a shame to want to live after those circumstances!

He would certainly die of shame, if not guilt, for admitting that it was. So, he has to admit that it isn't. ]

There is no sin in wanting to live. [ His fingers resting against her hand twitch slightly. He opens his mouth to add: "But there are some intolerable people that should not be allowed to live to their proper expiration date." His lips press together in a thin line.

Shen Qingqiu thinks that might be misunderstood like he is talking about himself, but he's actually talking about true and honest scum villains. Like the one that the real Shen Qingqiu was -- fooling around with adolescent girls and breaking the spirits of disciples that actually had talent to become something! The original really needed to go! But now that I'm in his body, I can't say that! Especially since I feel like this is more my body than his! ]

There is no sin in wanting to live, and there's no sin in wanting other people to live. That is why this teacher is still happy with the promise that we have with one another. [ His head tilts slightly as he offers her yet another smile. ] The weight of this promise ... it probably is heavier than anything else that you could have given me.

[ ... ] I shall attempt to be wiser and better about its weight so you do not feel like you're carrying it all yourself. I cannot let you feel so burdened when we just made it, ah?

[ She feels foolish for even asking in the first place, and she wonders if he thinks of her some lost, helpless waif for even positing the question in the first place. Of course it is not a sin to want to live-- she would surely tell the same to others in any other situation, even if she does not believe it applies to herself-- but she wants him to embrace that, for when he next encounters his disciple. She can no longer read him, however, and she's uncertain.

Her hand finally withdraws from him, going to brush some wetness away from underneath her eyes. ] ---Yes, ....yes, of course.

[ Now to wipe her other cheek. Ah, she must look pretty pathetic right now. He says he's happy with the promise they made, isn't that enough for now? Isn't that what she wanted, to make him happy in some way? ] Promises are made... together. So we have to carry this one, too, together.

[ Despite herself, she manages a meager smile in response as she looks at him. ] I'm not burdened by it, though, especially if it's a promise made with someone like you.

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