january catch-all log

[trepidate]

Who: Phos + others!
Where: Around town
What: Questies, human!Phos
When: all of January
Warnings: houseki no kuni spoilers in a particular thread! otherwise tba


[ If you'd like to plot with me and do either a quest or interact with temporarily human!Phos, feel free to hit me up at  heita ! ]

Comments

[unghost]

[ They can't hide the way their eyes widen a fraction at that, and how more dread washes over them, settling in heavy against their shoulders. There's a reason they hadn't wanted to hear anything Phos wanted to say back at home - going beyond just their exhaustion. The more they get involved, the more they feel certain that they'll get dragged into this entire mess. Gems aren't fond of change, Cairngorm in particular. But Phos, and their plan with the moon, whatever it is, will undoubtedly radically change their life (again).

They purposefully wait a few beats to answer, hugging themself out of nervous anticipation. ]

...Why now?

[ They can't make themself push back, and there's not really any feasible way to avoid this. The most they can do is try to understand why this is suddenly relevant, when Phos had been adamant about only dropping little hints here and there to the other gems, and even making an effort to keep hush about it here in Chroma. Cairngorm saw through it at home, but not everyone did. Because of that, they can only imagine that what they're about to hear isn't pleasant. ]

[trepidate]

[ Before they can help it, a nervous laugh drags itself from their depths of their chest as their expression reveals a sad, helpless sort of exhaustion. Their shoulders sag forward from the weight of the burden they're about to share with Cairngorm, hesitating only to align their thoughts into some coherent explanation. ]

Being like this made me realize.. if I somehow die or get broken apart here, I won't be able to get home and save everyone. If time has stopped there they might still be okay, but if not..

[ They trail off, realizing they're only going to talk in circles unless they start with the real truth of the matter. The bundle of nerves rattling in their chest that would normally manifest itself in tremors of alloy instead has them grasping the blankets of Cairngorm's bed in tight, anxious fists. ]

The night you agreed to go to the moon with me, you would have found out right away. I was going to tell everyone as soon as we got there, since seeing it is the only way you could understand.

[ They thought they could face Cairngorm for this, but something about the reveal burns too much to look anywhere but away from them. ]

Everyone that's ever been taken to the moon was ground into dust that covers the surface of the moon. The shards we've been collecting all this time were just fakes.

[unghost]

[ The thing about being partnered with Phos is that over time, its become easier and easier to pick up on when they're joking around, and when they're not. It doesn't make them feel great to see the other so grave and serious - and while they've appeared before them like this before breaking out into a careless smile, there's nothing in the other's voice that hints that this is anything but the real truth. Their hand clenches in the covers, bracing for the impact of whatever Phos's reveal will be.

And then, they lay it all out at once. ]

...Ground to dust?

[ It's true that Phos seems deathly serious here, but that doesn't make anything they said any easier to accept. Their eyes grow wide as they let it sink into them, heavy and awful, and they feel for the first time the sensation of their heart dropping, a cold sweat breaking out on their skin. Everyone they've ever lost - ground to dust and layed into the ground like they were nothing. All those shards them and Ghost had so diligently cared for over the centuries were all imitations. It's so absurd that they have trouble processing all of it at once, so their responses are delayed, their voice shaky and raw when they speak again. ]

How do you know?

[ This is what Phos had been hiding from the other gems, so they must feel pretty certain that this is the truth. But it's so hard to believe without seeing it - or maybe they don't want to believe it. Cairngorm didn't believe in the possibility of gems ever returning from the moon, but hearing it confirmed in explicit terms is unexpectedly heartbreaking. ]

[trepidate]

[ Some part of Phos had been wishing for Cairngorm to simply be angry with them for finding this out, for hiding it all this time and for only deciding to tell them now. They don't know what to do with the hurt, shocked expression that spreads across their face instead, or the unsteadiness plaguing their voice which each question. If they had simply punched them in this moment instead, the same way as when they had lost Ghost, Phos thinks it would be easier to continue on.

But this was never going to be easy, was it? They knew that from the start. ]

The Lunarians.. [ They pause, struggling to swallow with how dry their mouth feels. Every part of their body feels like it's trembling, unable to keep still while Phos forces themselves to continue. ] They can talk like we do, and I spoke to their leader. He showed me a piece of synthetic Antarcticite..

[ Even now, they can visualize it, that fraction of their face being dropped into the grinder and coming out as nothing more than dust, and what if it wasn't synthetic at all but the real Antarc and— suddenly, Phos turns to look at Cairngorm again, pulling themselves out of the memory of that moment with a sick expression. ]

They have a machine that they drop the shards into and it breaks them into dust. I saw it with my own eyes.. And this entire time, they've only been taking us away and breaking us apart because they want something from Sensei. It has nothing to do with us.

[unghost]

[ Even with Phos's further explanation, a million questions flood their head. Why hadn't communicating worked before? What's the point in grinding up the gems? Why hadn't Phos ended up like all the others? Their lips draw into a tight line, the crease in their forehead becoming ever deeper, but they don't look away from their partner - in fact, their gaze hardens, studying their body language. They need to be stern here, and be the voice of reason. They can't go falling apart. ]

They told you all of this? And you believe what they said?

[ The Lunarians. Cairngorm is of the stern opinion that anything a Lunarian has to say must be met with a healthy dose of caution, regardless of what Phos had seen. It isn't that they don't believe in what Phos saw - but if they're being realistic, there's no way to know if all of that is really true. ]

I mean— how can taking us away get anything from Sensei to begin with....?

[ Maybe if they understood that, they would understand more why Phos is so willing to believe the likes of their enemy. Most of the gems accepted that Sensei knew something about Lunarians that the rest of the gems didn't, but Cairngorm themself had never traveled very far down that rabbit hole outside of pondering the occasional hint from Lapis's musings. ]

[trepidate]

[ Now, there it is. Seeing Cairngorm's expression harden, their rationality rearing its head, Phos is reminded again of why they can't help but need their partner in the mess of this situation. Crawling further back onto Cairngorm's bed, they pull their knees up to their chest and rest their chin there, arms drawn over their legs to feel more put together than they do right now. ]

I don't think they told me everything. But why would they show me that or let me leave if some part of it weren't true?

[ But Cairngorm's next question prods at the raw feelings of Phos's decision and agreement with the Lunarians. They nearly wince, if not for the cold gaze pinning them in place. This explanation is half of what their plan hangs on. Before they speak again, Phos straightens up a little, steeling their voice to convince not only Cairngorm, but also themselves of this information again. ]

Sensei is a machine, but he's stopped working properly. The Lunarians thought if they shook him up enough by taking what he cares about, he would begin his work again. [ It's not as confident sounding as they would have preferred, but Phos is keeping it together. ]

I even confronted Sensei about being a tool made by humans and he said it was true. This whole time, he's been the reason we have to fight and lose our friends.. It made too much sense for me not to want to help them.

[unghost]

[ When Phos crawls farther into their bed, they find themself curling their legs closer to themself, if only to give the other more room. It's also still just cold, and their hand rubs their own arm through the sweater they're wearing, if only to give themself something to do while they try to make sense of what Phos is saying. ]

Sensei is... a machine?

[ If they'd learned this fact at home, it'd be harder to conceptualize and understand. But here, in Chroma, they have the privilege of knowing other functioning machines - and kind, helpful ones at that. So outside of the shock, the idea doesn't sit with them that poorly, especially since most gems had come to accept that Sensei was different from the rest of them somehow, be it in knowledge or form.

There's something much more troubling on the table, first. ]

If he was built by humans, then... [ They look troubled for a second, searching for the right way to phrase this. ] ...There were humans, before us gems.

[ That's not that hard to piece together given the clues Phos has dropped for them, and with their already existing knowledge of machines - it's common knowledge among gems that many life forms on their planet had been wiped out in series of extinctions brought on by meteors, afterall. They'd just never considered the possibility that humans were one of those species, and the shock shows plain on their pale features. ]

That still doesn't— how does that have anything to do with the Lunarians? Is he supposed to be working for them?

[ What can Sensei do for the Lunarians that they can't do themselves? That's what's missing here. ]

[trepidate]

Do you remember that thing we saw before, the person that came out of the sunspot that Sensei wouldn't cut down? He called it "professor", and the Lunarians said they were trying to make it resemble the human who built him.

[ Talking about it aloud, Phos feels less crazy and paranoid than they have in awhile. The pieces of information they have feel like they're aligned in a way that can reveal the truth to them eventually. But the relief that comes with this is followed quick by the guilt of involving Cairngorm again, making them doubt Sensei after all this time.

Softly, their voice drops as if musing more to themselves, just loud enough for Cairngorm to hear. ]

But if what the Lunarians and the Admirabilis said is true, then we came from humans, too. The meteor that broke the planet for the sixth time and split them into three. It drove them into the sea. [ Warily, they glance down at their hands to inspect the skin there, and then do the same to Cairngorm's own. ]

We're the "bones" and the Admirabilis are the "flesh", and Lunarians are the "spirit" that Sensei was built to pray for. He isn't working for them, but they need him. I don't particularly understand it, but they don't want to exist on the moon anymore and need Sensei to pray for them so they can finally become nothing.

[ One last pause, feeling their frustration and helplessness at being stuck here rise after making so much progress in their plan. Everyone back home could be in trouble, and yet, here they are— too human now to even wait out this town. Meeting Cairngorm's gaze again, it feels more like a confession than an explanation. ]

I was leading us to the moon so that we could cooperate with the Lunarians against Sensei.

[unghost]

[ Crisis about their creation and evolution from humans aside, what Phos says last bothers them most, maybe out of habitual desire to keep things the way they are. They don't remember agreeing to go to the moon, after all, so of course they are (way) more reluctant to go along with a plan as cunning as going directly against Sensei. ]

You're serious...?

[ Something about their voice seems uncharacteristically raw, and weak, like the sentence itself is being ripped out of them. They hate this. They hate being tangled in all of this; they don't know what part. Maybe it's that deep inside, they know they'll have to see this treacherous path Phos is leading them onto through to the end, regardless of what they want for themself. Or maybe it's that they just hate that Phos does this - throwing themself into danger left and right in the pursuit of the truth, peace, and now war.

Their hand comes to cover their eyes for a moment, letting out a shaky breath. This is making them feel sick, and they have to admit this is the most physically uncomfortable they've felt since this ltitle switch. ]

What is your end goal? "Against Sensei"— [ They drop their hand again, looking at Phos almost desperately. ] I mean, do you even know what they mean by that? Or are you just believing everything they say?