awashlogs | [ closed ] catch-all for some post forest threads

No, I can't.

[He's not human, huh? Guren isn't surprised, but he wasn't expecting that, either. If there were physical things, he could tell— differences in breathing, in moving. If he had known Ryoji for more days, he'd be able to pick up that he didn't have to eat, probably. But aside from that? Nothing.

Still, Ryoji is right that Guren isn't going to act out or treat him any differently. He just inclines his head, hands still in his pockets as he considers him.]

Maybe you're not human, but you still seem closer to us humans than you do to those demons. [He has kindness, a heart.] What I would be able to pick up on is malicious intent. It's not hard to tell when someone wants to kill you or hurt you and has no way of disguising it.

But you don't show any of that. So what are you called, if not human?

I'm a "Shadow."

[ A word that means very little to people, with its usual meaning. ] Rather than a person, I am the embodiment of emotions cast from many different people, given a physical form... I wasn't supposed to exist to begin with, and I wasn't supposed to exist for long.

[ These are also very vague words, and he's sure he's not explaining any of this very clearly, but there's a lot to what he is and the most important part is what he isn't. That is, to say, however close he is to humans, he is not one. ]

...They called me "Death."

[An embodiment of emotions. Guren thinks he can understand, from a description like that. Even with vague words, he can pick up on things fairly easily, and he's always been dealing with the occult, even before the apocalypse came and the Four Horsemen of John began wandering around.

He's concerned, now, but it's for Ryoji above anyone else. Not supposed to exist for long?]

I can understand you being made from human emotions, but why "Death?"

It's what I am, and what I bring to the world.

[ He says it as simply as stating one's occupation, but this isn't one he has by choice. ]

I was created to bring about death as salvation, to end all suffering, and bring bring peace to the world.

[ There might have been some good intentions behind his creation, at once point, but then it all got out of hand. He was supposed to be that being who greets people in death, takes their hand at the end of their journey, and guides them to where they could rest. It was never supposed to be about bringing death, about taking lives before their time. There was never a malicious intention behind it, nothing of the sort Guren could feel from him. ]

So... something like a shinigami.

[He's not sure if it matches up exactly, since Ryoji sounds so peaceful about it. To end all suffering... That's not a bad way of looking at things, regardless of whether you believe in a sort of afterlife.]

It doesn't change anything, so why tell me this now? Did you think it would? Or are you worried about something else?

Doesn't it change things, knowing I could be just as dangerous as what took Akechi-kun's colors and emotions?

[ Just the mere fact that he's not human. It should change things; it should make Guren wary and less forgiving... It's those worries, but many more as well. ]

...I never got to live like the rest of you. I was sealed away soon after my birth, so there's so much I don't know. Back then, the demon had promised a way to fix things, to restore the color and bring a smile to people's faces. That's why I wanted to— ...that's why I disobeyed you. I'm sorry.

[Hmm. He understands, but how can he word this without saying that he's nearly lost his humanity as well? That he caused the apocalypse and is trying to fix it? He hesitates for a long moment.]

You're not like that. [First of all, that's an easy thing to say.] I've dealt with the occult my whole life. Shikigami, other families revolved around magic— the Ichinose clan was its own religious cult. I know when something is bad for humanity.

When I first contacted a demon directly, it promised me power. Power, to help save and protect my friends. Blindly, I accepted it, and I became part demon myself. I went on a rampage at my school and killed tons of people. I saved my friends that day, but I was so barely myself that I was in and out of almost killing them.

It isn't strange to want to give in to a demon's desires. If my friends hadn't been there, I would have turned completely. They sealed me in the school and waited days for me to come back to normal, restricting my demon and helping me fight it back. [He pulls his hands out of his pockets and rests one on Ryoji's shoulder.] That's what friends are for. Helping you not give in to things like that, having your back, doing whatever they can to save you.

That's all I did for you. I never questioned why you were close to giving in, or why Akechi gave in.

I have also killed a lot of people.

[ He whispers this, frozen under the weight of Guren's hands on his shoulder, and he speaks to the ground. ]

It wasn't a demon that possessed me, then; it was simply me.

[ Confused, desperate, frightened... The deaths he had caused were not intentional, but neither did he take care to avoid them- people were in his way- he did not care. There's a certain inherent lack of humanity he isn't sure friends could help with. ]

[He doesn't move his hand away.]

A being like you... am I right in saying that you change the longer you're with people?

I don't know. [ He can't answer that with certainty, and if he answers "yes," like he's inclined to, he couldn't say whether it's a fact, or simply a wish. ]

Before coming here, I've only existed a single month among people.

...Even demons don't have personalities of their own. They adapt to the desires of the person they possess, exaggerating them as they grow and becoming focused on entirely that.

[He squeezes his shoulder a little.]

A Shadow sounds even more like it would adapt. But humans do that, too. The more they hang out with someone, the more they think like them, speak like them, act like them. It's the same with everything.

You don't have any intent to kill. From how you're saying it, I don't think you ever did. But... just because you're "Death"... it doesn't mean it's bad for you to be here. You're just like anyone else here: your own person.

[ He might be his own person now, but it wasn't always the case. He looks up at Guren, shoulders drawing back a little. ]

Shadows come from people, but they don't overtake them... I was sealed inside Minato's soul. Everything I am... [ the kindness that Guren sees, the gentle nature ] ...that's all because of him. Like a demon. Are there good demons?

Inside of his soul, huh...

[But he's just a normal high schooler? He's been calling BS from the start, but that makes it even more so. He'll have to ask him later.]

Demons aren't inherently good or evil. They feed off of desires, which can be dangerous... and bloodlust is a definite worry with a quest for power. Still, I've never met a demon that isn't dangerous. [...Hmm.]

That's based entirely on the way we humans are using them, though.

[ Normal high schoolers can get possessed by Shadow-demons, sorry for outing you, Minato.

But what Guren says about demons is a lot of what Ryoji thinks too; Shadows aren't inherently dangerous, but they can be. Even in the hands of somebody like Minato, who can borrow Ryoji's power to fight— although rather than bloodlust, he fights to protect, and that difference in mindset makes it okay somehow. ]

I think I understand. We cooperate because our interest align. [ "Cooperation," although there might have been some unconscious manipulation on Ryoji's part when it came to Minato, whoops ] That demon in your sword also helps you, right? Because that demon believes in you and your cause?

[He looks to Ryoji's eyes as he's asked that question. The demon believes in him and his cause? He's not sure he'd word it like that. The demon was no longer Mahiru— it had warped and devoured her personality entirely, until she was no longer the same person. Now, it was trying to do the same for him.

His desperate need for power to save everyone was feeding it more and more, and it was getting harder to push back. They both had the same goal, because they were becoming more and more the same person. Beliefs were out of the question. The demon was acting like an animal, on instinct, on what it was meant to do. By feeding on this desire, it could gain its own body and be free, and Guren's deep goals would become its own.

He blinks, but he doesn't move his eyes away.]

Yeah, something like that. It's a contract, but we're working towards the same thing. [In the end, he needs that power, and that's all there is to it. He'll achieve his end goal, and he'll fight to keep his humanity. So... he doesn't need to worry others.]

[ Maybe it's not friendship, but to Ryoji, a contract is trust, and trust is strong. He trusts Minato more than anybody in the world, but he does not have a contract with him; he doesn't have a contract with anybody; he's his own person; maybe Guren is right. ]

I'm glad for it. Sorry, it must have been strange for me to bring it up all of the sudden. I thought it would be better to tell you now, than to find out later and have that shock.

You never have to apologize for sharing something with your friends.

[He's decided they're friends? Well, that's out there, and he gives Ryoji a very genuine, heartfelt look before he turns away, one of his hands resting at his hip and the other dropping to his side.]

I only wondered if there was a reason for it. Whatever your reasons, you can talk to me about anything whenever you want.

[ Oh. He looks vaguely surprised at first, but then settles down into a beam. Friends... It's a word he very rarely hears used for him, although he will toss the word out generously to others. ]

There isn't a singular reason. Or maybe there wasn't a good reason at all, but I suppose I just wanted to be honest with you.

[It's been a hard time finding reasons to smile, lately, but Ryoji gets a small one out of Guren with that comment about honesty.]

Haha... really? [That's sweet, honestly.] I appreciate it. That's how it should be, I think.

That's how it should be. And it goes both ways, so if you ever have anything you want to talk about, my ears are yours.

[ Like when you're feeling guilty about betraying your team!! tell him these things maybe ]

[Hmmm, no, he's a hypocrite.]

Thanks, Ryoji. [But he says that genuinely enough, and with his small smile still in place, it almost seems like he hasn't been killing himself over finding solutions to this!] I'll remember that.

[ closed ] catch-all for some post forest threads

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject