awashlogs | [ closed ] catch-all for some post forest threads

[It's been a day since everyone else got back, and there's still no sign of a few people close to Guren. His very own housemate is missing, with no sign from anyone in his group, and to be honest, it's driving him crazy thinking about it. He's almost considering going back in there himself, but the idea of going alone is too foolish even for him.

He's running on no sleep, rummaging through the kitchen for a quick snack to get by when he hears the door open. A glance, and the reaction is immediate. He abandons whatever food item he'd been looking at (he hadn't had time to register yet, he had no appetite but he knew he had to eat) and rushes to the door, immediately grabbing Akira by one shoulder, and then the other, and looking him over for injuries. For this quick moment, his calm shield breaks.]

Report. [It's an automatic thing that comes out of his mouth, and after a few seconds of a pause, he realizes he has to explain.] What happened? [A silent are you okay? is there, too.]

[He's forgotten about food for now. Akira was home, but that twisting worry in his stomach hasn't left at all. He heads out as soon as he's done with that conversation, and without any detours, it's not long before he's at Dextera's door, knocking.

If he takes too long, he'll just end up letting himself in, but he wants him to open that door and seem the same as usual.]

Hey, Dextera! [He has to be in there, right? Where else would he have gone?]

[He couldn't figure out how to fix this. Once they came out of the forest, he'd insisted on walking Akechi home, and from there... what could he do? He was completely unfeeling, and that didn't help all of this thinking about it, either. He said he was fine.

Guren did a lot of his thinking about this at home, at his laptop. Writing out ideas, thinking through plans, wondering about drugs... None of it seemed like it would even get close to working. All he could do was stop by Akechi's place every day, drop off some food and hang around, asking him questions. It seemed like things were improving, but he couldn't tell if that was him being hopeful, or the slight color in surroundings seeming to make him less grey.

Now, he's at the door again, knocking with one hand. There's a bag of berries (assorted ones of color, strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, whatever he could find) in the other, a simple little gift to make sure he's eating.]

Open up.

[For Ryoji, he gives him a few days to relax. That was a stressful experience, and nearly falling to a demon himself, being unable to save a friend— he knows the feeling. He doesn't want to interrupt that process... but he does want to help, even if he doesn't think he's the best at it.

He knocks a few times and then waits. He doesn't want to yell out for him to answer, but he will knock again if it takes too long for him to come to the door. He's worried!!]

[When he makes it out of the forest, Guren doesn't head straight home. It's Akechi's house first, and he lingers there for some time, unsure of what to do. His walk home is long; he tries to find someone who hasn't returned yet, and their absence is upsetting enough. He waits by the forest again, hoping more people will come through, but it looks like that's it. Some people aren't coming back. At least not tonight.

When he steps through the front door and takes his shoes off, it's quiet in a way that's different from usual. He still holds himself tall, and his face shields what it can, but his eyes say enough. He's exhausted.

He's a little bruised and very dirty, thanks to the power of his own attacks being reflected right back at him a couple of times, but otherwise, he's uninjured. But still, he couldn't save everyone.]

[ deeply unfortunately for guren, dextera is in no mood to see anyone—even him. something feels wrong inside of his heart, some great part of him missing. he knows what it is. his guilt was taken from him.

he should be grateful for it, shouldn't he? his burden has been lifted... but it's unjust. he has no answers. he's done nothing. he can't even feel guilty about this undeserved boon, but he consciously knows something is wrong, when it feels like his tentative connection to reality has been torn from him. ]

...

[ he doesn't answer, tucked away in his room, and frankly just hopes guren will go away. ]

[Too bad, Guren isn't the type to give up on anything. Even the impossible. So, something as easy as opening a door and letting himself in? He's not backing out. He pushes open the front door, and letting that shut behind him, goes straight to Dextera's room.]

Dex? [The door opens, and it's a mix of relief and more worry to see that Dextera is actually in here. Guren isn't the type who would let his feelings be hurt by something like not having the door answered, but he sure is worried about what that means for the place Dextera is in right now.

He lets the door shut behind him, but he's very much in the room now, watching Dextera. He wants to give him the chance to show him any sign of anything, first, before he starts trying to get out what his personal experience was like in that situation.]

[ dextera has color, which is good news, and he seems responsive when guren enters his room—he knew that guren would, but he still flinches as the door opens and guren calls his name. he wants to be relieved to see guren, he does, but he doesn't know how to make sense of these feelings. this lack of one particular feeling, more important to his identity than all others.

he doesn't know what to do. ]

...

[ for now, he just turns away from guren, avoiding eye contact—aware of his surroundings, aware of guren, and thoroughly miserable about both. ]

[Looking at him like this, it's clear that he's troubled. Guren got as much as he could out of Akira, but details like that would never tell him what Dextera personally went through. Everyone dealt with the same scenario differently. Just like he, Akechi and Ryoji had their own troubles to deal with, this was something completely different from Akira.]

So, you don't want to see me, huh? [He speaks up, finally, taking a few steps further inside. Dextera is avoiding him, but he's still going to try to get a look at his face, or at least make sure he's not actually injured anywhere.]

I can't blame you. [This is just another thing he can't help with at all. He knows that, but he's still stepping closer, as if he can. He knows better, he expects nothing, but he still crouches and places his hand on Dextera's back.]

I'll leave, if you want me to. But not until I really know how you're doing. Are you going to be okay in here?

[ being touched is almost too much, and it's like guren pushes the wet, near-tears breath out of him just by placing his hand against dextera's back. he feels so empty it hurts, and without the answers or memories or relief that he was supposed to get from relieving his sin the "right" way, he'll never be able to fill that gap.

he's going to die feeling like this, he thinks. ]

Hh...

[ it's a keening sound, as he turns his face just enough to see guren without truly looking at him. dextera looks panicked, the way he did when he first arrived in this town. ]

[He wishes he could wipe that panic away, but again, he can't do anything. All he can do is look at that expression, hand too afraid to leave Dextera's back even if he's worried that he just made it worse.]

Things are going to be okay. [Since Dextera does not seem to be okay at all, right now, he has to say it. Firm. Determined.] Even if I have to go back into that damn forest and figure it out myself...

[His own expression still looks relatively calm, if incredibly sad, but his free hand clenches so tight into a fist at his side that his arm shakes a little.]

Whatever it is, I won't let you stay like this. [But his words aren't going to help at all. What he needs is action, and he doesn't know where to start. He can't jump in foolishly— so where? He's thinking even harder now, unable to stop.]

[ it's so stupid, to want to feel that pain again—but isn't that the whole point of his journey? to restore god's pain to her? he can understand now why she needs it. without the burden on his shoulders that he's learned to carry, he has nothing to guide him.

but he knows one thing. guren can't go back into the forest. that gets dextera's attention, finally, and he turns so he's looking at guren properly now. he shakes his head, grabbing guren's sleeve like guren said he was going to go right now and figure it out.

guren seems okay. dextera doesn't want him to risk himself needlessly. ]

Haha... you don't want me to go back?

[It's a relief, that Dextera is capable of looking at him fully, and of being concerned like that. At the same time, this isn't enough. He has to fix this, and he absolutely will go back in that forest if he has to. To get Akechi's color and emotions back, to help Akira and Dextera with what they've lost, to help Izuku with everything that's happened— he's not going to do nothing. If it comes to it, he'll go in.

His hand has slipped away from Dextera's back, and he lets his clenched fist of the other arm relax.]

I thought you wanted me out of here? [Guren is not funny, news at 11] Don't worry. I won't go running back in. I'm going to try everything I can on my own out here, first.

[He won't stop until he sees Dextera's smile again.]

[ that might be a while!!

guren's teasing is familiar, but although it isn't unwelcome, dextera doesn't have it in him to banter back right now. all he can think about his how terribly empty he feels, how terribly empty he's always felt. his brother helped him, once—but his brother has been gone for a long time now, and dextera can do nothing to change that.

he slides his hand down from guren's sleeve to his hand, holding it—and he'll write something eventually, but for this instant, he's just trying to feel the connection.

he sighs. ]

[ If Guren had come any of the days prior, he might have been met with silence, a body physically blocking the door and preventing it from being opened, like Ryoji had done to Minato in a weak attempt to shut him out. But in those few days, he'd been able to talk some things through, gather himself a little, struggle with his doubts and regrets. It really is a struggle, and he's not sure if he can win this one.

The door takes some time to open, but it does— not before the sight of Ryoji peering through one of the holes in the walls (there are many. the house has fallen once, and they've tried their best to patch it up.) in lieu of a peek hole before he lets the door swing open, holding onto the solid wood as he steps inside as if to use it as a shield.

He doesn't offer a smile like he normally would, or a hello or any other greeting. There's worry on his face, hesitation, but underneath all of that, there's the utmost relief. ]

[ He will wait forever... and do whatever he can to help!! Still seriously considering going back into the forest, but there’s just so much he has to do first.

He squeezes Dextera’s hand lightly when it rests in his own, but that sigh tells him this still isn’t enough. He’s still not strong enough. This still doesn’t help. The silence is fine, though, if Dextera isn’t still pushing him away. Even if this isn’t enough, maybe it’s sometbing, and so he’ll stay here as long as it takes.

His own tired stare watches Dextera for a moment, but then turns to the floor. He’ll go through every thing he has to do in his mind. New sparring match ups, that might help. Checking on Akechi, on Ryoji, on everyone else. Seeing how Akira does from here, and now Dextera, too. He’s quiet, just lost in all that he could have done differently to avoid everything. This is a lot worse than reworking chess moves. ]

I’m sorry. [ He says that, after a while, quietly. ]

[ he can't feel guilty for worrying guren like this, and that scares him. even if he consciously knows that an apology of his own should be forming, there's nothing—a salient nothing, and it's like his body is working overtime with all his other negativity to make up for this gap in his heart. ]

...

[ dextera shakes his head, but the words he finally writes on guren's palm probably don't provide much comfort to guren, weighed down as he is.

E-M-P-T-Y
H-U-R-T-S

it's not guren's fault. but this is something he can't help with—he's just too nice for his own good. ]

[ Feeling those words written makes his stomach twist, and again, he wishes there was more he could do. His guilt is perfectly in tact. Shinya once said it was his virtue to shoulder all the blame like this, but really, if they all hadn’t been separated, if he had said some words first... ]

You’re missing something, right? [ That’s what he’s gathered. ] There has to be a way to get it back. I’m sorry that it’s painful now, but I’m looking into what I can do.

[ Nothing!!! He can do nothing!! ] Even if it hurts, hang in there.

[ hang in there. that's all he can do, isn't it? he has to live, but now it's entirely without purpose. what's the point of being here? what's the point if being alive, if he's been relieved of his burden without any satisfaction?

he squeezes guren's fingers.

S-I-N

no one else in the world would be so sad about having the worst thing in their life removed, and yet...! ]

[ This is a routine he's almost grown used to by now, people coming up to his door and checking in on him, trying to "cheer him up" even though he could feel nothing at the time, or even sending messages to his inbox... It was all so strange, and honestly overwhelming, now that he could properly process it. He had always craved attention, but until the past few days, he has never stopped to consider that maybe he couldn't handle so much of it in such a short period of time.

Still, there's someone at the door again, and this time he doesn't have to leave them waiting until Lupin takes pity on them and answers in his stead. Closing his laptop, he moves over to the door, wondering if it was one of the "regular" visitors. ]

Ah, Guren-san. [ He greets with a smile, a little less wide than usual, but at least back in full color. ] Good afternoon. Would you like to come in?

[ So casual for someone who was essentially dead for a few days. ]

Ryoji.

[Guren doesn't want to be invited in. The door opens, and so he steps inside, one hand on it even if he doesn't push. He hesitates only a second before he offers forward something he'd been holding out of view. It's a little pouch of assorted berries that have had their colors returned to them. He picked a bunch to give out to a few people, so... He found what he could.

It's not like he's worried or anything.]

Here. I had some extras laying around.

[Sin. The memory isn't gone, of course, but the feeling, then. That guilt Dextera was talking about? Guren remembers it, and even if his own guilt and punishment was the whole reason for his own suffering these past eight years, he thinks he understands.]

It's not completely gone yet.

[He looks serious as he says that, a determination that's more fierce than usual alight in his eyes. He's completely focused on something like this, after all, and hearing that Dextera has lost his—] We shared ours together, remember? I'm still holding onto that for you. Even if you're feeling lost right now, I won't let you stray. I'll help you get it back.

[He moves his free hand to grip at Dextera's shoulder firmly, emphasizing.] Do you hear me? I'll get it back. Just like I'll bring back everyone I killed. But until then, if you can't feel that painful guilt you told me about, then know that I'm feeling it for you. You don't need that Archangel guy this time.

[He's!!! Got this!!! Himself!!!

Well, it's not actually helping by any means, but he sure hopes it does something. Friendship, and all that... shared weights of the world.]

[Akira had almost called out a soft, I'm home, but in the end he'd decided against it. Of course, it didn't seem to matter; Guren noticed him as soon as he came in, before he could slip off to his room.

He looks okay: no obvious injuries, no indiction that he might be traumatized or the like. He mostly feels okay, though like something is definitely... missing. Like he's not whole. If asked to explain it, though, he's not sure he could.

He hopes this feeling isn't permanent.

As Guren puts his hands on his shoulders, he can't help but take a deep breath, to steady himself. He really wasn't expecting this kind of reaction, though maybe he should have been. He drags a shrug up, one that seems to shake his entire body.]

We found some mirrors in the woods. That's really about it.

[It's not, but Akira is stubborn, as always.]

[ he doesn't need the archangel... but he does. guren helps, of course, with his confidence and his care and the tethering grip at his shoulder, but the archangel knows better than anyone what dextera is feeling right now. even if they don't agree on everything, at least he understands.

it's for the best, perhaps, that dextera can't speak to protest this. ]

...

[ despite the conflict, however, dextera appreciates guren's faith. he's glad that he confided in guren, and that guren has confided in him—he's not ungrateful, just sad. so he nods, taking guren's hand and pressing his forehead to his knuckles with another shuddering sigh.

he believes that guren will do everything he says. ]

[It's hard not to look surprised at that. Full color? Just overnight? Guren doesn't respond to that question, but he does step forward like he's going to come in, anyway, pushing his bag of berries at Akechi. They're not the focus at all.]

Akechi? Your color is back? What happened?

[ closed ] catch-all for some post forest threads

AKIRA

DEXTERA

AKECHI

RYOJI

YATA

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