[ OPEN? CLOSED? ] as you die, you will understand.

[passio]

WHO: dextera + others! i’m open to anyone but please tell me by PM or at pavaal if they haven’t had at least like, one conversation.

WHAT: dextera forces himself to face all the people he bailed on after dying.

WHERE: the town!

WHEN: forward dated to late june, and probably the 1st and 2nd of july.

WARNINGS: death death death

[ for the first time, dextera wakes up from death to a sky that isn’t red. it’s all as grey as the world around him, and slowly, the memories return to him—the bogeyman, his brother, the feeling of his very soul being taken from his body. then, there’s a long expanse of nothing. now, his consciousness has returned.

he keeps out of the way at first in this sketchy body, staying private, staying safe with a friend he’s sure won’t tell—there are things he’s not ready to talk about, and faces he’s not ready to see. after a few days have passed, though, and his features reform, color returns, and his voice continues to stay just out of reach, he can finally be seen around town again.

he saw the post. he knows guren announced his death. he’s just hoping that no one will ask about it, if they see him. ]

...

[ as ever, he's silent. ]


( i'll be posting closed prompts in the comments for people who want them, otherwise... go HOG WILD. )

Comments

[passio]

[ and eventually, dextera is.

it’s obvious that something is different, by the way that the door cracks open just enough to see who it is, and abruptly shuts when it’s apparently not who the person inside was expecting. he has bouts of guilt, of embarrassment, that come and go every time he thinks about all the grief he’s caused, and he’s not sure what he can even say to minato that won’t make him sound like a fool. ]

…

[ he’s scared. he doesn’t want minato to be mad at him, even if that’s insane. he doesn’t know that minato could ever be mad at anyone, but… it’s slowly, that he opens the door again. this feels familiar, as it was during the attack of the werewolves, but there’s nothing to be afraid of out there except for dextera’s own self-punishment. ]

[messianic]

[... It's true. He's alive. Dextera's alive, he's back, and while Minato knows better than anyone that that doesn't erase the death he went through...

He's still so relieved.

He doesn't have much time to react to the door shut immediately in his face, taken off-guard as he is...but when Dextera opens the door again, Minato's expression just softens, and then he steps forward enough to take Dextera's hand between his own two hands, bringing it to his forehead and dragging in a shuddering breath.

Nobody should ever have to die. Minato believes that firmly, certainly. But especially Dextera, who is already so sad, who's doing his best, and who, in a moment of selfishness too Minato thinks, is an important friend.]

... Thank goodness...

[He can only breathe that out softly, eyes sliding shut.]

Thank goodness you're here.

[passio]

[ dextera doesn’t deserve this. he went through it with guren, and he’s sure he’s going to go through it with every person who is relieved he’s back. he’s never cared about dying, but everyone else cares so much, and it makes him regret not trying that much harder to stay alive. so much grief could have been spared. ]

…

[ he doesn’t try to pull his hand back, but he doesn’t know what to do. his whole body feels tense with the need to apologize. he’s sorry. he’s sorry that he died, and that he upset minato and everyone else, and he’s sorry that minato felt the need to come here when it never had to be necessary.

he shakes his head, helplessly. ]

[messianic]

[Of course, despite his own grief and worries, Minato's not near oblivious enough to miss that shake of Dextera's head, or the look on his face. He lowers Dextera's hand, though still holds it between his own, to blink at him quietly.

And just as quietly, he tilts his head.]

... What's wrong?

[...Sans dying, of course, which is always a pretty big Problem.]

[passio]

I’m sorry.

[ dextera doesn’t like feeling this way. he’s trying to learn not to assume the worst of his friends, but that doesn’t stop him when it’s such an overwhelming feeling. he didn’t mean to die. such an accident should be apologized for. ]

For me—don’t worry.

[ his thoughts are scattered, and he can’t sign as clearly as he’s been able to before. ]

[messianic]

[... It's not like Minato doesn't understand.

When he saw Mitsuru again, when he saw Ryoji again--if he was able to somehow see Junpei and Yukari and Fuuka again... wouldn't he immediately feel that urge to apologize too? For causing them pain, for making them hurt over him, when all he'd wanted was to protect them.

In this, Minato understands better than anything.

So he meets Dextera's eyes quietly, and:]

... I know. It's hard... to cause your friends pain. To make them sad because something happened to you...

[It's easy to feel guilty over something like that.]

It feels terrible, right...?

[passio]

[ they think differently, that’s been long established, but somehow minato always knows what to say—how to say it, too, in that soothing voice of his that stops the onset of panic before dextera gets too far into his own thoughts. ]

… [ he nods, squeezing his eyes shut. ] Before—died. Many times. Not like this.

[ he should invite minato in, explain himself, let them both breathe… he just needs a moment to let that all occur to him, instead of standing here in the doorway with his heart threatening to beat out of his chest. ]

[messianic]

[It is a lot to process, there's no denying that. Dextera...died many times before this? Back in his own world, Minato assumes... but...

... That's so sad, he can't help but think.

Especially when he thinks about what Dextera might mean by "not like this".]

Dextera-san...

[...]

Did you not have someone waiting for you, back then? [Someone who would cry for him, wait up for him, want to make sure he was okay after such a harrowing experience...?]

[passio]

[ he had someone waiting. there was always someone there to greet him, every time he came back… and he would hear the reminder that the end of the world was his fault. his death was a nuisance, and the longer he took, the worse off everyone would be because of him.

his lack of an answer, neither a yes or a no, is answer enough in itself. the archangel did not make a kind guardian. ]

…not like this.

[ he says that again, and forces out another breath. he’s not fine at all. he’s been thinking too much about the archangel lately. ]

[messianic]

[... Not like this means nothing good. So Dextera is not used to someone caring. Someone wanting him to be safe. Someone worrying and fussing over his safety, and that's why he's here now, struggling to breathe, expression pained.

Minato blinks slowly... and then shakes his head, squeezing Dextera's hand gently.]

... You'll always have someone waiting for you now like this. I know it's scary in a lot of ways... but it's because everyone cares about you.

[So even if things go terribly wrong...]

We'll always be here for you, no matter what happens. [He knows that can be daunting... but he hopes it's a little warming, too, because Dextera's not back there anymore. Now...he's here.]

[passio]

[ dextera wants to stay here forever, even if he knows that isn’t fair to the world he left behind—and all the people here, who want to go home. he must be among the only ones, if not himself the only one who wants to stay here more than anything. it’s safer, more comfortable than the world he knows. there’s no archangel here. no meta-beings. no god. he doesn’t have to think about his sin.

he nods, even if he’s not ready to completely believe it yet, just because it doesn’t feel right to fight it, either. he wants to trust minato. he’s so terribly, horribly lonely. ]

…

[ his breathing is evening out, though, and he pulls his hand back—but with just enough pressure that he’s not trying to get away, rather to invite minato inside. ]

[messianic]

[And obediently, Minato will follow him inside. There's a lot, he's sure, that Dextera has to think about. A lot on his mind, a lot to come to terms with.

But after following him inside silently, when Minato breaks the silence it's to ask quietly:]

Are you injured at all? Or...

[Perfectly healthy again?]

[passio]

[ dextera shakes his head. he came back just fine, as he always does—but he still feels like himself. he looks like himself, just as he remembers seeing the last time he looked in a mirror. it’s not that his wounds healed, when he died before he came to this town. he was replaced with clones, over and over again.

he’s used to seeing himself the same, but just so slightly different. this is not one of those times. ]

Completely healed.

[messianic]

[...Completely healed. He died, and now he's back, perfectly healthy--

In body, at least.

Minato's sure that even if Dextera's gone through it before, dying is never entirely easy... but still. For now, maybe they should just hold onto the small blessings.]

I'm really...really glad.

[A soft breath out, and:]

Thank you for coming back to all of us. [He knows it wasn't completely up to Dextera, and yet... Dextera's still here. That's something to thank him for, Minato thinks.]

[passio]

[ maybe dextera would have stayed away, if he had the choice. dying seems like a needed respite from all that he’s been through, but the way minato speaks makes it seem like dextera would have been well and truly missed. ]

…

[ he doesn’t want minato to feel that way. he doesn’t want anyone to miss him. ]

Thank you for waiting.

[messianic]

That's the thing...

[Minato murmurs that softly, expression quietly rueful, almost. As if he's just now seeing this from the other side, finally, after all of this time.]

... I'll always wait for you. Because... that's the choice I've made in being your friend. And since it's my choice...

[Minato squeezes Dextera's hand, still gently held in his own, quietly.]

Please don't feel too guilty about what happened, or about how I feel right now.

[passio]

[ there’s something to this conversation that dextera can’t put his finger on—something minato isn’t telling him, but something dextera doesn’t want to force out of him at such tender, peaceful moment. although he sees some kind of empathy in minato’s expression, it’s not his business. not until minato wants to share it. ]

…

[ he’s just going to take minato’s hand, and guide them right down to sit on the floor. even months into living here, he doesn’t vibe with things like chairs or beds. ]

…I told you, I died before. Many times. Innumerable times. Always, he said— [ dextera gives no name here, only vaguely a “he” ] —“I’m tired of your face.”

[messianic]

[And sit on the floor Minato will contentedly do, sitting crosslegged and face to face with Dextera.

... But honestly, what a miserable situation that must be. To die, over and over again, with no comfort to be coming afterwards, with only words like that...

Minato frowns, but quietly. It's not really his place to say anything about whoever that mysterious "he" was; he's just not that sort of person. He's more concerned with Dextera either way.]

... Things are different here.

[He finally settles on that, breathing out a soft sigh.]

So many people have gotten to know you, here. The person you are, here. [Minato leans over, gently tapping Dextera's chest, over his heart.]

And... this is how they're reacting to you being gone.

[Because they love him, no matter what Dextera thinks of himself, no matter how that mysterious "he" referred to him. The people here care, and they always, always will.]

[passio]

[ minato is younger than him, but he feels centuries older with that kind of maturity—it’s the same comfort dextera took in the presence of the absolute god. even with the archangel’s commands resounding through his whole body, seeing her there felt something like coming home. minato’s words, too, ease the pain of his memories. ]

…

[ dextera sighs softly, closing his eyes, trying to memorize the sound of minato’s comfort, and the feeling of that tap against his chest. it kills him, to think that someone like minato could have been wiped out by his own foolish mistake. minato deserves to live far more than dextera ever has.

things are different here, but even so…

dextera holds minato’s hand, not saying anything, just taking it and letting it rest in his lap while he considers this. he remembers the skeleton they buried together, and minato’s gentle care for something dextera didn’t spare a second thought for. the body was something to be looted, for survival, and yet minato had the kindness to want to let it rest. ]

[messianic]

[Minato's never minded the silence. He imagines Dextera has a lot to contemplate... and he's content with that. He just holds Dextera's hand in return, sitting there peacefully, his other hand still tucked in his pocket even though that can't possibly be the most comfortable position to have it while sitting crosslegged.

Some habits never change.

But talking to Dextera reminds Minato in a lot of ways of talking to Aigis. Positive that he has a single purpose and that nothing else matters. Tentative, when it comes to matters that are so far outside of his own experiences.

But still... still, so sweet, so full of emotion, right? Just like Aigis was, even if she had had so much trouble acknowledging it.

Some things don't need to be pursued immediately. He's said his piece, and now he's content to just sit here, and allow Dextera's presence comfort him in return. Dextera's back--he died, but he's back now, and selfishly, for Minato, he thinks that's enough. He doesn't want to lose anyone else.]

[passio]

[ it’s silly, the thing that occurs to him next, but maybe silly isn’t such a bad thing after a heavy conversation.

dextera squeezes minato’s hand to get his attention, and then stands up, letting their fingers come apart gently. he’s never had a friend like this before, someone so quiet and understanding—he appreciates everyone he’s met here, but minato feels special for a reason he can’t place. ]

Do you like hot chocolate?

[messianic]

[... Oh. Minato blinks slowly, tilting his head. Maybe it's a bit of a silly question, but it's nice, too. That Dextera can immediately jump to a topic like this...

(He thinks Dextera will be okay.)]

I do... do you have some? [He wasn't expecting that, but it's kind of nice that Dextera managed to come across something like that.]

[passio]

[ dextera… will be fine, as long as he’s sure everyone else is fine, too. it’s always been like that, worrying more about the trouble he causes to others than he’s ever worried for himself. ]

A quest reward.

[ now seems like a nice time for something like that, doesn’t it? ]

There’s color.

[messianic]

[Oooh... That's a pretty nice reward.]

That's something good... what quest was it, do you know?

[He's not sure, Dextera could've been questing like a fiend all this time.]

[passio]

[ based on the way things have worked out… dextera would guess that it’s a reward for sharing those terrible memories. he hasn’t made the connection between a cozy drink and a bad day, but the point is that he did get something good. so he’s going to move over toward the kitchen, which is not that far from the entrance in this house, and he shows minato the packet of hot chocolate mix.

he has more than this, because he is a questing fiend. ]

The memory quest. [ a beat. ] I think.