[ dextera listens with all the quiet patience of a saint. his friends—guren’s precious friends, on a time limit. for them, the world, even though guren must have known it wouldn’t be forever.
there’s not a part of dextera that blames him. others might, others would, but he understands that desire for just a second longer better than anyone else. he brushes his thumb along guren’s cheek, for a moment just watching guren, taking in that story.
guren got his friends back for ten years, at the cost of the world and the burden of a terrible secret. ]
You told me.
[ a reminder that now guren has shared this, and if it lightens his soul even a little, dextera would hear it a thousand times. ]
[It does help, it really does, as small and as late as it is. But this is something he thinks of every day. Ten years— 8 are gone now. He's been stuck in this place for three months. He's losing precious time.]
They were too smart. I couldn't show even the slightest hint that I was thinking of something, I couldn't react to anything. Even the smallest sign would set Shinya off, at the very least.
[Imagine that!! Guren lets out a heavy sigh, relieved by Dextera's weight and his touch. His fingers drop away, though. He's tired, just from talking about this.]
I've got plenty of bad memories like that, but I'd say that one is the worst.
[ worse than the act itself, dextera thinks, is the keeping it secret. not being able to share something like that with someone so important... guren must have been carrying such a heavy weight. no wonder he's the way he is when it comes to emotional displays. his life has been an impossible balancing act, and dextera wishes there was something he could do for that. ]
...
[ he nods. it sounds like the worst to him. which is better, really? having a hundred bad memories, or having none at all? it isn't a contest, but dextera feels like he needs to be the one who can stand strong, in the face of all of guren's pain.
he sighs too, and although he does crawl off guren now, it's to immediately lay at his side. he's not going to stop touching guren for a second, as long as he can help it. ]
[This moment, as heavy as it is, is nice. They can touch again, and when he couldn't sleep, he came here and found Dextera in the same situation. It said a lot, it made him relax a lot, and now they were helping each other with that. As simple as that.
He's a little sad Dextera slid off of him, but the closeness beside him is just as nice. Maybe now he won't have to resist the urge to stare at his lips like he's tempted. His hand moves next to him, finding Dextera's to intertwine their fingers properly. After all of the handholding they've done, he can get away with this, can't he? It probably seems like nothing but a normal comfort between friends.]
[ dextera doesn't resist this lacing at all—he wouldn't have even on a normal day, but now, he actively responds to it, warm with the comfort of having guren so close to him. he's happy, even though half of him is dead, and guren's friends don't have much longer. is that selfish? maybe. but he's selfish. he doesn't want to think about the apocalypse, or all the things that are waiting for him back in his world. he doesn't want guren to think about those things, either, not when the two of them are here together and that's all dextera could ever ask for.
there are words in his chest that he wants to say. he wishes it were easier to form them. ]
Together.
[ it's not the first time he's said this—but it's the word he always seems to come back to. ]
[He's embarrassed, but it's in the best way. His smile is one that he can't hold back, no matter how hard he tries, and their hands are warm together. Dextera still has his jacket, he still has his bracelet, but he doesn't even mind that. Selfishly, he wants to keep it for as long as he can.]
Together. [He gives in, finally, and says it himself, followed by a breathy chuckle.]
I guess I should come over any time I can't sleep. Maybe one of these times you'll actually be sleeping just fine.
[ dextera laughs too, softer but just as quietly amused as guren is. it’s silly, but it brings him a comfort, to think that the two of them can be like this. he’s so glad that the curse wasn’t a permanent one—he’s touched hands with plenty of others, this week, but it’s nothing like this intimacy he shares with guren. ]
Heh.
[ he rests his cheek on guren’s shoulder, and there’s no denying that this is a cuddle. ]
[He wants to rip his own heart out so it stops beating so loudly. God, he's paranoid Dextera can hear it from where he is. He knows Crowley would be able to hear it from well across the room. And apparently Superman can hear everything at once? So now he's just thinking about all of that. Thanks, world.
He can only imagine what his friends would be saying, too. At least right now that makes him relax. He won't admit that he sleeps better next to Dextera, either.]
And even better with your chicken, right? You'd sleep with anything. [He's got the jokes]
[ dextera isn’t paying attention to the sound of guren’s heart, luckily for guren’s poor soul—he’s a little wrapped up in his own heartbeat, after all, when guren playfully comments that he would sleep with anything.
not anything, okay!! ]
Hmm.
[ he buries his face against guren’s shoulder, hiding now. embarrassed. ]
[ well, it’s true that he just likes to sleep next to someone—and now he understands why, completely. he was always comforted by the weight of his brother, even when he would move around and hurt their hip.
dextera shifts, until he’s lying prone with his stomach to the floor, and the side with his scar gently bumps against guren’s hip.
he’s not looking, but he signs for guren to see anyway. ]
[ Oh. We’ll he can’t keep joking with that. He’s still on his back, but he turns his face to look at him, frowning quietly. ]
It reminds you? [ And so it’s probably comfortable. That’s right... that’s all this is? He’s trying not to let selfish feelings get in the way of his care for Dextera’s feelings, but that makes him worry. He’s let go of his hand to let him turn, and now he feels too weird to ask for it back. Both of his stay folded over his stomach. ]
that’s not all there is to it, but dextera doesn’t know that guren thinks that to correct him. instead, he carries on exactly as he planned, which is to let his hand drop to guren’s chest.
not holding hands anymore, no, but there’s something intimate about the way his palm is lightly, loosely spread over guren’s heart, too.
[ It definitely feels intimate. Guren has never been so uncertain over wondering if someone liked him. Normally it’s so obvious? This... this just feels like Dextera is an angel above everyone else, so of course he’d be entrancing in this way. Of course he’d draw interest even from Guren who buries this deep. From everyone, he’s sure.
It’s like... how he viewed Mahiru as a goddess, actually. He remembers because she giggles in his mind, and thanks to the drug he has more of, he can keep it at that. ]
...
[ He has a lot he wants to know the answer to, but nothing he can ask. Instead, he ignores the pounding of his heart and shifts his leg to bump with Dextera’s, a solution to his craving for more contact, for now. ]
[ dextera isn’t unaware of his own feelings, but it’s impossible to feel that he has the right to have them, to dwell when he’s the one who caused the apocalypse. he doesn’t deserve to think about this thing he wants so badly, as the archangel has told him again and again. he doesn’t deserve anything, until he’s repented for his sin.
but how? how can he do that when he’s here? is he doomed to never get what he wants, as long as his guilt stands in the way? it’s something that stops him from seeking the fulfillment he’s desperate for, and why all he can do is take solace in the fact that guren lets him be here, side-to-side. ]
...?
[ dextera isn’t falling asleep yet, but he doesn’t move much when guren touches his leg. instead, his fingers twitch so slightly, and he shifts so that he can return guren’s little nudge.
[Again, like a magnet, he's drawn in. Dextera's earlier showing of their hips next to each other makes him feel like he shouldn't roll on either side, but he does give in and take Dextera's hand with his own, squeezing and leaving it between them.]
...Let's get some sleep.
[That's all... This hand holding can just be excused by their lack of touch over a week. It's a comfort, like he told Fushimi. That's what Dextera wants. A comfort. Guren lets his eyes close again.]
[ dextera takes another deep breath, letting it leave his body, relaxing him, and there’s a part of him that wants suddenly to take guren’s hand and feel his knuckles under his lips. enjoy the warmth.
he doesn’t do that, but leaves their hands intertwined all the same as he tries to force himself to sleep. ]
[It's hard to sleep with so many emotions buzzing around in your chest, isn't it? Guren relaxes, and Guren enjoys the company, but it takes him a good forty minutes to fall asleep properly.
By then, his grip on Dextera slips to a loose one, and he's snoring softly again. Ah, relaxation. But, even uncomfortable on his back on the floor, he'll sleep well.]
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no subject
there’s not a part of dextera that blames him. others might, others would, but he understands that desire for just a second longer better than anyone else. he brushes his thumb along guren’s cheek, for a moment just watching guren, taking in that story.
guren got his friends back for ten years, at the cost of the world and the burden of a terrible secret. ]
You told me.
[ a reminder that now guren has shared this, and if it lightens his soul even a little, dextera would hear it a thousand times. ]
no subject
[It does help, it really does, as small and as late as it is. But this is something he thinks of every day. Ten years— 8 are gone now. He's been stuck in this place for three months. He's losing precious time.]
They were too smart. I couldn't show even the slightest hint that I was thinking of something, I couldn't react to anything. Even the smallest sign would set Shinya off, at the very least.
[Imagine that!! Guren lets out a heavy sigh, relieved by Dextera's weight and his touch. His fingers drop away, though. He's tired, just from talking about this.]
I've got plenty of bad memories like that, but I'd say that one is the worst.
no subject
...
[ he nods. it sounds like the worst to him. which is better, really? having a hundred bad memories, or having none at all? it isn't a contest, but dextera feels like he needs to be the one who can stand strong, in the face of all of guren's pain.
he sighs too, and although he does crawl off guren now, it's to immediately lay at his side. he's not going to stop touching guren for a second, as long as he can help it. ]
no subject
He's a little sad Dextera slid off of him, but the closeness beside him is just as nice. Maybe now he won't have to resist the urge to stare at his lips like he's tempted. His hand moves next to him, finding Dextera's to intertwine their fingers properly. After all of the handholding they've done, he can get away with this, can't he? It probably seems like nothing but a normal comfort between friends.]
Thanks for listening.
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there are words in his chest that he wants to say. he wishes it were easier to form them. ]
Together.
[ it's not the first time he's said this—but it's the word he always seems to come back to. ]
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[He's embarrassed, but it's in the best way. His smile is one that he can't hold back, no matter how hard he tries, and their hands are warm together. Dextera still has his jacket, he still has his bracelet, but he doesn't even mind that. Selfishly, he wants to keep it for as long as he can.]
Together. [He gives in, finally, and says it himself, followed by a breathy chuckle.]
I guess I should come over any time I can't sleep. Maybe one of these times you'll actually be sleeping just fine.
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Heh.
[ he rests his cheek on guren’s shoulder, and there’s no denying that this is a cuddle. ]
Sleep better—with you.
[ in a totally heterosexual way of course ]
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[He wants to rip his own heart out so it stops beating so loudly. God, he's paranoid Dextera can hear it from where he is. He knows Crowley would be able to hear it from well across the room. And apparently Superman can hear everything at once? So now he's just thinking about all of that. Thanks, world.
He can only imagine what his friends would be saying, too. At least right now that makes him relax. He won't admit that he sleeps better next to Dextera, either.]
And even better with your chicken, right? You'd sleep with anything. [He's got the jokes]
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not anything, okay!! ]
Hmm.
[ he buries his face against guren’s shoulder, hiding now. embarrassed. ]
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Guren waits a second, then scrubs the back of Dextera's head a little with his hand.]
Come on, you can at least deny it.
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dextera shifts, until he’s lying prone with his stomach to the floor, and the side with his scar gently bumps against guren’s hip.
he’s not looking, but he signs for guren to see anyway. ]
Like this.
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It reminds you? [ And so it’s probably comfortable. That’s right... that’s all this is? He’s trying not to let selfish feelings get in the way of his care for Dextera’s feelings, but that makes him worry. He’s let go of his hand to let him turn, and now he feels too weird to ask for it back. Both of his stay folded over his stomach. ]
There’s nothing wrong with that.
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that’s not all there is to it, but dextera doesn’t know that guren thinks that to correct him. instead, he carries on exactly as he planned, which is to let his hand drop to guren’s chest.
not holding hands anymore, no, but there’s something intimate about the way his palm is lightly, loosely spread over guren’s heart, too.
dextera sighs out a long breath. ]
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It’s like... how he viewed Mahiru as a goddess, actually. He remembers because she giggles in his mind, and thanks to the drug he has more of, he can keep it at that. ]
...
[ He has a lot he wants to know the answer to, but nothing he can ask. Instead, he ignores the pounding of his heart and shifts his leg to bump with Dextera’s, a solution to his craving for more contact, for now. ]
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but how? how can he do that when he’s here? is he doomed to never get what he wants, as long as his guilt stands in the way? it’s something that stops him from seeking the fulfillment he’s desperate for, and why all he can do is take solace in the fact that guren lets him be here, side-to-side. ]
...?
[ dextera isn’t falling asleep yet, but he doesn’t move much when guren touches his leg. instead, his fingers twitch so slightly, and he shifts so that he can return guren’s little nudge.
he wants to hold hands. ]
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...Let's get some sleep.
[That's all... This hand holding can just be excused by their lack of touch over a week. It's a comfort, like he told Fushimi. That's what Dextera wants. A comfort. Guren lets his eyes close again.]
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he doesn’t do that, but leaves their hands intertwined all the same as he tries to force himself to sleep. ]
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By then, his grip on Dextera slips to a loose one, and he's snoring softly again. Ah, relaxation. But, even uncomfortable on his back on the floor, he'll sleep well.]