awashlogs | [open] No promise sweeter than a blood pact.

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koriel xiii

[open] No promise sweeter than a blood pact.

WHO: Sinistra and YOU?
WHERE: Around Ruga and the docks
WHEN: Catch-all for February
WHAT: Sad things, trying to meditate in inappropriate places and bothering strangers for amenities now that he has a housemate.

This'll be my catch-all for quests too when they come up!
WARNINGS: Probably topics of death. Will update as needed.

Training Task One

[ He'd agreed to be Shizun's disciple. He'd agreed to meditating and 'coming back with what he thought' later on, but in reality, he's not sure what he should be doing or focusing on.

When he was little and learned to pray, there was always some thought behind it. A prayer to the Absolute God was meant to be a conversation with Her. This felt like it was meant to be much different. A conversation with himself? Or is he meant to just let his mind drift along until it runs into something relevant?

So he sits on his front steps, looking perturbed. His mind is a mess as it is and focus is impossible. As far as he knows, he can't progress without this. So he'll sit, looking like he's angry at passersby when he's really just annoyed with himself. ]

The Charity of Others

[ Now that Sinistra has a housemate that might just stick around, he's feeling a bit... guilty. He's been living in extremely sparse conditions and the only additional items he has in his home are the ones given to him by the likes of his brother and new friends. That doesn't leave a lot available to poor Tsuna who appears to be a fair deal younger than him.

So he's decided to be bolder today. Anyone that decides to greet him will be met with questions about what that person has in their house, what a teenager might need around and where he can find some extra supplies for his resident newcomer.

He's still learning boundaries, so he might get too close, but the earnest glint in his eye is more light than he's had lately. Why not help him out? ]

Down by the Murky Deep

[ When he's got his responsibilities out of the way, he can finally take some time to process the big elephant in the room he's facing right now.

Well, try to process.

He liked to think he hadn't got his hopes up, but with Guren gone, there's a big problem for him and his future. It's hard not despair. It's hard not to be angry at everything. He can't let Dextera see or he'll take the guilt onto his own shoulders.

Sinistra opts to avoid his brother for just a little while, wandering down to the docks where Guren had dredged him up out of the waters after he'd been kicked off. He remembers being cold and miserable, wondering why he'd been saved at all. He'd gone down there to die before he'd learned the truth about everything here, including his own state of existence.

Right now, all those truths feel ambivalent and finite. It's a weight in his stomach that's killed his appetite.

He's gathered rocks in his pockets on his way to the dark, murky sea. He'd been hesitant about coming back to this spot for a while, but right now it feels like the perfect place to think about things.

So he sits in silence with his legs dangling over the edge, slinging rocks and pebbles at the water like he's trying to punish it. The cold doesn't matter a lick right now. ]

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[ Upon coming to Chroma, he has taken to walking around the various districts. There is no great reason for why he does so other than it is better than remaining cooped up in his house. And anyway, there is usually someone about that he can stop to talk to, at least. But also, after the vines started to encroach around the town, he can't help but want to wander about to see if something is out of place. ]

Sinistra? [ Well! I guess I'm not sure! ] Dextera?

[ All the same, he is a little surprised to see him while on his walk (patrol). No, it isn't the surprise to see him, but rather ... he seems a little lost right now. Whether it is one or the other, did he not tell them that he would protect what his disciple loved and his disciple?

He squares his shoulders as he walks down the dock. Stopping a few feet behind him, he holds his hands loosely together. Opening and closing his mouth, he isn't sure what to say first so decides on: ]

What are you doing?

[ Sinistra hears a familiar voice ring behind him. It draws his focus away from the depths and he turns his head to face Shizun. Looking up at him with a hazy expression, still half-lost in his own head. ]

Shizun... I'm thinking...

[ What the fuck?! He keeps the surprise off of his face when he sees that Sinistra appears to be all right. Rather, he no longer looks to be the unfortunate mess that he had come to know. His eyebrows lift just a little as he realizes that that must have been from the fairytale. What sort of dog-shit fairytale has someone look like such a mess?!

But even as he is pleased to know that Sinistra is not in such a dire situation, he realizes that is only true physically and not mentally. The hazy look that the young man has, it ... troubles him. ]

You must be thinking quite heavily.

[ He decides on saying before taking a few steps closer. You didn't end up getting cursed, did you? Are you cursed and trying to think of how to say it! Narrowing his eyes, he looks over him before seeing nothing appears to be amiss. And this bring him back to worrying. ]

Is it all right for me to hear those thoughts?

[ Oh, right, Shizun hasn't seen his unblemished face before. He brings a hand up and covers his mouth, feeling some strange embarrassment over appearing that way at the time. He hadn't realized his face was affected until much later.

But as Shizun asks, he turns his brows down as his shoulders fold inward. Does he want to talk about it? He barely knows this man. He should be less defensive, but it's such a sensitive topic. ]

You don't want to hear it. It's complicated. Should I not talk to you about my task instead?

I do. This teacher does not say things idly.

[ But he decides standing and looming over him isn't helping things. He takes a few more steps forward so that he can sit next to him -- sadly, no legs dangling over the edge for that would not fit his dignified image. ]

So, talk about what you wish to talk about, Sinistra. [ He rests his hands in his lap, staring out toward the waters rather than at the young man. Really, he feels like if he stares too much that may come off as intimidating and forcing his hand. ] If you want to talk about your task, you may.

[ Mmn. ] But if you want to talk about your complicated thoughts, you may.

[ Sinistra turns back towards the water, as well. He's slouched with his hands settled on either side of him. Some small part of him still wants to jump right in and sink to the bottom, but it's not strong enough to force his weight forward. He goes quiet for a long time.

Talking about what's troubling him feels almost useless. No one can fix this, can they? It was a fantastical plan from the start. The dead don't really come back and that watch they found made his existence feel like an even bigger farce. If this is all a delusion, then his whole 'life' here might be no different. ]

When I finally did it right, all I could see was myself standing at the top of the Tower... I could see my brother at the bottom, crying. For once, I tried to console him, but he could not hear my voice.

[ So, we talk about the task. Fair enough.

He does realize that he has also just become Sinistra's teacher so there are things that he can't needlessly touch, and is glad to have given him the choice. Really, the young man seems like someone who would yield if he pushed hard enough and he isn't certain how he feels about that.

Shen Qingqiu hums as he thinks about what is said. I think I already know the answer, but... ]

How did you feel as you saw such a scene play out?

[ He makes an agitated sound in his throat and lets his head droop. This topic isn't better, but it's at least something he agreed to talk about when he became Shizun's disciple. It was part of his training. ]

Helpless, of course. It wasn't an unfamiliar vision, but I felt more desperate than other times.

[ I figured.

Yet he also wondered if Sinistra would have been angry. It seems that isn't the case so he nods to himself. Wasn't he told that the other was dead? What the fuck is that about? I thought that you might have been a sick person that your brother was tending to, but that wasn't the narrative at all?? In short, he is back to almost square-one in understanding but decides to start small. ]

More desperate than usual? Why?

I am not sure.

[ He's not sure what changed that vision so much. What parts of himself had changed to make things feel so different? He's troubled by it. He feels like he's floundering in the 'water' before him instead of sitting on the pier.

He grabs another rock from his pocket and flings it at the dark pool. It sinks without even a skip. ]

Things keep changing.

[ Hm.

He breathes in before lifting to rest his hand on the back of Sinistra's head, lightly ruffling the hair before his hand drops onto the other's shoulder to give him a small half-hug. I feel like I could say, "That's life. Life is always changing." But that doesn't feel right to say. You died and were dead in your world and life continued to change around you. Yet able to see it? How weird. What the fuck is going on in your world? Still... it's wrong to say something like that at this time. ]

Your brother is lucky to have you. You worry so much and think so much about him. What you want... you want to look after him and feel you can't even though you are alive now. [ If the vision that he received is to be understood like that, anyway? ] But this teacher has faith in you. I have faith that even with things changing, you will find a way.

[ But... Sinistra. What about you? Devoting yourself is good as a ... little? Big? ... brother. But what about you? Your own selfish happiness outside of these things? I'll ask in a bit, but I would like you to be selfish for yourself. ]

[ He would have flinched off the touch a few months ago, but today he can accept it quietly. He just keeps his eyes ahead, hands settling into his lap as he listens to Shizun's gentle encouragement.

He shakes his head again. ]

I want to protect him, but I'm not a strong person. I can sense things, but I have no magic. This body is just as weak as the one I had when I was young. I want to be someone he can rely on, but even that... I claim to be that person, but when he's really, truly hurting, I fall apart, too.

Isn't that all right?

[ He softens his tone a little more. His teeth set together as he worries that he sounds like he's coddling him a little too much. Closing his eyes, he changes tactics. Didn't he say he wouldn't pity Sinistra? ]

What I mean to say is that when someone you love is hurting, it is only natural to hurt with them. It's only natural to share in those feelings. If you weren't able to do that, you couldn't say that you loved your brother at all.

[ As someone who grew up in a loving family, and now in his own loving second family with the Cang Qiong Mountain Sect, he could say that with some conviction. ]

To say that you want to be cut off of that to be strong for him, isn't that the wrong way to be viewing things, ah?

No, it isn't.

[ He's the elder brother. Being responsible for Dextera should be a primary focus for him. He is so far from being a good adult... a good brother... a good person.

And, it seems, he has so little time to become any of those things. His shoulders droop and his head hangs while he listens to his teacher. ]

But how can I support him if I'm suffering, too? How can I reassure him honestly?

Because you are feeling his pain honestly.

[ He breathes out slow, sorting out his thoughts. ]

Your brother ... he has been on his own for a long time, if I am to understand what you said before. The world you talk about... the things experiences... I can only barely come to comprehend what it means.

[ Shit's crazy, man. I just want you to know that. ]

This teacher cares about and wishes to support you. I can only understand what you tell me. Your brother and you ... shared in the same world, in the same troubles, in the same things. You understand more than anyone else what he is truly feeling and how he is suffering.

[ Isn't that how he felt when he met someone else transmigrated? ]

I think... it is always better to feel like someone is with you than someone is supporting you.

[ Sinistra might not be looking at him, but he is listening. He takes in every word, trying to make sense of it. It doesn't feel like enough. It doesn't feel like helping or fixing any of what's going on with his brother.

But, Shizun is trying to teach him, right? All the same, it's possible he's trying to be easy on Sinistra. As a man borne out of a religion that fell into pain and self-flagellating guilt, anything that looks like an easy way out seems suspicious.

He ends up shaking his head. ]

Then are we just doomed to suffer together? Will there be happiness for people like us?

Of course, there will be happiness for people like you.

[ Shen Qingqiu does understand that Sinistra is listening and trying to understand. He wonders if he's being a little too obtuse about it. Leaning forward, he props his elbow on his knee and rests his chin on his hand. He stares out at the black waters -- Yeah, I don't fucking trust you, either. -- and thinks. ]

Let this teacher explain, again. [ A soft smile. ] You know more about what your brother is thinking, what he's feeling, why he's feeling what he's feeling, and while you are in pain with him, you have words for him that no one else has. We'll eventually get the knowledge to those words, but you already have them. You already know. You already understand.

The happiness for you two... it will be possible, because you both are not alone. Neither one of you are without someone to that knows. That is what this teacher means is someone is with you versus someone is supporting you. [ Mm. ] Solidarity. That feeling of having someone that is with you... both of you will definitely be able to be happy.

[ Truth time, I guess! ] ... I don't think I can fully understand your world. I will always attempt to listen and understand your pains, of course, but my understanding will limit me from truly knowing.

[ Leaning back, he does rest his hand on Sinistra's shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. ] But I won't give up on helping you. ... rather, I won't let you be without happiness.

[ He's listening. Shizun sounds so wise. As much as he wants to rail against them in his state of quiet despair, he knows they are words of advice meant to comfort him. He's trying without understanding any of it. That would have annoyed him a few months ago, but he's feeling so lonely that the effort alone comforts him.

He brings his knees up to his chest and hugs them, setting his chin on their peaks. His stomach drops inside him as he speaks. ]

But what happens when one of us is alone again? What happens when 'this place' is over and I can no longer support him? Even if we become happy, it's ephemeral... it only lasts as long as our time here will last. Do we have to accept such fleeting joy? What do I do, knowing even if I reach a point where I can support him as a good brother it will all come to a halt when his days here are done?

[ Ah, right. Sinistra said he is dead in his world. Shen Qingqiu could relate as he was also dead in his original world. I had my parents, my brothers, and my sister. I love them very much, but I let them go in my heart. He said his farewells and wished them well in the world he no longer was apart of.

I let them go, because we love each other. Because neither one of us would want the other to be sad. If we couldn't see one another, if we were to be separated by death, I knew that ... they'd want me to be all right. I couldn't promise them that if I clung onto something impossible, so I let them go. His smile turns soft as he knows that is not the kind of advice to give.

You aren't like me. You don't seem like the complacent type. He decides to think of a better answer to the questions that he is given. ]

Even if it may only last for as long as your time here ... I think it's giving you a chance you did not have before. I think you would feel like it was wasted ... that you would have wanted to cherish it more if for some reason you two were separated.

[ A slight pause. ] If you looked back at your time with him, knowing you held yourself back because you felt it was all fleeting, all temporary, wouldn't you feel like you missed out? That you didn't do enough? That you didn't make enough memories?

[ A gentle smile. ] You should cherish your time with him. You should love it in a way that is without fear. Do it for your future self that would regret it otherwise.

[ He's listening again obediently. He just wants to feel better or feel nothing right now. Shizun isn't wrong. He's speaking a truth that Sinistra understands, but his pain makes it so difficult to accept it. Of course, he wants to spend as much time together with his brother. Of course, he should make the most of that time, no matter what it is.

He puts his face in his knees. ]

There is no 'future self', Shizun. The one who said he would save me is gone. I should never have put my faith in him. I should never have believed that I'd have time beyond this place.

[ Record scratch! Hold up there! ]

I have never looked after a foolish disciple before, but what you have just said now is quite foolish. [ He said 'foolish' too many times, but he can't let that go. Though, it is unfortunate someone who promised to save you is no longer here. ]

That person ... you believed in him and you trusted in him. He did not want to go, right? He didn't want to leave you with any of your expectations unfulfilled. Do you not think that he's hurting, too, wherever he is? [ That person cared about you! Don't throw that care away, alright?! ]

If that person is not here, then, it is up to you to carry out the rest, right? You don't seem like you're willing to give up on it, so ... fight for it! Fight for it with your own hands, so you can show that person one day that you carried on the dream that he gave you!

That person... probably only promised it out of an obligation to my brother. He was his lover and that man went home on his own. He broke all his promises despite all his boasting.

[ He doesn't care if he sounds foolish. Guren, he feels, made a fool of him in the end. Even if he played nice and comforted his brother, he was truly angry. Hurt. He'd honestly believed he'd find a way. Obviously, he'd been a fool from the start.

He sits up quickly and whips around to look at Shizun, face screwed up with pain and frustration. ]

How? How can I? I had no idea how he was going to do it at all! That promise might have been his ego and nothing else. I don't have magic or powers like the others here. I don't have the blessing of God. So what can I do to undo my own death? This body and my life... it's all a farce. What I really should have done is continue to deny him. I should have continued on without listening to him... it's so hard to go back, Shizun...

[ Shen Qingqiu doesn't know who Sinistra is talking about, but he feels a little offended for that person's sake. And how much sense does that make? Still... this person cared about the two twins and wanted to do his part for them. I can't help but be a little moved by someone's honest affect and honest wish for someone else!

He breathes in deep.

He doesn't look upset or flinch back when Sinistra whips around to look at him. His expression wants to sink to something like sympathy, but he already promised himself not to fall into the trap of feeling pity for his disciple. You're hurting, but you shouldn't crush a memory that gave you joy because you're hurting. ]

Then you will find your own way and not follow a path that you don't know. And this teacher doesn't believe that you thought of his words as only his ego, and only from his obligation. If you did... you wouldn't have put hope into what he had said to you.

[ He wants to say that he understands because he's dead in his world. But this isn't about him. Understanding is understanding, but trying to one-up someone that's hurting is not understanding! ]

I won't let you go it alone. We'll find a way together. We'll figure it out together. And you will save yourself. I believe that you can do it. The way to figure it out may not be something we know now, but ... we shouldn't give up searching for it.

So, don't go back. Let's keep going forward.

[Xie Lian was just taking a walk through town, contemplating what he could attempt to make for dinner, but. It's hard to miss someone glaring in your general direction, even if they're not necessarily glaring at you specifically...plus isn't that a familiar face doing the glaring?

He detours off whatever aimless route he'd been taking and heads over towards Sinistra instead.]

Is something the matter? You look rather out of sorts.

Mm?

[ He looks up and sees... someone he's yet to meet. Or had he? Or maybe it was one of this brother's friends mistaking them again. It's not uncommon, even these days.

He shakes his head, but his expression remains serious. ]

I have to meditate. It isn't working. But that is not a thing for anyone else to be concerned with, I would think.

[Upon closer inspection, it's not quite the same face--similar, but not the same. That doesn't change his question though, and the answer he receives...well, he's interested, at least.

Xie Lian offers the boy a smile.]

It may not be my concern, but I do have experience with meditation, if you'd like some assistance with it! Though I can understand if you'd rather work at it alone.

Hm... some help would make it go faster. It's different from prayer... I don't know what I should focus on. I have no idea what result I should get from it, either.

Mm, they are somewhat different, it's true. [He squats down on the ground, a polite few feet away.] Meditation is a way to clear your mind, and - for some - is the first step towards focusing on the spiritual over the mundane. [But he's probably not aiming for spiritual cultivation, is he...let's focus on the basics then.]

If this is your first time, I suppose a reasonable goal would be to try to clear away your worries and find a moment of calm. [A beat.] If thinking of nothing is difficult, you can try focusing on a specific word or phrase? Like "rice," or maybe a favorite line of scripture.

[ Sinistra nods along with the explanation. For someone brought up in so much religion, it makes sense. Still, focusing on himself and concentrating on the person he is right now can be troubling. Shizun hadn't specified how deeply he needed to sink into himself, though, had he? It might not have to go that far. ]

Would a sound or a song work?

I'd never considered a song before...it might work, though a simple sound might be better in this case, I think.

Just a sound...?

[ What sound? What word? What verse? All that comes to mind is the ever-present wailing of the tower. That sound had filled his head for so many years. At least it was familiar and easy to dredge up. ]

I think I know what to use... then what?

[Xie Lian gets into a proper meditating position - legs crossed, hands placed palms-upward, eyes closed - as he continues to speak. Just for an example, you know.]

Focus on whatever you chose, and try to empty your mind of all thoughts outside of it. Not letting your mind wander can be one of the most difficult parts of the exercise, but that focus is an integral part of meditation.

[ Sinistra's suddenly perked up as Xie Lian changes position and settles into a very formal and clean pose. He copies him almost instinctively, trying to mimic his exact posture. ]

But if you only think of that one thing, how do you come to some resolution at the end of it?

[He hums thoughtfully at that. Teaching isn't something he's done much of, in his life, and the last time he took lessons on meditation was centuries ago...he smiles at that attempt to copy him though, sitting up a little straighter in response.]

...Meditation doesn't give you a resolution, so much as it gives you a means to finding that resolution. What you gain from it is peace of mind, or a sense of calm. And any problem becomes easier to resolve if you can face it with a calm and focused mind, don't you think?

[Chocolates really aren't so difficult back home: you go to the store, you pick up the ingredients and equipment, you go home and ask Minamoto to show you how to make something that would impress any chocoholic and then you profit from being a psychometer who can easily and perfectly replicate anything.

Here though? She unfolds her bit of paper that she'd found in her basket of ingredients: Pick strawberries. Except it's winter?!

Still frowning, she nevertheless reels back when she nearly walks into Sinistra who looks.... if not happier at least more determined than he normally does?]

Well... have you tried looking at the supply depot? And what kind of teenager are we talking about here?

[ Shiho's always a helpful source of information. He doesn't take her word as gospel, but she's been willing to answer his dumb questions without judgment, so he appreciates her.

As a person around Tsuna's age, he thinks she might have some kind of useful input here, even if she's a girl.

He bites his thumbnail while he thinks. He doesn't know Tsuna super well yet... ]

He seems shy, but nice. A little scared. I would not know where to start there...

[Shiho is pretty sure that Minamoto would be disappointed in her if she didn't take someone's questions seriously, no matter how silly she might think they are. And besides, as far as silly questions go? His are definitely not silly or dumb.

If this was anyone else, she'd be telling him that all teenagers liked strawberries. Preferably from the forest. Specifically during winter.

But this is Sinistra and she always feels like she needs to be more responsible when she's around him if only because she's seen him crunch things that should not be crunched as food.]

How about offering to do something with him? You guys can clean up a room in your house to be his room. Get him things from the supply depot to make it feel more like home. That way you don't have to guess what he wants, because he can pick stuff out.

[ The cleaning is more than possible, but just inviting someone on an outing isn't. Typically, he's the one being dragged along, not the one doing the dragging. ]

I could take him there. I am not so used to inviting people to go places, but since this is more of a necessity...

[ He sounds unsure, but there's a sense of commitment to his tone. ]

Then be honest with him. Tell him you're not used to inviting people to go places and he'll go easy on you if he's nice. [Is it maybe a little bit manipulative? Maybe. But if it works, then it works??]

And if he doesn't go easy on you then you can come tell me and me and your new roommate will have a... talk.

[No one bullies Dextera while she's here.]

It's that easy?

[ He's not sure he believes that, but he will try it. ]

Ah... sure. I will let you know what happens. I just feel guilty. No one else has been there but me this whole time, so I really just never bothered to bring anything into that house.

It's not going to be easy at all. [Being honest is hard, even she knows that.]

But it's good to start your relationship off with honesty, right? And you don't have to feel guilty. You're trying now and there's no such thing as starting off too late.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[open] No promise sweeter than a blood pact.

down by the murky deep

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task one

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charity of others! (and then chocolate)

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