(no subject)

[whereabout]

WHO: Joshua, whoever has the misfortune of wandering by
WHERE: Bluobros house and the rooftops
WHEN: Backdated to the 20th
WHAT: Estelle is gone and Joshua is having the Worst Birthday Ever.
WARNINGS: Emo. Un-merriment. So, typical Joshua.


[ Something feels off from the moment Joshua wakes up.

That icy, logical thought pattern that was so thoroughly drilled into him as a child is already offering an explanation, but that's exactly the explanation he doesn't want to hear, and he stubbornly ignores it and tries to think about something else as he gets up and gets dressed.

(Estelle usually sleeps later than he does. He's a light sleeper, she'd have a hard time leaving without waking him up. On a day like this, especially, she'd want to be right there.)

There's nobody in the kitchen, yet, when he makes his way in.

(And if Estelle would usually wake him up if she tried to leave, she'd definitely wake him up if she did anything in the kitchen. And she's not the type to skip a meal if she can help it.)

He takes a moment to check the cupboards, see if she swiped anything, because if she managed to outsneak him for just one time, grabbed something to eat on the move instead of staying put, and if maybe he's just wrong about the date -

No such luck. There's nothing missing, and one thing that hadn't been there the other day: quite possibly the ugliest cupcake he's ever seen.

Sometimes, there's no way to ignore the voice of reason, even if Joshua would rather take it out back and drown it in the well. Instead, he goes up on the roof, and anyone waking up for the day in Chroma might, if they listen carefully, hear a very lonely harmonica song carried through on the breeze. ]

Comments

[passio]

[ it feels like only just yesterday that estelle offered him exactly the comfort he needed in order to pull him through guren’s unexpected disappearance, and now—dextera can sense that absence, too. he’s all too used to her bustling around the house, even if they never properly exchange words, and when he hears the lonely sound of joshua’s harmonica on the wind, his fears are confirmed. ]

…

[ he stops, waiting for joshua to finish the tune. ]

[whereabout]

[ Joshua's good at picking up when others are near, even if the others are as quiet as Dex. So when he senses he's not alone, he doesn't start another song when he finishes the last one, even if he doesn't actually offer a greeting, either.

Today sucks, this is the best he's got in him. ]

[passio]

[ dextera knows today sucks, even if he doesn’t understand the magnitude of which it might suck for joshua. he knows they were together, in love more than anyone else, but only recently has he come to understand the depth of that relationship.

he sits next to joshua, wordless, but he reaches out like he’s considering taking joshua’s hand. he hesitates. ]

…

[whereabout]

[ Withdrawing into himself has always been Joshua's first line of emotional defense - destructive as it can be (and has been), there's a large part of him that just wants to sit here and stare at the roof tiles and not respond to anything. It's exactly the kind of thing he knows Estelle wouldn't want for him, though, and the desire not to let her down is the impulse that guides his hand to close the distance when Dex hesitates.

He doesn't say anything, but as much as he doesn't want to cling to anyone right now (because look where that gets you), he knows that he should, and she would want him to. ]

[passio]

[ dextera can’t begin to understand the mental gymnastics that his simple gesture has caused in joshua, because the reaching out—and the hesitation—has become as strangely natural to him as breathing. he seeks contact where he can get it, and he’s learning to offer it, too. ]

…

[ for now, this is fine. they’ll sit together in silence, and maybe joshua won’t say anything at all even if dextera prompts him for it, but—dextera wouldn’t blame him. he lived through that loss, except he knows this one may be far more permanent, as the constancy of this town goes.

rather than speaking up, after a little while, he merely squeezes joshua’s fingers. something small. an acknowledgement. ]

[whereabout]

[ He squeezes back without even thinking about it, because as much as he pulls back and tries to hide by icing himself over, Joshua will never truly be able to escape the fact that he's really a tremendous marshmallow. ]

[passio]

[ that’s a good sign.

it’s enough, at least, for dextera to catch his attention to actually sign to him, though it’s stilted on one hand since he’s not ready to let go just yet. ]

Will you… be OK?

[ not is he, not right now, but in the future. ]

[whereabout]

[ The answer to will he be okay is, to be honest, only marginally better than the (obvious) answer to whether he is. ]

I hope so.

[ It's hard to imagine himself being okay without Estelle, when she's the only person who's stood between him and completely self-destructing on his own trauma. ]

[scooptimistic]

[ Maya's usually up early anyway, as much as she'd love to burrow in the covers when it's cold. But for today? She's up and getting her morning exercise in, delayed only when she hears the sound of that harmonica.

... Well. She can't not investigate, and that leads her to the house, head tilted up towards the roof. ]

Hello?

[whereabout]

[ It takes a moment for him to respond, not out of any surprise that someone's there (he heard the footsteps) or at who it is (Maya's voice is quite recognizable), but simply out of the time it takes him to remind himself that he should, actually, be willing to interact with people, because isolating himself is not actually a good coping mechanism.

Still an incredibly tempting one, though. ]

Maya?

[scooptimistic]

Joshua.

[ She doesn't sound too surprised, even if her concern is a thin layer beneath the greeting. Maybe she can tell there's something wrong. Or maybe she's just used to bumping into him when he's not doing so hot. Either way-- ]

Should I come up there?

[whereabout]

If you want.

[ Which, he knows, is hardly in doubt, because if she's decided he needs company she's giving him some no matter what he has to say about it.

She's a lot like Estelle, that way. ]

[scooptimistic]

Yep, I do. Gimme a second.

[ Because scrambling onto a roof is still a tad difficult, but it's something she can manage. Just not. Gracefully. ]

[whereabout]

Sure. I'm not going anywhere.

[ Not with that complete dearth of enthusiasm, he's certainly not. ]

[scooptimistic]

Okay--

[ with a huff, she's made it onto the roof, and now she's regarding him with the air of Sisterly Knowing. Granted, it's hard to look at that lackluster expression and not know that something's up. ]

What happened?

[whereabout]

Estelle's gone.

[ He doesn't meet her gaze. ]

[mcskittles]

[While not the district he lives in, McGillis favors visiting this district over the others, mostly for nosy, personal reasons. Joshua isn't one of them, of course, but when he hears the gentle sound of music in the distance... well, it's time for a little detour. He can't help it—he's the curious sort.

He follows the sound until he discovers the boy on the rooftop. He won't interrupt, of course, but when he's done:]

My, that's a lovely song.

[It's an honest compliment. The note of melancholy doesn't go unnoticed. He doesn't ask (or at least, not yet) but it's not hard to imagine it's probably not a holiday-related song.]

[whereabout]

Thank you.

[ It's a thank you with zero enthusiasm behind it, but the fact that he's answering at all is a bigger step for Joshua than a stranger could realize. He's had no trouble being friendly while Estelle's been here with him, but without her he's all but slammed into a brick wall. ]

[messianic]

[What's up, Joshua? As soon as he hears the harmonica and checks the handles on the network, he knows. It's not hard to figure it out, and...

Well.

That's brutal. Brutal and unfair and a sobering reminder of how fleeting things are here.

Quietly, he climbs up to the roof, using those tips and tricks Joshua had given him before (though it's still very, very slow going), and when he makes it to the top he... kind of wheezes a little.

WHATEVER, IT'S FINE.

Moving over to Joshua's side...!]

... Hey. Joshua-san...

[whereabout]

[ In better circumstances, Joshua would probably take some satisfaction from seeing Minato put those tricks to good use.

But that'll be a thought for a better day. ]

...Minato.

[ Hi. He looks like crap. How's life treating you. ]

[messianic]

[He sure does look like crap, wow.]

... I'm sorry. I... know she's safe at home... but that doesn't make being left behind any easier, right?

[whereabout]

[ There's a long pause before he answers - or rather, starts talking, because the answer to that question is so obvious he doesn't bother with it. ]

I'd be dead, without her. [ Not in a little sense, although they've certainly saved each others' lives that way too, but - ] Every shred of humanity I still have is because of Estelle. She's why I can still smile, she's why I have friends, she's why I can look in the mirror and sometimes manage to think of myself as a person instead of...

[ He trails off. Estelle always hated it when he put words to that feeling. He can practically hear her right now, telling him off and how dare he think so poorly of himself -

He slumps forward, closing his eyes. ]

[messianic]

[Joshua...

Well, Minato isn't Estelle. He won't tell Joshua the same things Estelle would have.

But he does shift, knocking shoulders with Joshua again, though he keeps his eyes out, on the town.]

Maybe that's all true. Maybe you'd be dead without Estelle-san... and maybe she's the reason you can think of yourself that way. She's given you that gift.

[But...]

She isn't here right now... so now it's up to you what to do with what she's given you. What do you want to do with it, Joshua-san?

[whereabout]

[ Somehow, hearing someone else actually say it - she isn't here - that sets him off worse than anything has, and it takes him a moment to choke back on a sob before he can answer.

- and another moment to find an answer. He wants to cry. He wants to tell the world to fuck off. He wants to go be by himself and never talk to anyone again, or at least until he remembers how to rebuild all the walls Estelle spent five years thoroughly knocking to pieces. ]

I don't...want to let her down.

[ That, more than anything. And that means he can't do any of the rest of it. ]

[messianic]

[... Ah.

He hears that choked noise, he sees that look on Joshua's face...

And quietly, Minato just reaches out to wrap an arm around Josh's shoulder, tugging him close, into a one-armed hug.]

... Then you won't. If that's what you want to do... I'm positive you'll be just fine.

[But for now? It's okay to mourn.]