awashlogs | DECEMBER CATCH-ALL LOG

And it's not a yes. [Hm. There's another long bought of silence.]

I don't think this is about if I want to break up, but I am pretty sure this is you wanting to break up before I have the chance to hurt you. And that's fine, but also that's really shitty, Dave. [Just saying.] But...if that'll make you feel safer, then...

[...yeah, he can't exactly say it, mostly since he's not sure that's really the answer to all of this.]

It's not a no, John. You can't say you absolutely don't want to break up with me. And it's kind of about that right now?

[ he doesn't uncross his arms, or move closer, or do anything much. ]

I'd just let you hurt me. You already know that. And yeah, maybe sometimes I'm waiting for it. But am I wrong to do that?

You're picking a fight when I didn't even say anything. [It's mostly exhausted-sounding, but he's already pretty sure it's a losing battle anyway.] And even if I said "gee Dave, no I don't want to break up just because you are frustrating me" I am not even sure you would believe me. You are sort of proving that right now.

[He kind of also just wants to walk away because he's not great with conflict, especially not stuff like this when he doesn't know what to say or how to help.]

You let me hurt you when I'm not even doing anything to hurt you on purpose in the first place, but you still get upset about it, don't talk to me about it, and talk about how you deserve everything people have done to you. Do you honestly think that's healthy? Or fair? It's fucking bullshit and you know it, so yeah, you're kind of fucking wrong to do it. There's no reason to try and compare me to everyone else who has ever hurt you and I get it, okay? I get that it has hurt you, and that it is a part of you, but it's not fair to expect things instead of just letting them happen.

It's. [...man.] Sometimes it really feels like you don't even want me to try and that you've already decided how things are going to go, and I do not think that is what love is. So what do you really want me to say? No, I do not want to break up but I don't want to keep doing this either where you change on me without warning and don't talk to me.

I'm picking a fight because you told me for the longest time you didn't want to erase "me" but the second I'm not happy enough or...whatever, if I'm upset, you decide to make a wish so you could just snap your fingers and erase it any time it happened.

[ which maybe wouldn't bother him if he were the alpha version of himself still? ]

Do you at least get that felt like punching me in the face and I'm kind of sure you meant it to? Sometimes I get upset and it feels like you shut down too because you don't know what to do and you hate - I don't know, you don't like conflict, neither do I, but I'm not the only one who goes quiet sometimes.

[ ...it maybe doesn't matter. there's a sort of quiet belief that admitting to any of it is tantamount to breaking up, because john's not the kind of guy who likes to deal with this kind of thing. they still can't even talk about his dad. ]

No, because it wasn't on purpose, you stupid asshole. [Like. He 100% believes that part since he got caught up in thinking it would just be like going backwards and fixing things and not necessarily erasing even if it's writing over the top of old interactions.

And now he's just kind of pouting because this is so dumb.] But fine, sorry for metaphorically punching you in the face.

[Give him a few minutes to drag a hand over his face a few times.]

Okay. What do you want to do then? Answer me that. [Once that part's addressed they can probably talk about the rest.]

Punch you in the face non metaphorically a little bit, jackass. [ he doesn't even like fighting anyone physically and generally does so on sufferance. ] ...I was already feeling earlier like I wasn't good enough, because of the whole not a girl thing and the part where the last time I dated my best friend they cheated on me for what I couldn't provide them, and you wanting to fix bullshit made it worse. Okay?

[He kind of thinks maybe it's bullshit mixed with some reasonable thought, but sure, he'll fall on his sword just to let it go.

Dave's right; he's an expert at running away from conflict.]

Then do it. [Punch him in the face he means.] I don't care, you were right, I was wrong, can we just...move on? [That's still not the right answer, but he's letting frustration overrule everything.] I already said I didn't mean it the way you took it and I'm sorry I said it without thinking at all. It's not going to happen again.

Edited 2019-01-01 05:52 (UTC)

And that's what I mean by you going silent. [ and also he's about to say john definitely will say things without thinking again but being mean is pointless even if he's honest. ] You don't get to bitch at me for doing things you do right back.

Man, why do you think I do it to you in the first place? This isn't something I started and you know it. [Yes, yes, they're both aware John is thoughtless at the best and worst of times. It's something he'll maybe work on in the future.]

You know what? Fine, you're right, we can move on. Let's go back. [ his tone is completely devoid of emotion this time. bringing up the times john went cold first are dumb and mostly involve whenever death came up so maybe it doesn't count? because that's more serious than dave's everything.

arguing in the middle of the stupid magic forest by a stupid magic bell seems like a bad idea. he doubts john will fail to take the out, deliberately chilly though it is. ]

[He doesn't reply. He thinks it's stupid to ever talk about the death thing to someone who's dead, so he never does. Kind of like he thinks it's stupid to talk about anything serious when it just leads to shit like this.

So. He doesn't reply but he shakes his head and seems to just be staring at the bell like it'll do something else.]

Are you really ready to go back and then not talk to each other for a while, because I kind of feel like that is maybe what we are leading up to and that sounds stupid.

You can't keep switching between talking to me about shit and going nevermind Dave let's ignore it forever if you actually want to talk about shit, Egbert. Those two things? They are completely incompatible. So I don't know, if you feel like not doing that I guess let me know, but for now? I think having a fight in the magical sentient forest that gets weird about emotions is a bad idea.

[ and while he doesn't have a single fuck to give about his own safety it'd be a pain if john got slammed with consequences. ]

[He rolls his eyes and just sort of shrugs it off.] What do you want me to actually say, Dave? When we try to talk about stuff things get worse. When we don't talk about it and just leave it alone, we can kind of pretend it's fine. I don't think that is a great way to handle anything, but at least it isn't whatever this is.

[...] You're my best friend. So why is this so hard?

Maybe because we only ever actually talk to one another honestly once in a blue moon because either you want to avoid conflict or I do, honesty pact or no. What do you ever want me to say? You get mad about me pretending things are fine and ignoring when they aren't but then whenever we try to talk about it because you get frustrated you immediately try to stop talking about it. Do you remember how long it took me to get you to talk to me about how you felt about all of us dying? And how long it took me to get you to let me talk about how I felt about dying to my own best friend? Because I tried a lot, dude, and you blocked me out every fucking time until I basically begged you not to.

[ a pause. ]

It's hard because you don't actually want to talk. You want to fix it with like minimal talking.

[He goes quiet again.]

...I don't know how to talk to you about these things in a way that's actually going to help you, okay? I still don't know what to say to you half the time that will be the right things to say, and I always thought that when I actually got to see you I would know. And I don't.

[...] I'm sorry. I don't know how to be what you need most and I think it bothers me a lot more than it bothers you.

I just wanted you to talk to me back then. I didn't care what you said, I just wanted you to - acknowledge it was a thing, even if you couldn't fix it. But you ignored that I was - am - dead and for a long time it felt like I had to pretend I wasn't and couldn't even - deal with it because you couldn't. I needed my best friend.

[ or a hug or something. ]

And that's my fault? We never fought as kids, John, but you know why, right? You kind of...you ignored anything that seemed too hard and I did my best to never tell you about those things or to make you face them, and we could keep that up here and never argue if that's what you want. But you have to fucking ignore the things that are too hard to face for that to work, and I have to not bring them up.

[ ... ]

Sometimes I don't talk about things because I'm not ready or they're not worth saying aloud, like how it worries me how easy you always fell for girls and how sometimes you sort of - get cagey when you talk about girls or people you like or whatever. Sometimes I don't talk about them because you don't let me, like your Dad or - death, or serious shit. I still want to see your scar, but I haven't asked again because you get...I don't know. And sometimes I shut you out for one of those reasons, or because you say something stupid that hurts but you never mean it so like, fuck me? I'm not a perfect person. I can fake not caring about these things but you - told me not to. There's not...I don't know. I'm always going to have shit that upsets me because that's part of being human. It upsets me more when you act like that's not - like the thing to fix is me getting upset at all, like - we're not going forwards like that, it's just backwards or sideways.

I never said any of that was your fault either. I can at least acknowledge most of this was my own fault. [He shrugs again, unsure of what to say next.]

The point of you being alive here and with me is to make things better. How are things better if instead you're upset because of shit I do? Or if I'm upset about things I cannot actually change? Even if I erase everything, I get a version of you that isn't mine, a version of the girls that aren't mine, and I do not even know if I will get my dad back at all.

[...] But maybe it wasn't great, sure. I get that. And I get I messed up, but how do I fix that going forward?

What you keep asking me to do and then backing out on whenever we start. I think we either have to learn to talk to one another or just...

[ ... ]

You can't be anything for me at all if you can't be there when stuff gets unpleasant and serious, you know? I want to actually be able to talk to you about all of that crap and not have you avoid the topic like burning. That's...what I want in my side. And I guess also for you to not cheat on me but that's more a personal problem.

[...]

I'm not going to promise that I will be since it is clear that sometimes I apparently cannot be. But I want to try. I just do not know if that will be good enough. [A beat.] I don't plan on cheating though, so there's that.

Like...what do you mean by that. [ not the cheating thing. ] John, am I ever going to be able to talk about the death shit with you without it being like pullin' teeth?

Yes. [At least he's honest about that.]

So what things are a no go still?

...I don't really know, Dave. [He's sure there are things, but.] I wish I could tell you, but I do not really know. I want it to be "nothing" though.

Then...what do you want?

[Uh. Hm. He finally looks away from the bell and just jerks his head back a little to gesture for Dave to come closer.]

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