awashlogs | September Catch-all!

I... suppose you could say that.

[ An interest... Yes, he's definitely always been interested in Akira, even from the time they first met-- a high school nobody, standing up against the beloved and famed Ace Detective on television. He was not intimidated, someone Akechi could have intellectual conversations with, then a rival, then a threat. And then they came to this place, and everything had been reversed, with the more than occasional bump along the way.

It makes him wonder, if perhaps their relationship hadn't been reversed all along. The opposite of what it should have been. ]

But, I cannot say with certainty what kind of interest that would be. [ He clasps his hands together, lets them rest on his lap as a sigh wells forth. ] To be honest, our relationship has been anything but straightforward.

[ ~~Or, you know, straight at all.~~ ]

In other words... you feel something for them, but you're not sure what it is. Am I right?

[ this is a problem he's familiar with, although perhaps not personally - at least not in a long time. He has no idea that Akechi is talking about Akira, and he also has no idea just how tangled the relationship in question is... but Lupin doesn't think that has to matter. Love doesn't follow rules or come along on the straightest path; it weaves its own way into you, appearing when you least expect it. ]

That's not uncommon. Emotions are pretty complicated. [ after appearing to think for a few seconds, he nods his head, golden eyes flicking to Akechi's again. ] Well, try thinking about them. What do feel when you see them? Even if it's just picturing them in your head.

[ Akechi nods at that first question, but otherwise remains silent, waiting and hoping that Lupin will help to elucidate his feelings. Not that he thinks he, or anyone else, for that matter, would have simple answers at the ready, of course; emotions truly are complicated.

So when Lupin instructs him to think about the source of all his troubles, Akechi huffs out a laugh, weak and rueful. ]

I feel like I could give you a different answer depending on the day of the week, haha...

[ Because their relationship is unstable, just not more so than Akechi, himself. But, he gives a sigh and folds his arms, eyes closed as he tries to focus on thoughts of Akira-- and that is a thought that's enough to put the slightest frown on his face, annoyed that he's going through so much trouble for that piece of trash. ]

To be honest, as much as I think I have always been interested, I have also always been equally puzzled. For someone without any remarkable traits to speak of, they surely do seem to draw quite a few people to them...

[ Is this a strange way to address the object of your affections? Possibly. But it's also as much of his hatred for (or rather, his jealousy towards) Akira that he can reveal while still keeping his pleasant mask in place. ]

But, more than just people, it's someone who draws a lot of danger to themselves, too. Someone who will put the safety and well-being of others before their own. [ His frown grows that bit deeper, the thin line between his brows more visible. ] More often than not, I find that caring for them is rather exhausting.

[ This sure sounds like a great romantic prospect, doesn't it?? ]

[ He's going to try and elucidate those feelings, but he needs to know what they actually are first! He's no mind-reader. Lupin listens quietly as Akechi speaks, and if he thinks his comments are strange, it doesn't show on his face.

Puzzled, exhausted, yet still drawn to care for them. It's a familiar story - not familiar because he, himself, has experienced it, but because he knows quite a few people like this. To him, it sounds exactly like Akechi has positive feelings towards this person and has no idea how to rationalize them (nor does he realize that these kinds of things can't be rationalized at all.) But he's not here to put words in Akechi's mouth; he's just here to help him find them. ]

Exhausting, confusing, but you stick around this person, anyway?

[ he arches a brow at him, prompting an explanation. ]

[ ... ah, well, he knows that sounds weird, but like Akechi said, his feelings towards Akira are complex, growing more or less intense according to whatever thoughts are currently predominant in his mind. These just happen to be the first thing that came to mind today, and one has to wonder if this isn't a subconscious attempt at sticking to the status quo. Change can be terrifying. ]

Naturally, that isn't all I feel towards them. There's more.

[ And that's even more troublesome to get started on. So with a sigh, he presses on. ]

I enjoy their company, of course. They're someone I can have interesting conversations with, and even though they don't often say much, I feel like we can communicate in our own way. When we're together, we have fun, and I feel at ease to share more about myself.

[ More, but definitely not all of it. And as much as he has begun to open up, he knows Akira still has a lot that he keeps hidden, too, if that incident with a very talkative door is any indication. That's just another part of the issue; there's trust between them, but also too many secrets.

Despite all of that, the answer he gave Akira at the time of his confession does remain true. So it bears repeating, and maybe Lupin will help him realize what it truly means. ]

In the end, I just wish it could always be like that. That this person could always be happy, and never had to fight or get hurt again. I wish I could protect their happiness.

[ And that would make Akechi happy, too. ]

[ well, that certainly sounds like love of some kind, platonic or romantic, and essentially confirms what he'd been thinking before. Akechi finds them confusing and exhausting because he cares about them this much - he's exhausted over worrying about them this much, and confused because he doesn't understand why he worries that much. It's charmingly innocent, really, even if it's a little sad that his first reaction is to push the feelings away and consider them negative rather than embracing that caring. ]

It's one thing to protect someone's happiness - I think we all feel that way towards our friends. That's a form of love all by itself. [ Akechi may be shying away from words like "love" and "romance," but Lupin clearly doesn't have any problem bringing them to the table. ] It's clear they feel that way towards you, too. More than that, though - they want to make you happy. They want to be the one that makes you happier than anyone else around.

[ a pause. ]

Do you want to be special to them like that, too? You said they don't talk much. If you could be the one person they opened up to and shared everything with - would you like that?

[ At the mention of love, Akechi does recoil, albeit only minimally, barely perceptible. It's true he had been avoiding that word, because he's so unfamiliar with it, and because maybe he doesn't want to hold on to the hope that someone could feel so strongly about him. And now that it's out there, he realizes it might be true, for more than one person, even. For all the people who have proclaimed themselves as his friends.

Could it really be that so many people loved him? Did he even have it in his heart to love anyone back...?

But those thoughts are swiftly pushed aside as Lupin continues, and his words (unsurprisingly) resonate with Akira's, back when he said he wanted to make Akechi happy. And as for being special to him, well-- ]

Isn't that... what everyone wants, though?

[ To be the most important person to someone, to be special... It's all Akechi has ever wanted, at least. ]

I mean, it won't necessarily be a priority to everyone, or even important in the exact same measure, but most people would at the very least be happy to know they're loved, wouldn't they?

[ Surely not everyone is as desperate for it as he is, and he may not get feelings very well, but he knows this much is true, right? ]

[ Don't be like that, Akechi! Love is a great thing! ... is what he wants to say, but lupin knows he probably shouldn't tease him too much when he's actually opening up to him of his own volition on such a sensitive subject.

In this moment, he actually reminds Lupin faintly of Cardia - a person just learning how to live as a human and recognize their feelings. The only difference is that Akechi isn't a homunculus; he's a regular human boy, and he's somehow this disconnected from his emotions. Lupin hopes he's just misunderstanding, because if he isn't, Akechi's life at home must be worse than he was imagining. ]

Of course. That's why we make friends and fall in love at all, isn't it? Everyone wants to be loved. Myself included, of course. [ he's not so proud that he thinks he can get by on his own. ] But there's a difference between wanting to be friends with someone and wanting more than that.

[ Lupin isn't terribly off in his impressions, and while Akechi may not be a homunculus, he's still just now learning how to live as a real human, with genuine feelings and closer to his true self. Maybe one day he can be a real boy.

Still, Lupin's words are somewhat reassuring, at least at first; it's good to know he's not quite that badly disconnected from his own humanity, even though a lot of it only works as a source of fuel for despair-- or it used to be. In this place, while there has been plenty of trouble and times of distress, Akechi finds it that he hasn't quite felt so... lost, like he normally would. Maybe it's the thought that everyone else is just as equally lost as he is.

Or maybe it's the fact he's not alone anymore. ]

I know. I'm just not sure what that difference is.

[ And while he's giving this "relying on others" deal a chance, he might as well offer some honesty. He is hoping for some elaboration, after all. But, if he is to make one logical conclusion from everything he's been told... ]

I suppose I should start by figuring out that out. Whether I want to be special to that person regardless of who they are or because of who they are.

[ at that, Lupin's expression brightens, and he nods. ]

See? You're not as lost as you think.

[ that's a pretty common conundrum - discerning the nature of your feelings for someone. He is growing ever more curious about who this mysterious admirer of Akechi's might be, though - especially because he's clearly going through pains not to say their name or even offer their gender (unless it's Cairngorm, but it definitely isn't.) ]

Have you ever... been close to them? Held their hand, or anything like that?

Edited 2018-09-21 19:29 (UTC)

[ Well, making logical deductions is something he's good at-- which is probably why he tries so hard to rationalize his feelings, in a last ditch effort to understand them. The heart, however, doesn't seem to always make a whole lot of sense, as he's steadily coming to realize. ]

I did, once. It was a requirement to complete a quest, though; we had to defeat a chimera while holding hands.

[ He briefly wonders if even that little information would help Lupin narrow down his options; naturally, he also knows about Akechi's powers, so maybe he would assume it could be done by himself, even with only the one hand available? Either way, it doesn't really matter. ]

There have been other instances when we were close, too. [ Including sleeping together, although Akechi wasn't in an entirely sober condition at the time, so he's going to gloss over that for now. ] Although, now that I think about it...

[ A quick pause, as he tries to remember his feelings at the time and process them. ]

We still held hands long after the chimera had been defeated, until we made it out of the forest. I... don't think either of us wanted to let go, at the time.

Hmm...

[ there's a very slight lilt of amusement to his voice - although it's certainly not mocking. No; Lupin just finds this cute. Akechi trying to navigate his way through this is cute, although he's sure it's plenty difficult from his point of view. He didn't want to stop holding hands with this person, and he's still not sure how he feels. ]

I remember that quest - it wasn't for me, but I do remember it. Out of everyone in town, you picked that person to hold hands with, and then you didn't want to stop once you were done? I doubt you did that just to make sure you didn't get separated in the woods.

[ Okay, Akechi is not stupid and he knows exactly what Lupin is trying to get at here. But the problem is, there were certain circumstances at play at the time-- circumstances being, Akechi had been attacked by a werewolf version of Akira, who in turn had been shot to death and later inexplicably revived against all odds.

So, all in all, it was a little awkward. Bit hard to explain, too. ]

That wasn't a calculated move, though. We just happened to run into each other and decided to take on the quest on a whim.

[ Well. Maybe not a whim, but this is where explaining things gets real tricky. ]

As a matter of fact, it was something of a means to an end. At the time, our relationship was hanging on a delicate balance, and for a while I thought we might not even be able to continue as friendly acquaintances. Taking on the quest together was an attempt at figuring out whether or not we could at least still cooperate out of necessity.

[ So while that does disprove the point Lupin was clearly trying to make, it doesn't really change the fact that they were still holding hands long after the quest had been completed. ]

[ It sure doesn't. Circumstances or not, they were still holding hands for a long time. Lupin is pretty sure he wouldn't hold hands with any acquaintance he "just happened" to run into, even if it was for a quest. Judging by the look on his face, he's not even convinced this disproves his point. ]

Nothing about love is calculated, my friend. You can call it a means to an end if you like, but I'd say that probably wasn't the only way you two could have figured that out.

[ it was just... an intimate one. If he asked the mysterious other half of this not-quite-couple, he wonders if they'd have a different view of things. ]

... Well, it's not as if I can tell you how you feel. I'm just trying to give you some things to think about.

September Catch-all!

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