awashlogs | (XIII) Tries to Have a Better July + Others

Hey!

[You know what he didn't expect to see while walking the streets of Ruga? XIII. Specifically, him walking into one of the Ruga buildings. Guren doubts that his call will get him to stop, and so he jogs that way, knocking on the door when he gets up to it.

OPEN UP HE JUST WANTS TO TALK]

[ He's startled by the knocking. Is it someone for his housemate? He's been trying to keep out of her way as much as possible, but he supposes letting someone in for her is fine. He's just trying to retreat to his room. He only went out because he was hungry.

He opens the door slowly, always cautious, and he's glad he did. He remembers this man. It's one of his brother's friends? Does he know Kara, too?

He frowns, looking at him with a deadpan gaze. ]

I'll tell her you're here...

What? Who?

[It takes him a minute to realize that it must be a roommate, and he waves it off, literally, taking a step inside. Uninvited. Hello.]

No, I'm here to see you.

Me?

[ his eyebrows raise, the first emotion he expresses. He's been keeping low, hasn't he? Why come by? ]

Why me?

Because I heard you were in Ruga.

[And by chance, he's found him... If he manages to let himself in just like this, he'll at least shut the door behind himself. He places his hands on his hips.]

So? You saw he was alive, had your little freakout, and now you're hiding away? Or is it something else?

I'm keeping my distance. Is that bad? I hurt him.

[ he crosses his arms. It seems logical to him. ]

What else am I supposed to do?

What kind of question is that? You're supposed to not hurt him.

[Ugh, this is awkward in a handful of ways, and he realizes that... he hasn't introduced himself. He's aware XIII doesn't have a name, so that's even worse.]

Look. My name's Guren, and I care about your brother. I'm not so blind as to think that you don't. [He lifts a hand from his hip to run through his hair briefly.]

By being apart, you're hurting him, too. Don't you know that? There's gotta be plenty you two can talk about.

I'm not avoiding him completely but... we need space between us. It hurts but we need it.

[ he sighs and starts pacing a little in place. Did his brother send this man? He's not the type to have others do things for him. ]

I'm glad there are people to worry about him. But knowing what I did, I'm surprised you chose to come here and ask me to see him.

Both of you need to fix this, for yourselves and for each other.

[Interesting to know that XIII can acknowledge needing space, though. Guren can't say he disagrees with that, either.]

And I won't let you hurt him again. [That's more serious, threatening, but he's not moving to do anything about it.]

I'm not saying you need to go back to being attached at the hip. That's not right, either. But he probably needs you to talk to him and explain the space.

We do but it's not simple...

[ he doesn't like that he has to explain himself but he's trying to behave. ]

If you think that I'll try to protest that claim, I won't. He won't protect himself. That's part of the issue.

[ he chews at his lip a little, irritating the scabbed over hole he'd but through it. He doesn't like blaming his brother for any of this, but... ]

He won't accept I'm my own person. He won't accept I'm not just a piece of him... because of that, he won't reject me and because of that, I can't feel whole either. Talking to him doesn't work if he won't hear what he doesn't want to hear.

Maybe I can help.

[Maybe it seems out of nowhere, or odd, but Guren offers it up completely seriously anyway.]

He didn't like it when I told him the same thing, but after a while, he stopped looking so upset and calmed down. After everything he's been through... it makes sense that he can't let go so easily. But I don't think it's impossible.

[ He leans towards Guren, arms still cross, and looks at him seriously. It is a suspect offer. His brother is stubborn about his beliefs in ways that seem impossible for someone as timid as he is. ]

How close are you to him... that you think your words can convince him?

[ It's not Guren's fault, but people tend to get close to his brother to manipulate him and use him for their own gain. He has difficulty believing in the goodwill of others because they've just never been shown it before. ]

[Honestly, his gut reaction is to want to push XIII's face away and tsun about this, but thankfully he can control himself. He does huff a little, sliding his gaze to the side, but his answer is serious and firm.]

Closer than anyone else here.

[Barring XIII, he thinks. Though he's sure Dextera would have issue with it, Guren still thinks that if forced to choose, he'd be the one who loses in this.]

[ XIII leans back on his own. That's too vague to settle his nerves about it. For now, he keeps his concerns to himself. He'll have to keep an eye on this one.

He might not trust himself right now around his brother, but it doesn't mean he'll trust everyone else here with him either. ]

You're welcome to try... it's for his own sake, not mine. He can't get better if he keeps seeing me as a means to an end.

[ And XIII is so desperate to just be acknowledged as a person. A real, living person that has his own identity and worth. He's tired of being thrown away. He's tired of his brother trying to 'devour' him to fill himself to the brim.

He frowns and crosses his arms tighter, looking down at his feet. ]

And what do you want?

[He's quick to continue, lifting a hand to gesture with his words.]

Not in general, I mean. I got that much. What do you want out of this place? It's not the best place, but considering you have your life, and your own body... You could do whatever you want with it, to a point.

[ That's quite a question. What does he want? When did anyone care? When did he ever think of wants outside of wanting to stay by his brother's side forever?

He shakes his head and his voice gets quieter. What is there to want? He doesn't even know what a life outside of a hospital bed could be. ]

I don't know....

[That certainly makes sense, with all he knows.]

Just remember that you have time to figure it out. A lot of people here might have mistaken you for Dextera, but as long as you corrected them, then you can make your own friends. You can have your own name.

I'm just some guy you don't know, but I try to help everyone that I can around here. We're all dealing with this together, like a family.

[ Guren sounds so confident. XIII can't share the sentiment. He doesn't know how to make friends. He wants to be his own self, but he doesn't know how to be around anyone but his brother and Alice.

Will people really accept him? Will he get that chance? He's not sure. His brother has endless faith in the people who reach out to him. XIII can only pull back for fear of betrayal. ]

I'm not as useful as him and I'm not as kind. I wouldn't be so sure... but I'll help out with the quests here, at least. I at least don't want to just sit around forever.

Now you're the one bringing him up when I'm talking about you. You're separate, so stop comparing yourself to him.

[That's the first thing standing out to him, anyway. He crosses his arms now.] I wasn't asking about how useful or kind you are. None of that matters. There are countless people here who are kinder than you can imagine.

I'm not saying anyone's expecting you to drop all of your defenses and let them in, but you'll have a chance to get to that point, at least. I live in this district, too, so you can let me know if you ever need help with anything.

[ Ah. He got scolded. He's immediately sulking about it. Unlike his brother, who listened to every rant the Archangel had about him, XIII brushed right past him. He's not as used to being chided. ]

Well, I don't know what does matter, so you'll have to bear with me. Usefulness is all that matters where we're from. And not just for us.

[ He'd observed the Order of Malkuth within the Tower. Being useful to the Archangel was everyone's goal. Knowing what he knew, he rejected that idea, but still the idea of having 'use' was ingrained in him. ]

From the way you talk, everyone relies on you already. I won't lean on you, too. I don't want to rely on anyone... I'd rather become stronger so he can rely on me and I can stand on my own. I'm the older brother. That's the way it should be.

[Ah, sass. He's fine with that. It helps him, a little, in how to deal with this.]

You're wrong. Family is supposed to rely on each other. [This hypocrite] Be strong and let him rely on you, of course, but you need to be able to rely on him, too. The same goes with me. Plenty of people rely on me, but I rely on all of them, as well.

Sometimes I screw up, and I need people there to help me out. That's just how it is with anyone, with anything.

I don't want to rely on him. Everyone relies on him. He has no one to rely on. I saw so many times when he had to struggle all alone how much it hurt. I could feel it in our heart. So, I don't want to do that to him. I want to share his burden. It was supposed to be mine, too.

[ He's very serious about this. He's not sure if there's a way to really express how much weight had been on his brother's shoulders. Even if, during that time, he had felt even more resentment, he also felt his pain. Watching was all he could do then. ]

If I screw up, I'll deal with the consequences myself.

You're a real pain in the ass.

[Guren grumbles it, lifting a hand to bring it down very lightly on XIII's head. Thwomp? It's a tap more than anything.]

He has people he can rely on here. You're behind on things. Aside from all of the friends he has here, he has me. [Guren tilts his head a bit.] I'm not saying he doesn't need you, too. But I'm saying you can relax a little.

He's been happy.

[ He takes the thump on the head in stride, though maybe his reaction is a little too lukewarm to be satisfying. He just doesn't know how to process the gesture.

It's good that his brother has other people, but he has to swallow down some disgusting part of him that's jealous about it. He hates how conflicted he is about everything. Nothing is easy right now. ]

I know I'm behind. I know that, goddamnit... [ He grumbles out his short protest, using words he remembers one of the people outside the tower used when speaking to his brother.

He sighs and fiddles with his sleeve, looking awkward. ]

I'm... If he's really been happy, I'm relieved.

He'll be happier when you're happy, too. If you're really going to be doing quests, then you'll get to know people. You'll see how they are.

[It'll be good for him, he thinks.]

Try not to go drown.

I'm going to assume that means the quests can't be done solo.

[ He's not used to working with people, really, but if his brother can learn to, he supposes he can, too. It just won't be easy. He tries to push through and get things done. Other people probably have a little more attachment to living through a mission than he does, too. ]

There's no point in doing it on purpose now.

[ He wants to smack him... but he doesn’t know him well enough. ]

No, they can’t. This whole place seems designed for getting closer with others. You might as well get used to it.

I don't have a choice.

[ He looks down. It makes him anxious, thinking about getting closer to people who aren't Dextera. ]

It's been... it's been maybe ten years since I could talk to anyone else. And then, all at once, this place, it-- mm...

[ He can't explain it, really. It's not bad, but he doesn't know how to do it. How to talk to people the right way. ]

[Guren's expression softens a little more, and he looks somewhere else, like averting his gaze might help with the strangeness of dealing with it all.]

...I have no idea what it must be like. You aren't used to the world like this. Dextera explained plenty to me, but that's nothing like living it.

[So... he gets it in that he's sorry he doesn't get it, he's trying his best. He's being weirdly nice here, compared to how he was on the docks... But, again, he's an entirely different person right now compared to then.]

Life is complicated to begin with. Sometimes it's hard to be alive. It hurts, it's a pain, everything sucks. But you just have to keep going, until you find something that makes it worth it. People that need you. I don't think your position makes that any different.

[ XIII wants to shut off, but he keeps listening because he needs to. Unfortunately, this man is his connection to his brother right now. He wants to see him. He wants to hug him and apologize a thousand times or more. Apologies won't wash him of any of this, though so... letting Guren talk to him is the closest he can really allow himself to get.

He doesn't want to think about the pain of life. Alive or dead, it's all been pain he's slowly come to terms with. All that peace has been upheaved, here, and the worms beneath have wiggled out into the light.

It's going to take time. He realizes he has work to do again within himself. ]

... I didn't thank you for saving me. On the docks. Even though we can't die here, I still owe you thanks.

Did I save you?

[In that casual tone, and with the way he glances up at the ceiling in thought, it seems like a philosophical question more than anything else. He's got a hand on his hip, and the other hangs at his side as he considers that.]

Well, you don't have to thank me. Just don't get careless again.

(XIII) Tries to Have a Better July + Others

Some time after he talked to Dex about that Brother Fight

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