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awashlogs2019-07-20 07:56 pm
whitelotus) wrote in awashlogs2019-07-20 07:56 pm
Entry tags:
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WHO: Shen Qingqiu, Luo Binghe
WHERE: Binghe's house in Ruga.
WHEN: Nowish?
WHAT: Meeting up because someone can't say no to an invite when offered.
WARNINGS: None yet.
[ Binghe would be a liar if he said he wasn't nervous. How could he not be? He's meeting up with his teacher, the one he saw only days ago back home! Only this time it's a whole lot stranger; this place is different and full of unique individuals and a few days has already felt like a few months. Now Binghe has his own house (somehow) and for the umpteenth time he gives the floor a quick sweep, glancing around to cast a critical eye over the whole thing. It looks clean, he's done nothing but dust and sweep the place to within an inch of his life yet even now Binghe wonders what he's forgotten. He even gives the simmering congee another stir, silently wondering just how badly this whole thing is going to go.
The track record of meetups between the pair of them these days is not the best. Twice Shen Qingqiu has died right in front of Luo Binghe and the third time was moments before arriving in this place, leaving his Shizun in the incapable hands of one so-called parental unit and a snake. That alone would have anyone nervous yet the gravity of it all is also a concern. Shen Qingqiu is from years ago, hasn't seen or heard a lot of the things that has happened. The half-demon knows it's not quite a second chance as nothing has truly changed, but it's an opportunity, a respite from the madness of their own world to try and figure everything out. Being on his best behaviour is an absolute requirement and not for the first time Binghe fusses with the sleeve of a robe, able to look as nervous as he feels whilst no-one else is around. Gone is the cold expression, replaced with a silent fretting that most could identity with.
Right, it's time to just wait, wait and see what happens. His fate is on an edge right now and Binghe quietly hopes it doesn't fall over that edge. Not again.
Without a word Binghe stands next to the door of his house, every so often peering a little out of the nearby window to keep an eye out for anyone walking up. Even then when someone knocks, Binghe will be sure to count to four before answering the door, not wanting to look like he was waiting like some forlorn prom date waiting for their partner.]
WHERE: Binghe's house in Ruga.
WHEN: Nowish?
WHAT: Meeting up because someone can't say no to an invite when offered.
WARNINGS: None yet.
[ Binghe would be a liar if he said he wasn't nervous. How could he not be? He's meeting up with his teacher, the one he saw only days ago back home! Only this time it's a whole lot stranger; this place is different and full of unique individuals and a few days has already felt like a few months. Now Binghe has his own house (somehow) and for the umpteenth time he gives the floor a quick sweep, glancing around to cast a critical eye over the whole thing. It looks clean, he's done nothing but dust and sweep the place to within an inch of his life yet even now Binghe wonders what he's forgotten. He even gives the simmering congee another stir, silently wondering just how badly this whole thing is going to go.
The track record of meetups between the pair of them these days is not the best. Twice Shen Qingqiu has died right in front of Luo Binghe and the third time was moments before arriving in this place, leaving his Shizun in the incapable hands of one so-called parental unit and a snake. That alone would have anyone nervous yet the gravity of it all is also a concern. Shen Qingqiu is from years ago, hasn't seen or heard a lot of the things that has happened. The half-demon knows it's not quite a second chance as nothing has truly changed, but it's an opportunity, a respite from the madness of their own world to try and figure everything out. Being on his best behaviour is an absolute requirement and not for the first time Binghe fusses with the sleeve of a robe, able to look as nervous as he feels whilst no-one else is around. Gone is the cold expression, replaced with a silent fretting that most could identity with.
Right, it's time to just wait, wait and see what happens. His fate is on an edge right now and Binghe quietly hopes it doesn't fall over that edge. Not again.
Without a word Binghe stands next to the door of his house, every so often peering a little out of the nearby window to keep an eye out for anyone walking up. Even then when someone knocks, Binghe will be sure to count to four before answering the door, not wanting to look like he was waiting like some forlorn prom date waiting for their partner.]
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The very idea that Luo Binghe is from the future, and not only that, has probably been tearing apart his future self! What was that about a mausoleum?! He can only imagine how unhappy that Luo Binghe is in knowing that he's fine!! Not only that, he can only imagine how unhappy it makes Luo Binghe that there are people that think well of him!
Sweat runs down the back of his neck. He feels like he protected those people as best as he could by saying that he has no friends and no one really knows him. Shen Qingqiu hates to think that he's taken major steps back but he also hates the idea of causing trouble for people, okay?! The situation's changed and everything is FUCKED!
If this was Luo Binghe from just coming from the Abyss, he might have felt there was a chance to reconcile. But this is Luo Binghe from the way future!! By now, he has few dozen sisters and blackened "Shen Qingqiu's" reputation throughout the cultivation world!!! What exactly can he do to get him to accept his words?!
I am well and truly FUCKED! He thinks that he should tell people where he is going so that if he doesn't return in so-and-so time that they come rescue him. But this is the protagonist!! That's sending little lambs into a lair of a dragon!! No way!! No way!!! He refuses!!
So, he bites the bullet. He breathes in deep and he knocks on the door. Trembling on the inside and cool on the outside. His bullshit calm expression fixed firmly on his face. ]
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Right. The door. Binghe takes a deep breath, counting to four (just. as. planned!) before making a move to open it. The whole thing only takes a few seconds yet for Binghe it feels like an eternity and when he claps eyes on Shen Qingqiu it's as if the entire world stops in place. He's perfect; sure the guy looks a little younger but then Luo Binghe isn't sure if that's his own imagination or not. Years aside, Binghe takes the moment to notice that his Shizun looks somewhat healthy, almost well. This place must treat it's inhabitants okay if this is what a few months will do.
Luo Binghe snaps himself out of his thoughts, expression reigned in to the usual, cool default that the majority of back home see. It's just a shame said expression is also the kind one would see on someone's face when they couldn't give a damn, a cold demeanour that gives absolutely nothing away as Binghe steps to one side to let his teacher walk in.]
Shizun, thank you for visiting. [ Also please don't look behind the door as you walk in, Shizun. You'll otherwise see how your student's knuckles have gone white as he clings to the door as he does his best to not make any sudden movements that could incite a random death!]
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He feels like his legs are turning to jelly; honestly, he's impressed that he's able to keep standing at all. Inside his heart, he feels tears prickling the corner of his eyes and his chin trembling. Luo Binghe is a person that he feels responsible for, is a person he feels an immense sense of guilt about, is a person that he's absolutely terrified of from the bottom of his soul, and a person that he can arrogantly say that he cares about.
It's an awful mix! It's all an awful mix! He doesn't like it at all! He really doesn't like it at all!! His face, however, is able to hide all of these feelings. So, he thinks. Even if his expression is calm, the pallor of his skin turns pale and sickly as his nerves feel that much more on edge. ]
You've said that many times. That means that you still consider yourself part of Qing Jing Peak? [ He breathes in as he takes a step forward. He almost breaks down crying as soon as he crosses the threshold to enter the house. ]
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All in all the whole thing is pretty unremarkable; the house is the standard, cookie cutter layout they all are when someone moves in. Between Binghe and Kasen they've managed to clean it up nicely but as for personal touches they have yet to come, Binghe still uncertain as to if he'll be staying long enough to consider it.]
What else should this one call you? Shizun is Shizun. [ What kind of question was that even? Wait, is he about to be let go as a student, told to leave, never come back and to never consider Shen Qingqiu in the same way again? If anything Binghe's expression is even colder as he tries to steel his nerves and act the perfect host, offering the other somewhere to sit.]
Do they give everyone here places to rest?
[ A question Binghe already knows the answer to, but it's best to ask, anything to help with the uneasy tension that seems to be seeping in to his very bones.]
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Noticing the gorge marks, he cannot help but feel like Luo Binghe is attempting to hold himself back from ripping him apart. Right, right. You first have to get everyone to agree that's the right thing to do, so you can't do it right away. I get it. It's frustrating. Hang in there!!!
His fan snaps out to cover the lower half of his face as he lifts his hand to wipe underneath his chin. He felt sweat starting to form and drip down. It's a cold, cold sweat. He really feels dizzy and wonders if he's going to be all right. ]
I would have thought ... 'Shen Qingqiu' would be what you would wish to refer this one as. [ It's polite and very much keeping back from what we were, yes? I'm saying that you don't have to force yourself! People will understand! Please don't force yourself anymore than you need to, okay, Bing-ge?
His legs really feel like any second they are going to give out. He walks with elegance, however, until he takes his seat. Thank goodness. If I had to walk much further, I fear I might have crumbled to the ground. His heart feels like it is beating fast yet his skin feels cold. What is that all about?! ]
Mmn, it seems so. I suppose that is better than having us fend for ourselves out in the wilderness. [ Shen Qingqiu lifts and shoves another death flag on himself. Didn't that very thing happen to Luo Binghe when he was tossed down into the Abyss?! His head slightly turns away -- long hair falling partially over his face. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! ]
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Maybe it is because they wish to keep us content before asking us to do their bidding. That is the kind of thing this one heard when arriving, things about "quests" and "missions" to do things that restore colours.
[ It's a bizarre concept and no matter how many times Binghe thinks it through it's still weird and that's coming from someone who can officially wear a hat that says "seen some shit". Binge is completely unaware of his teacher's train of thought that hurtles towards impending doom, but he does note how pale the other seems to be turning, the flick of a fan that is often used to save someone's dignity. So be it. It's fine.]
Does Shizun — [ The young man pauses, words sticking in his throat. He had been of the mind to just ask about the half-demon thoughts, to just put it out there in the open and be done with it. Shen Qingqiu had mentioned someone else as a half-demon and not choked on the words and yet somehow Binghe can't get his own out. What if his teacher still can't come to terms with it? It had been years back home and was still a problem so what's changed now?? Nothing?? Abort, change course! Anything to avoid this disaster!]
Does Shizun want something to eat? This one was making food for the house but there is already too much.
[ Nice save! If Binghe could clap himself on the back he would. Instead he's going to just casually open a window to let some fresh air in. So much for "Shen Qingqiu".]
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[ He closes his fan to set it down on the table. His hands rest on his lap, one over the other. Shen Qingqiu can only hope that he looks tranquil at at ease, because his fingers are vibrating against one another as he attempts to keep from trembling all over. ]
But ... restoring color to this world should also allow us to return to our own. That is what the general consensus is. Even though I have no connections with anyone, there is no reason to drag one's feet on the matter.
[ Which is to say, he's doing his best and will attempt to have them return to their world. No reason to hurry in torturing and kill him, okay? Please attempt to remain calm and not suddenly do something that they both will regret, okay?!
He keeps himself from making a sound at hearing 'Shizun.' Really, you really want to keep calling me that?! I said it was fine. Did you think I was -- well, of course. The original goods always did double-talk, so when I say that it's fine, you think that I'm attempting to get away with something and won't let me do it, huh?
Lifting his hand, he rests it against his forehead as though he has a slight headache. I'm really just trying to be courteous and understanding here. Please stop making things difficult!! At the question of if he would like anything to eat, he can't say that he's against it. That is -- he knows that Luo Binghe isn't one to poison someone's food.
Especially not mine. He would rather it be a slow process rather than something fast. Even if dying by poison could only take a few minutes, Luo Binghe would want to drag out his pain for years and years!! That's just how it is!!]
Since it will not trouble your home, I am willing to eat. I did agree to eat with you in the first place, did I not? [ I'm not trying to get out of it! Are you trying to say that you think I think you're beneath me and I won't eat! Don't think such awful things right off the bat!! ]
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It's suspicious but not brazenly so. Had this been a demon there would have been some telltale sign (that or they would have shown up by now to brag as often was the case).
But first, food! Food is the great equaliser and when Shen Qingqiu agrees Luo Binghe can barely hide the smile on his face fast enough. Before anyone can argue or intervene he serves up a bowl, not bothering to get some for himself as he takes a seat opposite.
This? This is fine. This is something to be thankful for. No demon attacks, no stray parent figures making a mess, just a teacher and his student having a quiet afternoon with some congee. There's even some roasted meat on the side ( though as to what it is remains a mystery) and Binghe knows that right now it would be nothing more than a mistake to start opening old wounds. Perhaps in text later will be better.]
Hmm. Coming here, I got to meet a lot of people on arriving who explained a lot of things. Many of them also had good things to say about you. [ And Luo Binghe it seems. Not that Binghe is going to bring that up, it's all just really weird right now. As each minute passes the cold and frosty demeanour is starting to defrost, instead leaving one very earned and confused looking young man. Shen Qingqiu hasn't exploded yet, he hasn't died in a freak accident, perhaps today is the day they can have a conversation without someone dying????]
This place holds Shizun in very high regard and it makes this humble one glad.
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In his heart, he is waving his arms around as he can only assume that the smile and the fond words are the most extreme double-talk that he has ever heard. How is it that Luo Binghe can say something that sounds nice like that?! Shen Qingqiu knows for certain that as he's saying it, he's meaning the exact opposite!!
Like: "How dare you make everyone think so fondly of you when you threw me into the Abyss. Don't you know that your real state is being nothing more than a human stick to be tortured by me?! How are you getting so conceited because of just a little luck came your way?!"
His eyes shut as he attempts to calm down. ]
This one is only attempting to properly represent Cang Qiong Mountain. If that means that people think a certain way, that is fine. However, it is not my way to seek out high regards from anyone. [ He clears his throat. ] So, please don't take their words too much to heart.
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It's just that there's something off, something not quite right as if one note in a song has been played wrong. Binghe can't put his finger on it and being new to this place makes him realize he's on the back foot here. Maybe it's to do with the years of missing information between them? Could that make things stranger than they ought to be?]
Apologies that the Congee is not up to the best standard; this place is low on ingredients for the near duration. [ At least Binghe managed to get some green onions through foraging earlier or said Congee would have gone out the window.]
Hm. One called Pyra was very insistent that I speak with you and from their words they seemed to believe they were friends with you. This one is not unbelieving of Shizun's words, just trying to understand.
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[ His hands really feel like they're going to start shaking uncontrollably. He wonders why he thought that he could do this. He really wonders what mad idea that he had that he could handle this! Luo Binghe is just thinking of how he wants to kill him, while he's just trying not to die! Their goals absolutely are not lining up with one another!
He lifts his head up a little at the name "Pyra." Shen Qingqiu remembers vaguely what she said to him when he had the flowers in his hair. A lot of his braincells were on the fritz but he remembers.
Breathing in deep, he ladles a heaping spoonful of congee into his mouth. Yes, he still has the unfortunate habit of eating while his mind is preoccupied. So as his mind thinks about how he is going to explain to Luo Binghe everything that needs to be said. He suddenly is eating the food and smiling a little at the taste.
Even if it isn't the best, the flavor is familiar. ]
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Still, it's now very quiet and Luo Binghe wonders if he should say something or not. Normally it would be rude to interrupt a teacher when they're busy doing something else but then people keep constantly reminding him that this place doesn't exactly adhere to said positions. Even Shen Qingqiu had mentioned it mere moments ago when it comes to names.]
Do you think you would go home if they offered it?
[ A heavy question for sure, but Binghe is curious and asking about the "friends" doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.]
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On the one hand, he can't just leave matters as they are. If he does, it is going to cause a huge fuss that won't be anyone's fault but his own. What is going to happen in two more years when Luo Binghe returns only to find the person he wants to exact vengeance on is nowhere to be found in the world? Wouldn't that mean that a lot of trouble would come falling down on Cang Qiong Mountain? Wouldn't that mean that the very thing he hates doing -- causing trouble for others -- would definitely happen?! ]
I would return if it is offered.
[ This sort of question definitely derails his other thoughts. It absolutely derails it. He feels like he's on the edge of a knife and if he doesn't say that he won't run, he'll be torn to pieces right now. See. You can wait to torture me as soon as we go back. That's a good compromise, isn't it?
He takes another absentminded bite before his spoon scoops the inside of an empty bowl. Ah, really... That bad habit of his is really bad!! ]
Luo Binghe, I have something to say. [ Aaaaaaaa!!! This may be the only time to say it!! So no matter what shape my body is in, could you go easy on it?! ]
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He gives a small nod at the answer, as if understanding it completely. There's no comment or thought on the way his Shizun finishes the food either, all Binghe can see is someone enjoying what they've been given. Nothing bad about that!]
Something to say?
[ Damn, so soon? Binghe can feel his skin crawling at the idea of what could be so serious. Is this where Shen Qingqiu tells him to go away? To not talk to him? To keep his half-demon self away from everything he holds dear? Just thinking the words has Binghe's heart hammering in his chest, eyes widening slightly as he stares like a rabbit caught in the headlights. He should do something to cut this off immediately but trying to think of something is proving difficult with so much anxiety starting to take hold.
Shen Qingqiu agreed to food so he could break up with him! Binghe should have known it was to good to be true!]
More food?
1/3
Sweat rolls down the back of his neck. He can't help but take that expression as someone who is attempting to keep good relations but on the edge of wanting to kill the other that's sitting with him. You'd get to fulfill a quest, at least. He wants to kind of laugh, but he doesn't. He can't laugh at this situation -- even in his heart, he can't. ]
No.
[ Honestly, if he takes another bite, he might end up ill!! The food is great!! The taste is something he remembers fondly!! The fact he has the gall to say that he remembers it fondly is a whole mess that he's not going to get into at all!! This sort of thing isn't one that he's certain that he can handle as his struggles to find the means to say anything.
Listen, about the Endless Abyss, I felt terrible about it. ]
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He realizes that his entire brain is crying and he can't do anything about it. But he thinks that he should attempt to say something better than, "Hey, from the bottom of my heart, my bad."
Just thinking that he nearly blurted something like that out makes him lose at least ten years of his life! He just wants to properly say that he didn't want to do it, that he has been feeling guilty about sacrificing Luo Binghe's happiness for his own life. But the happiness he felt with Shen Qingqiu is nothing compared to what is going to come -- wives, power, titles!
But if he words it like that, it sounds like he's doing him a favor! How is that a favor?! It absolutely can't be seen as one! Even if things worked out the way that they worked out, it doesn't mean that it wasn't a shit thing to do, okay?! ]
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Luo Binghe, you certainly must have questions for me.
[ This is such a fucking cop-out, but I can't say what I want to say! ]
Right?
1/2
That single answer, in all it's one syllable glory, has just about destroyed any chance Luo Binghe sees as a means to escape. Curse it, curse the food for not being glorious enough to distract even his teacher from speaking about something serious! (Next time Binghe knows he'll have to find even better ingredients).
Wait, questions?]
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Binghe can feel his mind reeling from how open ended the question is and after a good solid thirty seconds of silence he blurts out the first thing he can manage, immediately cringing inwardly when he hears the words.]
Are you going to leave again?
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He can't recall when he has left the first time. This must be something that's happened in the past few years? Please let me in on the context?? Shen Qingqiu isn't sure how he can answer that one.
Like run? You're asking me if I'm going to make a break for it? Maybe?? I can't promise I won't! If you try to kill me, I'm not going to just sit around! But wait! Don't take that anger out on others. I have no idea how to interpret that question. I honestly thought you'd ask something else so now I'm regretting my decisions.
Allowing the same amount of time to pass, he finally decides on: ]
No. I won't leave, again.
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The relief is almost overwhelming. No plans of running nor plans of death Binghe knows he can at least breathe. Everything else is workable and yet he's wondering what all of this is about. Something is still in the air, an unspoken question mark that Binghe can't seem to figure out.]
Good. [ Maybe Shizun wanted to ask something and decided to put the offer forward first? That way it makes it more polite than to simply ask? Not for the first time Luo Binghe admires just how smart the man in front of him really is.]
Does Shizun have anything to ask of this one? Ask anything!
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Shen Qingqiu cannot help but feel like that response is really frightening. So much so that he wonders how much his panic-ridden mind is going to remember of this lunch at all. Between his fingers, he can feel sweat forming. His heart continues to beat so fast and he feels a terrified energy run through to his very core.
The fact that everyone speaks to you in bright, bright ways doesn't help anything! I can't help but fear that you're thinking I'm shit-talking you behind your back, or trying to win your favor through others! His hand lifts to touch the side of his neck as he turns his gaze away in thought, or well, attempting to look like he's thinking.
Are you still mad at me? That has to be the stupidest question that he could ever think of. Could you ever forgive me? That one is even worse!! Does he deserve forgiveness? 9 out of 10 people in this fucking town seems to think so. And I'm really trying to forgive myself, too, you know?! But it's a process! It's a process. Little by little, I'm trying... yet seeing you, it makes me feel like I shouldn't have thought about it at all!
He swallows. A question? ]
Are you ... happy?
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There's no way out and it's all Binghe can do to sit and not just blurt something stupid out again. Is he happy? No! No he's not! the love of his life can barely look him in the eye let alone pay attention to him, all because of some unimportant stuff that Binghe can't change. If he could tear the demon half of him out with his bare hands he would do so without a second thought.
He likes to think he's happy in moments like this, when they can actually talk and have zero interruptions. But they don't last, they never do and the young man spends his waking time torn between wanting things to go back to how they were and not doing anything in fear of ruining the very little there is. And what there is isn't much to write home about when he has to kidnap his teacher just to be able to talk!
Just what will Shen Qingqiu think when he realizes that at some point Binghe is going to need to dump a load of energy somewhere? What kind of a conversation would that be??
He should lie, say yes and be done with it. Binghe even opens his mouth to do as much, pausing when he meets his teacher's gaze.
Lying to the one most dear is wrong, right?]
No. Not particularly. But this is okay, it's enough. Any other questions? This one doesn't mind.
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Shen Qingqiu can't help but let out a small sigh. He supposes that would make him extremely unhappy. The idea that he's able to eat this food again when it is something only his most beloved wives could eat -- it probably killed Luo Binghe to have to make it for him. Why did he make it for him, at all? It makes him wonder if he's just adding more things to the list of grievances that he's going to take out on him!
Or also, was I being conceited in thinking that you'd be happier? No, no! Who would want to remain a disciple when they could become a ruler of an entire realm!? It's absolutely ridiculous! Certainly, he isn't a person that thinks much about it, but that's because he's very easily content with anything that comes his way. He rarely asks for anything, and is happy with the bare minimum of things! Like living! Holy fuck, do I love living!
But also, somehow, it's ... upsetting to hear that Luo Binghe is unhappy. Hey you! I did a lot to make sure that your young teenage life was filled with happiness -- so what gives?! Is something that he wished he had the sort of gall and stomach to be able to think seriously on. But he avoids looking down because that's a little too submissive even for him!!
Being in my presence makes you unhappy, right? Really, you don't have to force yourself. I'll definitely keep away. So, what gives? That one is a little more honest. ]
No. There is nothing else.
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He knows the answer has saddened Shen Qingqiu somehow, it's not difficult to tell. But what was the alternative? To smile through it, to sell false happiness only for it to crumble further down the line? No, he's not happy and Binghe is a little relieved to have said it out loud. Nothing seems to have come of it, no boat has been rocked and Luo Binghe wonders for the first time if he should just be more open in general.
There's a feeling of caution involved on the tail end of that thought. Being open about everything, dumping it all on the table right now would more than likely do more harm than good. It's sometimes easy to forget in Shen Qingqiu's presence that he hates demons, his life is to fight them and should a half-demon admit their feelings he would probably be destroyed without a second thought. It had seemed all too easy for a certain cultivator to kick Binghe into an abyss after all and no matter how many times Binghe thinks he forgives his teacher for it the thought keeps returning like a bad curse.
Okay. Maybe one question, just to clear something up in his own mind.]
Shizun, please forgive this asking but....Why do you run away? [ "Am I really that bad?" lingers on lips that are suddenly unable to move, leaving the question where it is for the time being.]
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It really makes a lot of goosebumps run up his back!!
And I don't know why it is that I'm running! You can't ask me something that I don't know anything about! I have no idea! You're probably trying to kill me and I'm fleeing for my life!! However, if he thinks about it, isn't the question a valid one? He's the one that did something unforgivable and flees -- Luo Binghe's asking why it is that he's avoiding taking any responsibility or feel any guilt as to what happened.
That-- If he admits that he's terrified and most likely acting on instinct, that'd be the worst possible answer!! The answer that he just runs because he doesn't want to die! It makes sense! But as a cultivator that has always attempted to be elegant and regal, it sounds awful! It sounds like he's worse than slime! He can't do it! He can't admit it!
But if you're asking why I'm running away now... figuratively speaking, figuratively!! I... I don't deserve... to ask for your forgiveness. Not yet! Maybe... not ever. I'm the reason that you're sad, aren't I? I'm the reason for these things and so... I don't want to cause you more pain, either, okay?! What does this person think!? He absolutely thinks that he's some sadist!! That's what he thinks!! ]
Because I have no words to give you.
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[ It doesn't make much sense, but then Luo Binghe can't profess to understand Shen Qingqiu's every single thought process. To him it looks like the other is scared when he runs, terrified of something happening that shouldn't. It's valid; smart people fear the half-demon back home, they understand what he's capable of and Binghe knows he's done some things that others would consider heinous.
And yet right now he can't help but feel like the slighted party, the one who should be up in arms about everything that is going on.
This conversation is not going how he intended it to. There had been the slight hope that with such a time difference between them there would be some kind of insight to how things have played out. But no, there's just more confusion all around and Binghe knows he's slightly responsible for that.]
Hmm this one wishes there was tea to offer. [ It would be better to have something to drink, to keep his hands busy with. There's just more congee and that has already been turned down. Okay, time to change the conversation, this whole thing isn't going anywhere (though if Binghe had any clue as to his teacher's true woes he'd have a lot to say!). The time gap between them is a problem and Binghe suddenly has a thought! Does Shen Qingqiu right now know that Luo Binghe even made it out of the Abyss?
!!!!!
They do say the best of intentions pave the way to Hell and now is no exception as Binghe gives a curl of the lips, putting a hand to his chest in a proud motion.]
Then don't fret, Shizun. I made it out of the Abyss okay!
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If he were a less elegant person, he would have stood up at those words! He would have immediately gotten to his feet and taken ten steps back away from the table!! However, he keeps himself seated. It may be because his legs have completely forgotten how to work. Please don't give out on me when you're still attached to my body??
Shen Qingqiu feels a rush of tears fill his heart to the brim. I didn't mean it like that!! I didn't mean that I didn't have any words! But you absolutely cannot expect me to say any of these things, okay?! There certainly is a lot between us, but there is even more that I just can't say! What do you expect me to say, even?!
In the back of his head, past all his screaming, he can hear the System attempting to boot up. Its Google translate voice muffled and garbled. But somehow, it can't completely come up. That's right, you fuck! You can't do anything because we're not in the novel world! It's just one less thing to worry about, but really, if that suddenly started up completely, he would break down into tears. ]
Obviously, you did. [ You're sitting here before me!! Obviously you did! But even more than that! You don't have to remind me! I'm aware of it! I'm absolutely aware of it, okay?! ]
Luo Binghe, I shall leave this town so that you can -- [ Didn't I just say that I wasn't going to run. But I just wanted to make things easier. It's hard you having to see me, I understand. However, Shen Qingqiu in that moment realized that he just fucked up something horrible. He says one thing and then a few minutes later is already going back on his word? Great! FANTASTIC! SUPER! ]
-- nevermind.
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Why? Why is this so difficult? How is it that two grown adults can't seem to speak what is on their minds? Everyone that claimed to know Shen Qingqiu all said the same thing; that Shen Qingqiu spoke highly of Luo Binghe, cared for him almost. Right now it's hard to believe anyone could believe that, could be so deluded to think that someone who feels they have to leave a town just to give someone some space could say such beautiful words.
They must have been lying, there's simply no other way to look at it right now and Binghe's eyes widen at the announcement and the immediate retraction of said words.
It's....kind of an improvement? In a way Binghe was half expecting his Shizun to go diving out of the open window. It wouldn't be the first time!]
If you've taken offence at what was said, then don't. This one was trying to say that despite it being a long couple of years, I was able to get through it and walk out in the end. If the time is right then I don't think I have done that yet where you are from? It was only meant to be a reassurance.
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Reassurance, he says. What he's really saying is that he's definitely coming back up so don't worry about it. Don't worry about it! He's been worrying about it for the past three years and only recently was able to find means to not worry about it QUITE so much. ]
No. You are still within the Abyss. [ His expression becomes complicated in that moment. He brings his hands together, holding them lightly on the table. You're still down there. All on your own. Shen Qingqiu realizes that he should have fallen with him. If he was going to do it, he shouldn't have let him go alone. But saying that right now!! How would that sound? I should have gone, too! The delicate balance that we're having right now will crumble and he'll definitely kill me right here and now. "OF COURSE, YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE DOWN, TOO!"
Right ... carrying on. ]
And you have others with you now, don't you? [ Your harem is starting, right? Actually, it should have quite a few girls?? ]
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The comment about the abyss catches Binghe's full attention again, eyes flicking back over Shen Qingqiu's face to catch his expression. Despite the (usual) worry there nothing else seems different and Binghe holds a sigh of his own back. He'd been quietly hoping that someone would say something about what happened but it seems there's simply nothing to say. What happened obviously happened for the exact reason stated at the time. Nothing more, nothing less. How stupid of Binghe to wonder otherwise!]
Others with me...? [ The way brows furrow makes Binghe's confusion plain for all to see.] There are some who follow but there are not many who talk much. They only listen.
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His head cocks slightly to the side as he feels like Sha Hualing couldn't be called something like that. Wasn't she always trying to cause a fight and rarely listened because she wanted to have Luo Binghe's attention all on her? Furthermore, as a full-blooded demon didn't she also not appreciate the human wives he brought in?
His own brows furrow a little. ]
That means that they greatly respect your opinion and word. [ He really actually tamed her? Wow. Yet ... why is he unhappy? Oh, right! He's unhappy because of the fact that Shen Qingqiu is the one sitting across from him. Right, my mistake. I almost thought he was unhappy with the wives that he had.
Ah, though, he realizes this sort of talk might be inappropriate. Just another grievance to add onto a mountain of grievances. I'm not thinking of anything to be excited about by myself! I just wanted to make sure that you were doing okay!! I promise!! ]
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They do, but... [ Binghe isn't sure as to why, but then ever since he'd come back from the Abyss and run into Shen Qingqiu it's felt like he barely knows which direction he should be going in. There's an idea and he follows that, but for the most part it's a big question mark right now.]
So. Have the last few months been good to Shizun? Even if you have no friends, has it been okay?
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He supposes that Luo Binghe is going to say that they fight amongst themselves too much in order to gain his approval. That is understandable! That's just how it is in a harem. Everyone wants to be the one that Luo Binghe loves best. But he understands why his once-disciples stops speaking since that isn't a thing that he would want to talk to a scum villain like himself. Why did I bring this up?!
Shen Qingqiu blinks at the question. If I say that this has been fine, won't that be driving a knife into his heart? Pouring salt on a wound? "Oh, you've been having a wonderful time here while I was suffering in the Abyss. While I'm still suffering in the Abyss where you are!" ]
It has not. I have been miserable the entire time. [ So, please don't fret. ]
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Have people been mean to his Shizun? Has this place truly been that awful? Despite a lack of colour for the most part it looks...average on the chaotic scale but then again Binghe knows his idea of chaotic and someone else's will always differ wildly. Even though he can't sense anything, was this place demonic in nature? Was that why Shen Qingqiu was so unhappy here?]
Why? You talk to people here. What is making you miserable?
[ Not like Luo Binghe can comment on that. He's seen the messages on the forum and not a hint of it is showing in person. Naturally there's been a mistake, again, and it's taking everything in Binghe to just not throw the table and head outside to punch the nearest stationary objects to pieces. Even his knuckles go white again under the table, teeth clenching as the half-demon swallows down the urge to scream.]
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Shen Qingqiu can't deny that it! He's absolutely lying! His soul has been something that was unreasonably tired back home these past three years. Because he's been exhausted worrying about being killed, obviously!! That would make anyone tired! There's no reason to look more into it than that! He isn't some widow! Thank you!!
Being here, away from everything, it has been good for him. He feels a little more at ease with things; he feels a little more like breathing isn't too painful. Stress is a killer! That's all it is! Stress! He smiles and he laughs and he feels a little more at ease because he's been forgiving himself a little more each day. And now he has to say how miserable he is so that Luo Binghe doesn't destroy this place for helping him out!
Why wouldn't Luo Binghe be beyond absolutely pissed that Shen Qingqiu has found some sense of peace?! Why wouldn't he?! But what could I say that would make sense? Right, right, just go with a complaint that the original goods would have. He thinks of putting on more airs in saying, "That isn't something for you to concern yourself over." But as if!! That's definitely asking to be strangled from where he's sitting! Luo Binghe has no reason to be cordial if there isn't anyone around to watch him be cordial.
Huh... "he has no reason to be cordial if there's no one here?" Huh? Shen Qingqiu lifts his head up a little as he holds his chin. Wait a second... hold on. His eyebrows furrow as he feels like he's hit something but isn't sure what it is.
Isn't he menacing me right now by saying that he could kill me at any time by acting cordial and respectful to me? He pinches his chin between thumb and index finger feeling even more confused. After all, even if I say that I haven't had any good relations with anyone, would he believe it? So, he is careful with what he says and how he acts with me because if I bring it up to anyone... it'll make killing me later hard? But if he's going to to turn everyone against me... wait... something isn't adding up here. ]
... too much to name. [ Realizing that he hasn't said anything, he tosses out that response instead as he tries to figure out this sudden mystery that came to him. ]
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What is this? What is any of this? Why waste everyone's time in such a way? At the end of it all the whole lot of it boils down to the simple facts that Shen Qingqiu detests demons and will always do his best to try and get away. It doesn't matter how many meals Binghe cooks or how often or nice he is to everything and everyone around him. In Shen Qingqiu's eyes he's nothing more than a monster that belongs at the bottom of the Endless Abyss. He can't even share what makes him miserable, giving what sounds like a half-assed excuse to not answer and that's before Luo Binghe takes into consideration the sheer amount of conflicting information he's getting. The correct answer (the one that makes most sense) is simply that Shen Qingqiu is lying; that he's not sorry for throwing his student into the Abyss and he simply says it to save face. But then no-one here would know? Why bring it up only to lie?
He wants to scream, to yell and thrash until the emotions fade away. Why bother with this when it did nothing but bring anguish and pain to Luo Binghe's chest?? Binghe wants to punch something solid until his knuckles bleed, exhausting himself until he can barely bother to give it all a second thought before slipping into a dream to distract himself until the next day. But that's too easy, isn't it? Not only are those things almost a necessity but so is sitting opposite the person who currently means most to him. Nothing in their world or this one can even compare and so what if they're just sitting and talking, it's better than nothing. It's better than being completely exiled by the other. That's what will happen soon enough when Shen Qingqiu finds out about the people in cages, about the old master of Huan Hua Palace or even about other things. Binghe wouldn't be shocked if Shen Qingqiu could find an Abyss in this place to throw him into.
He rubs his forehead slowly, ignoring how his eyes begin to sting at the corners. He's not going to cry, not today or at least not in front of his teacher. Everything is exhausting and exhilarating at once and Luo Binghe is at a loss on how to fix it.]
You don't want to go home but this place makes you miserable. Everyone says how great Shizun is and how kind, yet you claim they're lying. Since when did you start speaking in such riddles? Tsk.
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However... he's restraining himself? His memory flips back to the door and seeing the damage that had been done to it. Why is he restraining himself? Like he isn't going to complain about it too much!! It's quite nice!! Keep holding back!! He doesn't want to die at all! Thank you and goodbye!! It's just, he doesn't quite understand it.
The one that's speaking and acting in riddles is you!! It's you!! Why are you acting like I'm the one that's strange?! ]
Why is that so hard to follow? [ He said it!! It's absentmindedly said because he is just mulling over a lot of thoughts right now and letting his mouth run on auto-mode as he tries to figure out what's happening. His mouth shuts as he looks away.
He clears his throat. ]
Simply being spoken fondly of does not make this one happy.
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Still, Shen Qingqiu still appears to be denying it all and Binghe vehemently shakes his head.]
No. But people here say that you are their friend, that you care and love them. Then Shizun simply says they are lying, but why would they lie? [ Binghe pauses, a sense of dread skittering down his spine.] But why would you lie? That is why it's hard to follow!
[ And if it's the truth, if Shen Qingqiu has those he loves in this place then why can he not spare some for his student? How long does he have to watch Shen Qingqiu doting on others and wishing he was in that exact same spot? The anxiety over such a thing is relentless at it's best and Binghe drags a hand over his face, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm his temper. No fighting, no tears!]
If you hate this disciple so much then why is are you sitting right there? [ Oh shit. Binghe looks instantly mollified, wishing he could take those words back. That's just asking for it! That just gives Shen Qingqiu the opening he's been waiting for where he takes his leave!]
Forget it. I spoke out of turn. If Shizun wishes for more congee then please say so.
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He breathes in deep. Honestly, he feels like on the inside that he's sweating so much that he might actually slip out of the chair. This sort of situation is really no joke!! He has no idea how to breathe properly so letting that run on auto! It's that bad!! But he feels like something isn't quite right. Something isn't making sense. He presses his lips into a thin line and decides to say something truthful. ]
I don't hate you. A lot has happened between us ... things that only you know, but from what I know... there is no reason to act as you once did. [ Ack!! Ack!!! Right, there's no reason for you to act like my cute little white sheep! What the fuck?! That's what I'm saying here!! ]
I can't forget what is said... and can only say that much. [ He's going to just sweep everything under the rug about what everyone else is saying about him. Everything!! He can't get into it! So they say I care and love them. Yeah, yeah, sure, that's true. But I mean, it's one-sided. One-sided!! I'm more or less a work-in-progress for everyone. I'm a sad-sack that they're just dealing with. Even though I'm not sad at all!! Who's sad?! Not me!! ]
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The comment about not hating is a strange one and enough to temporarily distract the half-demon from his internalised woes.]
You think you don't, but you do. It's your job to.
[ It's said with a matter of fact tone, as if it's something Luo Binghe has told himself every day for eternity. No matter what happened it would always come down to that; Binghe could be off saving the world and the Peak Lords would still take issue with it. It's a conflicting state to be in. How to fix it? Sure the logical way to fix such things would be to just let go of Shen Qingqiu, to just give up and let things flow away in time. But there's the temptation to lock the door, the windows, to tell Shen Qingqiu he can stay forever! If there are no Peaks to be Lords of then surely it wouldn't be his job to hate anymore!]
Why do you think there is no reason?? I don't understand why Shizun would think that.
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My job to?
[ Why does it feel like we're having two separate conversations here? Could you give me some cliff notes? Don't leave me out of the discussion! Especially since he feels like his life depends on it! ]
Luo Binghe... do you not think that I've done you a great wrong? A series of wrongs, even? [ To bring up the elephant in the room! He can't believe he did it so brazenly. Thank goodness that his face is so thick that he's able to hide all the trepiedation and panic boiling up to the surface of his heart. ]
I cannot imagine it is easy for you to speak well and kindly to a person that has harmed you. [ His throat constricts. He can't keep talking! He can't! He said what he was able to say and so picks up his cup of tea to take a small sip. If he wasn't so good at bullshitting at this point, his hands would be trembling right now! But does anyone see one?! No! He's just that good! ]
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Why wouldn't he speak kindly with Shen Qingqiu? Certainly there had been words spoken, tense moments shared when they'd first run into each other again. But that had been a weird time for everyone involved! ]
What great wrongs? It's confusing to think Shizun believes there have been many.
[ There's that feeling of missing something again, of some unspoken thing between them that lies just out of grasp. Binghe is going to put it down to the time gap yet even with that in mind it doesn't feel quite right.
Is...is this a test?
He huffs audibly, folding his arms as Binghe lifts his chin in a defiant motion. ]
I don't speak kindly to anyone unless I want to.
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Shen Qingqiu let himself get lulled into a sense of security but he knew it! Like he wouldn't catch that not-so-subtle gesture of Luo Binghe rubbing the wound where he stabbed him. Wait a second. Why the fuck are you keeping that, anyway?! Suddenly, his blood ran cold.
You're keeping it as a reminder? To never forget your grudge against me?! Really!! That's going way too far! On the inside, his entire self is trembling and shaking. He may even be crying -- tears running down his face as his fear hits maximum overload!!! "Tell him that you love him!?" Who the fuck is going to say that?!
He really wonders what kind of scenario people are thinking is going to happen if he says something like that. Shen Qingqiu can imagine Luo Binghe laughing heartily and breaking the table in half with his fists for him saying something so outlandish. Escape? Escape? His eyes slide away as he looks around for a window to jump through.
Wait, didn't I just promise I wasn't going to run? This is really... I've fallen for every single trick! EVERY! SINGLE! ONE!! It is because the person before him is Luo Binghe and so he ... he gets a little stupid around him. Like every character, his IQ drops in the presence of the protagonist. But it only dropped for a short while and now he's back!! HE'S BACK, BABY! ]
I see.
[ He replies way too calmly. Way too calmly!! ]
In any case, am I to understand... that because you do not think I have done any wrong, you do not wish to hear any apology that I could give.
[ I see you!! ]
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No apology to give? Thinking if he has done wrong? Certainly there's one thing that does stand out in Binghe's mind that could be considered wrong, but he doesn't dare ask about it. Not yet. If he does then there's no reason as to why his teacher wouldn't disown him, too starkly reminded as to why he did such a thing in the first place. ]
[ No, it's better this way, safer and even if it means things feel a little strange then Luo Binghe will accept it.
For now. ]
Does Shizun think there is something that needs to be apologised for?
[ Yes! Perfect! Binghe is already mentally patting himself on the back for such an answer. It's the kind that should get an answer without being accusatory, right? Right? If this is a test then he's surely done well enough in it by keeping things on an even(ish) keel. Shen Qingqiu hasn't run away yet and he's still very much alive. ]
This one doesn't think so, not really. Not unless Shizun wishes to.
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He has to swallow back a mouthful of blood. Shen Qingqiu honestly feels his whole body go tense. Of course, there is something I need to apologize for! In his mind, his eyes are wide and sweat is rolling down his face. He cannot understand why it is that Luo Binghe is acting so --
-- could it be that reason!? It's because Luo Binghe enjoys playing around with him? That he thinks that it is funny to act proper with him when in truth he finds his very presence to be disgusting and untolerable?!
His hand lifts to gently rest it over his mouth. Right, right. If I admit right now that there is something that I wish to apologize for, it means that he has me. He can then say that he could exact any sort of punishment that he wants to make up for it, since I want to apologize. ]
If Luo Binghe does not think I need to apologize, then I do not need to do so.
[ Which is to say?! He doesn't forgive him at all!?
Shen Qingqiu doesn't know what the correct answer would be! He feels any answer would be the worst one. His expression, at least, is able to stay serene and calm while he is trembling all over on the inside about this whole situation. Luo Binghe probably is beyond mad! Beyond angry! The idea that I even ate food that he created ... food that is usually reserved for his wives... he probably thinks that I think I'm full of myself! ]
No, that is wrong. I do apologize for having you go out of your way for this teacher.
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Which is why when his teacher mentions going out of his way, Luo Binghe simply shakes his head. ]
There has been no going out of the way.
[ Still, he's not going to tell Shen Qingqiu to not apologise; if it's something the other feels he has to say then so be it. Luo Binghe lapses into silence, wondering just what he's meant to be doing. This place is apparently about building bonds with people? Restoring colour? Yet here he is barely able to hold a conversation with his own teacher! That and said teacher is starting to look unwell to boot.
The topic needs to change. Even Luo Binghe can tell that this whole thing is going nowhere and eventually it will end up with Shen Qingqiu making a run for it. ]
Hm. This place is strange and the people within it are stranger still. Does Shizun like it here?
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Shen Qingqiu cannot understand it. Of course, this is going far, far out of his way. it is just he cannot understand why. For what reason? It isn't like Luo Binghe is a fan of poison -- and he just got over his poisoned state, thank you! So, what is the deal. He fears asking outright because it will end in tragedy if he does. Why? Why does it have to be this way? ]
I don't mind it. [ He is, at least, very grateful for the change in topic. He wonders why so much consideration is being given to him. Ah, because Luo Binghe knows how frightened he is on the inside and just likes showing how much control he has over the entire situation. Makes sense! ]
It is a place that fosters bonds with others. It's one that allows for change to happen through the efforts of the people rather than one. I cannot help but appreciate it. [ But he is too nervous to say that he has many that he considers friends, since he worries that's painting a target on their back! Luo Binghe asked before, and while he thinks fond on them, he knows that they'll turn their back on him as soon as Luo Binghe talks to them! So! That's that!! ]