awashlogs | seeing in monochrome

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seeing in monochrome

WHO: Wei Wuxian and you!
WHERE: Anywhere in Chroma, but mostly his townhouse
WHEN: Days 1-7 after the hearts event. Please note the day in your tag header!
WHAT: Pyra unlocked the Bad End in his heart, and now he's lost all color and emotion. Note that he'll be in full technicolor, and back to himself, at the end of day 7 (the transition is closed to Pyra).
WARNINGS: None

[ Wei Wuxian has lost all color, and with it all interest in his surroundings. His face, usually alive with a smile, is dull and grey. The playful light in his eyes is extinguished. He spends his days in bed or sitting in his Ruga townhouse, idle; he'll only leave if he's dragged out. Neither eating nor drinking hold any interest for him. Most of the time, when spoken to, he won't answer. But if pressed, if you really push him, what he'll tell you is: ]

Get lost.

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[ She's known him to be social and friendly, enthusiastic and curious about the world and others around him, smiling and laughing, joking, diligently playing the part of the fool. But now...

It would be far too easy to be deterred by his lack of color, lack of emotions, lack of any want to interact with anyone or anything at all in the world. He's so morose that he's surprised he hasn't sapped out the color from around him, either. She can't lie that it's has been difficult for her to face him, as she was the cause of it. It feels like she's taking that arrow to her chest all over again every time she sees him like this, every time he tells her to leave.

So she has taken him to her ramen stand, made him a bowl with a broth so savory and thick that it could be a meal in of itself, poured him a cup of saké-- her old kingdom's finest bottle also provided courtesy of a wish--, and sat him down at the counter despite his numerous protests for her to "get lost". The good thing about this whole lack-of-color spell that's overcome him is that his apathy makes him easy to use. (Which... she'll feel guilt about that later.) But he needs to eat, so: ]

Eat.

[ She's smiling, sitting beside him at the counter, but knowing that he has remained a entire week like this and has no signs of recovering any time soon? She's about to break. She cannot look upon him without immense guilt and regret in her eyes. ] ...Please eat.

[ She lives with him, for crying out loud, and cares for him as a friend. How could she not do something when she found him literally colorless and incredibly apathetic. Something must have taken his color. Something must have broken him beyond the pain he was shouldering.

When he tells her to get lost despite her persistence, she simply responds with a curt: ]

No.

[ She sits on a chair by his bed, the very one he's languishing on. Her lips twist into a frown. Nero has never thought to act a caretaker in this capacity, and yet, what else can she do? She, who can raise cities, summon a glorious theater, and bring down even a Knight of the Round Table, cannot mend a broken heart. She crosses her arms and looks at the bowl of food she has prepared for him after she noticed that he wasn't eating or drinking anything of his own volition for a worryingly long amount of time. ]

Your vessel is that of a human, and thus needs sustenance.

[ Her guilt and regret reflect in his eyes, but he doesn’t seem to care. He doesn’t seem to care about anything, still. Neither the rich broth, the fragrant wine, nor the woman beside him. His hair is loose about his shoulders: it gives him a wild look, but it’s because he can’t be bothered with his appearance. He can’t be bothered with anything.

When the wheels of his mind do occasionally turn, what they think about is that day: that day long ago and it’s echo one week ago, in which someone else he cared about, died. That this person is beside him now, alive, he hasn’t made that connection. All he can think about, when he thinks at all, is that his existence is a curse. Nothing should prolong it.

He exhales. ]

Get lost.

[ A long pause. ]

Please get lost.

[ That his proud, imperious roommate would be cooking for him is something that would have tickled him immensely, were he himself. He’d have been sitting up in bed with his head tilted, eyes shut, mouth open, and arms tucked under the covers, childishly begging her to feed him.

This Wei Wuxian has none of that life or energy. He is lying bed, ignoring her, staring straight ahead with grey eyes. He’s aware of hunger pangs, but doesn’t care about them; needing to eat is a problem unrelated to him.

He hears Maiden Nero speaking, and his eyes shift over to her reflexively. He stares at her without interest. Her frown, her worried tone, the bowl of porridge she’s holding… none of these things register. Eventually his eyes drift away.

Evenly: ]

Go away.

[ She can stand his emotionless expression, his coldness, his lack of color.

But that please-- ]

[ She has to remain strong. ]

H-hey... don't be like that.

[ Unable to look at him, she decides to pour the rice wine into a saucer for him, pushing it into his hand. ] You're getting all of this food for free. Beggars can't be choosers, you know.

[ And then she lifts her hand, brushing some of his long hair over his shoulder. When was the last time he combed it? He looks a mess, and yet... her fingers linger upon the strands before pulling her hand back to herself. ] That's some of the saké... from my world, served to royalty. From the Titan... the continent called Torna [ "Ira" by another name-- Wrath.

If Chroma's mechanic to restoring colors is by way of bonds... maybe this means that somehow, she has to forge something like one here. Even if it might only be a one-sided bridge, she'll toss the rope to him. She'll tell him a little more. ] The continent sank in the war, but you-- [ Her smile is bittersweet at best. She's only glad to be able to share something of her world with him, even if this wine no longer exists. ] I'd want you to have it.

[She's dealt with this before, and she hated it as much this time with Wei Wuxian as she had with Guren.

She hated that there wasn't anything she could do to make things better.

But she can at least take care of him.

She decided to drag him outside. She wasn't going to let him be cooped up until his colour came back. She won't take him far, isn't sure he'd want people to see him like this, but some fresh air and sunshine couldn't be bad for his health, surely.

She was going to ignore him when he told her to get lost.]

If you stay inside the whole time you'll start growing mushrooms.

[ His hair is black; in his monochrome version, it's #000000. But the tresses she touches pick up imperceptible percentages of red, green, and blue, values as high as #111111, though to the eye his hair still appears entirely black.

His eyes follow the movement of her hand, and keep staring for a long moment. Finally they drift away from her, alighting on the saucer of wine. He looks at it, with unblinking eyes, as she speaks.

And then.... nothing. No response.

Finally: ]

War.

[ There's no intonation behind the word, no spark of interest. He seems without comprehension, speaking just to echo her, with no other purpose. ]

Yes... the... war. [ At least it's something else besides get lost, or leave or any other synonym to begone. So she interprets him saying the single word as him having some interest in the topic.

And even if she'd rather not talk about it, if it's something that even seems to capture a little bit more of his attention, she'll speak more about it. Will he even remember anything she tells of it, though? ] Ah, I never told you about this at all, did I? How I fought in it. [ Somehow... it feels easy to talk to him, although a part of her wonders if he's even listening. Or maybe that's why it's easy. ] The last three years of it, anyway.

The entire world lost... so much to it. [ She looks away from him, towards the bottle of rice wine. Amazing, how this place can conjure up something from a continent that no longer exists. ]

Things that we can never get back. [ ...A frown. ] People we can ever get back, either.

[ Actually, this topic probably isn't the best for him, and she shifts uncomfortably. ] Well, I'm sure-- you know all about wars and battles, yourself.

[ She is proud, yes, but not so proud as to let someone die or starve because she refused to cook for them. To her credit, her meals aren't that bad, as hearty reconstructions of her homeland's cuisine usually. And should he get better from this, he is so not going to bring it up or remember it in public company, yes?

But right now, all she has is porridge, with honey, cheese, and chopped up hard-boiled eggs, so that the food goes down easily. ]

Absolutely not. It is an insult that you think I will be cowed so easily. Besides, somebody around here has to make sure you do not die. You have not eaten for hours. Must I force-feed you?

[ wei wuxian was one of the first people kind to ritsu, despite the misunderstanding with his whole lack of speech thing and being an angry little girl. for as much as ritsu had a hard time getting attached to most people-- wei wuxian wasn't a bad person. as soon as he'd considered it's been too long since he's seen him out and about, some part of his heart worries, and he visits.

he didn't want it to be a big deal or anything. just a quick check-in. but that's because he didn't know what it was that happened. ]

...

[ that he doesn't immediately greet ritsu is already a tell tale sign that something is wrong. then he doesn't lift his head at all. if it weren't for his open eyes, ritsu might think he was dead. he hangs back some moments more awkwardly, before approaching a few steps. ]

Wei Wuxian?

[Xie Lian had spent a day or two inside himself, after all those harrowing "heart-to-hearts" - a little time just to piece his thoughts together and sort out all his feelings.

But so many days without hide nor hair of Wei Wuxian seems almost unnatural in their silence, and having made a good number of mutual acquaintances by now, it's inevitable that he'd show up at the other man's house sooner or later. So here he is now, standing over the bed, frowning down at the colorless shell of a brokenhearted man.]

.....You can't stay in bed forever, you know.

[It's said in a gentle enough tone of voice, despite the frown--any worry he feels kept successfully bottled inside for the moment. Is this like what had happened before? Will the color return on its own? He honestly wishes he knew.]

[ He inhales. It's out of sync with the usual slow cadence of his breathing. A moment later, he exhales and asks: ]

Who?

[ He's staring straight ahead as he speaks, but his question is clearly directed at Pyra, in response to the phrase people we can never get back. His hands are lying quietly in his lap, but just then, one of his fingers twitches. A few more colors in his hair appear: #211212, #351112. ]

[ Before, he'd looked over to her out of reflex, to see who was making the noise. Now, it seems that stimulus has extinguished, because he doesn't look at her when she speaks. However, the smell of the food stimulates the reptilian part of his brain that cares about such things as hunger. Some deep part of him would like to eat...

...

Finally, he turns towards her a little. But the effort involved in reaching for the bowl and actually feeding himself—it's more than his reptilian brain can muster. Some part of him registers irritation: he'd been content in his own little mindless world of oblivion. So he bows his head and murmurs: ]

Leave.

[ He can walk if pulled along. One step and then another: it's reflex. It's mindless. He's aware of a person at his side, a voice speaking to him, but who she is or what she's saying? It's pointless. Who cares?

...

.......if you stay inside the whole time you'll start growing mushrooms....

People growing things makes his mind free-associate to Shen Qingqiu and how he'd grown cucumbers from his head. At the time he'd thought that was hilarious. He remembers laughing, although being able to experience emotions like that... it seems like something that happened to another person, perhaps a lifetime ago. His heart feels like it's made of ashes.

That other person would have told the girl about Shen Qingqiu and his cucumber head, and she would have laughed, but what's the point of laughter now? ]

It's fine.

[ ....if he grows mushrooms, he means. ]

Go away.

[ His bedroom door is open; his roommate Nero left it that way and he hasn't bothered to close it. He's sitting in bed, disheveled, his hair loose and tangled about his shoulders. He's thinner since Ritsu last saw him, and utterly without color. The people in Chroma always stand out against the backdrop of the town, at once drawing the eye with their life, color, and vigor. But Wei Wuxian seems to be part of the background now, blending into the blacks and whites and greys.

He turns when he hears the noise, a reflexive movement of his eyes and head. Beyond that, there's nothing. No flicker of recognition, no easy smile, no words, no jokes, no laughter. After a while, he turns back and stares ahead, at nothing. ]

Get lost.

[ Were he merely feeling unsociable, rather than colorless, he might have taken the initiative to hide, getting away from all these concerned visits. It would be easy, he thinks to himself. Just walk into the forest and keep walking. Don't come out again.

But... he can't muster the motivation to do even that. Being visited, dragged out, force-fed: it's all slightly annoying, as it disturbs the nothingness of his inner state. But once the people go away, oblivion returns. He'll wait it out. ]

I can.

[ He knows, on some abstract level, that if he continues to stay here, he'll die. However, the difference between death and his current state of being is negligible, so it's a true statement, as far as he's concerned. ]

Go away.

[ Her gaze turns distant, and she finds she cannot look at him any longer. She misses the subtle changes in his hair color as a result. Who, he inquires. Who, as if the number can be countered on her fingers. ] Everyone... [ She whispers. ] Everyone I met, when I first awakened and walked upon the earth.

[ She remembers them by name, of course, because she had grown to care for them. ] ...Momini, Kaym, Hassan, Morumo, Tarath, Isabelle, Hal, Bathein, Rikoko, Tyler, Palva, Hedwyn, Mireille, Vez... just to make a few. The people we had met upon our travels. [ She smiles fondly, recalling meeting with them, helping them. ...But it fades too quickly, because— ] And others....

[ She would have left it there, ordinarily. But he's not talking, and... didn't she say she wished to tell him more? Didn't she wish she could show him more? But to have it be like this, when he is so devoid of emotion in response, when it could only just be her wishful thinking that he's paying attention at all... ]

Emperor Hugo— he was only a youth, a brilliant one, so very promising.... And his two weapons, the Jewels of the Empire: Agaeon and Brighid. They fell with him, and so suddenly....

And also a child named Milton. [ She pauses here, and suddenly her voice carries so much more emotion than before. ] Addam had always wanted children, so of course... when we found him, we took him in. [ There's a fond, small smile at that, but those memories, too, are are washed in grey. ] But then...

[ She blinks, feeling her eyes beginning to sting. ]

And then the Titans—... Our continents.

There were many great ancient ones before the war... and now there are only seven. [ She draws a quick breath, as if the air has suddenly left her. ] Seven, with one of them wrecked so terribly that I doubt it’ll be inhabitable even for centuries to come.

[ She's off track now, dread and shame and guilt consuming her all over again. ] Did you know [ She says with a derisive, short breath. ] one of those we were fighting against was... my brother. Some called him the acting god, because he too was taken from Father who didn't act at all to stop any of this. And I was only awakened so that I could fight him-- and I did. That's all I did, and I hardly cared what happened to others because of it, not until when it actually mattered.

The war took those kingdoms and those people... The war took that child we saved as well.

—No. [ She corrects herself. ]

Addam’s own kingdom, the capital, his family, those continents, the people we helped, that child..... I took them. I killed them.

[ And the worst part of it was is that she didn’t care for so much of what she destroyed up until she realized she wanted to protect instead, but by then it was too late. A child that she had grown to love of all things had changed that, as did the family she didn't know she had with the rest of their group, even if Mythra had been especially terrible at expressing any of her emotions. It just goes to show that even someone inhuman doesn't realize what they have until it's all scoured from the world. Or maybe it had always been just as Addam said, that she would learn and grow to become more human, for indeed she had.

Pyra lifts her head and draws in a shaky breath as her vision blurs the amber lights of the ramen shop, with its shelves lined with bottles of wine that no longer exist from a continent that is no longer alive.

Yes, she's learned how to be human. She's learned how to love... and she's learned how to grieve after losing all that she has loved. ]

....I was sealed before coming here by Addam, and that was when I lost him as well. So that no one might claim me or use me... or so that I wouldn't destroy anything else on my own. [ All of this last bit probably won't make much sense to him, and by now her voice is filled with remorse and guilt so much so that it wavers with every syllable. She's rambling now, her words sounds much less like a story and more like a confession of sorts. ] I wish... I wish that I could be sealed here, if I can't be destroyed.

So that you would be safe, too.

Because...

[ ...Ah. There they are, tears. Finally overflowing, finally dripping onto her thighs below. She's crying now, she's been crying ever since she mentioned Addam, silently, but she's been thinking of how she's failed Wei Wuxian in a similar sense this entire time. With Addam, it had been using too much of her power. With Wei Wuxian, it had been too little to protect him. Only now she feels as if she has already lost him as well, when all she wishes to do is help him-- ]

I don't want to lose your smile, your laughter. I don't want you to lose your color, how curious you are about the world, how you seem like you're always on the brink of inventing something new to help others, or-- or inventing something new just because you can. I don't want you to lose your innovation and creativity, your passion for discovery... or even how you tease others. I don't want you to lose how you can make others laugh, how you can distract them so easily-- I don't want you to lose how much you care about them either. All of them, those here, those in your own world... I don't want you to lose how you love them.

[ She reaches out to Wei Wuxian, holding onto his arm and looking up at him, watching his stoic, emotionless, apathetic expression and grieving for what has been ruined. ] But because of me, you lost... all of that.

[ Why is it so easy to talk to him as he is now, to say things that she should have said to him already? Maybe because she should have already learned her lesson all those five hundred years ago, to tell others how she felt about them and how she loved them and actually cared for them, instead of not saying anything at all. Here she's doing the same thing, but the man to whom she's speaking might as well be a ghost just like them.

Overcome, an actual sob escapes her. ]

I want-- I want..... [ How selfish, to ask this of him now, when he's the one who needs help most. ] ...to laugh with you, too. I want you to show me more of your magical tools, your fireworks, I want to explore this world together with you. I want another chance to keep you safe, I want to learn more about you. [ Architect, she doesn't even know what she's asking for at this point. All she knows is that she can't stand to see him like this, because she can't take back anything of what she's done, she can only move forward, she can only watch him be a shell of his former self.

Her chest feels impossibly tight, somehow, as if all the pain and grief has finally wound itself up into a knot that cannot become any more taught and tangled and torturous. It's difficult to speak, to tell him these things, but somehow her selfish wants continue to burst out of her: ] --I want you to be happy here, I want to be one of the reasons you are happy here, I want to braid your hair again, I-- I want you to draw me, too, Wei Ying, I want all of that....!

[ His eyes are grey; but even the greyest eyes have hints of blue and brown deep the irises. These faint colors come out as well. As she clings to him, as she weeps, as she sobs, as she begs him for.... something.......

He hears every word. Everything she says goes into his ears and his memory. But his emotions are so dulled that he can't recognize her grief. He hears a lot of names that mean nothing to him, a story that doesn't have anything to do with him.
But what does register, slightly, is that she wants something from him. She wants him to be what he was. She wants him back to the way he used to be.

Another finger twitches. He stirs, looking at her with his clear, slightly colored eyes. ]

Why?

[ After a moment, he adds... ]

No.

[ His emotions are, imperceptibly, beginning to return along with his color. But it's like a limb that's been asleep: he's all pins and needles in his heart, because the last things he remembers about himself as himself was his own agony when he was destroying his heart. He'd been hurting, he realizes, because of her. He reflexively recoils from that, the way one's hand jerks back from being burnt.

Again, he says: ]

No.

[ She's told him about the war, about those she lost. And all she gets in return is... a... why. A why, what? Why she-- killed so many? Why she failed him? Why--....

And then, another refusal. He's denying her, he doesn't want to hear more from her, but she refuses to give up, because this is the most she's gotten out of him so far. ] No...? No, you don't want to hear anymore? You don't want me around?

W-well too bad, I'm staying here this time-- until you finish all of your ramen! [ She tries to wipe away some of her tears, but it's pretty useless at this point. ] You've lost weight, you're so pale; I'll make you ten bowls and expect you to finish all of them. [And she's stubborn about it.

She lifts her hand back to his cheek. ]

Then... and then I really will throw you into a bath, because it looks like you need one. You look like a wild man with your hair like that... but it actually does look nice when it's down.

And...

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seeing in monochrome

day 7 AAAY

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